Thursday morning

 I fell asleep OK but woke up around 2 with a headache.  I had gotten a "small spaces" Febreeze unit and had activated it last night, I think it provoked the headache.  I got up, had a little bit of cold soda, put the offender in Ron's room, and went back to bed.  I fell asleep again OK and got up at 7.  

I still had a little bit of headache so I had some coffee (I still have it set to brew itself every morning), some aspirin, and a generic breakfast bar.  The cats got fed first of course.  

I was surprised how much everyone (including Facebook) liked the photo.  But I'm glad they did.  Ron once told me - he always knew he would die first - he did not want me to do the dressed in black "widow" thing.  He wanted me to wear bright colors and be happy when I got over losing him.  He wanted me to remarry if possible.  He didn't want me to give up on love or joy.  He was very clear on that several times over the years.  

I also think some of it is like my old pastor in CA.  His wife had cancer for several years, a very slow decline into death.  6 months after her death he met someone else and he ended up marrying her about a year after that.  He had done most of his grief while his wife was still alive, and I think to some degree that is me.  I will say he was vilified by about half the church for that and actually thrown out.  I didn't know you could throw out a pastor but they sure did, like a piece of trash.  And his new wife was such a sweet lady.  

Do I think I am going to remarry any time soon?  No, there isn't even a man.  There are some guys I know who are single and believers.  One I would not date ever he is judgmental I don't need that in my life.  If I get a relationship I want it to be a healthy balance.  Not another toxic one (sorry, Ron).  One guy is divorced which I wouldn't want to deal with, and the last one and I have differing theology and that is also a deal killer.  

I'm just a picky one.  I think one of the "girls" (older than me) at work has set herself out to be a matchmaker for me.  She said she is going to find me a rich man.  I said I didn't care about that, I just want a guy who loves God, and cats.  If God wants me to remarry it will happen.  

I am getting used to "owning" the house it is all my space now, I can do what I want when I want without worries about disturbing Ron.  For instance, I do up my pills every 3 weeks.  I take some gel caps that are Vitamin E, Co enzyme Q10, etc.  Sometimes I forget to put them in the fridge and they stick together.  So I have to bang the bottle on the side of the table to shake them loose.  It makes a lot of noise.  Ron slept a lot; I didn't want to wake him up.  Doesn't matter now.  Or the infamous "fluffy garbage" issue.  Ron used to complain the garbage was "fluffy" and would squish it down repeatedly.  My thing, take it out when it's full there is probably something that will stink in there.  Not Ron.  He wanted to mush it down several times over the course of days and then take it out.  

Yes, he used to take out the trash, including the big cans, to the street.  So I just buy more bags and take it out more frequently.  

I remind myself constantly how miserable his life had become at the end when I feel sorry for myself and want him back.  He is in glory now, he does not want to come back.  He is happier than he has ever been.  

I am going to go take a shower with my new soap.  This is Grapefruit Guava.  It will be interesting to see how I like it.  I love grapefruit scents so I am hopeful.  I will update when I'm done.  

It had a very light fragrance, moderate lathering.  I don't feel ripped off but I won't be buying it again.  It's a shame I love grapefruit.  I am glad I got the shower over with; now I just need to get to work later.  That always takes a while especially now that I ride up to the traffic light and cross there.  

That's it for now.