Friday morning

 An update on the large t shirt, I wore it to work last night it kept pulling up and was uncomfortable.  I think it is fine for going out but not for working, I will need an XL for that.  

I have some cash and gift cards from my birthday I need to figure out if I am going to spend some of that on new shirts or just keep wearing the 2X.  I am still up about 3 pounds so I sort of feel like I shouldn't reward myself until I get back on track.  

Work was fine.  I had a very bossy new employee (Associate, like me) telling me what to do and shouting orders at me.  I set some boundaries and told her I have been here for over a year I know what I am doing.  Also there are things you do NOT know about my job (and I told her one), so I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do.  She left me alone after that.  I don't think she will last long.  Our managers don't like backtalk and I'd bet money she will.  

We finally got around to putting the sleepwear on clearance, I had bought the long nightgown when I visited my parents as my 3X was comical.  This is an XL.  It is very comfortable.  

I slept pretty well and woke up with Biscuit in my bed like some sort of love emissary.  He was adorable, then he left and Cleo came.  Hard to get up!  But I did.  Spotty came and got in my lap during God Time so he got his love too.  I missed them a lot and I am very pleased they did so well.  I know I lean way too hard on my cats for emotional support (not calling them emotional support cats); I should be leaning on people.  But no "people" in Houston my aunt is hundreds of miles away, my parents over a thousand.  

While my stepbrothers and sister like me I am sure I wouldn't lean on them unless maybe Dad died.  But Dad is doing very well for his age.  I would like to see him walking more but he's working on it.  He is getting over COVID that was only a few months ago, and he did not take any of the treatments.  She bounced back better than Dad but he is diabetic with a bad heart.  But he's still getting around, I just didn't like watching him get in and out of a car, it reminded me of Ron.  

So I leave for work in an hour.  I still can't get my phone to work.  Next step is to recruit the techy guy at work to help.  Maybe he can get it.  He works in a department he is not with HR or anything but is known for helping with app issues.  I will see if I can get him to help today.  

I hate asking for help.  I really, really, hate it.  But if I can get it fixed I will.  

Enough about work.  I am debating if I should bring my debit card to work.  My medication should be in pretty quick and I don't know if it is 3 months or 1 month.  If it is 1 month I can pay that out of cash.  If it is 3 months I will have to use my debit card.  But I work tomorrow so it doesn't matter, I can get it after work tomorrow if it is the big prescription.  I probably shouldn't leave it in the breakroom (in my bag) anyway might encourage snooping/theft.  Not that anyone wants what I take.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 Feeling better; slept great last night for a change and woke up with Biscuit.  I had a nice cuddle with him for a half hour.  It is odd to me I am getting all my physical affection from cats.  I can see I will have problems when Biscuit dies as a result because I will be losing all that.  But I still love him, go ahead, break my heart.  

So I got up and went to work.  I put on my cooking t shirt, an old ratty black t shirt that is not fit for the public (stains/rips) so I cut a notch in the back neck so I won't mistake it for a good shirt.  I use them for cooking.  My turkey was thawed so I took off my wedding ring and went to work.  I browned it in the skillet with some lard and Italian Seasonings.  When it was done I portioned it into 4 containers, poured a little tomato sauce (I had a small can) over the top, added some shredded cheese, and stirred it up really well.  Into the fridge.  Then I made a chicken salad for tonight's dinner.  The Italian stuff will be lunch.  

I attempted a few more things with the app for work but was unsuccessful, I will have to use the computer to log in.  If I can grab a manager I plan to ask for a work phone.  We are all supposed to be getting them and that should help me out a lot.  I know how to take care of things, too.  So I am done with that for the day.  

I fed the cats and also let Biscuit eat a little shredded cheese I dropped due to shaking hands.  My Dad is a good 30 years older than me and has a pretty interesting tremor himself, so did my birth mother I am told, enough that she could not play the piano anymore (she was very good).  He is looking into a non surgical treatment for it, if it works I will tell you what he did.  But he didn't say it was OK to talk about so I will assume it is not.  

I also let Biscuit lick the can of chicken.  He had a good couple licks at the broth.  I am OK with him eating chicken, his urinary food is chicken based, it is fish I worry about for him.  In my opinion fish is poison for a FLUTD cat.  My experience every time I fed fish cat food they got blocked.  So I don't feed it.  The rare times I feed wet food it is a turkey based one.  

All I need to do is take my shower, God time, get dressed.  It will be funny wearing my support socks as I only wore them for flying.  I don't think I needed them on the plane I was only in the air for, what, 4 hours but better to be careful.  

