Friday Two Blogs in one

 Let's see if this works.  

OK it worked.  

Pretty quiet day, depressed, job hunt is discouraging.  I turned on the air conditioner last night it was pretty warm in the house.  It worked, happily.  Ron always pointed a fan at the thermostat to help it work better and I noticed a big difference, when he was alive, so I did it last night too.  So I have the fan running nonstop.  

I am not used to it and it woke me up a few times last night but otherwise slept OK.  Went on a rant about vaccines, Kool-aid, etc (you get the idea), people I know have lost loved ones to the vaccine.  So I may get banned from Facebook for a while.  I will have to see.  

I have no problem with someone getting the shot.  That is up to them.  But they are not 100% safe and people need to be aware of that.  And it should be OK if someone wants to opt out.  If they get sick they will be the one to suffer.  And I have a hard time believing in asymptomatic carriers who have to be tested to find out they are sick.  What I have read indicates that is not very likely.  And why do vaccinated people still have to wear a mask?  Good points I think.  

That's it for now may post again before bed.  Oh, and doing laundry.  And the dogs are gone.  

I am sure some are going to think I'm a royal bitch

 So a pretty uneventful morning, didn't take a nap.  I went outside and 3 large German Shepherds showed up, I went back in the house.  I looked on Nextdoor and learned some interesting things: 

• They have gotten aggressive with people.  
• Some do gooders who "love animals" but don't want any responsibility have been giving them food and water but no other care.  "They're a family, we can't separate them at a shelter!"
• One of the dogs appears to be pregnant, which is probably feeding the aggression.  
• They have killed a cat in front of witnesses.  

I put up a notice they were by my house and gave the "rescue" crowd a couple of hours to come get them, because that was the biggest excuse "We don't know where they are".  No one came.  One guy kept whining about how they were "good" dogs and "just scared".  A scared dog is even more dangerous.  And these are not fearful dogs they have been exploring the front yard and sleeping by my neighbor's trash cans.  

What pushed me over the edge?  The mail lady had a package for me she could not deliver due to the dogs.  And I can't go out in my yard because they are there, unpredictable, and all I know is they have killed cats (I smell like cats) and are aggressive with do-gooder humans how much more someone who is uncomfortable with large dogs?  So I called the shelter.  I made sure to talk about the dead cat and growling at people and she said they would send someone RIGHT out.  

Thank God my cats stayed away.  Most of them were inside but I couldn't find Cleo.  On a sick and depressing note I didn't hear anything like a dog killing her so she is safe somewhere.  Baby Girl had a good look at them out the window but didn't go out of the backyard (thank God my uncle fixed my fence).  

Hopefully they will be out to get the dogs pretty quick.  It's a huge safety hazard, I kept thinking I have 2 little girls, one lives one side one across the street.  Each of the girls has a small, yappy, dog.  If the shepherds were killing cats I would bet money they would attack a small dog, the girls would try to "save" their pet and get mauled.  Not to mention me I need to be able to go out in my yard and be safe.  I don't want to hear that, or see some poor child all mauled up.  I am not overly worried about the cats but I am for myself and passersby.  

I just don't think dogs have any place roaming the neighborhood, that is why I live in a deed restricted subdivision, in a county that has leash laws.  I know many people have lived their whole lives in the country with a big pack of dogs roaming all over... that is fine in the country if you know to expect that but I want to be safe.  

Yes, I am wary around dogs.  I had some bad experiences coming up.  According to my brother my sister had a really hard time, a shepherd bit her on the face!  You can't tell but I can only imagine what that did to her sense of security.  

Interestingly enough, I have heard from both siblings my mother had a habit of gifting puppies to people.  She must have known Dad would never allow that with me.  So I grew up in a house without pets.  Then we eventually got a bird, later on a cat.  But that was it, the bird and the cat.  And Dad has never been comfortable with cats.  He told my stepmother it would only ever be the one cat and that's how it's been.  No more cats for Mom.  

At least, my Dad reminds her, until he dies, then she can go get one.  She will probably adopt a nice old calico she loves calicos and older cats (she will love Torbie).  

Now, do I hate dogs?  No.  I actually offered more than once to care for any service dog Ron might want, a Guide Dog or a service dog (more to help him in wheelchair which was a bigger issue to us than blind).  Both times he said no.  More than once he told me he dated a woman with a Guide Dog and it was horrible when they had to put the dog down.  He was still broken up about that but is happily reunited with the pup.  

And Ron had a dog when he was a boy, a large dog.  She was very protective of Ron and would attack Ron's brother if he bullied Ron.  Their dad eventually gave her away because they didn't have any low cost spay options.  It broke Ron's heart.  They had other dogs but she was special.  

On the other hand, his mother had a dog that was so vicious the vet called it "The Louisiana Gator Dog" because it was always biting and snapping.  It would attack anyone who got near Ron's mother, she would chuckle and pet him when he did so (rewarding him).  It was constantly biting Ron.  He got sick of it and stopped visiting his mother because she refused to put the dog up when he came.  They (both parents) would chuckle every time the dog attacked someone.  It was a chihuahua but had it been bigger people would have reported it to animal control and had it put down.  

So me, personally?  I don't really have good experiences with dogs, particularly large ones, particularly shepherds, as I saw one mauling a neighbor boy when I was about 8.  Horrible animal.  They put her down of course.  But that has just been my wheelhouse, dogs are erratic and aggressive, avoid if at all possible.  I sure don't want a pack of them in my yard and I absolutely do not want to get sued because someone thought they were "mine".  

So I am just waiting for animal control to come.  The mail lady swung by again but still a large dog in my yard so she kept going.  But I commend her for at least trying.  Some people wouldn't even try to deliver a package once.  She tried at least twice that I saw.  

Hopefully people will be more careful with their animals if they realize they will be picked up, that not everyone feels sorry for the large aggressive dog pack growling at people and killing small animals.  It was just STUPID for people to gang up and feed them...they would never leave after that.  Much better to trap them and get them to a shelter or rescue vs. let them roam the neighborhood killing pets and growling at people.  

So that was my day.  I will edit when they're gone.  

I am not stupid if they are all aggressive they are going to be put down, but better that than have them attack a small child out walking her (small) dog (on a leash).  

Thursday

 I had the first good dream I remember in a while.  I was at a garden center shopping and laughing with someone.  We were amused at the fact my maternal grandmother (in the dream) found out she had some black blood (she was a racist).  I woke up, couldn't sleep any more, got up.  

Not a bad start to my day.  I also had a mild headache so watching that.    I made a grocery delivery around 3 AM (placed the order, got at 9:30).  I took a shower and went back to bed for a little bit.  

I got up at 8, got dressed, did my God Time.  I got the delivery.  2 very small changes to it, I ordered a 6 pack of hard boiled eggs, which they apparently didn't have.  So they sent me 3x2 packs of hard boiled eggs.  That works.  You only have a week to eat the eggs once you open the package a lot of times Ron couldn't eat 6 in a week.  Othertimes he ate 4 at a time.  

They also sent me a 7 ounce Trolli sour worms instead of a 6 ounce generic brand, again, not an issue.  I got more and that is generally how Walmart rolls.  The driver was very nice and I remembered to give him his cash tip.  

I like giving a cash tip.  On the record he got a $4 tip electronically but he also got a little more.  I always do that.  I will die tipping too much because I have worked in the service industry.  Anyone in my life will just have to understand that.  

I got some candy for distribution so I'm happy about that.  For now I will hand out candy with Scripture booklets.  

My aunt called, progress on the lawyer thing.  Long story short Ron did not put me on his primary account (to his credit, I didn't put him on mine, either).  He did have a will (remember the rectal bleeding thing?  We did wills during that), leaving everything to me.  So no question about that.  BUT the bank will not hand over the money unless/until we get lawyers involved.  [rolleyes]  I have the go fund me so I am not out in the street but it is taxing.  

My aunt got me enrolled with a program and they are still processing my intake, but I hope I am the type of case they will take.  Long term married woman just trying to get what's hers, I am disabled, I am not working, I could really use it.  A feel good case "Heather got what's hers".  It could be a while, though.  I am OK with that I do have the Go Fund Me for now.  God has got me this far.  

I had $16 in my checking account when Ron died.  I don't forget that.  

She was going out to run errands we apparently have a storm system moving in this afternoon.  I should probably get going on my laundry.  I don't run the washer during thunderstorms as a power outage is "bad" for the washer.  Got that going.  

The lawyers said they need to talk to me which is fine.  I will help them as much as I can.  It's in my best interest, after all.  

I am going to hang out until the wash is done (the lock on the door can get a little hinky if I don't open it right away).  Maybe take a nap, then do more job hunting.  

That's it for now.  

I'm not good at leisure time

 Slept better last night, not great but getting there.  If anyone is praying for my sleep it is appreciated.  

Got up and did my God time, prayed for YOU and everyone else, myself, God's will in my life, etc.  

I had my phone interview, I think it went very well.  She went over things I saw on the website and wanted to make sure I was OK with working different shifts, nights, weekends.  I said that was fine.  

Between us home is not the same place it was when Ron was alive.  It is a safe place for me and the cats but the love in it is gone.  I play music all the time (low levels) because I can't stand the emptiness.  So a busy job sounds good.  

