I fear Easter will always be really hard for me

 I used to love Easter, the family, the candy, the trip to church in my special dress and shoes, the family photo, the family meal (ham).  

Ron didn't like Easter because he was estranged from his family.  He was the cuckoo, they were all ignorant and superstitious, he was very intelligent (at least until the Alzheimer's).  He chose a white woman for his bride and they could never forgive him for that.  

He used to say the Creoles thought they were better than every other race, more so than the white racists he had met.  I don't know about that but they did hate me, more so when I refused the "easy option" of putting him in a facility after the accident.  

So, he hated holidays.  

A few weeks after he died I found myself at my aunt's church.  I was raised Presbyterian, I have never asked but I believe the family faith = Presbyterian goes back at least 100 years.  It is important to all of us.  So I was happy to be taken to one for an Easter service.  

Until they started singing a very traditional Presbyterian Easter hymn "Christ the Lord is Risen Today".  I started weeping.  Like I did today.  Apparently nothing makes me cry these days like a Presbyterian Easter service.  

I should have brought a hanky.  I was not loud but I kept wiping my eyes and my nose got snotty so I was sniffling thinking I can't wipe it on my hand because we're about to do the "greet your neighbor" thing and shake hands.  

And they preached on Revelation 21:4, Ron's favorite verse so that was hard too.  It was just emotionally taxing.  

Other than that it was a fine day except for being alone and depressed.  And isn't that an awful thing for an evangelist to say on Easter "I was depressed on the day my Lord rose from the grave, conquered sin, and ensured me forever in Heaven with my loved ones"?  

That said I did hand out about 10 bags of candy coming and going.  I took myself to the taco truck after church and got a delicious, greasy, quesadilla.  I changed into my grubby clothes when I got home, got a towel, and dug in.  It was delicious, I took my pills with it too, laid down and took a nap.  

Spotty has been sleeping with me at night, by my head.  It is adorable.  I wake up a lot on my own, roll over, pet him, he purrs at me, I go back to sleep.  

For naps I usually have Biscuit and Cleo.  Biscuit also sleeps with me at night, Cleo varies.  I'm just happy to get any attention from my guys.  

So today was just really hard.  That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

My aunt and I found a cute, floral print, flowy, modest dress at the thrift shop so we got it, months ago.  I tried it on today and it fits great, a little loose but that's fine.  I'm wearing it to church.  

I have some shoes that are a little dressier than a sneaker I guess I will put up a photo later, but they are comfortable for walking long distances so I'm wearing them today.  

I also brought some candy with "The Amazing Life of Jesus Christ" I think that is appropriate for Easter.  I don't have any chocolate or "traditional" Easter candy in there just the usual pinata mix.  

I am moderately depressed but determined to get to church today.  I am not one for "High Holy Days" but if there is one today is it.  

The cats are good, Biscuit is enjoying his "new" scratcher.  It is very cute to watch him go to town on it.  It's short enough he can lie down and work it.   

I need to do some cleaning and meal prep today for the week.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday

 I was depressed today but I managed to get my shower (quite the accomplishment for a day off when I'm off), God Time, off to the grocery store.  The second bus driver didn't want any candy one of those healthy eating types (nothing wrong with that).  That bus drops me off across from the grocery store, I cross the street, shop, and usually get the same driver on the way back.  

So when shopping I only got 2 gallons of milk, some candy.  They had the candy in stock I was impressed.  I also got a healthy snack for the driver and a 1 ounce bag of chips for myself.  

I had the chips at the bus stop.  The bus came, it was a different driver but he still took the healthy snack (a banana, peanuts, and a bottle of water).  

So I came home, it wasn't too bad.  

I was worried today it would be all work and no fun; but it was, pretty much.  

I was happy I cleaned up next to the bed it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  I also tried on some jeans and did fold up the ones I "fit" and put them next to the bed.  It looks much more organized now.  

That's it for now.  

I made it, period

 I got to my weekend.  

The store was crazy this week, far crazier than other Easters in the past.  I'm not sure why, I don't think people actually have more money but I was hopping all night long.  

The good news I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself, either.  And the night went fast.  

I ate pretty much low carb all day too, I'm happy about that.  

When I got hired we had to watch a video about religious inclusion.  They had a specific instance of if a muslim employee wants to pray in the break room that is their right.  On my lunch last night 3 did that.  I didn't have an issue with that what I did object to was playing the "call to prayer" on speaker phone before they did that.  When I listen to my religious music I put it on headphones.  

So they (3 of them) did that and went back to their meal.  Then Jose in the corner starts playing "Jesus Paid it All" (an old hymn) on his speakerphone played the whole song all 4 stanzas, then turned it off.  I guess that's religious balance.  That's his right.  

And the nice thing to me about the song he picked it's got the whole Gospel.  "Jesus paid it all/ all to Him I owe, Sin had left a crimson stain/ He washed it white as snow"  I wanted to clap.  

In the meantime I was doing up Bibles for Ace's family, Bilingual New Testament with Psalms, tract (I thought "Overwhelmed" was appropriate), and a card where I had written "I'm praying for you daily!" in English and Spanish and also written "Psalm 27" in English, then stuck the card AT Psalm 27 in the Bible.  That took a while even though I only had 4.  

I decided not to do a Handout today but I will do prep work for next week.  My goal is to have a ready to go cart for next week by Thursday, so all I have to do Saturday morning is take it to the bus stop.  

I have a lot of stuff I have to do but I want to make today fun, too.  I need to figure out how to do that.  

Tomorrow I go to church.  

I also have to pick my chicken carcass and get the meat off, then make stock.  

Made it to work

 They were still having the visit from corporate.  That was sad to watch.

I am still pretty depressed but I'll make it.

That's it for now.  

I had a dream last night

 In it, Ron was in the hospital with critical heart problems.  The doctor was working very hard to save him but I could see Ron was so, so, tired of fighting.  I told Ron "It's OK to go" and he said "I'm just going to rest for a minute" and I saw a light come get him.  

Then I woke up.  

I thought I was over all this, that I had let Ron go the day he died.  I don't think about him much.  But maybe I needed to process it like this.  I don't know.  

I do know I have a weekend holiday shift coming up with a very stressed out boss.  One of her teammates, another one of my bosses' husband had a stroke "On his left side" (they always say it that way) so she is out right now before a big holiday weekend.  We had a corporate visit this morning I don't know how that went.  

I haven't said anything to the one caregiver boss about Ron and how he had a stroke.  God just hasn't led me to do that, and the fact Ron died at the end of it all is not exactly a happy ending.  

So I am pretty much dreading work but I will ask God to make it a good day anyway.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

  I mostly slept OK last night but I had eaten some sugar free cookies after work and the sugar alcohols had me very bloated and gassy all night.  Happily I remembered my chewable gas pills so I got into those and went back to sleep.  When I woke up all the bloat was gone but I must have been farting all night!   Poor Biscuit!  

It is nice to start at 2 as I get to sleep in until 7 in the morning instead of getting up at 2 or 3.  I need to take a shower, do my God Time, get dressed, fix my breakfast and lunch.  Work is only 6 hours so that's good but I will likely have the boss the whole time.  

She was stressed last night as we were getting "a visit" from corporate this morning and that always gets her agitated.  They can fire her at the drop of the hat so she takes that very seriously.  

For once with my budget I am logging everything as I spend it, not one of those apps but a basic notepad app (Google Docs).  I need to take my index cards to work and write up the "Praying for you" cards for the Bible Handout tomorrow.  

Ace takes great pride in being a good driver so I know he'll be there tonight.  That was really cute seeing him with Biscuit, Biscuit cheered him right up.  Cats do that.  

They are also a little bit evil and will love on people who are afraid of them.  I have had that happen a few times.  

I need to figure out my lunch, I plan to take the last of my rotisserie chicken to work today and then cook up the bones tonight for some stock.  I can make some good veggie soup - I don't mind a few fresh veggie carbs it's the french fries, hamburger buns, breading, and macaroni and cheese I need to cut.  

All in all I feel like it will be a pretty good day.  

Ace could use prayer

 I can't say what for but I can say I was able to give some valuable perspective on two fronts.  He can still drive me around.  

And how sad that, even though it was the Crazy Train at work - beyond even around Christmas, it was OK until the one boss showed up.  She was barking at me, picking, following me around, etc.  I was so happy to clock out.  She seems very upset that I leave on time - well, most days I have a bus to catch!  

I did some shopping after work, got salad mix, some cheese, pork rinds, hard boiled eggs, etc.  Ace was late but it was OK because he was fine (and so was his car).  He said I am "the most patient" of his clients and I was very flattered because I have been working on that.  

Waiting around for Ron to wake up from his coma taught me a lot about that.  

I was feeling vulnerable and wanted "a treat" but settled for a couple cans of Special Kitty Mixed Grill cat food - not for me (ha ha) but for Mr Kitty Cat.  And Ace was thrilled Biscuit was waiting on the porch meowing at him when he brought me home.  Normally Biscuit runs or isn't seen at all because Ace is the man who takes him to the vet!  