I do hate putting them on but I like what they do for my legs; they feel much better with the socks.  So I keep wearing them.  I gave Dad a new pair if he likes them I will send him a couple more pair.  He said he has a little trouble with one leg swelling due to bad veins.  So it sounds like he might be willing.  

He was talking about maybe going to Hawaii next year, that would be great.  He has not been in a long while and he got hurt the last time he was there.  A wave knocked him down and he pulled a tendon off the bone, had to have surgery to fix it.  The socks would be great for that plane ride.  We will see I was unclear on what Mom wanted.  

I plan to get some mayo at work today I really need it.  I forgot to look at the local grocer the other day when I went.  I also need to run by my bank and get cash for the drivers (3 rides this week) and also cash/deposit a check Mom gave me.  I plan to use my gift money, what I got, for fun things and not business/home stuff if at all possible.  Like the money my aunt sent, one thing I will do is place a Swanson order and get some probiotics, some nice soap as it has been ages since I did that.  I still have the $100 Dad sent me for getting below 200 pounds and I have maintained that.  That is a trip to the thrift store when my aunt comes down which will be a while.  

She was really clear it won't be the next couple weeks.  So I need to work on my eating in the meantime so I will be slim when we go for new clothes.  Since the 18's are fitting I would look at the 16's and any dark colored 18's they might have, I need some dark 18's with good pockets.  I do have 1-2 that work for now though.  

I did not log everything I ate last week and I am back on track with that.  I got some aspartame drink mix at the grocery store the other day and drank it all, I am back to plain water/tea now and will stick with that.  I need to get some of the big decaf iced tea bags now that I am thinking about it.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday evening

 Well I had a wasp get on my foot and climb my leg (both foot and leg were bare as I was wearing my shorts) earlier.  That was pretty intense.  I was terrified to swat it as I worried it would sting me and it had a significant stinger.  I really didn't want it getting my foot.  

I went in the house very carefully, got a takeout menu and flicked it off.  I don't know where it went but it's not on me.  

I laid down for a little bit and worried about work.  The work app on my phone is not working anymore.  I can't figure it out.  It used to be when I got the notification code on text message it would show the code.  It no longer does that and when I open the text message the work app boots me.  So I have to log in and out in personnel but that is not always available.  So a source of some stress.  I will ask for a work phone they have been handing them out and see if I can get that to work.  I don't really want a work phone but if I have to I will.  

I don't think a new personal  phone will fix it.  I have looked at all my settings and they are fine.  I can only figure it is the app.  

Enough about that.  Spotty got up on me it was adorable.  My Mom is out of town visiting her "real" 😂 daughter I think.  So Dad told me to call his phone when I'm ready.  

I am going to check the mail.  The other night I saw a very creepy white guy walking down the street, not on the sidewalk and I just got a bad hit off of him.  I used to leave the front door unlocked when I checked the mail but not now.  My neighborhood is comprised of blacks, latinos, and asians all well groomed.  So a scruffy white guy raises a red flag.  

When I was outside I saw a brown tabby kitten, I am almost certain a male, and not fixed.  It was very skittish but obviously someone's pet as it was very healthy looking.  I am curious to see how Biscuit and the gang react if it tries to come in the cat door.  No, I don't want it.  I have enough cats.  I can't afford the ones I do own.  But I won't chase it off, either.  If I ever meet the owner I will tell them about our local spay and neuter clinic.  Male cats are often hit by cars as they reach adolescence and go in search of females.  It's a tough life for a tomcat.  

Females, poor things, are often pregnant by 6-9 months when they are still babies themselves.  That's why I got Cleo fixed first and then Spotty, back in 2019.  As far as I know the vet did not have to do an abortion on Cleo like she did her mother but I let the vet know I would not want to know anyway.  And I feel terrible about doing the abortion on Mama Cat.  I had my reasons, I couldn't manage the cats I had, but I do feel bad.  I just did it without seeking God's voice in the matter.  

So I would never blame a human for that.  It's not my place.  I have blood on my hands.  A life is a life as I see it.  Boy that got depressing fast.  

So I will talk to my Dad.  I am curious to see how Grandma is holding up she doesn't do well with change, but I guess Dad will tell me what he knows.  So far she is doing well; so's Dad.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday early afternoon

 Depressed and lonely!  Can't lean too hard on family as they are all committed.  I think that is a good way to put it.  

