I may end up having to delete some comments off of this but I think it's important.
I was having a hard time today, part of it I have just been taking my antidepressant out of the pill bottle every morning and some mornings I can't remember if I have, already. So I don't because an overdose can cause a fatal seizure. I saw enough seizures with Ron and I can't afford to develop them myself.
So I was already having a hard time, but I eventually got myself into some sweats and went outside to sit on the porch. It did cheer me tremendously to see my mint plant is coming back, it has really struggled. This summer it appeared to completely die but I have little shoots coming up all over (I want that). Mint can be a terrible weed in some gardens but I like it and would appreciate the smell of mint by my front door.
So I decided to do a little light weeding on the front garden bed and did that, it took about 10 minutes because I use mulch. I need to get more, though.
I checked the mail (nothing) so I stayed out until the sun dropped and came back in - maybe half an hour. But while I was sitting out there I realized I struggle with feelings of worthlessness. Some of it is my illness and some of it is just the facts of my life.
What kind of mother maims her baby before it's born? Who does that to a helpless fetus? Mine did. To add insult to injury she then neglected me severely (it took me years to catch up on my growth) and then ran off when I was diagnosed disabled.
A mother's supposed to love her kid. Yeah, Dads run off all the time but never a mother. I remember how shocked people were when I said my mother had "gone away".
That does a number on you and I wonder if I can ever really get over that. It sure doesn't help me overall.
I was unofficially adopted but it's always been clear she puts her kids first. She did try and she gave me some very good advice about never drinking.
That's it for now.
6 comments:
Why aren't you putting your antidepressant into a weekly pill organizer in advance? I thought you always did up your pill organizers for the week.
Mint plants are extremely resilient. I dug one up and moved it, and the next spring a mint plant emerged from the vacant spot where the original plant had been.
I can understand some of your feelings about your mother. My mother was very neglectful and abusive toward me and my brother, but very nice to everyone else. No one would have believed me, and I knew it. I feared her for my entire childhood. My own husband makes excuses for her (she is now deceased) as though there must be some rational explanation for her terrible behavior. I struggle with feelings of worthlessness too. It has improved a lot with the development of hobbies (gardening, sewing, reading and cooking/baking) and with daily exercise. My accomplishments weren't celebrated when I was young, but I try to celebrate them now. I also forgave her. It took decades, and she died years before, but I have forgiven her completely.
I didn't put the antidepressants in the organizer because I am an idiot! LOL
I have forgiven my mother, she was basically doomed from the start and losing the child before me really put her off the cliff. She never should have had another child after that.
It is pretty sad, back in the 70's, CPS took me away from her it was that bad. And they never took the child from the mother.
I have a pretty good circle around me, people who care.
Ron used to often talk about how "cool" it was that both he and my mother drank cheap vodka. And then I would say, they found it next to her body be careful. What did they find next to Ron's body? A bottle of cheap vodka with the cap unscrewed.
My parents were great putting up appearances but the family was very dysfunctional.
They played favorites, although they didn't beat me, I never felt loved.
Well in my case I always knew Dad would take a bullet for me but he never (until recently) said he was proud of me. He would say he loved me, but with an unspoken trailer. Until recently when he underwent chaplain training to become a counselor.
My birth mother would say she loved me and sob over me as I left the few visits we had and I always felt like I had to apologize to her. I also had friends of hers saying I "had" to say I loved her and hug her a lot because she was fragile and might "break" if I got angry with her. That f8cks a kid up. It was a long time before I could express anger at her, long after her death. It is to my shame I say I couldn't even pray for her salvation when she was alive. She got saved anyway thank God I would hate to have that on my heart.
My stepmother loves me in her way but her kids are and will always be #1, and her grandkids as well. I am somewhere down the list. But I am on it which is more than a lot of stepkids get.
My aunt has referred to me as a "beloved extended family" and of course her own husband, kids, grand kids come first. Sometimes she works me in for a visit and I always value the time she does spend talking to me on the phone or coming to Houston.
So I do have people who love me, they are pretty good at saying it as well. Some days I just get hung up on my mother like HOW could she?
How could mankind hang Jesus on the cross. We're all fallen.
Yes we are. I'm sure glad He did it, though.
And my mother did get saved 2 weeks before her death (she died of a sudden heart attack like Ron).
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