Last night one of my cats was teasing a neighbor's small dog and yap yap yap all night long, got pretty old.  One of my customers told me terriers in particular hate cats, I didn't know that - it did sound like some sort of terrier.  

At any rate Biscuit was happy to get a can of the very smelly food.  I think it is all of the leftovers at the meat processing plant, but it doesn't have any fish so I am fine feeding that.  

I will do a blog one time on my experience with 3 male cats, eating fish protein based foods, and how they all got FLUTD.  How Biscuit is the only one who recovered because I switched him to a chicken based cat food.  

That's it for now.  

I had my green tea pill this morning

 It made my stomach a little iffy so I brought my shake to work.  I didn't eat anything until about 8 this morning so that was a good fast of about 13-14 hours.

I have a pretty good lunch packed, roast chicken, some cheese, and a bag of nuts.  I can eat some nuts but not peanuts or almonds.  I wore my compression socks today too.  

I have a nice Team Lead right now not sure how the rest of the day shapes up.  

I got to work OK but there was an absolute fruitcake on my second bus.  I had my eye on her the entire time.

That's it for now.  

I found a nice roast chicken for my lunch

 It was very nicely browned.  I like my rotisserie chicken a little well done and it was perfect.  I had a leg quarter for lunch with some skin we will see how that holds up.

I noticed I have more energy and a lot less stiffness today.  I find that encouraging.  Dad would have freaked out if he saw how I was moving.

After I ate I put the chicken in my lunch bag and left it unzipped, then put it in the freezer for a while.  Then I closed it up and put it with my evangelism bag in the cupboard.  I have ice packs in there.  I am very careful about food safety I also don't want food odors on the bus.  

That's it for now.

Made it to break!

 That boss doesn't come in until 2 so I should only deal with her an hour or so.

I am being left alone to do my job.  That's how I like it.

That's it for now 

I made it to work OK

 Someone must have been handing out bedsheets to the homeless at the transit center last night as they were all curled up everywhere covered in white sheets, like they were dead.  Very disconcerting.  The sheets were pristine so it must have happened recently.  Strange.

I got my rides just fine.  One driver I don't take, but give candy to, said someone had called in a complaint and said she cursed them out.  She was very upset and I said the video would exonerate her.  The bus company records everything on the buses audio and video, and can pull that record.  So here's to hoping she is exonerated.  She said she simply told the guy he had to pay to ride because he always rode without paying.

I got paid.  I do know my boss will work today but I don't know when, yet.  It will be interesting.  

That's it for now. 

Yesterday

 I was very stiff and hurting.  I ate low carb and feel a lot better today so I will go back on the low carb just for that.  Screw having a hot body, I want to run across a busy street.

And I will lose weight I always do.  It will be interesting to see where I end up.  It is actually liberating not to do this for weight loss.

Work has been OK I can honestly say I have great people on my team.  That's it for now.

 I talked to some coworkers at work and one of them is willing to take, neuter, and keep Oscar once I can catch him.  I am very happy about that.  

I ate pretty low carb yesterday and am much less stiff today.  Good, I need to be able to run across streets quickly.  

Off to my shower.   

Time to go, more later

Ride home

 The bus stop was pristine today even though the guy was there.  He had a pile of large rocks he was throwing around.

On my first bus about halfway.

Monday lunch

 I am taking a very hard look at my finances and pretty embarrassed about some of the calls I made 

Like, the last couple years, I spent WAY more than I should on transportation.  Taking my credit card to work every day - bad call.  

In my defense Ron handled all the finances up until a few years ago but I need to figure things out quick.  I have never had anything cut off or go to collections so I am winning on some fronts.  

And some of this goes back to the brain damage.  Prefrontal lobe damage and finances aren't a good mix.  But I can do better.

It is just deeply humiliating doing a post mortem and trying to figure out where to go from here.

On a positive note, I have a home for Oscar, the abused orange cat.  A lady at work will take him.

That's it for now.  I am also battling some depression.  

I am having some very difficult discussions

 About money lately.  It is humbling and I could use some work on being humble and admitting mistakes.  Working on that.

At any rate work is going OK.  I had half my snack on my break just now.  It was good.

The rain has apparently gone elsewhere.  So I don't have to worry about that later I hope 

So far dry on my way to work

 I have been tripping over various things the last couple weeks.  Just "unlucky" "spiritual warfare" whatever you want to call it, and pulling a muscle in my leg.  It gets better, there I go again.  I am having a full workup in a few weeks. 

I have noticed it is much stiffer when I eat gluten and easier to get around when I am eating more keto.

So I will be eating more keto 

This is very sad but not my cats

 I have watched a black cat and an orange cat live in a neighbor's garage.  For some reason the neighbor won't put the door down all the way so the cats hang out in there.  So 2 of them were living in there; the men who live there are very angry about that and I have seen them hurting the cats.  

The orange cat has been very friendly with me, rubbing up against my leg and greeting me.  

A couple months ago the black one was run over, I saw the body on my way to work one day.  The men wouldn't even put the body in a trash can and the buzzards got it.  

Biscuit has been doing Mortal Battle with another cat coming around the cat door lately.  It happened this morning.  I opened the curtain and it was the poor orange baby trying to get in.  It's about 9 months old, skinny, "ticked tabby" orange, mostly orange.  80% chance it is a boy.  

All my cats are very upset so he's not coming to live with me, but it hurts my heart that this poor boy (?) wants to.  

I told my family about this, figured they could pray for me to be strong and someone else to have mercy on this cat.  Side note, I didn't get Spotty fixed (finances) until he was almost a year old so they could be related (grandson or great grandson).  Dad was pretty upset I think he thought I wanted it.  I don't, I just want it to have a good home, but I can't even trap it because my cats run it off the second they see it.  I have a bad feeling it won't have a good end.  

It's sad.  

I have a bad headache today probably due to severe weather coming in tonight/tomorrow.  

That's it for now.  

Handout update!

 I had done up my cart on Thursday so all I had to do today was roll it to the bus stop. It was pretty heavy with 50 whole Bibles on it, 25 of each, plus my tote bag which had additional Bibles and my candy bag with tracts done up with candy.

Final total today: 47 whole Bibles, one New Testament, 3 Scripture booklets, 4 tracts in bags of candy. I had done up the Bibles with personal notes letting the recipients know, in English or Spanish depending, that I would be praying daily. My Spanish coworker who is a very good bilingual said it was "very good" so I am confident about that.

Yo estoy orando por ti diariamente!

So I got there and it was already a little warm and I had brought my jacket. I put the jacket in the cart and took out the English milk crate full of Bibles. I left the Spanish in the cart but it was easy to get them and I used them up first.

Whatever you want to say about the immigration crisis, when Spanish speakers get here they are looking for a Bible! And I had them! I had one guy wanted a Bible and the light had changed, he didn't care, he angled his car across 3 lanes of a very busy street (Antoine) so he could get it!

I had two cars where young Spanish speaking women had stopped the car dead in the street to get Bibles, which of course I gave them. They were thrilled to hear I had Spanish.

I had one sweet lady about my age. She had her window down and I approached, smiling, because she was grinning at me. "You're back again, sweetie? Yes, I'll take one." She was not the first recipient I've had to drive past me repeatedly before she took a Bible. One man, years ago, told me he had driven past me "All up and down Antoine" for years before "Today's the day!" and he took the Bible!

I had a member of the Brown Berets socialist group tell me I had to lay aside my religious beliefs and join the movement. I figured I was probably an oppressor being a homeowner so I passed, but he did take a Bible and I encouraged him to read 2 Timothy Chaper 3 as he kept going on about the terrible state of the world. I thought it might encourage him to read this was prophesied 2000 years ago.

The weather was perfect, sunny, light breeze, low to mid 70's so a lot of people had their windows down. That gave me an opportunity to give away more Bibles.

I had one young Latina lady say she was a teacher and she would "take anything (I) got" so I gave her a couple each Spanish and English Bibles. I had lots of people wanted 2 Bibles, thinking about it. I had one car with two older, cynical, black guys but they took 2, one each, and gaped at me when I solemnly told them I would pray for them every day "That's sacred!" I told as many as possible that I would, but I also had the notes in each Bible. I gave away all 25 of the Spanish pretty quick and only had 3 English left when I finished. I left the sign on the cart but I didn't hand out any more whole Bibles.

I went by the taco truck (3 Scripture booklets) and the grocery store (1 New Testament she was very excited about it), and also handed out 4 bags of candy including one with a tract on drug addiction and freedom from it, to another passenger at the bus stop.

I had a lot of troubles getting from the venue to the grocery store (took about an hour and a half not counting the 20 minute bus ride) but other than that it was easy!

Thank you so much for praying for the recipients!

Lunch update

 An 81 year old lady was murdered near where I plan to do my Handout tomorrow.  Shot in her apartment.  