She said she was referring me to another manager for another interview.  SHE DID NOT SAY NO at any point so I am encouraged.  If she didn't think I would have worked out she'd have said so.  So that went well I think.  I was honest I don't have hotel experience but I have plenty of experience working with the public.  And I used the words "At your disposal" regarding schedules.  

And I checked the bus runs all the times I would need it.  

So I was done job hunting for the day, once I weeded out all the Career builder scams.  Don't use Career Builder I have had nothing but fraud and scams coming off of that.  The only viable leads I've had were going to a company's web page and clicking "careers" and "apply", then filling out their application and doing my resume.  

My adoptive mom is having eye surgery today, I talked to Dad and told him about the interview while he waited outside in the car.  I talked to my aunt.  

Torbie was in my lap, lost her balance (she's old) and scratched my thigh again.  The same thigh, a little closer to the knee this time.  I wasn't planning on it but not wearing short skirts anytime soon.  Then I tried to take a nap.  Spotty came along, got on my chest purring.  Like Cleo he likes his lovin's in bed, not anywhere else in the house.  I am fine with that.  So I'm petting him and all of a sudden something startled him, he jumped and lashed out with his claws... and now I have a scratch on my elbow.  It is funny because I can go years without being scratched by a cat, now it's twice in one day.  I can't do anything about Spotty, he is not easily spooked, but I do have an extra towel I put on the couch arm, I can place that in my lap when Torbie wants to sit.  Then I will have the towel between her claws and my skin.  I don't blame either of the cats.  

I blocked one guy on a message board because he said he "always" had his cats declawed because his wife had an immune condition and "could get really sick" off a cat scratch.  "But she loves her horses".  Why have cats if you are worried about that?  Why mutilate them?  It's better not to have a cat than to do that, I've seen it up close twice and both times it was agonizing for the cat.  

I did find it interesting my vet is very pro-claw and had a sign up in the cat exam room with a human hand with the fingers cut up.  "It's the same thing for a cat" and would not under any circumstance declaw.  Go, doc!  Years ago Torbie had a tumor on her back left foot, and it was growing.  I took her to doc who watched it, it kept growing, we agreed time to get that thing off.  She said she might have to take the toe.  I was OK with that.  I just wanted the full biopsy on it, and was willing to $$ pay for it.  So doc did the surgery the tumor was right up against a claw tendon, but got it all with good margins.  And she gave me a painkiller "for use in declawed cats".  That's what it said in the directions.  That's as close as either of us would get to that horrid procedure.  

I am OK with getting sliced now and then.  Ron had plenty of rubbing alcohol I have been using that on my cuts.  But that was pretty much it aside from my interview.  I found a word game on my cell phone, play that about 15 minutes a day, says it is good for training my brain (sounds good at any rate).  It is the right amount of challenging for me.  And it has a cheat feature where you can tap on the light bulb for a clue.  This is a big deal for me as I never do games.  But I am bored enough I am doing this game 15 minutes a day.  "Word Trip" I finally remembered.  

So that was pretty much my day.  I will be ready to go back to work when I get the call.  1.  Money.  and 2.  Something to do.  

That's it for now.  

Found some buried treasure today

 Let's see if this works.  

It did!  I found an image I hadn't seen, for Ron.  I won't tell you how old this photo is but it's old.  I like to think that is now he looks now.  Not like he was at the end.  

Anyway I think he's adorable, and I like thinking about the laugh lines he had at the end and how I helped put them there.  Interesting to note he already has a high hairline in the photo, a precursor to his male pattern baldness.  

Today I have been battling some anger, at the man who ran over Ron (of course) and Ron's brother, who wasn't very fraternal.   Anger is a normal stage of grief and I remind myself of that.  I will get through this.  

Love big, hurt big when you lose them, and you will, one way or another.  Or they lose you.  It would have destroyed Ron to lose me first.  I was his everything... he was huge in my life but I had my online life and some family aside... Ron had me, and Baby Girl.  And if I had died or left him he wouldn't have even had Baby Girl.  

Am I sorry I loved him so deeply?  No.  I never regretted loving him (for long).  Did I know it would be this hard?  No.  I always assumed I would be a lot older, or, frankly, that we would go together somehow.  I just didn't think about it.  

Well here I am unemployed and grieving.  It's pretty horrible.  But I have to think it will get better.  I just need to be patient.  

God has my back, I just need to trust His plan and hustle appropriately.  

That's it for now.  

I feel like a minnow in a sea of sharks!

 The only legit job offers seem to be places I applied myself, the hotel, the bus company, etc.  A lot of the job hunt sites mined my information, I think, and sold it to scammers.  

A good example, a text I got just now: "Is this Heather ___?"  Normal reaction would be to say "yes" but I know if I say "yes" in a text message I could end up getting billed for something so I said "It is!"  Blah blah, "$55 an hour".  

There is no job for me at that pay rate.  No legal job.  So I said "Sounds illegal 😀, what is it?"  Nothing.  I went to Indeed no problems from there but I went to some other sites as well and SORRY I did.  I think these turkeys will be bugging me long after I get my job.  

But I did sleep better last night, I only woke up once at 3, dreams were not as bad.  I told my aunt I feel terrible about the night Ron died.  I had a dream he came to me trying to hug me and I kept pushing him away and yelling "You're dead!  Go away!"  I feel really bad about that, what if it was his spirit reaching out?  And I won't go to a medium or anything like that.  I do hope he comes back and I can say goodbye more politely.  I feel bad about that.  

But I am doing better every day, it's just a process.  I will see Ron again one day in the meantime no pain, no fear, no suffering for him.  I can't feel bad for that.  It just sucks to be me without him and unemployed.  But it will get better.  

The longer I go without him the more inclined I am to stay single.  There is a lot of pain with love.  I loved big, "lost" big.  Not really wanting to go through that again.  

I can love people in general, my recipients (evangelism), my family.  It is bad enough all the people I love in my family are well over 60.  We know how that is going to end one day.  More pain.  I won't stop loving them but I'm just not inclined to open my heart that wide again any time soon.  

I was 17 when I met Ron, young and fearless.  Now I know how much it hurts to lose a husband I am not inclined to go looking for another one, even years in the future.  Not to mention the emotional toll of caregiving all those years... so much anxiety and worry about him.  I was always so afraid I would screw up and hurt him somehow.  

Both my grandmothers were widowed young.  Neither remarried, I see why.  Now, having said all this, six years from now "I met a great guy!" you just don't know.  But I am not dating for a long time.  That's one reason I think Ron's friend stopped calling me, I said that.  

I didn't tell the guy Ron had a horrible early family life.  He only gradually shared some of it with me but suffice to say I see why he drank.  Anyway this guy kept talking about what a "wonderful" family Ron had and how I must not "understand".  Trying to throw him in a nursing home, attempting to sabotage my efforts to take him home and care for him myself, etc. are all pretty clear indicators THEY NEVER LIKED ME.  And that never changed.  But Ron liked me plenty.  😉  And that's the only opinion that mattered to me.  

But at the end of it Ron said I made him happy and that's all that really matters to me now.  I did a good job with him; he was loved.  

It was a busy Monday

 I woke up at 3 with a splitting headache, took some Excedrin and went back to bed, got up at 7.  Still had the headache so I took some more Excedrin.  

I got ready and did my God Time, then left the house and walked to the bus stop.  I had a very nice bus driver.  I had to ride all the way downtown to the "Ride Store" to "fix" my bus pass, which I had turned off when I lost my wallet.  Or so I thought.  

When we got close I asked the driver to let me know when we got to Main street.  She did, I got off, there's the bus company right there on the corner.  I went inside.  It was a lot quieter than it has been in the past.  I went to the proper window and she said my pass had never been turned off!  What?  So I put another $20 since I was there.  

I went to the deli boy they are struggling.  I felt bad for them, bought a muffin and a soda.  Ate that.  Got my bus schedules, boy that took a while to print up.  Then she told me where to go to go home. I went, there it was.. not a long wait either time.  I had the same driver.  

I got off and headed home, my aunt came to meet me.  We checked my mail at the post office and I had my ID card.  That's great, and it has the star on it so I can fly now.  My old one did not have that.  Dad wants me to come visit so this works very well.  

There were a few things I gave to my aunt.  She was curious about one thing and opened it (with permission) it was some sort of scam so we threw it away.  I had more papers for her so we went home and I gave her the sack (!), then we got a late lunch, ran by a grocery store, and then home again.  I sat outside for a while it's important to get sun and fresh air.  

I did feel terrible, I accidentally stepped on Torbie's foot earlier but she is not limping.  I still feel terrible about it, though.   

That's it for now.  

Sunday, most of it

 I had a pretty quiet day I sat outside a lot as it is nice and the jasmine is blooming.  I did a one click apply for 50 jobs today so I was cleaning out my in box.  I got an email we want an interview at our location.  I looked it up on the bus trip planner, two and a half hours each way.  

Well, that's not feasible.  It is very discouraging.   I know the right job is out there it's just the whole "dating" process.  "Will I like them?"  "Will they like me?"  "Will we each be able to tolerate the other's issues?"  

Admittedly I only did some very light teenage dating before I met Ron but the process seems similar.  I did ask God to close all the doors but the right one, and 2.5 hours each way is a pretty tight lock!  But I will be patient.  