My aunt found a nice floor in budget she is happy with that.  But going to lunch and then picking up grand kids.  And I am sitting in my chair with my head turned around watching Biscuit in the litter box because I thought he was blocked again for a minute.  He was not...I got a real good view though.  😂

One last thought on clothes for a while.  This is said in love for all parties and I am deeply grateful the man made the choice he did.  So I moved to Houston to work for a woman here.  I did not know she chewed up assistants like tic tacs and that's why she had to go all the way to California to find a fresh victim.  I believe she was bipolar, she also had severe dyslexia which meant we used an antiquated computer systems that were a massive pain.  She was a tyrant.  Her favorite thing was to ask if I had plans with Ron and then, at the last minute, demand I work late so I would miss my date with him.  I started bringing my ham radio so I could notify him, she got very upset at that...anyway I was desperate to get out.  I had never worked as a waitress but I applied at a couple of places.  

The Black Eyed Pea called me back.  He later said the "Built my own computer" line in the resume caught his eye as they had recently gone to a computerized order system and some of his servers were having trouble.  I was so desperate to get the job I wore a long flowy skirt and a cheap, tight, low cut top.  I figured I had to degrade myself to get the job and I was truly desperate.  I think I even wore a push up bra.  

I am not good at these things but as I shook his hand I realized he was gay.  He looked down at the cleavage and looked me in the eyes, and said "You're really desperate, aren't you?"  I said yessir I was and I would really appreciate a chance.  

And that's the last time I did that.  God sent the one manager who could not be manipulated.  And I was really bad at that anyway.  [all love to the manager in case you couldn't tell]

So I won't be picking anything like that up unless I remarry which I think is less likely than a year ago.  I am lonely, yes, but I get to live my life my way (in God's parameters).  My store does have a mature/plus sized lady section but I seldom see something and say "That's for me".  

So I can't talk to my aunt (which is OK I am a satellite moon in her universe and OK with that, life revolves around kids and grand kids), Mom and Dad are no doubt in crisis mood with "Grandma".  It is interesting I had 3 and one I felt really adored me.  I am sure it's not so but my paternal grandma I always felt like the favorite.  My mothers mother loathed me when she found out I had married a black man.  She had nothing but hatred for me after that so it didn't matter when she died.  My sister did give me her (unread) Bible.  Allegedly my maternal grandmother was saved (but hated blacks?) so I may see her again.  Funny to think about her with Ron.  If anyone could win her over he could.  

I am so glad he died when he did and we didn't have a worse decline.  It gets really awful with Alzheimer's.  As it was he still knew me and knew he loved me.  I really needed to hear that from the Medical Examiner.  And I wrote the ME (the one who did Ron's exam) a thank you letter too.  I am very glad I did that I venture he doesn't get a lot of that.  But it was obvious from the report he had done a very detailed exam.  And I'm sure he wondered how I would take it or if I would even catch it.  It didn't say "Alzheimer's" it said this and that protein was found that is only found with the disease.  Plus he had scar tissue from the accident of course.

Anyway I am never going to cheer up if I keep writing like this.  

I sat outside for a while which was nice, I am doing dishes (I had a backlog) and soaking in a bleach solution to sanitize.  Then I just need to cook up some ground turkey with italian seasonings and then I am going to put it in some tomato sauce with cheese.  I also need to make some tuna salad, chicken salad.  Then I am good for a while.  Happily I have enough containers.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

 Something I have not shared, my adoptive Mom has a living mother so that means I still have a "grandma" living.  Now, she was in no way close to me and always preferred the "real" kids, which I was OK with, as I had my exceedingly awesome Dad's Mom.  But Dad's Mom died right after Ron's accident (complications of back surgery) so I have basically been without.  

But Grandma, I will call her that, is in Florida now no doubt scared out of her wits.  She has paid caregivers (her husband had a generous pension), and one of them evacuated her to Tampa.  Apparently she was evacuated along with the caregiver's pets so that must have been a wild ride.  I have a text photo of her sitting on a couch with a big dog looking at her (I don't believe she is a dog person).  It doesn't look good for her condo.  

But Mom has a Plan B for that so it will be OK.  She is worried sick, though.  Mom has never been through a hurricane and was asking me about them yesterday.  I don't think she liked my answer and, at the end of it, Ike was not a big deal.  I remember flying out of Hobby the next year and all the roofs had a blue tarp on them.  But on the scale it was nothing like Ian.  I feel bad for all of them.  

My sister is having a house built in Florida but it still belongs to the builder.  She only assumes ownership when it is done and the loan goes through.  