I don't think I am in any danger though.  

We had a case with a baby boy found on someone's doorstep they have found the family.  Sounds like an overwhelmed caregiver to me.

I ate some cheese and a couple hard boiled eggs for lunch that was pretty good.  

Less than 3 hours to go.  That boss was there but she is supposed to leave at 8.  We will see.  I plan to buy a little cheese before I go home.  

That's it for now.  

News I didn't need

 One of the greeters at my store, disabled man, was assaulted by a homeless man at the bus stop and had to go to the hospital.  He said he was on the phone when it happened.

I never use my phone at the bus stop and I do carry the big stick, I am also vigilant looking around and I don't let anyone stand near me.  But it is disturbing this man is obviously disabled.  

He said they did catch the guy so there is that.

I think I mentioned that awful Chick tracts I saw online about the toddler beaten to death.  Someone left it in the break room and I threw it out.  Someone at the store lost a toddler to domestic violence last year and that's the last thing they need to see.  Also, it would blow back on me as I am open about my faith, offering to pray for people, etc.  I'm not losing my job over this.  It is known I hand out material and a WMP Scripture Booklet looks a lot like a Chick tracts, but I would not hand out Gospel material at work unless someone asked for a Bible, for instance.

Nope nope nope.  I don't feel at ALL bad about that.  

It has already been a crazy day and I haven't even clocked in!  

We had some severe weather after all

 Two big storms came through hours apart; first one had the usual severe thunderstorm, wind, heavy rain, then hail.  I was freaking out thinking about the 10 windows on the house and my high insurance deductible.  I was praying not just to God but to "Abba Father" so I guess in Hebrew too?  Anyway no damage that I know of.  

Second storm I was in bed with the cats and it blew through, a lot of lightning, wind, heavy rain, I took my electronics off the outlets in case of a power spike.  

I will get a good look at the outside of the house when I leave for work but the inside is OK.  I got up at 7 it was nice to have a good rest.  I am kind of stiff lately I really need to get back on Keto, I am sure the inflammation stems from eating wheat and other processed grains.  I took a couple of Naproxyn.  

Today will be interesting for reasons I can't talk about.  Mainly just embarrassed to share the details so I won't, it's a money thing.  

I am packing a keto lunch today.  That's it for now.  

Edit; as near as I can tell I lost a dead branch off my tree and my plastic lawn chair blew over into the garden bed.  No damage done.  

I did up Bibles for a Handout this weekend

 And I found out my time off request was approved for May.  I only asked (as requested by the Big Boss) for 2 days and that's all I did.  They were my "customary" days off but I didn't want to take a chance as I have 7-day availability.  I don't believe in luck but I didn't want to pull two, 9 hour shifts when Dad was here, have to call in, get resentment from coworkers and boss, etc.  

I am still figuring out dinner.  For a change, I can get up later tomorrow as I start work at 2 and not 9.  That's sleeping in an additional 4-5 hours.  

The rain stopped.  I asked God for please no severe weather and that's what we got, a nice gentle rain for several hours.  The trees and reservoirs will appreciate it, no drama.  

I think I am going to have cereal.  That's it for now.  

Some places I've lived.

 My first home was a one story three bedroom home with a basement.  For some reason they put my younger brother in the master (with half bath) and Dad and Mom slept in a small guest room off on the west side of the house because he didn't like the sunlight.  I had the last bedroom and my step brother and sister had to sleep in rooms Dad built (they were OK but not "real" rooms) in the basement.  

If there was a Cinderella in my story it was probably my stepsister.  She didn't have it easy.  We all had to share one bathroom too.  I remember hearing the water run through the pipes at night as my stepbrother and sister took their showers at night.  It was a very soothing sound to me.  

Second house was much bigger; five bedroom, 3 bath.  I shared a bathroom with my two brothers and my stepsister finally had her own bathroom.  She had the mother in law suite on the first floor.  Mom and Dad got their own master bath, too.  

My first place with Ron was a dump; a converted garage apartment with the garage door on it to fool the housing inspector, a large floor drain (Ron used to tell me the really scary things were too big to get out of the drain!), and plumbing issues.  It basically had no kitchen, an elderly fridge and a hose coming out of the wall into a plastic bucket that was supposed to be the kitchen sink.  But I was young and in love.  

My first real apartment was great in a lot of ways, it had an abundance of closets and a very nice bedroom closet that had shelves.  It has a front entry coat closet as well I used as a linen closet.  The bathroom had mold issues due to a leaky pipe in the ceiling above the shower, it was the overflow valve on the tub; when she took a bath (upstairs neighbor) the water would slosh out into the drain pipe and drip through my ceiling.  Mold everywhere it was pretty bad and probably responsible for some lingering issues I have today.  

First apartment in Houston was in a nice complex, in a bad area, with very strict rules to keep it nice.  They had a convenience store on site I used to buy a snickers bar and a soda every day on my way to work.  I had a walk in closet, a nice brick wall in the front room,  a huge bedroom, nice little kitchen, big windows.  All bills paid too.  

Next apartment was in an even worse area it was nice inside though.  It had a fireplace and a balcony, good layout on the rooms, good size kitchen.  It was on the third floor.

The duplex we lived in a year before Ron's accident and a year after, first floor, pervert neighbor used to try to look in my bedroom window at night.  I found out later he was a sex offender.  Praise God I didn't get raped.  It was the biggest place we stayed, a two bedroom, two sinks in the bathroom, a linen closet in the bathroom, a walk in closet the size of a room, Ron had his own room which he liked.  Really awful neighborhood, the neighborhood policeman almost crapped himself when he saw me out running one afternoon, told me to go home and check the sex offender registry.  I did and we moved, it was that bad.  

Then the house, big yard, small house.  2 bedrooms.  Works for me, I've been here nearly 20 years.  Tiny kitchen though.  

I got the ball rolling

 So I had a pretty quiet morning, had a headache so I only did my God Time and had some serious lap time 

Then I made some calls.  I started with the Health Department as I think the issue of human waste all over the ground is a health department matter.  They took the call and suggested I call the bus company as well; which I did.  

Everyone was completely revolted and I am very sorry about that but they took the call, referred me to complaint (the first call to Metro bus I just said "Homeless people are 'messing up' the bus stop" without detailing how, he kicked me to complaint line where the poor man heard my statement, took a complaint, referred me to Metro Police.  I was not expecting that.  

However now that it is on file I think I will see some action.  If I don't I will keep making phone calls and worst case this is the kind of thing the local "consumer advocate" reporter on the TV station would love to hear.  

The worst thing I said was "My cat has better manners" during the phone calls, all 4 of them (I only said it once).  So hopefully I won't have to watch my step over there anymore.  It helped I had the bus stop number and address.  

I tell you, going over there after a long day at work is just awful, and then that nasty drunk man just laying there coughing up a lung (he smokes small hand rolled things that do not smell like weed), piles of crap everywhere, Tijuana slums are better than that (I spent a total of 6 weeks in TJ slums doing mission work, as a teen).  

Anyway the headache is gone thank God.  It is raining enough I'm glad I didn't have to ride the bus and it should help clean up my bus stops.  

I just work tomorrow and have 2 days off, I plan to do a Bible Handout if I can.  

I really had some excellent lap time with Biscuit, a nice amount with Spotty, and Cleo put her front legs in my lap while standing on the arm of my chair, that's her version of "lap".  As a former feral many common things are very scary for her, like me standing up or moving suddenly.  Also clothes, clothes are terrifying to her, but that's OK she loves me and lets me know in her way.  And I have the boys if I want lap time, hugs, or kisses.  With Cleo I will kiss my fingertips and put it on her head.  

That's it for now.  

Made it to lunch!

 I am moderately tired and depressed but I will make it.  They put onions on my burger and I was too tired to go back and complain.  Besides, onions are good for the immune system.  I just hope I'm not burping them all night.

After lunch I have the zone (making grocery look good) and 1 hour of my regular job before I go back home.  

Tomorrow will be rain.  

I am glad I put more money on my Q (bus fare) card but I will do it online from now on.  I don't want to have my wallet out flashing cash around on the routes I take.

That's it for now!  

At work

 I got the address of the bus stop and the number of the health department.  I am going to call and sic them on this problem.  It is a public health problem.  We will see if they agree.

It seems quiet today we will see.  

That's it for now.  

On my way to work

 Bus card only had $5 value so I wanted to put a $20 on it.  I had it in my wallet but there was a homeless man leaning on the he fare box looking gacked out so I had to wait until he got off at the end of the line 

And a homeless man with a fairly large dog just got on this bus.  The dog seems OK though but it is clearly a pet.  They use the dog to elicit sympathy and more donations, also to guard their stuff.  The animals are not vetted or vaccinated of course.

I hope the rest of the day is easier.

Not sure if I will need the headache pill

 But I made it to work.