I was sitting out in my chair thinking "Maybe a bubble bath" so I looked it up on the Walmart grocery website and they are nearly out of bubble bath!  And I'm not paying $13 a bottle.  I will be cashing in that Bath and Body works card pretty soon let me tell you... they have some nice scents.  

So tomorrow I am trying to figure out, need to talk to my aunt.  I will definitely be going downtown on the bus to get my new bus card, for certain doing that.  My aunt mentioned helping... she could pick me up downtown and bring me back, run a few errands...or I could just come back on the bus (not hard the stop is pretty much right outside transit headquarters).  I need to talk to her about that.  

It would be nice to grab lunch or something. feeling kind of isolated.  I do better around people always have.  That's why I would love to get a customer service job making people happy all day long.  I will just have to see.  

I have been working on a caregiver resume as a self-assigned therapeutic exercise, it has been very hard going writing it all out.  

I was just playing around on the webcam and I look terrible.  I was going to take my shower tomorrow morning but think I had better do it tonight.  

That's it for now.  

So I am scared to share this

 As you know I have been planning for "worst case" losing the house and having to move to an apartment.  Even a dump costs $600-700 a month in Houston which is quite discouraging.  Plus anxiety about when I am going to get a job... not a fun place to be.  

So I was talking to someone last night, a family member, about a possible home for Spotty and they stopped me and said "We (they are married) have discussed this and we will pay off your house if insurance won't"  Wow.  I am still processing that.  "So you don't have to move".  

I still don't believe it.  If this happens what a huge load off my back!  

I will feel so much better when I get a job, though.  Even with a paid off house I will have taxes and insurance to pay.  I also plan to put at least $200 into savings every month for home repairs.  It is easy to neglect that and then, BAM new roof!  I don't think I need to worry about the plumbing for 30 years or so but the roof has been around for a while.  I would also like to get rid of the mulberry tree in my back yard.  

A neighbor volunteered to clean out my yard when the tree was much smaller and I asked him to take it with the other weed trees (yes, a thing in Houston).  He said "No it is a fruit tree, it is a good tree".   The birds eat all of the fruit I don't get any of it.  Why would I want that thing next to my house?  I wouldn't.... so save up to get rid of that thing (my yard guy can do it but I want to pay him for this job).  Also save up because I have a $2K deductible on insurance.  

SO a lot to do yet.  Tomorrow I go downtown and fix my bus pass.  The plan is to put another $30 on it so I have a $60 total, that is 100 rides for me (more actually they give some free rides per every 10 or so).  

I was cleaning out my bookmarks and found Old Navy had cloth masks on sale, I could get 5 gray and 5 navy, for $8 plus shipping.  Sounded good so I went ahead and pulled the trigger.  Used the credit card even which I will pay off shortly.  The navy will be particularly good for work and interviews as navy is a color that says "I'm here to work".  And I liked gray a lot even before Ron died.  I am wearing yesterday's gray tshirt in fact.  

Well, more than the t shirt.  😂

I had some bad experiences with masks that didn't work last year.  I think I have a normal face but everything was too tight?  I am a little beefy but not that much.  Anyway Old Navy had good reviews and I can take a chance on their masks.  

I bought one from a specialty company in CA last year and it was great, I got another and it was way too tight.  I bought another (they had sizes so I kept going up) and it was too tight.  That was a lot of money wasted at a time when money was very tight.  

So a $4 pack of masks sounds pretty good.  If they work out I have 10 nice ones.  I don't think I have 10 right now (aside from some disposables I got for Ron as he preferred them).  I will be keeping the disposables I just had a hard time the one day seeing his.  His eyes would leak little "tears" onto the mask and I saw it and almost lost it.  

And I gave him such a hard time right before he died, a night or two before he took out his left eye and was cleaning it with a wet wipe.  I walked past and saw the eye sitting on his face and screamed.  I said "I will (perform personal care task) all day long but I won't deal with eyes!"  He laughed and teased me about it.  I am glad he felt comfortable enough to do that.  

Once or twice his eye fell out, I had to help him find it, pick it up, etc.  He had gotten a new set of eyes made back in 1999 he was about 230 then.  I think the eyes got "loose" as he lost the weight.  I had been talking to him about getting a new set made (Medicare pays for that sort of thing).  The crematory got rid of his eyes I sure didn't want them.  

So I am happy I got the masks.  I can use them.  I don't exactly want to use the brightly printed masks right now in my grief.  I am not going around in black but not ready for bright colors (it will come).  

I am working very hard to be a good steward and I absolutely need masks.  so I feel good about that.  

So, good news about the house.  That is a big load off.  

Saturday afternoon

 To those upset about my name in the blog don't worry, it was already out there.  

One thing I have been doing is try to anticipate what might happen and plan for it in advance, like losing the house.  Apartments will only let me have 2 cats.  So that means 3 would need good homes.  I have Torbie pretty settled.  Today I got Spotty.  My aunt has a cat loving neighbor has to put one down, only has 2.  She may take Spotty.  He would be great for her he is very cuddly and sweet.  So is Torbie, for that matter.  

And I will be keeping Baby Girl, who has never once gotten in my lap.  😂  But she wouldn't be rehomed easily and Ron would want me to keep her.  Cleo is terrified of anyone but me so is also on the keep list.  And there's my 2.  

So anyway, I feel better knowing I have possible homes lined up for 2 of the cats.  Biscuit may be a little trickier.  But for now I am choosing to believe the vet would take him.  

I had a good outing today and less distraught than I have been other Saturdays.  Saturday is a good day for most people and I will remember that eventually.  But I sure won't mind working it.  

I have been going outside to sit in the sun periodically I think sun is really important in combatting depression...and I just remembered I forgot to take my B-vitamin.  OK I got that.  

It is hard waiting not knowing when or if I will get a job.  Wondering about Ron's estate and if I will keep the house.  My aunt is in contact with some legal professionals.  I gave her Power Of Attorney that should cover everything for now.  Of course you know what will happen, once everything is settled I am going to take them some Bibles and candy.  

But I am choosing not to live in anxiety right now.  I am going to see if there is anything good on TV not that horrible show about raped women.   

Looked up some apartments near the transit center: 2 cat limit, deposits of varying amounts.  Rent at best will be around $600.  I am starting to see what my aunt said "It's cheaper to live in a house than an apartment" so let's hope I can keep it.  I feel really awful having selected what cats I would keep or not if I do lose the house.  

 But I'd rather have it settled ahead of time then have it bite me.  

But - all is not lost I have not yet been told I will lose the house, so I do have some hope (50%) I can keep it.  We will just have to see.  

I just ate 2 (small loaf of bread) fantastic wow butter (soy nut butter stand in for peanut butter as PB gives me a migraine) and honey sandwiches on whole wheat bread.  With my evening medication of course.  

Torbie scratched me on my leg (her foot slipped as she was getting up from my lap and she instinctively dug in her claw) last week, it is healing but very tight and itchy (a long, deep, scratch).  It is not infected or anything it looks good.  It is high enough I will not be showing that much thigh unless I am at the doctor's.  

I managed to blacken one toe nail during the blackout/freeze back in February I finally trimmed that toenail down.  It looks better but the base is still black, wondering if it will ever come back.  If so I might need to use nail polish when I wear sandals (not that I have any sandals).  The nail is growing so I am not too worried.  It just looks bad.  

I really love to run around barefoot so I notice.  

Ron had terrible toenails.  They were just so ugly, thick, brittle.  I did trim them before he went to the doctor so they looked good on the autopsy table.  But I am sure they were more concerned with the insides.  

You know it could be up to several months before I get a cause of death on Ron?  And even then it may be "we don't know" (worded more formally).  That is a hard wait.  But I'm not going to bug the coroner.  I watched enough "Dr G, Medical Examiner" to understand.  They will know when they know.  

I am curious to find what they found in his brain because the had the trauma, stroke, and all.  With his back they always called it "Degenerative changes".  And it is nice to know his back hasn't bothered him in weeks!  He is in his perfect body!  Probably running hurdles, I like to think of him running in Heaven.  

The cats are good which is nice, I don't need to clean the litter box, they have been going outside.  I am trying to take it easy today; I will likely do some housework tomorrow if nothing else.  

That's it for now.  

Did a video blog

 More later 

Thursday

 I slept better, not great, awful dreams but I only woke up once and was able to go back to sleep OK.  Slept until 8 which is very late for me.  

Got up, got dressed, talked legal stuff with my aunt, gave her Ron's log in for the Blind Vendors.  She had a CPA for a long time so she knows her way around a profit and loss statement.  She only had one question about it.  

Pretty depressed today, made worse when I was already at a low point and some [censored] with a heavy European accent called trying to get me to sell the house.  These guys pay cash, a fraction of the real value, to desperate people.  I cussed him out good called him a "vulture" he was still talking when I hung up.  If I have to sell the house I am either selling it to my aunt, or getting full market value with a traditional listing.  Ron would be furious if I let myself get hosed.  

I may be grieving but I'm not stupid.  I couldn't sleep so I didn't take a nap.  I called my parents, turns out it's a good thing I called when I did as she was going to her son's house later tonight.  She said she had made a rice salad and started listing ingredients, everything I hate, onions, cilantro, I thought it was funny.  I didn't tell her that.  