I slept pretty well and woke up with both Cleo and Biscuit in my bed.  Biscuit got on me purring for a while which was fun, lots of petting and hair up my nose but that's OK.  Cleo was nearby and let me pet her a few times, she is still forgiving me.  

Then I checked my bank balance which was better than I had hoped.  I used my entire 32 hours of PTO for my vacation and got paid for all of that.  The next couple pay periods will be pretty lean so I will make it last.  I did buy a few luxuries at the grocery store yesterday which got me up to $37.  I could have had it around $25 if I had not.  But even after that I have "enough" for rides and such.  That is good to know.  

I did my workout (15 minutes as my ankle started yelling), took a screenshot of the display, and sent it to Dad.  I guess you could call it workout buddies we spur each other on.  He said it is very motivating to him when I send the screenshots and I don't want him to end up feeble like Ron.  It was so awful watching Ron get in and out of a car, or just getting to the bathroom.  I don't want that for Dad.  And I can use the exercise anyway.  I noticed my thighs looked a lot better today in my booty shorts.  And I'm not a Spring Chicken either, I am almost 50.  If I don't take action I will end up like Ron, too.  And regular exercise is good for stroke and heart attack prevention.  Sure don't want that.  

So I did that.  When I finished I send Dad his text and then I did my God Time.  God doesn't care if I am a little sweaty and out of breath.  Did that.  

Then I have been wondering about my camo booty shorts the ones in 16/18.  I hadn't seen them in a while.  So I rounded up all my shorts, the gray ones with terrible pockets, the striped ones I got on clearance for $1, some bike shorts I had thought to take to CA but ended up not wearing... and I found the ones I was looking for in the laundry room.  So they are all stacked up together.  

The cats had a good time last night, batting an ant bait around on the floor (it is moved) and throwing my suck em in underwear on the floor in the middle of the night.  And I didn't hear a thing.  I have to laugh at that.  

Yard guy just showed up next door.  There goes Biscuit running down the hall to hide under the bed.  He may limp a little but he can move pretty fast!  

And I got an odd message from the Walmart Pharmacy about my (there goes another cat) "synched prescriptions" being ready soon.  Is that for one month each or three?  I will have to see.  I am guessing one month which means about $25, which I can afford.  

I was telling Dad I might consider Medicaid when I was out there and he did some research on his tablet, he is like me in that.  And found out I can only have $2K in assets.  I have my checking account which hopefully has a few hundred at a time to cover bills, and then I put $250 a pay period into savings to cover escrow expenses... so too much!  I suppose I could lie and cheat, take the $250 out as cash and hide it somewhere but that would not please God.  And Obama care starts at $60 a month he said which is too much for me at my wage...I am between the cracks on this one.  So I will have to keep relying on God.  

Walmart won't give me benefits until I am over 30 hours a week for six months and they are very careful to keep me under that.  Coming up I am working more like 22 hours.  

Now I am just sharing this so you see where I am in life, I don't need a fix.  Maybe I will meet a great guy tomorrow and he will have great benefits, maybe Walmart will make me full time.  Maybe there is another option I will find.  I don't know.  But that's where that is... I was sorry I couldn't give Dad an answer because I know he worries.  

I don't want Dad to worry about me another reason I work out and watch my carbs.  

I have come to a conclusion, if I am embarrassed about sharing something here I need to share it.  So yesterday at the store I bought a box of cream puffs and ate the whole thing.  And I did not weigh this morning.  There.  I was hungry when I got to the store (I forget how long I have to spend on the bus) but I could have planned for that.  I did not and made a mistake.  

Now today is is back to healthy eating because I don't want Dad getting a phone call they found me dead on the floor like my (birth) mother.  She was always very slim I think in part due to smoking.  She was 130 pounds when she died.  If she could get in trouble with her heart at that weight... but she did smoke heavily and drank even more.  

It would have been interesting to see my mother and Ron in a shots contest.  I think they both would have lost.  Ron used to remark he drank the same cheap style vodka she did and how it was a family tradition.  I always wanted to bop him over the head when he said that.  

My mother did an altar call (come up and receive Jesus) a couple of weeks before she died but my sister didn't think it "counted" because it was not her cult.  And yes it is a cult.  I will get more into that one day.  In fact my sister told me my mother had died unsaved which is the worst thing you can say to a believer.  So I spent several months thinking my mother was in hell until my sister let it slip one day.  I was furious but did not say anything, because in her world everyone is going to hell unless they are in the cult.  I have very little contact with my sister as she is always talking about getting me into the cult.  I find them creepy.  Even the pastor (another church) who called me a drug addict and a sinner for taking my mental health meds was better than that.  