Once a week, I take $1 to the gas station and have the guy pick me a lotto ticket.  The kind where they have the draw not the scratch off.  We have a lot of fun with it and I always tell him he will share in my winnings.  And I mean it.  Yes, I know he is supposed to get some anyway.  I have my doubts.  Anyway it is fun.  

He said the one he picked is up to $200k.  I will carry the ticket around for a few days before I check it.

I am prone to any sort of addiction so I have a strict $1 a week policy 

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning commute

 I am sleeping better off the allergy pills.  I do have Mr Kitty Cat sleeping on me at night.  He is so cute.

Pretty uneventful getting out the door but my last bus has an overpowering stench of pine trees.  I just hope I don't get a migraine!  

Ron had really bad taste in male friends

 One admitted he led a gang rape.  

One stood up at our wedding as best man and then tried to talk me into cheating a year later.  He was always borrowing money and refusing to pay it back.  So Ron started paying him for rides rather than lose all that money.  He stopped calling when the money dried up and sent me a sarcastic text message days after I told him Ron died.  I am pretty sure I saw that man today.  

I didn't say anything and made a point of avoiding him.  I didn't want to play plastic games.  

Ugh.  Bad memories.  

If you want a loathsome character

 I will do a blog on him later.  Suffice to say I saw the man my husband considered his best friend in the store.  He did not recognize me and I didn't say anything.  But that was unpleasant.  A lot of bad memories.

More later.

I weighed my options

 Probability of getting a lunch at 6, slim.  So I asked for and got my lunch 2 hours in.  I can sacrifice a break if it doesn't work out but I'm required by law to take a lunch 

I ran into a Postal Worker who asked me how Ron was doing.  I told the guy Ron died and he said "Oh yeah I heard" 

I don't think I'll ever be done with that.  

We had the nice boss today which was refreshing.  I worked with someone I consider a friend but she is a vicious gossip.  I shudder to think what she says about me behind my back and I'm sure she's talking.  She had a lot to say about the one boss I won't repeat.

I am debating cutting my hair short.  Adoptive Mom is concerned it may look bad as it's thin on top 

I'm going to do a post tomorrow

 "What happens to scoffers". I think it is needed 

Got to work OK.  It is busy of course.  Lots of bats on the Crazy Train.  People macing the whole bus with perfume - Lysol I could understand but perfume just gives everyone a headache.  People having conversations with "no one" swatting at invisible flies, etc.  I just put on my headphones and looked out the window.

Hopefully the day will go better from here.

Sunday morning

 To the comment about Ron, how is a blind man supposed to verify his girlfriend's age?  I lied and told him I was 18.  He couldn't exactly look at my birth certificate or ID card.  I didn't even have an ID card at the time.  

Anyway I did not sleep well I think it is the allergy pill, as I did not use much caffeine yesterday.  I am up now and ready to go.  

I just work 1-8 and that boss should have the day off.  I packed a lunch with some favorites.  I brought an assortment of cheese.  

I decided I was not ready to figure out low carb snacks at this point so I bought one of those assorted packs of one ounce chips, and a pack of granola bars that do not have peanut flour in them.  The Nature Valley brand, and the Great Value, do, and that causes Big Time Headaches for me.  But one without any peanuts should be OK.  

I just realized I will be taking the bus I normally take to church.  That is sad.  

That's it for now, updates from work.  I'll take prayer for the recipients and for me to have an uneventful day.  

More Candy Lady business

 So this one's about evangelism.  

A sponsor sent me some very nice tracts - actually 2 different ones sent me tracts.  I can go through a dozen tracts a day so that's always appreciated.  

Side note: I also need to do some more "praying for you daily" cards.  

Anyway I went out today with my usual sack full of goodies, two New Testaments in bags of candy, various Gospel Bags (tract + candy).  

I don't like to profile.  I don't know if you would call it profiling but everyone assumed Ron was my father the first 5 or so years we were together.  It got very very old.  

Ron was never subject to profiling because he was a chameleon, his complexion was such people assumed he was either a light skinned black or a white guy with a really good tan.  Ron elected to call himself white on his ID card, when he applied.  

Anyway my first driver was a medium skinned guy with a shaved head.  I offered him the candy, he objected.  I realized, by his accent, he was middle eastern, likely muslim, and of course fasting as it is Ramadan.  Oops.  I would still offer though.  

I was standing at my second bus stop holding the bag of candy when a public servant of some sort drove up (not saying what), I gave him the candy, he was thrilled to get it.  He drove off.  

My second driver came, he was a very friendly guy, thrilled to get the candy, dropped me at the grocery store.  I got him again going home as he just had to turn around and come back at the end of the line.  

While in the store I met a cashier who said I was an urban legend in the store (I can't help but remember the movie about the alligator in the sewers, the punch line being everyone said "That's an urban legend").  So I'm an alligator now.  She got a kick out of actually meeting me and seemed very open to the gospel.  

I will be praying for all of them of course, but that was a good day.  

Ok there were 6 comments, 4 of them rude, different people.

 So I'm just deleting the whole set.  

I don't just "ride to work" I hand out evangelism material going and coming every day.  With very few exceptions (mainly to drivers) it is very well received.  That's job #1 and what I do four hours a day.  

If it was just getting on one of those buses at some filthy stop with a gacked out guy who hasn't bathed in a year - of course I'm going to try and get away from that.  But it's not.  I'm doing more than that.  

I do get feedback which I don't share - when I get it, which isn't often, it is very positive.  So I'm having an impact doing this.  

And as some are so quick to point out, it's not like I have anyone waiting for me at home.  

What I do for Walmart pays the bills, whatever that is.  

That's it for now.  

Friday afternoon

 I feel like I've spent ages to myself relaxing and I would still be looking at a 4 hour shift at work.  

I am not sorry I decided to take the day off.  

I took a good nap with the cats.  We are supposed to get severe weather later.  I think we will as my (formerly) broken finger is throbbing off and on.  The cats haven't really gone outside except to tease the dog.  I feel bad about that, but even if I had a working cat cage just their existence outside in it would provoke the dog.  

And I see people online who have pit bulls and cats sleeping together, etc.  I can't imagine that.  If I had a dog - and I say this, just like I "said" I was going to get the fluffy black female kitten I saw online (back in 2013 and then I walked out with an elderly brown and orange tabby).  Anyway I would want a small to medium dog not something huge, if I ever did get one.  It's a small house too.  

By the way, the kitten was adopted a week later.  

I would probably only get a dog if I remarried and he really wanted one, and I could find one that got along with cats.  So it would be pretty crowded.  

One thing I've considered I would want a cat lover: Evangelical, non drinking, cat lover.  In that order.  A guy like that would probably have his own cats.  And that would be a cluster... trying to get them introduced and sorted out into a pecking order.  Almost better to stay single!  

Biscuit got very annoyed with me when I sat on HIS couch (loveseat) today.  Apparently I only get weekend access.  

At any rate I felt better so I put out the baits.  I did an 8-pack of the Raid Roach ones and an 8 pack of the Raid Ant ones.  8 baits is about the right size for my house, 2 in the front room, one in the kitchen, one in the dining nook, you get the idea.  Definitely a bait each in the bedroom and Bible room the Bible room in particular because I have the candy in there.  Talk about a mess - any kind of bug in my candy would be catastrophic.  They're good for 3 months.  

It's getting gloomy out.  If it gets really nasty I will pull the plug on my electronics.  

That's it for now.  

Not sorry

 I just couldn't face another day at work and called in.  

I did have a headache which I can use as an excuse if asked, but they generally don't ask.  I work Palm Sunday so I think they would rather have me there anyway.  

I just needed a break, I wasn't getting my God Time, getting 6 some hours of sleep a night, it adds up.  Add to that I was only going to get one day off out of 9 worked I [shudder] no.  

It's supposed to rain this afternoon so I got the clothes started.  I did not bring home my vest to wash but it will be OK.  

I get up at 3, catch the 5:30 bus, get to work 7:30.  I build in time for screwups as one time a bus broke down and the next bus had an old lady fall getting off.  I barely made it on time.  So I start work at 9 and work until 4 some days, 6 other days.  On the 9 hour days at work I pay for a ride home.  But take a more typical "off at 4" day.  I leave and catch a 4:30 bus to come home, arrive home between 6 and 6:30 PM.  Call my parents that's a half hour, pet the cats, go to bed around 7:30-8, wake up at 3 the next day.  That's a long day.  

I feel God wants me to do it this way, stay at this store, etc. even though there are other stores "closer" on the bus.  It just takes a lot out of me, I need 2 days together once a week to recoup.  

I have to laugh or get really pissed

 So my boss came in and made a big production out of giving me the thing back, but said I have to turn it in at the end of every shift.  Fine.  

She called me 6 minutes before 6, quitting time, said I had to do ____ until 6 on the dot Or Else.  And sure enough there was a problem with that; and when I called her the coward (I'm laughing here) didn't pick up her phone.  So I called another team lead.  