If you are ever fixing me a meal mac and cheese is a sure winner side.  Traditional potato salad with no onions in it.  Baked beans.  BBQ type sides are good.  

Entree I am not picky.  I am not crazy about lasagna but love spaghetti.  I had macaroni and beef out of a can for lunch.  A big chunk of meat is always good.  

Dessert I like regular puddings, bread puddings (a favorite), cake, pie, just no chocolate or peanuts as they are a migraine trigger.  

I had a protein shake, I felt better about myself drinking it "I am taking care of my body".  I plan to have a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.  

Tomorrow, one way or another I am getting my bus pass.  My feet are pretty much healed up from the blisters.  I have found I am OK walking distances if I apply "tough strip" bandages over the blister and wear socks and sneakers.  I have done that twice.  

I have run out of non-medical places to apply for a job.  I will start doing that next week, I need to do some sort of caregiver resume.  I will post some of that.  

My aunt is working on the estate, Ron's last taxes (we are getting an extension), mortgage company and bank.  She has her hands full.  

I plan to try to relax and forget my troubles for a while but that is easier said than done.  I miss Ron as a person/husband terribly.  I am happy he is no longer suffering, though.  I wish I had some warning I could have gotten one last cuddle (let me tell you, touching his dead body gave me the CREEPS) and kiss him on top of his head, hear him scream with mock pain.  I miss all that but I don't miss him suffering.  I was happy to help him but I was doing a lot and I will probably never discuss all I did for him.  And who he was at the end wasn't 'him".   Ron was a vibrant, loving, hardworking, generous man.  His problems wore him down a lot but he still kept that core.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday night

 I have no idea what I'm doing for dinner.  

Did talk to my aunt; gave her my email password and "Ron's" log in to the blind vendor database (can only access his records).  I feel fine with this.  

Either I want her to help me (my thinking) or I don't.  If I want her to help she needs all the information.  So I gave it.  She did not ask, I offered.  I trust her.  

She knows everything there is to know, good and bad.  I was able to reassure her the papers we threw out after Ron's death were old invoices from our suppliers, I doubt that will come up.  I think legally I only need to keep them a few years and these were 10-15 years old.  So OK.  

I did keep the important forms.  But it is a lot to go through for us.  I feel bad this will not be over soon.  

But I trust her so there's that.  

Bank of America is being difficult about Ron's accounts.  Well, I'm on one of them (business) but the other one they froze.  My aunt will figure it out but I am thinking I shouldn't count on getting MUCH of that money, back.  

I probably should have done a transfer to "my" account and then emptied it but that didn't seem ethical.  I do stand by that.  I wanted to do it clean and I might have gotten into trouble for it.  But I could have.  

I am going to go figure out dinner, I need to take my pills.   

Have decided to have my pint of butter pecan ice cream for dinner.  Sat outside in the sun and talked to my parents.  Told them some Ron stories, they enjoyed that.  

Later Wednesday morning

 I decided it would be prudent to send my doctor a message through the patient portal, namely that Ron had died, I had lost my job, I was depressed, but "still functional".  I didn't say this but he should get the lithium level the next day or two.  That way he has the full picture.  

I got my groceries they had everything.  I got V8 because I like it and it has lots of nutrition.  I also got some frozen chopped greens.  I can't always eat fresh greens before they turn but frozen will keep indefinitely.  I took my shower and even conditioned my hair.  It is chilly today so I wore sweat pants and did not shave my legs, but I did clean the toilet.  

My aunt will be working on estate stuff today so if you pray send one up for that.  

So far my biggest problem (aside from moderate depression) is Torbie begging for treats.  I gave her and Baby Girl some at least once today already.  

I plan to take a nap shortly.  After all I was up at 3?  I think it was 3 AM.  

I am going to soak my feet in vinegar for some reason I am having a little athlete's foot lately.  I don't notice it most of the time but I don't want it to get bad.  Going to go do that.  

Got my test results, most of them very normal including lithium level.  Cholesterol 229, Triglycerides 216.  HDL at 58.  So not great but not horrible either.  I need to cut some carbs.  I always had very low numbers doing that.  Good news AIC is 5.5.   A couple years ago it was 5.4 so I am keeping that number down.  

Glad I paid for the tests.  I would rather just KNOW than wonder, and now I know I need to work on cholesterol.  My calcium was also a little high so I will cut out the supplement.  But overall very healthy.  

The last thing my family needs is me dead.  A lot of times things can be caught early, like blood sugar or kidney issues, but if allowed to go too far irreversible damage is done.  

So it looks like the triglyceride thing can be dealt with by doing low carb and some exercise, which is good.  I am going to be careful if nothing else the cats need me.  

Speaking of the cats I did contact one of my cat groups and asked if it was OK to post one of the cats for adoption if I lose the house, he said yes.  Was very nice about it.  

So that's one.  Vet would be #2 (Biscuit).   And then I would need to ask about Spotty on the orange cat group.  

I just wish I had a job it would be so much easier to grieve my losses if I had an income coming in.  Don't get me wrong, someone donated $50 to my Go Fund Me last night (paid for my groceries).  George Muller talked about living on faith alone on donations.  He did pretty well and had a huge "orphan house" at the end of it and raised 10K kids.  

I have been living on very little the last year I just wish I had some security.  But, does anyone?  Good question.  I could depend on Ron's disability check every month.  

* I have considered applying for my own disability at some point in the future if needed, but would rather earn my own way.  I don't think it is a bad thing.  

But the only job involved meat slicers!  And I keep getting emails from life insurance companies wanting me to work on commission.  2 just today.  Dad says no commission work and I'm with him, there would be a lot of logistical issues as well with that.  

Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed this is a million times worse than caring for Ron.  The worry is much worse.  I have been living oppressed by worry for a very long time now.  

I mean, I don't even have a cause of death for Ron?  Do you know how that haunts me?  

God has me, I absolutely believe that.  He has gotten me through equally ugly times.  I just need to be patient and give Him time to work.  It is just hard.  I feel like some sort of seed being squeezed in a press to get all the good oils out.  

I am a sunflower seed.  😂

When I look online I get so depressed and feel very unqualified for everything.  I know God has THE RIGHT job for me and that is what matters, but I am losing my confidence.  Maybe the wheels take a while to turn when you apply online... I don't know.  But it is discouraging.  I am doing my best to keep my faith and spirits up while at the same time allowing myself to feel the terrible loss I have.  

It isn't easy.  

Very early Wednesday

 I hope an employer doesn't read this.  

I am a firm believer I have a grieving process and I need to work through it.  So, here goes.  

Last night I had a nightmare before I woke up.  Ron was in his wheelchair and had made a big mess, spilling food, and I snapped at him "I feel like I can't turn my back on you" and that is EXACTLY how I felt at the end... 

But he's dead.  

So those were the two options?  Deterioration or death?  Doesn't quite seem fair.  Whatever happened to GETTING BETTER?  Both his parents lived into their 90's and he's dead in his 60's?  Not fair.  

Now Dad always used to pontificate: "Life isn't fair".  Yes, I know that but he suffered so much.  We did.  It is HELL to watch someone you love screaming in agony and the doctors will do NOTHING.  I was so disgusted with the pain doctor.  And Ron's a pleaser he would always say it "wasn't that bad" but he was in hell.  Even when I said "He was up screaming all last night" the doctor would give him some more magnets (!) and sadly tell him he couldn't give "more" than one and a half (50 mg) Tramadol a day.  That did nothing for his pain one reason Ron stopped going.  

All the doctor would say is "You've got a jacked up back".  Really?  I'm not mad at the doctor, really, just I was so frustrated the whole time Ron went to him.  

I will say the doctor might get in big trouble, because I remember filling out Ron's intake paperwork and Ron disclosed he was drinking more than 6 servings of alcohol a day, and was drunk at the time I filled out the paperwork.  Ron should have never been given anything until the alcohol abuse was addressed, and the coroner would have seen that.  The investigator said they would pull ALL the records.  

So I get angry and sad Ron had to live like that because Roy the reckless driver was yakking on his cell phone when he ran a red light.  He even said (to me) he was "in a big hurry" that day.  He was calling me every day for about a week, then gave me his number and said to call his house with updates.  I went to call one day and his wife was a total bitch "We don't know any Ron!" so I figured screw it.  I didn't want to deal with some jealous wife.  I did not want her man.  I wanted mine, healthy.  

Her attitude did play a big role in our decision to sue Roy.  

Ron's family was so awful to him I always felt terrible, he was always reaching out in love and they just ignored him like he didn't exist.  Ron's sister told me "I won't be a butt wiper" (she raised 3 boys!) and I always told her I would handle any of that.  The most I might have asked was help feeding him.  But mainly and always for me it is transportation.  A ride to Walmart is always welcome.  And that's pretty much ALL I need.   Not even that, most times, now that I have Walmart Delivery.  

Ron's friend Ed just wanted to gossip that was all.  So Ron stopped calling him.  Ron pretty much had me and my family at the end and that was it.  My parents called and sang happy birthday to him on his last birthday, no one else.  And Ron was touched even though he later told me "they can't sing!".  My aunt and uncle always looked out for him, when my uncle picked me up to go to their house for Christmas he stopped in Ron's room and checked on him, said hello and how are you.  