I think her kids got out, I am hopeful.  

I am finishing the clothes right now and watching Blue Bloods.  Eventually I will call my aunt and whine about not being able to get Medicaid.  Her boys are fixing up a house (a little more renovation than just flipping) for them (aunt and uncle) and they are picking out flooring today.  

The great thing for me getting flooring I went on Lumber Liquidators website picked out 5-6 samples, paid for shipping and got actual live pieces to strew around.  Then I was able to pick my favorite (bourbon barrel) and order it.  I was completely in charge of it.  I like dark floors, that's what I got.  And they have a nice long warranty.  Best of all water proof.  It would have been horrible if Ron could see and wanted some light toned laminate instead.  So I imagine things are lively at the flooring store today.  A daughter in law, aunt and uncle all debating on flooring, it will be very civil but there will be opinions I'm sure!  

Ron was to the point he really didn't care about fixing the house it was all on me.  And my insurance (I feel bad for them they are in Florida).  It was basically me picking out my house for myself.  Happily I didn't plan it but the paint I picked (Behr Marquee) had a very low odor so it didn't bother him when they painted everything but his room.  Carlos used some kind of glue to hold down the transition piece when we did Ron's room (after Ron died) and the fumes from that were horrific.  The paint was fine though.  Nothing but good to say about Behr Marquee and Lumber Liquidators.  My only problem I had to special order my flooring so it took a while.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

Slept pretty well last night and mood is better today.  I plan to take a shower after my last load of clothes wraps up.  Then God Time and go out.  

Cleo is coming up to me and begging but not as friendly as she was before.  I am sure she will come over eventually.  But I had to go; I just don't know how long I have with my parents.  And traveling was not as bad as I'd feared.  Three new airports but God helped me do it.  Dallas Love was probably the easiest.  

Bush is remodeling and expanding so it was somewhat confusing but not hard to get to the Southwest gate from the Southwest check in.  And all the Southwest people I dealt with were great, very nice, and did not make me feel stupid when I asked "dumb" questions.  

This will probably sound odd but one thing I saw at my parents house (I don't consider it "home" because I never lived there) made me feel very welcome.  The guest bath had a toilet ring.  It was not overly obvious but during my clog drama I noticed it.  And I thought to myself that ring would have been scrubbed off for a guest but I am family so she forgot/didn't bother.  She would be horrified to find out I noticed.  But it made me feel welcome.  

I also thought it was cute she scouted the house after I left and the only thing I forgot was a hairclip.  I use them in the shower after I wash my hair, if I apply conditioner (I did some days) I would put it up in the clip and finish washing, then rinse out my hair right before I got out of the shower and put the clip back.  But it was clear plastic so I missed it.  I told her to throw it out but she said she would save it for my next visit.  Glad they want me again.  

I am down to 189 now so only 2 pounds to where I was before.  But I ate pasta, waffles, ice cream, and cake just that I recall off the top of my head.  That's not bad, only 3.5 pounds.  And now down to 2.  I will get back.  

I put my "nice" dress in Ron's closet along with my wedding gown and a few other dressy items.  I have some 24W clothes in there I need to put in the garage.  I think I will put my t shirt dresses in there too.  I only wear them when my aunt comes to visit or I go see my parents.  But the t shirt dresses are drying right now.  

I also need to go through my t shirts and categorize them by size.  I really am a Men's Large now so I have stuff ranging up to Men's 3X.  I need to decide if I am going to put all the big stuff in the garage or keep wearing it.  If I keep wearing it I don't have to buy new, so there's that.  But I would like stuff that fits.  I am open to opinions on the subject.  

At work we have gotten rid of the Junior's t shirts I found I liked it is all long sleeve now.  I don't like long sleeves not even in the winter.  I will wear a jacket over short sleeves but I don't like long sleeves for some reason.  

So I will look at that.  I think the big stuff is OK to wear it's just baggy.  

I had probably also better wash my Amazon jacket I got for Prime Day.  That was $20 and it is very nice and thick.  I may have a problem fitting it in my bag but I will figure it out.  But I haven't washed it.  That is a nice ivory color should make me easy to see at the bus stop.  

