Monday, February 25, 2019

Happier by myself

Today started out OK, except for the headache.  It was pretty severe and I had to work.  I took some Excedrin.  I am very careful with it now but I felt I "had" to for work. 

I got ready, got Ron ready, off to work.  Work was pretty uneventful.  The other vendor is training a new employee.  I hope she works out, she seems nice enough. 

Work was pretty uneventful.  About the only thing of note, we had so many sandwiches left I had to put the new ones in the fridge.  We finished up and came home. 

So far, OK.  Ron was in a decent mood as far as I could remember so it was alright.  We got home, I ate and took a nap. 

I had a pretty good nap but the headache came back with a vengeance.  I did not take anything.  I checked my blood sugar - 150.  That's not good, considering I hadn't eaten in hours.  Well, crap.  I drank one of Ron's Diet 7up and had a diet lemonade.  Aspartame seems to lower my blood sugar so I tried that. 

It worked on the headache, at least.  It improved, but didn't "go". 

Ron woke up in a vile mood.  He didn't want to leave. 

Now, today, at work, I had asked him what we had going for the day.  He said he had made a trip to the Waffle House, I said OK.  Important note: I did not ASK for the trip. 

He was upset because Baby Girl got into bed with him and he had to leave her.  Then the ride was significantly late.  None of this is my fault. 

He said he wanted to go outside.  It was cold.  He complained some more about that.  It went to comments about "your stomach", threats not to pay me on Friday, just poking at every sore spot he thought he knew (missed the mark on most of them), trying to get a reaction.  I reminded him you made the trip: I did not ask for this.  He went back to how "difficult" I was "demanding to be fed" etc. 

I had a hot dog in the fridge.  I would have been happy to eat that with a protein shake.  I STILL had a horrible headache (I didn't tell him because he would have tried to use it against me - and isn't that sad?)  He kept working himself into higher and higher frenzy. 

The driver came.  It is the guy who is always late.  Here he was, half an hour late.  He had another client in the backseat, someone so limited they appeared not to have a soul.  Just an obese, vacant, drooling, shell slumped over in the seat.  The driver tried to explain he had been pulled off our trip to go get this guy, which was way out of the way, and then the trip to get us was put back. 

Ron didn't care, he yelled at the guy.  The driver was a lot nicer than I would have been, about it, but he did keep tapping his finger on the steering wheel.  We got to the Waffle House. 

Ron went in and made a big production of sulking.  They fussed over him a little which is what he wanted, then consented to a grilled cheese and a diet soda.  Pretty much what I got. 

He ate it and ordered another one.  Remember this is the guy who "had food at home" and was "only there to serve [my] stomach".  I had a good time anyway, the headache was finally gone. 

I ate my waffle and a grilled cheese with bacon.  It was good.  I had a couple of diet cokes.  Ron even asked about the jukebox. 

It rained pretty hard as we ate, a cold front came through.  It was dramatically colder when we left.  The driver to come home was a very nice Asian man.  He is one of the only Asian drivers in the fleet so easy to remember.  He is a very nice guy, not too talkative. 

We had a straight ride home - and really, we are only a couple of miles, so we should.  I brought Ron in, took out the garbage, Ron reunited with Baby Girl, and I fed the cats.  I took out the garbage and, after I post this, will check the mail and figure out my food deliveries for the week. 

Ron doesn't believe, when he acts like this he leaves scars, which lead to calluses.  Which lead to a tough heart and not caring as much for him.  He won't see that.  I can't tell him - he wouldn't receive it. 

But it is very sad I am often happier by myself. 

2 comments:

Spankadoo said...

All I can say is I know I am happier, healthier and my mind is free of abuse . Being alone is NOT lonely. I wish you your own life but know you can only do what you can do . Doesn’t stop me from trying though LOL! why not get out and away routinely from Ron for a few hours a day a few days a month it is not unheard of to take advantage of something like Catholic Community services to help you with your house as well? I know you are private but you are also working several legit jobs as Rons “everything” and it can only get to be harder and harder and YOU only getting paid for one ! would he tolerate you going out routinely to do something you love? Maybe Find a passion project ? Like at a vet clinic or cat rescue omg you have such a love of our feline friends OOOXXX
Find something of your own ! YOu are so smart and creative but you are also fatigued ! Why not build a life outside of Ron while you live with him? it is ok to do that you know and will not take much time away just 3-4 days a month of bucket filling?
I only speak what I know and you know that much love Heather!

Heather Knits said...

Ron doesn't have a problem with me leaving. The only problem is, one time I came home and he was on the floor and had hurt himself. He tends to use "Heather's gone" as an excuse to get totally wasted and, on that occasion, fall out of his wheelchair. So I am a little leery about leaving, always wondering what I will come home to.

But, other than that, I generally like getting out.