It was just really tragic.  I feel really bad for Ron at the end.  He is in heaven now no pain or fear.  He is doing way better than any of us, but I would have liked to have him for at least another decade, in good health.  It's not fair he went into a wheelchair in his 40's.  

I am going to take a shower... more later.  

Well everyone warned it would hit me

 I was doing OK: I got the blood test being a mature and responsible patient.  I came home.  I tipped my Uber drivers well but not excessively.  I had a good snack after the blood test.  

My aunt contacted me they would be coming in a few hours; OK.  She was doing my Medical Power of Attorney, regular Power of Attorney so she can represent me in the estate, and my DNR because I don't want anyone running a full code on me.  I will refer to that all from now on as the POA.  

I pulled a mask out of my backpack as we got out of the car and it was one of Ron's.  That was heartbreaking.  He used to look so cute in his mask it would always migrate up over his eyes, so it covered his eyes, nose, and mouth.  

So we went to the notary and I signed and signed.  Happily I had a blue pen.  She reviewed it all signed and stamped away.  Then we went to the copy shop and had color copies made.  Mainly so I could have some DNR copies for myself I didn't care about the POA.  Either she is going to do what I want, or not.  It will also be useful if I ever had some sort of break and she needed to advocate.  I don't know if she considered that but I did.  I am fine with that she is a lovely woman (if you're reading, I'm waving!).  

So we got that done I put my copies in the backpack and I have Ron's mask.  I should have got rid of it and I didn't.  We went to the post office.  Another woman from the subdivision was raging at the clerk about the mailbox problem.  Like that is going to fix anything.  

When she helped me I gave her candy, a letter I got for someone else by mistake (it looked like an insurance policy so I wanted to make sure she got it), and my address.  And she gave me my mail, it had a letter from the bank "To the ESTATE OF RON..." and I almost cried.  That on top of the mask just flipped me.  I was just heartbroken, still am.  

I gave it to my aunt as she is handling all of that, then they took me to Walmart.  I bought more candy to hand out, and bags.  I got some comfort carbs for me, one bag of queso chips, some french toast sticks, and a pint of icecream (will NOT all be eaten the same day!).  Then I left, oh, and I got kitchen trash bags in lavender because Ron hated lavender anything.  

We came home and my uncle worked on the fence for a little bit, those kids smashed a hole in the fence one day chasing their ball.  Great kids.  He got it respectable and they left.  

I feel really bad they are likely stuck in rush hour traffic.  But my aunt said she really needed the forms, from me, to move on.  So they have them now.  

She wanted to take a picture of the marriage license so I produced that, sadly thinking marriage is a contract and mine is broken.  And they don't marry in Heaven I guess you love everyone equally.  It says so in the Bible "They neither marry or are given in marriage"  It was profoundly depressing.  Then She wanted to take a photo of his ID but I just gave her the whole wallet.  Nothing in there for me.  She did take a picture of my ID which is fine.  She also has my social and my bank account number; I really do trust her.  She is very ethical and is far more likely to give more than she should.  

Now I am just left with where to put the DNR.  I posted a question on the Caregiver group we will see what they say.  So far "fridge" is leading the pack.  

I am going to take a break and sit out in the sun for a while.  I'm glad I can.  

Tuesday

 Another night of not sleeping great but I had Cleo cuddled in like a tick it was adorable.  If I had to wake up at least it was to her sweet little face.  Ron was always so impressed I had tamed her but I always reminded him his treats and petting opened the door for that.  She felt very safe approaching him for treats and pets.  Now, Baby Girl was a bitch, very possessive of Ron, otherwise Cleo may have well become Ron's cat.  

I got up.  I really had second thoughts about going to the lab for my blood test.  I finally got going, though.  I took a Uber there and it was cheap enough it only cost me $5 for the return trip, so I took Uber both ways.  I am sure they were happy for the business.  

But first I did my God Time and drank 3 bottles of water.  I got to the lab and walked in, told them what I wanted.  They had me fill out some forms and pay, then took me back.  

It was an older lady I felt very confident until she started poking timidly at my elbows saying "I don't know..."  two BAD sticks later she called in her boss.  Boss was able to get it on the first try.  You can't see the vein but it is there you just have to take your time feeling it, tie me off, slap it a few times (my experience over 40 years living in this body).  They finally got it and took an extra vial just in case (I was fine with that I did not want another stick anytime soon).  But my arms don't look too bad, really, a little mild bruising but not really notable unless you are looking.  

So I guess I need to start up with the kettlebells and build up bigger veins.  I also had the tremor activate like some horrid superpower so the phlebotomy gals were trying to hit a moving target.  Very embarrassing.  Tremor doesn't usually upset me unless I am getting blood drawn.  It was present yesterday during the printer install but not awful, I could still work on it and the computer.  

My aunt is feeling better she is going to do a POA for me.  I am fine for that letting her handle the business.  I really don't want to do it myself.  We will have to get it notarized though.  Maybe the same place that did the will...

So hopefully at the end of it I have a DNR, Medical power of attorney (so she can unplug me or make decisions for me), and regular power of attorney so we can handle Ron's estate.  She did talk to the mortgage company so that ought to be interesting.  They have a team that will help her.  

Once we get the mortgage paid off (one way or another) I will tell you who we used but not right now.  But the POA will help her a lot and I trust her.  

If anything she is more liable to make a deposit into my checking account.  😂  And yes she does read on occasion.  

The other cats are good they all got (dry, urinary formula) breakfast this morning.  #2 was embarrassed by my immaculate lawn (best on the block!) so they called their guy to come out.  I have noticed sort of a reverse broken windows syndrome with my yard, my yard will look very bad, o0ther people let their yards go, my guy comes out, yard is perfect, they fix up their yards too.  

I don't know if I will lose the house.  I would need a job to get a mortgage.  If the insurance doesn't pay for whatever reason I will have to figure something out.  

I remember reading a really cute historical romance set back in the early 1900's, a young woman lost her mother and, on the verge of losing the home, took in an assortment of eclectic boarders.  Then she met the new veterinarian and fell in love, it was very cute.  I read it several times.  

I will NOT be taking in boarders I have seen too many tv courtroom shows.  

My aunt and uncle are coming out to get the power of attorney done.  Between us I just have this really strong feeling I am going to die soon (NOT suicidal just a strong feeling) and she may need it.  DID NOT say anything to anyone.  Just you guys.  

Ron told me once, when he was dead God told him I would be with him "next time".  So who knows.  I am ready to go if it is my time life sure ain't fun without him.  But I need to be here for the cats if nothing else.  And I have people who love me and would be hurt which is why I am not going to do anything.  Not to mention God has a plan for me and I would screw it up.  So not doing anything just to be 1000% clear.  Just a ominous feeling.  

I do feel like I have done a lot in my life.  I am praying every day in addition to doing my God time, more involved intercessory "Please help the missionaries, please help the people who produce Gospel material, please be with world leaders, etc" prayer.  I do feel better when I do that.  

I do need to get more candy and bags.  And order more booklets.  As before, I am seeing a need for Spanish booklets.  I am a conservative in pretty much everything so you can guess how I feel about an open border.  BUT those not here legally have helped me so I respect that.  And I might as well share Jesus while they are in Houston because none of us knows how long we have.  And I can't stand by and let someone go to hell.  It is one thing to curse someone "Go to hell" it is another to actually let that happen - a horrible thing.  May I never do that!  So I need more Spanish material (I reached this conclusion some years back) and World Missionary Press, and Grace and Truth, will be more than happy to send me Spanish material.  So if I don't go anywhere today I will have some candy, etc. delivered tomorrow and get off my butt and order some Spanish tonight as well.  Probably need more English I only have about 20 left.  

On a good day I can hand out several items.  Back in my heyday I was ordering cases of 500 Scripture booklets at a time.  Which brings up a question, how did the devil think I would react to losing Ron?  Get bitter towards God?  Throw out my Bible?  Me I could have figured I would dig into my faith and reach out more, I tend to react to adversity like that.  I guess I won't know until judgement day what the devil's plan was.  

Speaking of devils I am really glad Ron's "friend" (the one who told me I couldn't grieve Ron in front of my next man, and wanted to know when I was going to start dating literally 3 weeks after Ron died) stopped calling.  He is a gossip and I don't have much tolerance for them.  

It is one thing to spill my guts here, although I do consider employers may be reading as well, it is another for someone to pump me for "How was Ron's mood before he died?" etc. so he can go blab blab blab.  Ugh!  So GLAD he is not calling.  

I am going to go sit outside for a while before they pick me up.  

A busy morning

 I got up, did my God time, took a shower, did some laundry.  It was cat related and let's just say glad I had some Lysol laundry sanitizer.  Pretty sure I know who did it.  

Then I got to work on the printer, which was NOT an easy install I could not figure out the toner cartridge in particular.  I kept looking at the pictures and asking God for help, finally realized I was putting it in SIDEWAYS so I got that fixed, it is printing now so I did it.  Well, God did it I just followed along.  

I took a little break and then decided to take a nap.  I had just laid down with Biscuit curled up in my arm when he ran to the front of the house, ran back growling, and jumped into the hole in the drywall.  The other cats went under the bed.  