And I caught another spill and the very helpful team lead who has helped me with many situations in the past, but is a drinker and to my knowledge not saved, also said he would never date an associate (good policy) came to the rescue again.  But a balding old man from maintenance with a pot belly beat him to the punch.  

I decided I needed the Suave Keratin Smoothing shampoo again my hair is a mess on this other stuff, greasy and very frizzy, just awful.  

Oh.  And there was a guy I had been flirting with a little bit.  He saw me drinking my Diet Dew and he said Oh I love White Claws.  I can't get enough of them.  

I am 98% sure White Claw has alcohol in it.  I see it does.  I went straight out of "friendly" mode and into professional after that.  

I did ask God to make it obvious very early on if someone was, or was not, the right person for me.  

Oh, and someone left a Charles Stanley (evangelism) tract at my work station so I found that interesting.  I'll probably never know who did that.  

I'm tired so that's it.  

It is so stupid I have to laugh

 Years ago an assistant manager gave me what I will call a handheld computer.  I kept it in my locker and only charged it at home; in short I took very good care of it.

Last night my boss saw it in my hand and took it, said she would put it in a secure place.

It was not there this morning.  I told the other team lead who said the boss had taken it home.  I thought she just told me not to do that?  

It is just stupid territorial pissing contest.  I don't care she can have it.  But it illustrated the problem at the store not enough equipment associates and team leads stealing each other's equipment.

This is a Fortune 500 company we can afford more devices.  Pitiful.

It has been really busy today compounded by the fact one of the best workers had an emergency and had to leave.

The boss comes in at 2.  It is a mess, she will be angry and "bite".  I am not looking forward to it.  But for now I am sitting down about to eat a markdown coffee cake ,- one of the little ones.  

I was beat when I got home last night

 These long days doing spring break are taking a lot out of me.  And I keep waking up 2 hours after I go to bed.

I slept in as late as possible, didn't do my God Time, raced out to the bus stop and it was late, which pushed all my other trips half an hour later as well.  I was only able to hand out 1 Gospel bags to a driver not on my routes but 1 is sufficient.  

I always plan for screw ups so I got to work with plenty of time to spare.  I will probably have the nice boss first and then the other come in around 2 maybe.  

I came very close to calling in today but I wanted to save my PTO for Dad's visit in May.  They might not give me the time off and require me to call in.  I also have 2 points and I did not want to add another if I didn't use the PTO to cover.  I only get 5 points per 6 month period.

I am telling my coworkers my neighbor had a loud party with karaoke.  He did, just not last night.  

Made it to break!

 Eating my cheese plate I did up at home 

Made it to work

 I was already battling a headache on the third bus when some tattooed turkey lit up his cigarette and started smoking.  Ugh.

Some of the bus drivers made a point of thanking me which made me feel better about getting up so early.

One random lady at the transit center got a bag of candy and kept talking about how she "helps" the homeless.

(It has been my experience all the homeless here are addicts of some sort and most mentally ill as well - noncompliant and refusing the treatment that would help them become productive citizens.). 

She kept going on about how "the universe" was going to pay her back and I thought, good luck with that.  She did not know she had the tract "7 things that don't get you into Heaven".  I wonder if she will receive it or throw it away 

I know one paratransit customer was utterly convinced she HAD to give every homeless person money or her granddaughter would encounter a serial killer.  She got quite upset when the driver wouldn't put down her window.

At any rate I am here now.  I work until 9.  I need to text Ace and see if he can get me today.  That's it for now.

Going home now

 It is exhausting working with that woman.  I can see why all the good ones move on.

I almost cried with joy when they borrowed me for the grocery zone.  That manager is very reasonable and too good for the store.  

The bus is half full of homeless people with leaking trash bags, who didn't pay.

I didn't fall asleep on the bus

 At work now.  Still tired but at least I have a decent lunch today.

I don't know who's here and when until I clock in.  

Really tired this morning

 I was talking to my Dad last night when my uncle called.  Dad got very excited so of course I let him go.  He said he would call me back so I went to bed and left the phone on until about 9.  

I am really tired this morning.  I didn't even do my God Time.  

On my way to work.  The bus is bouncing around it is very hard to type.  

Very pleased

 To announce I brought and ate a low carb lunch today: sausage and cheese.  I only got a break today but still had time to eat it and then come here.

No chips, no prepared food, no "usual" at the deli or McDonald's.  Just sausage and cheese in a plastic container.  I plan to eat my salad at home tonight.  

The goal is low carb + more vegetables.  

I had problems with my jeans

 I tend to favor one of a couple jeans and just wear it constantly.  I had 3 in current rotation.  One became too tight and two were too loose.  

So I went to the garage and dug out some likely jeans.  Some were 22W down to 18 Misses.  I found an assortment of sizes (Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda) jeans at the thrift shop over the last couple years, the 20W was too big so I figured I was "set" if I could find the 18's.  Jeans in the garage are not well organized.  I will get to that some time.  

So I rooted around and found an armload that looked likely, went in my bedroom (Biscuit laid on the bed, supervising), tried them on.  Almost all of them fit, as I suspected a range from regular Misses 18 to an old pair of Faded Glory (old Walmart brand) black jeans in a 22W.  So I have I think 6 "new" pairs in addition to the two I already had that worked.  

I am just glad I had the storage for different sizes as things I have variations in my weight.  

I mean, forget having a bad mother, blended family issues to say the least, alcoholic mother, alcoholic husband, caregiving for 18 years...I could use therapy just on my relationship with food.  

God set it up so a baby is hungry, cries, is fed and changed.  Repeat several times a day.  I didn't have that; I was fed morning and night but not during the day so I spent long hours very hungry crying.  

Worse, I recall, is when she would come, reeking of cigarettes, alcohol, BO, and perfume.  I never knew what to expect then and would often cry harder.  

I don't eat to stay alive.  I eat preemptively sometimes because I might get hungry later, eat too much for the same reason.  

Low carb would really benefit me on the hunger issue.  

I also eat carbs as comfort food and eat a lot of processed food. because I am likely addicted to the additives.  

I am going to go cook up some sausage so I can at least make sausage and cheese for my lunch next week.  

That was good.  

I'm sorry I figured it out

 Every now and then I buy a puffed wheat, glazed cereal, usually generic brand.  I just love it for some reason, the taste and the texture of the wheat in my mouth - and wheat is so bad for us these days - genetically engineered, full of toxins...

But I love it.  And today I realized why and it made me cry.  

When Ron and I first got together we were very poor.  He just had a disability check and some training classes in office work; I had a $5 an hour menial job as a cashier.  So money was tight for groceries.  

Our first apartment didn't even have a kitchen just a fridge and a counter, a hose coming out of the wall into a plastic bucket that served as a sink.  The plumbing backed up frequently with raw sewage in my shower.  I didn't have a tub, either.  Ron bought a cheap microwave and I could cook just about anything in there even peanut brittle one night.  I also got a crock pot with my employee discount and we could make roasts with cheap cuts of meat.  Ron had an old deep fat fryer and we made a lot of fried chicken leg quarters.  We would buy a 10 pound bag of potatoes, a 10 pound bag of chicken leg quarters, and work on that all week.  

Probably I am not a big fan of potatoes in any form; or fried chicken with a bone, these days.  

One thing I had forgotten until today was the cereal.  Cereal was kind of a big deal for me growing up, I had the kind of household where all the kids had cereal for breakfast before going off to school.  I was a good kid but reacted badly to some food dyes that have since been banned.  So I had to eat the plain "Chex" sort of cereals, Rice Krispies (I hate them now), etc.  The other kids got the "fun" stuff with the sugar, brightly colored pellets, and marshmallows.  

Some times I would have oatmeal but Mom used to buy the fruit and cream assortment and the other kids would eat the "good" flavors, leaving me with the banana flavor.  

So I'm living on my own, on a limited budget.  Sometimes I bought the expensive cereal if I was feeling flush but the Safeway had a HUGE bag of puffed wheat cereal in a plastic bag for $2 I think, far less than the other cereals, and far more product.  I ended up eating a lot of that.  

I liked the taste.  It made me happy and filled me up.  My nutrition book said it was actually good for me.  And I realized today that is why the cereal can make me very happy or sad, depending, it reminds me of early days with Ron when I was full of love and hope for the future.  

And that has me sad, now.  I'm sorry I figured it out.  

Sunday morning

 So I got up and it was cold, my head hurt, it was depressing and dark out so I said Sorry Lord and went back to bed with Biscuit and Spotty.  

I got up and started the laundry.  I use cleaning rags which of course have to be cleaned; I set them on a soak cycle with some Biz and a little Borax, with a Tide POD.  Now I am doing a wash cycle with some bleach.  I cannot find the measuring cup I use for cleaning products so I had to use my food one for the bleach, but I rinsed it really well and it should be OK.  