Work has a long sleeved cream colored sweatshirt but no hoodie in cream.  Just a light gray that is about the same hue as my pink hoodie so I guess I will just wear the pink one.  I have a couple of hoodies already and don't feel like I need another one.  Besides I already have the cream colored shirt I bought one last year.  It is $2 more this year, though.  

I need to figure out my gift cards and such as well.  What I will spend them on.  I am thinking to use the Vanilla card for snacks.  That would last me a while.  Sometimes after a long day on the weekend (even a short day feels like a long day on the weekend: dog years) I would like a nice cold Diet Dew.  I could use the card for that.  I am liking that.  

I plan to use my Walmart gift card (a gift from my older brother and his wife) on some sort of fun thing be it clothes or an appliance sort of thing.  

Mom and Dad gave me a check.  I want to use that on something fun not just groceries but have not figured out, what, yet.  

My aunt deposited money in my account which was very easy for her as she's on it.  I may use that to place a Swanson Vitamin order I feel like I could use some probiotics and some nice soap.  

All this my next pay is going to be pretty low (not because of the vacation I get that pay tomorrow and I used paid time off for that), so I need to factor that in as well.  

The clothes are done, they weren't dry yet so I will finish them tonight.  That's it for now.  

A little depressed

 I hope I do better tomorrow.  It is exhausting.  

I just hope I can get up the juice to get my groceries.  

On the plus side Biscuit got in my lap again.  

Some before and during photos

I think it is OK to mail things now I got both my credit card and my insurance renewal.  Insurance renewal was confusing but it says NOT A BILL so I think I am OK.  

Clothes...I brought one nicer dress and 3 t shirt dresses.  She liked the nicer one and the rose colored t shirt dress, and the teal, but did not like the army green one.  So I didn't wear it.  We got a couple of t shirts.  I think she would rather I wear a pair of jeans and bring some t shirts and a nicer dress.  

She did tell me the XL t shirt was too big so I am in men's Large now?  That was a shock.  And the NOBO Junior's t shirt at work fit great in a 21 but sadly they are discontinued at my store for the winter.  I have a lavender and a turquoise.  I think I will be wearing the turquoise a lot.  

I washed everything.  I will hang it all up when dry.  

I got a nap.  Unfortunately ION TV is now doing Criminal Minds on Monday.  I find Criminal Minds vastly depressing, I used to like it years ago but found my mood always tanked after watching it.  So I can't watch my favorite TV channel.  They do Chicago Fire on Tuesdays which I like as it is more upbeat in spite of some of the story lines; pranks and such counteract the tragedy.  So, no TV for me.  

I went through all my email it didn't take as long as I thought.  I don't regret leaving my tablet at home and I didn't even ask for the wi-fi password.  Didn't miss a computer.  

I have a Google account and was able to figure out I could just Google "blogger" on my phone which is always signed into my account, and pull up a template for the blog.  That took a couple of days though.  

I got some cash and gift cards for my birthday.  One is a Vanilla Visa I am a little confused how that works but will figure it out.  I am thinking to maybe use it for work snacks?  It is $25.  That might be nice.  I also got a check I will need to deposit.  My aunt did a direct deposit into my account which is awesome.  And I got a Walmart gift card pretty sure I will use that for something "fun" at work and not groceries or whatever.  

I can't really talk about it but I feel better getting groceries at a local store near my home.  The prices are cheaper, for one.  Work has better prices and selection on canned meat so I did get some, there, yesterday.  And if I don't get the mayo tomorrow at the grocery store I will likely get it at work.  And that is all I would want to say on that.  

I hate to be evasive but I have to assume Corporate might read this one day.  So that's all on that.  

My parents are involved in a "Grief Care" class for people going through loss (death) of a loved one.  It is a whole program that meets once a week for months.  Dad showed me his notebook, it had a lot in there.  I am going to ask them if they would send me a notebook it might be helpful.  They also do some other outreach work which is one reason I feel they are so sharp.  

Ron's parents: very little human contact just sit and watch TV all day.  Mom and Dad: go out for walks with friends (her) every day, walks together, Dad goes to gym at fitness center to work out, both involved in ministries together, good social groups, Dad involved in Veterans group as well (he is a Vietnam era Vet although he did not serve in Vietnam), etc.  Ron's parents: dementia, nursing home, long miserable death.  Mom and Dad: still active physically and mentally.  They also eat a good variety of foods.  They ate "bad" things while I was there but after I left it took her 2 days to finish my leftovers from one meal.  I would like Dad to be a little more robust but he isn't doing bad for 81.  He gets around a lot better than Ron ever did.  