The yard guy was here.  I took him out some cold drinks and he asked "How's Ron?"  Oh, boy.  So I had to tell him, "Ron's dead" and he jumped like I slapped him, said "What?!" and I said "Es muerto" his eyes got all big and he asked a few questions, when and how Ron had died.  I told him, his English is not great so I'm not sure how much he got but he got the gist: Ron isn't with us.  We never had curtains on Ron's room because he liked me to look out the back window and tell him what the cats were doing, birds, etc.  So the yard guy probably looked and saw it is virtually empty and stripped down to the concrete.  

They did their thing (I hope they come back, if he would come out for a disabled man he would for a widow, right?) and left.  I was glad I had already given them some Bibles some years back.  So they left and the cats came out eventually.  

My aunt has probably gotten the death certificates (the temporaries) but has run into a road block filing the probate she is trying to do it economically but "we" may need to hire someone from my understanding.  No problem with the will it is just the way they file it now (sounds horrific, to me).  Not only that she was violently ill all night and didn't sound great today.  Poor thing.  It's just been a rough day for her so I am trying not to bother her.  

Biscuit came out of his hole in the wall, he is really going to miss it when Carlos repairs it.  Spotty continues to be a rapist with his sister I need to figure out what I'm going to do about that.  I yell at him when I catch him mounting her (she only has sex with Biscuit) and he runs off, she beats him up every time, too.  But it doesn't seem fair to Cleo may need to rehome Spotty at the end of this.  But my parents are telling me not to make any big decisions the first year, if possible.  

I think I am going to go sit outside in the sun for a while and do some prayer time.  Did that, the yard guy moved my chair and I like where he put it.  I had thought of putting a rose bush in the spot but I like the chair, there, better.  I can always put a rose bush out back, I have a nice spot just inside the gate.  

I went ahead and (finally!) loaded my Uber card onto my account, and also added my new debit card.  Plan I am thinking tomorrow take a Uber out to the blood draw place (it's not very far but a long ride on the bus) and then take the bus home or maybe even downtown and get my new pass.  I will pay a lot less once I get the Q-card (that's what they call it) but I have to get my butt downtown to do it.  Definitely plan to do the blood draw, though.  

Depression was better after I had a B-vitamin this morning (I take a basic multi with RDA but this was many times the RDA).  So I think I will do that tomorrow even though the pills REEK.  

I was sitting outside but my new neighbor is in a caregiving situation with a mother or mother in law, it was apparent listening to them talk outside the home.  They spoke an Asian language I don't know which.  But it reminded me of Ron so I came back in the house.  I have to think all this will get easier with time but some times I just feel so wrung out.  I had more energy running 7-8 miles a night, training for the half marathon.  I think it was my aunt said I need to bring that up during interviews, that I did a half marathon.  

I also plan to make a big pitcher of iced tea and drink that, it's just figuring out which tea.  I am about evenly split between regular decaf black tea or some decaf jasmine I got some time back.  I think I will make the jasmine.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday afternoon

 I took a nap.  Cleo joined me, lots of petting and purring.  I fell asleep with her curled up on my leg.  Woke up a few hours later with her still there, joined by Biscuit!  More petting and purring.  Then I got up my headache had come back.  

When I was trying to sleep #6 was playing some sort of loud audio track of a woman giving a sermon in Spanish.  Not very neighborly.  I was not impressed with him, my aunt told his wife Ron had died and nothing.  My aunt said the wife understood what was said.  He could have at least come over for 10 seconds and said "I'm sorry about your husband".  

Oh, well, now the sermon which I really didn't need.  If you want to "save" me (already born again) then play a sermon in English.  Then he let the dog out to yap by my bedroom wall for a while, I was just laying there with Cleo, massively depressed, thinking: I just want a nap.  

When I got up #10 (renter) is playing some sort of loud hip hop while he works with his pickup truck.  I don't think he has ever bothered to look around the neighborhood, is anyone else doing that?  NO?  Then maybe you shouldn't, either.  I wouldn't have minded if he played it at a low volume but it was loud enough the whole block could hear it.  

But we have problems even with the "good" renters they don't get we want a quiet neighborhood.  That's why many high end subdivisions do not allow the owner to rent the house, if you own it, you have to live there.  That solves a lot of problems.  

Anyway, I got a solid nap in spite of it all and I did feel better when I woke up, even with the headache.  #10 is getting louder I may call in a noise complaint.  Ron always held the view if you let it go in the middle of the day pretty soon they would be having loud parties at night and thinking they were entitled to blast it "because no one said anything".  And forget about actually walking up to them and asking them to turn it down; then you get a massive attitude and they mark you, any trouble they have (brought on themselves) they are going to blame me for it.  And then I think he is cleaning out his truck, how long is that going to take?  Not very long I would imagine.  So I think I will let it go even though Ron would be apoplectic at the loud bass beats thundering through the house.  

I don't want to use up my goodwill with the police department.  Back in 2010 Ron used his up calling and yelling about the barkappotamous next door, every night, holding the phone out the window so they could hear the incessant, very loud, barking.  That is just how the dog learned to get attention; bark constantly until someone came out to give her attention, even if it was just to yell at her.  It worked for the dog.  We tried to tell the owner to go out and spend time with the dog when it was quiet, they sent their little toddler out for 5 minutes a day.  That wasn't adequate.  She needed to be run around (shepherd/dalmation mix) for a good long while fetching or doing tricks, lots of praise and petting, go out to visit with the dog several times a day during the day and then have the dog in the house at night.  I often told Ron she should be living with a homeschooling family on a couple acres, with several kids.    The dog is not going to do any good in the backyard if someone breaks a window in the front yard!  The backyard had a wooden fence all around it, it "makes the neighborhood look better" not to have front yard fences so I have to deal with people, dogs, all up in my lawn.  Anyway Ron burned up his goodwill they stopped sending officers out.  If we had a noise complaint I had to call it in.  

Eventually the tenant got sick of the incessant barking, too.  I figured he would, NO ONE was getting any sleep.  Ron was so aggravated he wanted to give the dog a Benadryl.  Anyway the tenant tied her up out front and called the shelter to come get her.  

A lot of ignorant people think a dog is "fun" but not thinking you have to invest time and energy into the dog or it will become an undisciplined barkappotamous.  The dog lives for one thing, attention.  She would rather bark 3 hours to get yelled at than spend a quiet night alone.  We understood that, that is why for a while the dog kept trying to move in with us, breaking holes in the fence and all.  Glad those days are over.  

The tenant in #2 is actually the landlady's daughter so she is quiet.  I don't care if they park in front of the house now and then that is fine for me.  

Eventually I need to figure out dinner.  I am not sure what I want right now.  

That's it for now.  

Early Sunday

 I have just been really depressed the last few days.  Last night I woke up a few hours after I went to bed, with a bad headache.  So I got up and took Excedrin and stayed up for a while, then went back to bed.  I slept better from that point and woke up at 7.  

Last year I would just wake up whenever, on days I wasn't working.  And it was almost always 7.  Then I had to give Ron his seizure and blood pressure pills at 5 AM so I woke up at that for a while even after he died.  Now I am back to 7.  I find that sad.  

I am just really sad.  It may have been a bad idea to put those "happy Ron" photos on the fridge I see them every time I go in the kitchen and they tug at my heart.  He is in the water off the coast of Galveston.  I took the photos before his accident so he is "only" blind in the photos.  He is grinning widely at the camera in one photo and saying "It's WARM!" with his hands in the air, up to God, in the second photo.  Which is probably exactly how he looks in Heaven.  

He was a huge part of me for most of my married life and now he's gone, I feel amputated.  Raw.  Cracked.  I will get through this it is just not going to be easy.  

I debated even writing this as an employer might read it but I need to get it out.  And all that (waves hand) isn't going to interfere with me being a good employee.  

My headache is better, I am going to take my antidepressant and do my God Time.  

Saturday afternoon

 I tend to roll along in pretty good shape and something throws me of track.  Today I was almost sobbing remembering Ron operating the meat slicer and his concern for me, how he never wanted me to use it due to the risk of harm.  

So I was taken aback when I read a couple of posts on Facebook "Don't let your family abuse you, if they do cut them out!"  And I couldn't help but remember how badly Ron's treated me after his death, promising they would bring photos again and again, SWEARING they were coming THIS time, and then flaking out yet one more time as I sat on my couch, then trying to ingratiate themselves into getting a death certificate.  

I mean, his nephew thought I was so stupid I would believe that Ron's sister, who detests me (it is mutual), is greedy, cheap, and lazy, was going to sign over the "whole" (between 1K and $1500 depending on what Brian told me) policy "because I deserved it".  That woman wouldn't give me a penny if Ron told her to.  She is certainly not going to help me out after Ron's death.  

For one the past history.  Then the fact the last time I saw her she was screaming invective in my face, saying I had "ruined everything" because I wouldn't allow Ron to be placed in a nursing home.  A woman like that is not going to give up easy money.  

And to her credit she was the babysitter while Ron's mother worked, growing up he was "her" baby and a lot of work at that.  She did invest a lot of care into him (caregiving, not love).  Ron cared deeply for her in spite of how she treated us.  And, when Ron's mother told him she had bought an insurance policy to bury him, Ron said that was "Fine" and "Helen should have the money" which I supported.  

