Wednesday afternoon

 So I was out of candy.  I felt bad about that.  

I went to the Asian grocery first.  I wanted purple sweet potatoes and they had them.  Side note the potato is white, not purple, but the flesh is.  It was also $3 a pound so not cheap but full of good antioxidants and I love sweet potatoes.  

I got some sesame oil, the black sesame oil was sold out so I got another brand that had some left.  I wanted toasted sesame oil we will see what I got.  I wanted to get some lobster ramen for a friend but they did not have it.  I got the duck flavor.  

I was hungry so I bought a pastry which was good, not too sweet.  

Then I went to my main grocery store.  I got guavas, oranges, banana, a mango.  I recently "did" a pomegrante (hwoever you spell the damn thing) and have a container full of the little seed things all ready to eat.  I thought that would be good mixed up with some berries so I bought some blackberries and blueberries.  That will make a nice fruit salad for work.  Full of antioxidants.  So lots of fruit.  Then I bought some kale and a container of mixed salad greens, the greens are organic.  I didn't see organic kale.  

Now we have a lot of grocery stores in my area.  Food Town is one, the last time I bought chicken I happened to be there, I bought a couple of chicken thighs for a few dollars.  They have small portions to large ones.  This grocery store is different, they have big family packs.  I could buy a TRAY of chicken thighs but it would be $8 and a 10# bag of chicken leg quarters only cost $4.50.  I figured I could clean out my freezer and decided to buy the chicken leg quarters.  I also bought some ground beef.  

 I needed candy, which meant some pinata mix and some caramels.  They had the caramels but not a whole lot, and the pinata mix was cheaper than what I can get at work, same brand.  That was 7 pounds alone of the candy not counting the chicken, ground beef, and produce.  

I am stubborn and proud.  I am not proud of that although I feel the stubborn has served me the last few years.  I was too stubborn to give up after Ron died.  And how sad that I can put  those two words together.  "Ron" and "Died".  Anyway I know God is working in particular on my pride.  The fact that I had to go begging for jobs at McDonald's and the fried chicken place was very humbling, especially the fact the fried chicken place did not want me.  I felt that was very lowering.  

So Dad bought me a folding metal grocery cart so I wouldn't have to struggle with my groceries on the bus.  Did I bring it?  No, because I am proud and also judgemental and didn't want to be seen as one of "those" ladies with the metal cart full of junk.  So I struggled to bring it home, it was not pretty.  I had to keep putting it down and I kept thinking about Gavin De Becker in "The Face of Fear" when he talked about women's safety and how I should only bring what I could comfortably carry or make another trip.  Another trip was impossible but I could have brought the cart.  And I was embarrassed I had been so proud/stubborn/judgemental.  

I got home and the cats had done something that Baby Girl used to do which had me spiraling into depression and grief.  I never really mourned her and Torbie I just kind of shoved it down and kept going, well, it is coming out.  

I cleaned out some old stuff in the freezer I had not eaten in over a year and hopefully made enough room for the chicken.  10 pounds is a lot of meat.  I also had to reconfigure the fridge.  I have the salad mix I am eating, the new salad mix, and the kale all in there along with the celery.  I find I am eating a lot more fruits and vegetables lately.  That can only be a good thing, I feel.  

I am too depressed to do much today but I at least got the groceries.  I still haven't figured out what I'm eating the next 4 days but at least I have some options.  

That's it for now.