Back in the day (when Ron and I had the deli) the accepted food service practice was wash in hot soapy water, rinse in hot water, soak in a lukewarm solution of diluted bleach (about 2 T per sink I think it was).  Then air dry.  So I do occasionally use bleach to sanitize in that order.  Dishes mainly, not pots or pans.  I think now they do wash, rinse, quarternary (?) sanitizer, air dry.  

Then I worked on cleaning out under - well I had better describe my kitchen.  It is a U shape by the front of the house.  The two legs of the U face the front room and the short arm goes across under a nice window.  For me, it was important my home have a kitchen window that looked outside.  So you're standing between the arms of the U, looking toward the window.  On the left side you have a very narrow cabinet and countertop, then the gas stove, more countertop and cabinet that runs to the wall.  Under the window you have the sinks and the cabinet underneath, to the right coming around you have a wall of cabinets running from the window back toward the front room.  Counter as well, with the microwave on it (we had a built in but it broke and Ron couldn't use it when he went back in the wheelchair so the microwave is on the countertop), and then the fridge right by the door to the garage.  

So I am working on the cabinet, under the counter, between the stove and the kitchen sink, cleaning out old canned goods and giving it a good once over.  It is incredibly difficult to get in there.  I have found it works well to sit in a chair and bend forward to work on it.  

Aside from canned food I keep pots and pans in there as well, an old meat grinder, my wok, some pots.  I took everything out, cleaned it, sprayed some Lysol just to be on the safe side, letting that percolate for a while before I put the pots back.  

I am also thinking maybe get some milk crates and use them to store things rather than have them loose and hard to extract.  

So that's pretty much done for the day and then I have 2 more loads of clothes to do.  I'm going to do the outside clothes (jeans, vest for work, tops) with some laundry sanitizer and then the underwear with the free and clear detergent only.  I can get irritated from some detergents especially on my back and torso.  

My head is bothering me I'm going to take something.  More later.  

Spotty!

 I didn't do much today just slept a lot and battled a bad allergy/sinus headache.  I had some cold and flu tablets (I cannot take pseudoephedrine or "old" Sudafed as it would interact with my Wellbutrin and cause a fatal seizure) I could take so I took them.  That helped a lot cut about 75% of the discomfort, and happily I still have several doses left.  I just hate the child safe packaging they should have the option to just buy that stuff loose in a bottle like aspirin (I would be OK with a child safe cap).  

Anyway I had a good nap with the boy cats.  For some reason Spotty is "in" sleeping with me and Cleo is "out".  They must have had a power struggle one day when I was at work.  It is nice sleeping with Spotty.  

He's a good boy.  

I am figuring out kitchen management.  I am keeping the sink and counter clear except when I'm doing dishes or cooking, then clear it off, wash it immediately, put it away.  It seems obvious but I need a leg up on things like this sometimes.  

I am tired, I'm going to bed early.  Allergies take a lot out of me during tree pollen season.  

The lilacs!

 One thing I had right after Ron died, I forget if I bought it or had it already, was a can of Febreeze Lilac Breeze room spray.  I liked it a lot and eventually used up the whole can.  

I have to cut through "Chemicals" (cleaning supplies, paper goods, laundry detergent) to go to work every day.  Yesterday there was an overpowering odor on the aisle and I saw a puddle.  

"You see (the spill) you own it!" corporate policy.  I CANNOT leave the spill or it's an automatic termination.  I did have some passing employees all who happily ignored me and my spill.  I saw a package on the ground with something leaking out and realized it was a one month refill for the lilac breeze Febreeze.  So I had a month of this crap right next to me.  My head was pounding and I had to take some Excedrin.  

One employee brought me a handful of paper towels and I put them on top of the lake and rubbed that around with my foot as I did not want that stuff on my hands and I didn't have gloves.  I kept asking for help and called my coworker to explain why I wasn't there yet.  She sounded very relieved it was my problem and not hers.  

The stench was overpowering and it got me thinking this is what the cats must smell when I use air freshener.  Someone eventually came to clean it and I left, but I carried it with me, to my horror I realized, on my shoes now.  

I realized I would have to 1.  Go home sick and throw the shoes away 2.  Buy new shoes or 3.  Clean the shoes somehow and hope I could still work.  

The boss didn't come in for a while but when she did I "jumped" her and said I HAD to go the pharmacy and buy some rubbing alcohol to pour on my shoes RIGHT NOW or I was going to have to go home sick with a migraine.  She said OK, she was bemused.  

So they had a nice end cap full of rubbing alcohol and I went ahead and bought one, also a cold Diet Dew since it was right there at the register, and went outside in the parking lot.  The bottle had a squirt type function if you manipulated it correctly so I was able to "hose" off the soles of my shoes.  And it worked!  The smell was gone.  

Ron was always a big fan of rubbing alcohol he used to say it could fix everything, he had about five half full bottles when he died.  

I walked around for a minute to get the alcohol off my shoes - I didn't want to slip and fall - and went back to work.  The boss of course was DYING to know what that was about as I have never done anything like that in 3 years of employment.  She laughed when I told her and I went to work, had a LONG day but I did it.  

And I found another spill (water this time) about an hour before I went home I thought that was very funny.  I don't know if the other employees don't see or ignore them, or I just have a gift, but I always seem to find the spill.  

Probably back in 2005 I slipped in "my" Walmart's bathroom on a little bit of water someone likely dripped after washing her hands in the ladies bathroom, fell, and smacked my wrist pretty good.  I did not file a report as it was an accident and there was no way they could have prevented it.  So I take spills seriously.  Ron did call and ask them to put a wet floor sign in the ladies bathroom which they did do for a while.  

We are supposed to get perks if we stay accident free for certain periods of time; I believe 90 days with no accident is steaks for the employees.  We have never even made it to nachos.  So I do what I can to keep it down.  

Work itself wasn't bad, it was interesting at the end.  I was getting ready to leave and this sweet older (maybe 60?) lady came up to me and asked for the "good" clearance deals.  I took her there, finished up, put my equipment away, clocked out, came out with my personal junk.  I saw her in the hallway talking to a manager.  

He is the one who was so helpful to me on many occasions after I was hired.  I had a small crush on him for a while but then overheard him, on a couple of occasions, talking about times he had drunk to blackouts in the past.  

[Side note Ron had also talked like that when we were dating so that's about the biggest red flag you could throw my way.} So I shelved that interest.  Today at lunch he was talking to someone in the breakroom that he doesn't drink like that anymore.  I am happy for him but still not going to happen.  

ALSO he has said he would never date an associate even one from another department and I agree with him on that, bringing love to work is very, very, messy.  

He is not a believer either which is #1.  But I am very fond of him and I want good things for him.  

So I saw the lady had a lot of "good" stuff in her cart and congratulated her on it.  Then she told me the manager had helped save a baby who had his foot stuck in the shopping cart and she wanted to tell someone about it.  

So I gave her the (very easy to remember) number for Walmart corporate as he blushed deeply, said this is "Name and job title" make sure you tell them what a good job he did  He was grinning but also very embarrassed because he is not a proud man (nice and refreshing let me tell you), and left to go catch my ride with Ace.  

Later on I thought she might mention me as well helping her, that would be nice but I'm not counting on it.  

I came home, talked to my parents, Dad was coughing some but he does have pneumonia, they are going back to urgent care today.  I am glad she is staying on top of that.  

I don't think he is using the cough drops I sent, those green Broncolin ones are really effective.  

I ran into my boss' boss last night in the back of the store and asked him if I could get a couple of days off in May "to see my Dad".  He is the one who approves requests and he knows I NEVER ask for time off.  He said "He could spare me for 2 days" which is better than nothing, so I relayed that to Dad.  I should have that much PTO built up by then.  

We finished talking and I went to bed, slept pretty badly, kept waking up, but CATS all 3 of them in my bed so that's a good night.  I woke up in the middle of the night with a headache, took something, went back to sleep, more headache, took something else around 7:30, still a dull throbbing but I'll make it.  It is gloomy and sad outside.  

I decided not to do the Bible Handout today but I will go get groceries.  Hopefully I can also get a nap as well.  

That's it for now.  

Having a pretty good day

 Boss had me off by myself for most of it so far.  Head snitch kept checking up on me but I was doing my job and didn't care.

I need to talk to a manager about possible time off to see my Dad.  I don't think I will get it for a reason I can't explain but we'll see.  

Dad has said in the past he would be fine visiting if I still had to work.  And maybe my aunt can come and hang out, too.  

That's it for now.  

Dad is coming to visit

 Sometimes in early May.  I think all the health scares have got him thinking.

I don't know if I can get the time off.  If I can't maybe my aunt could come down and hang out with them when I'm working.  4 hours (!) of my day is the commute so a ride each way would give me way more play time.

I slept horribly but got out of the house OK.  I had a lovely kind very young driver who was so nice I called in a compliment.  Customer service is always so shocked to get one.  But he deserved it.  I just hope he actually gets it.  

I left the house later than I should have but still got to work OK.  I handed out 5 bags of candy and they were all new to me.  