I still do, it is her money she wants it that bad.  But jerking my heart around because she was trying to con a death certificate out of me was not the way to do it.  That costs her a death certificate from me.  It is her policy, but she will have to figure out how to get her own copy from the state.  Legally she can get one she just has to figure out how to do it on her own, which may require hiring someone to help.  

Had they either 1.  Not baited me with promises of "a lot of great photos of Ron"  or 2.  Produced them when they said they would, I would have been very supportive of them.  But I can't have my heart abused right now I am already crushed and bleeding.  

As it is they have completely put my back up and shut down ALL lines of communication.  They would have been furious if I played those games with the death certificate.  

So I had to process all that.  And what would Ron say?  He would say (censor) them they are not worth my time and energy, move on, cut them out, and live a good life.  So I'm doing that.  Not the (censor) them part!  

I was also thinking about the night Ron died.  I had a dream he came to me apologizing for leaving me, wanting to hug me, and I shoved him away again and again screaming YOU'RE DEAD.  I really feel bad about that.  I was very hurt and lashing out.  He has not come back to me, I hope he does just so I can say goodbye properly like I got to with my birth mother.  

In that dream she came to me and I could feel her love for me, she apologized for everything and I forgave her because I could feel her love.  I knew she had no ill intent when she did any of that.  It was good closure for me.  

Of course I have been through the wringer before, that seems to be how it goes.  2003 Ron got hurt and I lost my job working for him.  Then my mother and grandmother died in very short order.  I got through that with God's - well, God carrying me on His back pretty much, and I am getting through this.  Exactly the same way.  

I hope it makes me a better evangelist and Christian, with more empathy at the end of this.  I don't want to waste this pain.  If I have to go through this let it be for a good cause.  

I am taking care of myself, moderating caffeine intake, eating large green salads every day.  I am trying to figure out a schedule for job hunting.  Do I do some time every day or just 5 days a week?  I went out job hunting today do I take tomorrow off?  If I do does that mean I take housework off too?  I will need to figure this out.  

I have a lot on my plate.  

I couldn't believe it, either

 Horrible panic attack all night thinking 1.  I don't want to operate a meat slicer and 2.  How about crossing that feeder road (on foot?).  

Got up, did my God Time, went anyway, had an even more massive panic attack standing at the intersection, walked away, called the manager (she was not really excited about me anyway), went to the return trip bus stop.  

I had an uneventful ride but, waiting at my transfer stop, I saw a guy staggering up the street.  Like anyone, I assumed he was drunk, until he got pretty close and I could see he was grimacing and holding his chest as he left arm flopped at his side.  He was having a heart attack!  

He was about my age and a normal weight.  About that time an ambulance came cruising down the street.  I flagged them down and pointed at him.  They got him in the ambulance.  

IT WAS THE SAME CREW CAME FOR RON.  I couldn't believe it.  Once they got him settled my bus came and I went home.  But what are the odds?  

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I found an overnight stocker job very near my house.  I went ahead and applied and did the web cam interview, they played videos at me and had me react.  I made sure to emphasize my husband is gone, I have no personal life, It's just me and the cats.  I told them I like to do Bible study and pray, read in my off time, watch police procedurals.  

So hopefully that will work out better than today it should be a very easy commute, worst case I can walk (it's that close!).  

So much death!  I really hope Ron didn't go out like that, the poor man was terrified.  

What a day.  

A busy Friday already

 I got up around 7 and got dressed, checked my email.  I had one from a grocery store manager to call him for an interview.  I figured I had better be at the top of my game so I did my God Time first.  

I called him; he was very interested in me but wanted me for the deli.  I will take that; I can't be picky and I do have experience.  He was very nice and professional.  He didn't seem phased I ride the bus and said he would work with the availability.  The job description sounds like I will be busy but not overwhelmed which is good as I want to stay busy.  Sitting around the house is bad for me.  

He asked me for a food service resume which I did up and emailed to him.  We will see if he likes it.  I was completely honest.  

It is funny I believe the employees wear hats on duty.  I have been a little concerned about some thinning hair around my part, to the extent I got some generic Rogaine for women.  I got the foam but next time I will get the spray.  I apply it every day.  I figure at the least it will keep me from losing any more hair.  And my hair has been like this since at least 2009 it just never bothered me until Ron died.  But that won't be a problem if I'm wearing a hat!  

Hair loss can be really common with a big loss like I've had and I am vain enough to want to keep what I have.  So I will keep doing this.  

My day so far: 

Nearby grocery store manager sends me an email to call him for an interview.  I did God time first and did that.  

He asks me to send him a food service resume which I did.  I had to make it on the fly but I got that.  

I am contacted to submit for a background check.  I do that.  

Department manager contacts me and does phone interview.  Wants me to come in tomorrow at 8 to be shown around and check me out in person (understandable we had some real "treats" show up for interviews when we had the deli).  

So I figured out when I need to leave the house and have that locked in my brain.  But it seems promising.  We will see; if nothing else it gets me out of the house.  I don't have a bus pass that works so I will have to pay cash.  

But, as my aunt and uncle can attest, I tend to accumulate a lot of change.  I have one dollar bills and quarters (standard fare is $1.25) so I have enough to get there and back.  The department manager seemed pleased I could do it tomorrow.  I'm not kidding when I say I have NO home life.  The cats can work with my schedule whatever that is.  I'm not dating for at least 5 years; I don't want to go through this loss for a very long time if ever.  

Bad enough I have to look forward to losing Dad, adoptive Mom, aunt and uncle.  And the cats, most of them are over 7 years old which is pretty old for a cat.  So I will lose them, too.  

I will tell you more about the job if I get it, for now I don't want to get my hopes up.  I only want the right job for me but it looks like things are proceeding.  At the very worst I am getting some practice interviewing.  

I am going to take a break and do some prayer time.  

For others, myself only a little as I know He's got my back.  

 I am wrung out today.  Going to bed early.   

Thursday

 I have avoided doing my printer install because the last one was just horrible.  I also woke up with a very nasty headache.  

I took care of the cats, took my medication, etc.  Spent a lot of time on the computer.  I made a grocery order and just got it.  

It took me hours to beat the headache I finally did with the 1 PM dose of Excedrin.  I think it's just stress, and weather changes.  I have a lot going on and I try to remind myself of that when I get impatient with myself.  

Then I had to get my delivery.  I got that and took the printer out of the box.  Now, it has been years since I had a printer.  I couldn't help but notice I was missing the cable that goes from the printer to the computer.  I looked in Ron's closet.  Plenty of A/V adapter things and about half a dozen computer cords but no cable.  I remembered putting it in a bag of computer cables and putting it - somewhere.  I looked in the garage (after praying) and found it pretty fast.  I am taking a break for now.  

About my delivery, they were short 1 six pack of Diet Dew.  They also didn't have the greens mix I requested, one of those "fresh salad" blends of greens you add your own stuff.  So they subbed me Spring Mix which I had been considering anyway.  I was fine with that, and it saved me a dollar.  Then they didn't have the 6 pack of corn dogs (the store restocks on Monday night so I wasn't surprised).  They said they were sending me name brand corn dogs instead of the generic.  They neglected to mention it was a 16 pack so I am set for a while now!  I like corn dogs they are fast and have protein.  I was very happy with all that although they said they would "fix" it if I clicked on a link.  I was happy with their fix.  

So she came and brought it all including a 38 pound thing of cat litter.  Walmart is always more than fair on my substitutions.  I gave her a cash tip and a bag of candy with a scripture booklet.  

I also called the water company (earlier) and paid my bill, then called Gospel For Asia and fixed that.  The debit didn't go through because I had turned off the card, so I gave them the new card number and told them to add $20 a month for Jesus wells as Ron always felt very strongly about people having potable water.  I think it is a nice tribute.  So that is all set now.  

The man was very nice and sympathetic when I told him Ron had passed, but would want me to do this.  And $20 I can manage.  Eventually when employment is settled I would like to sponsor a child but that can wait a little bit.  I would hate to sponsor a child and then have to stop.  

I have no idea what I am doing for dinner.  Likely a turkey sandwich.  I have plenty of turkey meat in the fridge.  I am  focusing on good tasting things I like to eat, that are also nutritious.  I would not want Ron to eat badly after I died.  

It is still hard to believe he is dead.  But I am glad I turned off comments because I doubt all the comments would be sympathetic.  I did get the latest card, by the way.  👍

The cats are good, they have been beggars.  I also cleaned a lot of Ron's stuff out of the fridge.  I need to wash the shelves but it's all "my" food now.  I found it funny I had 2 jars of pickles.  I hardly ever eat pickles.  Two mayos I could understand, though.  Dad taught me to be a mayo lover.  But I got rid of Ron's juices (kept the V8 it is still good) and half drunk bottles of soda.  I did keep the bottle of hot sauce even though we rarely used it.  

I remember one time I got a quart of hot sauce at the dollar store and took it into work, put it by the microwaves.  It was gone in a few days they loved their hot sauce!  Ron didn't want to make trips to resupply though, and no one knew it was me, so I stopped.  

