Anxiety is a feature of my daily life now. I feel like it's insulting to God. I know He will take care of my issues. But it is there.
#1. My boss asked me to do something Monday right before I had to leave. I got someone else to do it. Am I going to get in trouble for that? I don't know. I told her, repeatedly, I had to go. She said she understood. Also my replacement was due 5 minutes before I left... so I feel like I did what I could but will they see it that way? I don't know.
2. Transportation. [I have to digress Torbie came up to me so I picked her up and held her, petting her, for a few minutes]. So I have a SUPER busy street right outside the subdivision. I have to bolt across it to catch the bus every day, not much fun and very scary. I have huge PTSD related to traffic since the accident and even worse since his death. Do I go the safe way and go out early, catch the southbound bus one stop and then cross the street at a light? Or do I go out a little later and bolt? I don't know probably the first.
But first of all I need to take my shower so going to do that. Done. Also did my Bible study a lot about being meek and not fighting back when people talk about you...has me dreading what I may find at work! We will see. I do strive to make Jesus happy in all I do.
Had a little snack I will have my lunch at work. I take my evening pills at home, after work, so it doesn't really matter what I have on my lunch at work. Not a big meal usually. Tomorrow I may make some sandwiches just for a change. I will do a shake when I get home.
I decided I will take the longer, safer, way to work today. Catch the southbound bus, ride one stop, cross at the light, which my aunt and I verified does work, ride the northbound bus to my connector bus to work. Like I said more time but safer. I am thinking I will just do that every day.
Bonus it does provide me with another recipient (bus driver) for the candy and scripture booklet. One reason I think God may want me doing it this way.
Just sad and anxious today not sure if it is missing Ron or just my brain. Hard to tell sometimes. Yeah, I could probably use counseling but getting there would be a pain, plus who's going to pay for it? So I won't worry. My family all say I am doing well and my parents are trained chaplains who run a grief support group.
That's it for now, I may do another post after work but I will have to see how I feel.
3 comments:
I hope everything was okay at work. You have a wonderful work ethic and they are blessed to have you just as I know you feel blessed to have a job. Just do you and God will sort it all out.
Several churches in my area offer free grief support counseling. Not saying you need to do that but always an option. I know you always have to figure out transportation so may not work.
The way I see the grief thing I am talking to grief counselors every night (parents are trained and certified) so probably covered just for the cost of my cell phone bill.
Unfortunately at work my department is infested with a lot of negativity and gossip. I don't mind the work and find it enjoyable; some of the miasma is pretty rich though. I am praying it out with God how I can be a light in this without alienating everyone. It is not to the level I need to complain; I just know 1. Nothing I say is confidential and 2. If they are talking to me about someone they are also talking about me back to that very same person (LOL).
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