I hope my grocery store has the pinata mix tomorrow as I am nearly out.

Last night I came home to a case of bilingual Bibles on the porch that was very fun!  I need to do a Handout tomorrow.  

That's it for now.

Less than 3 hours to go

 I am tired.

Hope I make it. It's been a long day.  I have to get something from the pharmacy after work too.  

I could use prayer.  I am too proud not asking for it.

I made it to lunch

 I am tired.  I am moderately depressed.  But I will make it.

Just depressed

 I got through yesterday OK.  I was quite excited to get my case of Scripture booklets in the mail yesterday.  I guess the plant manager at the processing center fixed the late package issue.

I didn't sleep well and I didn't sleep long enough so I woke up pretty depressed.  That boss worked 3-12 last night so not sure when she's coming in today.  That's going to have a big impact on my day 

Distribution went pretty well today there is one driver I keep meeting doesn't want anything.  I wonder how many times God will send him my way.  I left my stick on the last bus but 2 people chased me down and gave it to me; they're not all troublemakers.  

I have about an hour to go before I clock in.  

Made it to lunch!

 I am tired but I'll make it.

The Spiced Coke Zero is pretty vile.  

At work, feeling a little better

 I clock in, in about an hour.

I kept falling asleep on the second bus

 I have some energy drink mix and a bottle of water.  I hope this does the trick without freaking me out.

Slept terribly

 Having a really hard time today; anniversary of Ron's death.  I don't recall it being bad last year but it sure is this year.  

Pretty depressed today

 I could use prayer if you're inclined.  

Almost run over again

 I walk up to my subdivision bus stop, ride one block in the direction of traffic, get off, cross both ways at what I generally consider to be a fairly slow intersection.

I had the light, street lights beaming down on me, wearing my white jacket, the little green man on the sign for the crosswalk.  And some turkey turning left STILL almost ran me over, he got within about 6 feet.  

I stopped, turned at him, yelled "WHAT THE EFF?!??" and finished crossing.  Except I used the Bad Word.  When I got across I repented 

I really don't want to die like that.  My only real worry, I realized, would be the cats.  Biscuit is terrified of Sara but Cleo and Spotty do like her so she could take them.  But what happens to a 10 year old male cat with bladder stones and a dirty butt?  (He doesn't always clean it).  Nothing good, I fear.

But the God who made them can find them a good home.  If He takes me any time soon that is.

All that said Ron said it was "great" to be hit by a truck "A circuit breaker flips and you don't feel a thing, you just pop out of your body.". He would know, we met the paramedic later and he said Ron was dead at least 10 minutes.

That's it for now!

There are some manufacturers nearby I'm guessing a guy got off a night shift

Why does God keep tossing this man at me?

 Work was pretty uneventful.  I left and got a lotto ticket, $1 a week is my budget for that, always get a quick pick and let the clerk pick the game.  

I missed the bus so I had to wait.  As I was waiting who rolls up in an older model very modest (but well maintained, clean inside and out, and likely paid off) Honda?  Yes, the bus driver I was talking to so much on my way home.  He was happy to see me and I think was on the verge of offering me a ride home when the light changed.  He asked when I worked and I said "They put my hours in the blender".  

So maybe I'll see him again maybe not.  He looked good (appealing not necessarily "hot" or "handsome") in his civies, some kind of polo top and cargo shorts.  He drove off.  

Then the pervert showed up.  I don't think he was homeless as he had designer jeans, nice looking shoes, ear buds, expensive phone.  But he was dancing around the bus stop, pointing at passing cars, gyrating, and took his pants off.  I looked away but tried to monitor out of the corner of my eye.  It gets over 18 after that but the cars were honking as they drove by and I had to stand there at the bus stop because my feet were killing me and I was worried he'd just follow me to the next one.  

Can you imagine if my buddy had come back during that?  

It gets worse.  I think Blogger will let me say he was still "acting up" when the bus pulled up and the bus driver let him on the bus.  He stopped with the sexual behavior and began talking loudly to someone in the back.  

The ride home was very long but I made it.  I was dragging walking home.  

I talked to my aunt after I got off the bus.  

Oh, and the cats brought me a snack (I put it out without harming it).  

I am sorry Lord

 So I got to the transit center and people had peed everywhere, in every single bus enclosure.  It reeked of piss.  It was AWFUL.  Biscuit has better manners - Spotty does, and he has the brains of a gnat.  They had made an attempt at pressure washing which somehow made it worse there were long puddles of urine leaching out.  

Horrible.  And there's the de rigeur drunk white guy staggering around slurring questions.

The white people on the bus are not my people.  All of them very bizarre, the young men frankly dangerous, the older ones alcoholics and homeless to boot.  It makes me ashamed to be white.  Ron used to talk about being ashamed to be black I get it.  Boy do I get it.  

So that was awful and I literally had to trek through puddles of urine to hand out the candy.  I thought the homeless issue was bad in San Francisco but Houston is a close second.

I don't know why God has sent me to this mission field but I will work it!  

Some nights I just don't sleep well

 I would feel much more sympathetic towards the puppy next door if I actually believed they will keep it.  But they had "Luna" about 10 years ago, for 6 months.  Boy that girl could bark, some sort of yappy little terrier.  Then they had another dog right before Ron died.  It didn't last, either.  

Now this one even the older boys hate it and shout at it when it's barking.  So it's yap yap whine bark all night long.  That's my baseline and let's remember with my "zero lot line" (look it up) my bedroom wall is the property line.  I wasn't going to get much sleep to begin with anyway.  The dog barking and then I was restless couldn't sleep.  

Biscuit is the champ sleeping with me, he will curl up around my arm or leg and wrap his legs around me, purring.  He eventually lulled me off and he was still there when I got up.  Older cats rock.  

All that to say: I'm tired.  

Dad did say he was feeling much better so I am highly encouraged about that  

It was much nicer walking around on the floor this morning.  I need to figure out how often to sweep, how often to mop.  It is supposed to rain this week so I will likely have to do both this upcoming weekend.  I also need to work on the shower and bathroom sink.  I got the toilet already.  

I have to go; I get off an hour early today.  

I resemble this

 Stolen off Facebook: 

And yet, more cleaning

 It is weird I am not manic this is what normal people must do "Oh the floor is awful I need to sweep and mop"  

So I did that.  This is what the mop water looked like when I finished.  

The floor looks great.  The tape on the floor under my foot?  Ron and I were bickering one day over the placement of my favorite chair and he said "How about this?" and moved the chair where he liked.  I was OK with it.  "OK" he said "Let's mark it" and he got the duct tape.  We had a deal if it was between the tape and the wall he could move it back.  It worked very well and it is a good rule of thumb anyway.  I moved that chair into the Bible room so I could have a more comfortable God Time.  

At some point I plan to get another "Pello" chair for the front room but for now I put my bags there.  Not a lot of room up here.  

I also cleaned the toilet.  I have hard water and hate scrubbing those minerals!  Last time I overdid it scrubbing.  

I don't know if it's just me but a lot of times I have the ability to tune out pain so I didn't realize I had hurt the muscles in my hand scrubbing so hard until the next week when I could barely lift a glass of water to my mouth.  I had a heck of a time doing my job!  Another time at work I did the same thing to the left hand carrying a portable printer in my left hand all night.  

So I was careful to baby my hand.  

Tomorrow's only five and a half hours.  I am looking forward to that.  What they are doing is cutting my hours in the early week and then adding it on and then some at the end of the week.  It makes sense. 

I just hate getting up at 3 AM Monday to get ready for work; but every time I take the bus to work I save $19 and reach people I would normally never have met.  That is worth it to me but getting to sleep in an extra half hour?  Getting home an hour early?  I will take it!  

And I'm caught up on the laundry and I put everything up.  I even washed the bedding in a rare moment when the cats left it unguarded.  

I might try taking a nap now.   

Sunday morning

 I woke up a couple times last night, kept the phone on because Dad is sick.  

No calls, no text, that's good.  

I asked, twice, different text messages could I have some stuff delivered for them and nothing.  But she said thank you for sending her my schedule.  The week of the 21st is going to suck, I have to work Sunday until 8 PM and then 9 AM the next day?!  

Tomorrow is nice, though, I start at 9:30 and get off at 3.  It can be a bit hectic.  But she should be off as well.  

Mom finally got back to me and said I could send a few things.  So I got some stuff like the vapor steam tablets you put in the shower, the really good Mexican cough drops (the green bag Broncolin ones), lavender bath salts for Mom.  

Oh I didn't place the order, glad I checked!  

Kind of a confusing checkout.  

I'm going to clean the floor which is beyond ick.  It's swept now, a little bit of a headache and allergies are bad.  The Claratin does a good job on the overall but not the eyes.  There are allergy eye drops but I am weird about putting things in my eye, having worked with "The Blind" for 31 years.  2 years in high school before I met Ron and then 29 years with him.   Cherish your eyes, he'd say.  It's terrible to be blind.  