I found hot sauce helpful (on food) when I had sinus troubles.  I haven't had serious sinus trouble since moving out of the mold infested apartment in CA.  The apartment above us, the bathroom overflow was not connected to the drain pipes, so whenever the very large lady above us took a bath (daily) the water would slosh out onto our ceiling.  We had a carpet of various molds all over the ceiling, it was terrible.  Both Ron and I had a lot of sinus troubles, but no way we could have found ANYTHING we could afford (San Francisco Bay Area during the dot.com boom) anywhere else.  So we stayed, we did complain regularly but the landlord basically told us to [censored] off and then raise the rent another $100 a month while he had Ron on the line.  

Anyway we both got way better after we moved here to DECENT housing.  I do wonder if that mold exposure might have played a part in Ron's death, even though it was a good 21 years ago.  I guess I will find out.  

But I will keep the hot sauce that may be something I want now and then, and it's not taking much room in the fridge.  Even with all my vegetables there is still plenty of room in "my" fridge now.  There are some things that will take getting used to but I think I will like them, long term.  

That's pretty much it for now.  I will edit and update if I decide to do the printer tonight.  Plan for dinner is a turkey sandwich with steamed kale and a v-8.  I am serious about getting more vegetables in my diet.  

Wednesday

 Nights and mornings are hard.  Nights I have odd dreams and wake up repeatedly.  Mornings it is just very depressing to wake up alone, again.  

The cats help, I would hate to see my morning without the cats.  But it's hard.  

I got up around 7, rolled out of bed, fed the cats and had a protein bar with my medication.  I took a shower but did not get dressed as I am wearing black pants and all my white cats like to love on me, rub against my legs, get in my lap, etc.  I paired it with a buttondown shirt.  I will try to get a picture "made" if I can.  

My aunt offered to give me a ride and is bringing her husband.   This should be interesting.  They will stay in the car of course.  

I had an interview offer from one company but they are way out in Southwest Houston so I opted out.  Also I got a call from someone claiming to be from a big company I will have to investigate that.  But they are very doable on the bus line actually.  I was impressed.  They did have an "apply for a job" online link if I want.  I will not be picky.  

I will say I would rather "do" a big corporation vs a Mom and Pop business as the corporation will offer better financial security.  What if we had other employees?  I would have had to fire them with no notice and let me tell you it is no treat.  

I didn't take out the trash as I had very little in the can.  I am finally to the end of the Ron purging.  I just don't want to see anything that reminds me of him.  I have heard about this but figured I would be the "sentimental hoarder" type who would keep every last sock.  

I checked and double checked the hours I can work easily so that is all done.  I am as ready as possible.  We will see how it goes hopefully it will be a good experience, even if I don't get a job.  I really don't want to use my savings if at all possible.  One reason I am being very stingy with what I am buying.  

So, back from the interview.  

My aunt and uncle picked me up early.  The HR lady was pretty busy (not with interviews as far as I could tell) and got to me late.  But she was impressed with the resume I had printed on heavy paper.  She spent some time reading it and basically asked me what I did for Ron.  I explained in a few sentences.  She asked me some questions, how had I approached a big challenge, things like that.  She kept using the word "Awesome".  

I told her I would love to work in the garden department and she said she thought they would have a job as a plant waterer, in the afternoons.  I said that sounded fine.  She said she had some more interviews but would get back to me.  

She did say she would call if I got the job so I will be watching.  

My aunt and uncle thought I looked "very nice" for the interview so I am glad I wore what I did, an oxford shirt and black slacks.  I tore up my feet on some new shoes yesterday that seemed fine, but left blisters.  I was OK walking but it wasn't fun in my "good" shoes.  

That was the first interview I had without Ron in my life.  I would always go home and tell him about the interview.  I am sure he was watching but it made me sad.  

My aunt and uncle brought a printer for me, and my webcam arrived.  I set up the webcam.  I called the bus company I will have to go downtown to fix my bus pass... agh.  But it is not far from my local bus line.  I can do that, I will just have to pay $1.25 to get there.  I will do that Friday and set up the printer tomorrow.  

I just never needed one.  I have had them off and on as needed but just haven't needed them.  Now I do.  

Happily I have plenty of resumes I just may need to print up something for an interview.  

Busy day

 I put a Bible in my bed, slept better (no nightmares but I did wake up at 3).  It can stay.  

Got up, got ready.  Dad was right on time and we went looking for a Starbucks.  Couldn't find one so we went to DPS (Driver's license bureau).  I had my printout with a barcode on it.  I was screened and then walked in, they sent me to a kiosk to scan my barcode.  That took a little effort but I finally got the thing going.  It gave me a ticket.  I found Dad and we waited.  

I had every official document you can name, in my backpack.  When we got to the window they wanted my current ID, social security card, birth certificate and they also took the marriage license.  Happily they don't take that when you lose your spouse.  

There was nothing on the forms to indicate I was a widow they didn't care.  That's all they wanted.  It took about 5 minutes.  He was very nice, his supervisor more brusque but not mean.  They couldn't accept any candy even though I could tell he wanted it.  Cameras everywhere.  He said they are really unhappy with the vending company so I later called Connie at work and told her Brad, her son, may be interested in that as a location.  She sounded interested, she also told me "my" machines are having terrible sales which is what I've been saying for months.  

I paid my $16 (price has gone up!) and left with my temporary ID card.  We found Dad a Starbucks.  

A note about Dad, he has a very unfortunate, deep, cough from allergies (this is after many doctor visits).  It is just awful sounding but he is really OK.  But he doesn't sound it.  Ron used to complain about me with "the hack" now and then with allergies and especially when I was getting over a virus, he would have had another stroke if he heard my Dad.  Dad has had a pretty rough visit for the cough but he is happy to see me and help out which is very sweet.  

So we got him some coffee, I had a soy chai it was good.  It was in a very nice hotel near Greenspoint.  Greenspoint mall is such a dump these days it is surprising they have such a nice hotel there.  I thought more than once it would be a great place for a blind vendors convention.  But I don't have to worry about those anymore.  

Good thing, the last couple conventions were hell for us even though my aunt and uncle drove us.  It was very difficult to move Ron from one place to another and tend to his needs while carrying minimal luggage.  But that is all done now.  I won't miss that.  

Although it was fun taking the train a few years ago, Ron really enjoyed that and wanted to do it again.  

So Dad and I talked a little and he said, I know I said I would take you to the Taste of Texas restaurant today but I was wondering if you would mind if we brought my sister?  I said of course not she deserves a steak anyway.  So I called her and she said of course she would love to go, and we did.  

I changed into something nicer (skirt and sweater set), Dad put on some nice slacks, and off we went.  We had a very nice waitress.  I did not know the waitress cornered my aunt outside the bathroom and my aunt told her I had just been widowed.  The waitress did seem unusually nice, though.  I gave her some candy with a tract and scripture booklet and she was quite excited.  I am glad she can take them in context that I am handing these out of a place of pain, but confidence that Ron is in heaven.  We had a nice meal and I had dessert which was very good as well.  I had a 16 ounce sirloin and ate every bit.  

He told me an anecdote about his wife, referring to her as "your mother" which confused me for a minute, but I got it.  She did raise me.  

As I said, it was a good meal.  They took me home and I ordered a webcam on Amazon as it seems a lot of companies want to do an online interview.  Saves me all that travel but first I have to get the thing going.  It comes tomorrow.  

I think Dad and my aunt are on a hunt for a printer for me.  They are very hard to find as everyone working at home seems to want a cheap printer.  Even walmart.com had nothing.  

Depressed right now but it comes and goes, it is worse when I sit idle.  I will get through it.  

I had a little bit of jewelry that was not stolen, I found a ring I bought years ago, it is a tiny garnet with a tiny sapphire on each side.  It is very dainty and cute, I like it.  It is a ring but not a wedding ring which I think is a good transition.  

I am going to watch TV or something and then go to bed early.  

My mood got better once I started rolling

 I turned on my new debit card today first thing, then paid some bills.  I also checked my mail.  My aunt drove my Dad and me to Galveston.  We found the state park and had no problem getting in.  Part of the park near the road was burned but we went further back to a nice marshy area.  Sand, water, and grasses, very nice.  There were some holes in the sand my aunt said were crawdads, which was a lot better than my fear of some sort of malignant hornet.  

I found a very nice area and got the trowel, dug a hole.  Dad said a nice prayer and read from Revelation 21:4 and 5.  I poured the ashes in the hole and then covered it up.  It was lovely.  

But Dad got "ate up" by mosquitoes.  We went by Walmart and I got some remedies.  They helped.  Dad said he was glad I had invited him and said "I was glad I came" type things so I didn't feel bad about him getting eaten.  

We had a nice lunch.  I was sort of depressed by then which I am told comes in waves, to expect it and ride through it.  So I did.  We came home, it took a while, there was a lot of traffic both ways.  

We got home, I hugged everyone.  I input my new debit card on the Walmart website but did not for Amazon or Youtube.  Those can wait.  

Tomorrow I go to DPS and get my "real ID" card.  I don't know why they didn't do one last time, I guess I looked like someone who would not be traveling.  The cats were happy to see me, Baby Girl reminded me she had not had treats in hours so I set her and Torbie up.  

I plan to go to bed pretty early tonight.  

That's it for now.