I feel smart, I just figured out my "no volume" online problem.  I won't bore you with details except to say it was a Windows 7 thing.  I really like playing my praise and worship music when I am awake and at home, it's very important to me, I've got that back so very happy.  God gets all the credit.  

Ron used to call me a "Little glory-grabber" in a very affectionate tone of voice and some of that applies.  But I am using this whole thing - the last several years - as a teachable moment to improve things that could use some work (like my weight, pride issues, etc).  I hope I can manage the pride issue while losing weight I would hate to get immodest.  Not slutty just not giving God the credit and bragging a lot.  

I am losing weight because God enabled me to figure out what my metabolism needs, that is all.  And I was smart enough to download an app to help.  Oh, I forgot.  I had Mom and my aunt send me some before photos.  

Here is a good one:  

A month ago.  

So I will ask God to keep me humble on that.  I don't like arrogance and I know I am prone to it.  You can make your own determination on that and if I need more work.  

I am happy I have some good jeans that fit well.  Wednesday is week 3 of my cycle so it will remain to be seen if I have it on week 4 or 5-6 like it has been going.  And I already lost a pound of my gain so I am happy about that.  3.5 pounds isn't bad considering how I was eating, waffles for breakfast, cake, ice cream sundaes, pasta dishes with wine sauce, etc.  

And really how long am I going to have them?  Where we can enjoy each other?  Better to go now while they're still bright and lively.  I don't want to go only after the stroke or whatever (although Dad takes blood thinners so not worried about that).  So we went, we ate, we had a good time, I can and have been losing it again.  Worst case I will probably look at 2-3 weeks.  

The cats did fine with me being gone.  They missed me, that was clear, but I came back and they were happy to see me again.  Spotty is still retching I think he is about to lose a hairball in Ron's bed but when I put him on the (hard) floor he got up on the bed again.  That will be the only punishment.  Cleo has been a little distant but she's coming around.  I have to remember she was feral.  

My aunt was complaining the price of Coke has gone up to $13 a case, she wasn't happy about that.  She has a large extended family so she may have to do the name on the solo cup and the 2 liter bottle of pop routine.  We'll see.  

As far as I know YES Walmart is closed on Thanksgiving.  So I will need to figure out what I'm doing for dinner.  I have some ham ends my aunt saved from a family reunion ham (a very large one), so I could make some lentils with ham at home.  I don't plan to go anywhere; we have a "superfeast" downtown for people like me but 1.  A lot of homeless attend and 2.  Questions about food safety as I know I will be working that Friday.  3.  Long ride on the bus each way. 

I hope to catch a mega bus ($20 from here to her) to see her next year sometime when it is not busy for her.  Or maybe she can come down.  We will see.  

That's it for now.  It is HOT and the AC is running.  Hopefully the bill won't be too bad next month.  

Most of my trip photos have my parents in them and I don't feel comfortable putting them online but here is one of just me:  

Doesn't my hair look blond?  It is the lighting.  

Sunday night

Done with work for the day now 3 days (unpaid) off in a row.  

Work was fine.  I did some shopping after work.  They had the cat food, canned chicken, and yogurt.  I got the very last yogurt.  They did not have the tuna.  

Long lines to get out but I made it.  I did not make the bus, and had to wait on the next one.  Got home eventually.  

I put up my stuff, talked to Biscuit, who was upset at me leaving again.  He got in my lap after shouting at me.  And cats can yell, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  

He got in my lap for a while.  When he got up I took a walk in the park for half an hour, came home, started a load of laundry, and my parents called.  We talked, I ate some dinner.  

I plan to go to bed early tonight.  

Sunday morning

 I slept great in my own bed and woke up to all 3 cats in it.  Cleo and Spotty are still a little reserved but they will come around.  I have left Biscuit before for those blind vendor conferences. He's been fine but he was eyeing my work bag as I got it ready.  

I am glad I paid my friend to give me a ride to work today I would not have wanted to get up at 3.  About all I did last night I put the clothes in the laundry room and left them.  I will work on them tonight/tomorrow.  

Mom put up photos on Facebook I will copy them to my hard drive and post them I think.  In one of them the lighting is so intense I look blonde.  Dad said he liked my hair down so I tried to do that as much as possible (not exercising).  

They live in a very nice planned community with a gym, walking trails, and a fitness center and it is up on a hill so I don't have to worry about them flooding.  Good.  They have a very nice neighborhood Walmart the big Walmart is a little icky but not too bad.  Not like my store which is a dump, at least until we get our remodel.  