I'm going to take a nap.  Well that didn't work so I'm up again.  

That's it for now.  

Picking up, a narrative

 I thought I'd do a narrative on cleaning up the house this afternoon: 

• Clean litter box, toss.  
• Collect trash and dispose.  
• Don't forget the bathroom garbage, and a replacement bag.
• Welp, forgot the bedroom trash can.  Get that.  
• Collect recycle (all rooms) and dispose
• Decide not to move Biscuit to wash bedding.  
• Check weather as it looks like rain tomorrow.  
• Open up phone and read message, put away without checking the weather.  
• Open it up again and check the weather, put phone in pocket.  
• Get that soda I had been thinking about for a while (diet).  
• Get on Facebook for a minute.  
• Think "Oh Crap could I have ADD?"  
• Clean out fridge - not too bad.  
• Look around kitchen in despair.  
• Spotty!  
• Soak cycle done on washer, start wash cycle.  
• Move candy to Bible room and organize Handout stuff.  
• Make mental inventory of Bible room supplies and organize.  
• Find tracts online for sponsor and send her a link.  
• Fall down a rabbit hole of tracts and find 3 contenders.  
• Go back to kitchen, sigh.  
• Oh maybe the mail came.  
• Check the mail.  
• Oh I need to weed the garden bed... 
• Start at one end of the kitchen (it's a u shape not very big with the sink in the middle)
• Clean it off, toss a few things, put other things on stove.  
• Clean surface (takes a couple of tries)
• Put desired items back.  
• Move to the other side of stove, clear a space, clean, put desired items back.  
• Encounter canned food on counter and realize I have to clean out the cabinet under the counter to make space for canned food.  
• Start on that.  
• 6 PM, time to call Mom and Dad.  

More later...

I didn't do a formal Handout today

 But I did put a sign on my cart, and wore the Free Bibles hat.  One woman riding in a truck was interested but the man driving didn't stop.  My first customer was a guy driving a SUV, very bad teeth, very thin, wearing braces as an adult man.  I figure he just got to the US.  He wanted an English (his English was pretty good) and a Spanish so I gave him one of each.  

When I got to the grocery store I moved the Bible bag when I was putting my groceries in the cart, and when I put the bag back on the cart I immediately turned to pay.  The bag tipped over and a New Testament slid out, teasing the cashier into asking questions.  God does all the work on this stuff!  I thought it was great and gave it to her of course.  I like the Abundant Life NLT New Testament anyway it is an easy to read translation and it has a ton of helps.  

That's all I had energy for so that's all I did.  I shouldn't be doing it in "My" strength anyway but "His".  I got lower carb stuff if you discount the milk.  I didn't get any snack foods, cereal, or pancake mix.  

I only got one bag of pinata mix because that's all they had.  I like to have a reserve bag but I'll take what I get.  I thought it was cute, when I was waiting to go home the "wrong way" bus waved and honked as he went by.  

I am very tired even after a nap; I am debating if I want to do some housework tonight and then take it easier tomorrow.  I would like to do that.  Do I have the energy?  I don't know.  

I am taking iron pills in case I am anemic even though I haven't had a cycle in a while.  

Dad is pretty sick and Mom is giving him Nyquil which I am pretty sure is out for a heart patient, but I didn't tell her that.  He said he doesn't have a fever so I am guessing bad allergies.  He was supposed to see a doctor today.  I know tree pollen is really bad here which is one reason I may be so tired.  I will need to use the Neti pot again.  

There is something blooming here, sweet and somewhat grassy smelling.  I don't know what it is but it was blooming the day Ron died and it's not a good association.  I have to remind myself.  Maybe lilacs?  

That's it for now; more later.  

Feliz Viernes

 It has been crazy at work.  I am earning my keep.  I ate on my break so I'm not hungry on my lunch.  

I am going to do up some cards for tomorrow.  

Challenging ride to work

 Manic individuals.  Homeless.  No one paid the fare but me.  Some homeless chick kept staring at me all the way to her stop.  I got a very clear NO on engaging her in any way.

I get to Walmart I am standing up by the door.  The bus driver opens it.  A woman starts to get on and he holds up a hand, she gets on anyway, face to face with me.  By now I am FED UP and don't budge so she "has" to get off, cussing at me.  

I say "People get OFF here, too" as I walk off.  I thought that was pretty low key.

The store was packed everyone wants to drop that paycheck now.  Ugh.  And I haven't even clocked in,!  

I made it to Friday

 Tonight I work until 10 so a post is unlikely tonight.  

I don't have an update on the abused cats.  My cats are OK I think they mainly hang out in the house/yard being older and fixed.  #6 seems to have a puppy - every several years he gets a dog for about 5-6 months and then gets rid of it.  It is sad for the dog.  

Do I just live among buttheads or what?  

Uneventful ride to work, new drivers which was good.  I had leftover candy which I gave (very happily received) to the bank when I passed by later.  Work started out with a "nice" boss then moved to "Her" at 2, but I was on the zone at 2 (another department) and then had my lunch at 3 as approved by the nice one.  So I only had her for 3 hours.  In that time I did everything she asked.  

I did find out one of my coworkers is a backstabber - she dumped work on my cart and then said "I don't care" when I said I would get in trouble if she did that.  I need to reread Dale Carnagie before I talk to her again.  Put it in her own best interest somehow.  But I took photos of my work and my cart before I left thank you very much for reminding me.  I am sure she dumped it all in my area when I left.  

I did some shopping after work, I got some protein powder - I like to put that in milk for breakfast, some nuts and seeds to make my version of trail mix, etc.  I also got another 2 pound block of extra sharp cheddar.  

Ace got me an hour later.  I work until 10 PM tonight so that's going to be another long day but then I am off for 2 days.  I am hoping to do a Bible Handout if God lets me.  

I wore my new Mukluk compression socks (the cotton blend ones) and they were very comfy I was impressed.  I was on my feet for a very long time - a total of 12 hours.  

I need to take a shower and do my God Time.  

I was thinking in the shower about boundaries and loving my neighbor.  T, the coworker I mentioned, is lazy.  She will do the minimum and get an attitude when asked to actually work, but that seems standard with a lot of the young ones.  

The Bible says I have to love my neighbor and help them out.  But I don't believe He wants me to enable someone to shirk their duties, either.  The boss actually asked me to do some of T's work and I did it, quickly and well, but I did not do any more even though it looked like a mess.  She has to stand or fall on her own; the lady who normally helps her is out of town so this is the chance to show what you can do.  Or not.  

I have to seek God's will on that because I want to gossip - bad bad bad.  I don't want to do a thing to help her out.  That is also bad.  But she needs to stand on her own feet and I don't feel it is God's will for me to enable her to slack off.  The boss needs to see she is not a good worker and take appropriate action.  

There was another one like that who was unfortunately friends with her and T learned some very bad habits.  But my friend says she was a good worker when she first came so maybe she can be redeemed as an employee.  

Speaking of redeemed I did up my candy for the day.  I have about 10 bags.  My boss likes the green fruit chews, and the purple ones, so I made her her own bag.  I will either give it to her or put it where she will find it.  I don't need to put it in her hand.  

I actually feel bad for her.  Her job is very difficult.  

Onto a totally different subject I could not find the cheapo store brand vanilla whey so I got some cafe au lait last night.  It is very good I will enjoy these shakes.  The shake mix has a little caffeine in it which may or may not be a good thing.  I am way over the limit on caffeine every day.  

I also got the cats canned food (they like the store brand mixed grill in fact that is what I used to trap Cleo so I could spay her), some Temptations catnip treats (they all like that), and some Iams Urinary which they all eat.  I figure nearly every male cat I've had gets FLUTD I might as well feed Spotty (5 yo male) the food now before he has a chance to get sick.  And on my budget I would have to put him down.  They all seem very healthy though.  

And Cleo seems fine on the special food, she is so big I know neighbors are feeding her, too.  She has a very sweet and ingratiating meow I enjoy, when she's begging, and if she asks me for something she's getting it!  

They (Cleo, Biscuit) like a little splash of milk in their milk bowl when I am making a whey shake or a bowl of cereal.  I do give them that and they don't get sick.  

Spotty is just a dry (food) man and a few treats a day, he's good.  He doesn't even eat wet food.  

Biscuit sleeps on me every night it is very cute but a little hard to move around, get up for the bathroom, etc. I don't mind.  One day he'll be gone and the memories are all I'll have.  

Based on what I saw with the neighbor the other day (it is not #2, #6, or the guy across the street) he will probably be replaced by another abused cat in short order.  I might also look into the Seniors for Seniors program after I turn 50 - the shelter matches senior pets with older adults who can't afford one, and provides free vet care and sometimes food.  I love older cats.  

The sky is overcast and it is forecast to get up to the 70's today.  It is just at the line where I don't bring chocolate but I had a few leftover bags with it in my tote bag so we'll see  

That's it for now, more when I get to work.