They each have a car but mainly ride around in hers and she drives 98% of the time.  If he has a board meeting or a veterans group meeting he will drive his.  

I am glad I only have one day of work I feel like I need a day to recoup from my trip.  I was happy to see I could run so fast for that other gate and didn't get out of breath.  I guess I have better cardio capacity than I thought.  

We did talk a walk every morning.  Both Mom and I want Dad exercising more so I am going to ask them every day what they did and also work out some on my own to prod him.  They both get around pretty good for 80 year olds so I am happy about that but Dad does have trouble getting out of his recliner.  He has a cozy setup.  

My ride should be coming any minute I will go for now.  

Ok I have a little time

So Monday my cab driver buddy gets me to the airport 3 hours early.  TSA was not bad and they had me go through the X ray vs the machine where you hold your arms over your head.  That also happened on the way back.  

I got to my gate and sat down.  There was a very manic, agitated man (I am amazed they let him fly at all) sitting next to me in the waiting area.  At one point he took off his shoe to show me how he had half his foot amputated due to diabetes.  Yuck.  He boarded first and I avoided him, got to sit by a window even.  Plane was very late leaving but I made my connection in Dallas as it's only a half hour by air from Houston Bush to Dallas Love.  

I liked Love easy to find your way around.  Sodas were $4 a bottle though.  I caught my flight out to CA had to sit on an aisle seat which I found I liked, and no one had their blind open so I didn't get to look out.  I am very fond of looking out the window.  Small problems.  

Got to the airport.  There is a big escalator.  I really, really, hate escalators.  I managed to find the baggage claim (I only brought my backpack, which I carried) and got picked up.  We went to their house which was about an hour away.  

We ran by a Walmart as we needed some things.  My area in the store was very badly done.  I found that interesting.  The rest of the store was fine.  I used my discount card.  

I made them dinner which they said they liked.  We talked, I went to bed.  

I mainly hung out with them for the next couple days.  We did walk every day which I felt was important.  I ate off plan but tried to get the majority of my food as low carb ketoish foods.  

My only real gripe I am used to a garden tub and they had a standard shower.  So it felt a little cramped to me.  But the water pressure was good and plenty of hot water.  

Mom was not crazy about my t shirt dresses and bought me a couple of t shirts.  She talked me into trying a men's L instead of the XL I had been planning to get and I found it fit great.  So I got one.  

You know the drill skip to the +++ if you want to avoid the icky.  I did have a problem I was constipated.  I mean, nothing for days.  Then yesterday a massive one that clogged the toilet.  I was very embarrassed.  I wished I had my poop knife.  But I did not.  Then when I was on the plane today another huge one.  I managed to hold off until Dallas and took care of it there.  But it almost clogged the airport toilet.  I ate plenty of fiber I am baffled.  ++++

This morning I got up very early and they dropped me at the airport at 6.  It was fairly busy, busier than Houston was at the same time.  I got through security and managed to find my way to the gate.  I got an aisle seat this time and read a book I had picked up at a thrift store.  I finished it.  

I got off and they had changed my gate.  So I went to the new gate.  Spent some time.  Heard a guy yelling about Houston at another gate way down the jetway.  Asked at the desk, that was my new gate.  So I had to run down there.  I just barely got on in time.  But I did and another window seat.  I enjoyed looking out.  Got off figured out where to meet my buddy and we got going.  

Came home, saw Cleo who ran away.  Spotty came out and meowed at me for a minute.  I did not see Biscuit.  

There was a problem while I was gone.  I did not hold my mail (will next time).  Someone robbed the mailman and stole the master key.  But my mail was all there so that was good.  I came back and went to the bathroom, Biscuit came in the bathroom and yelled at me for a while.  It was a very different meow.  I gave him a can of turkey shreds in gravy and he got in my lap for a while.  He eventually left so I did a few things.  

I am going to bed early.  That's it for now.  

I think Biscuit forgave me

 He yelled at me when I got home.  They had not eaten much food over the week.  I gave him a can of wet food which he ate; then he got in my lap.  

He is still in my lap so I may not do an in depth blog tonight.

In Dallas

 I have a while here.  I have plenty of snacks and within budget on snack fund.

Uneventful ride just got some berry juice on my $3 tshirt.  Not worried about that.  Will pile up all clothes in laundry room and wash Monday.  I didn't really find any clothing but did pick up a few plain t shirts.  So I basically just have what I brought.  That makes life easier.  

I did get a few small gifts it being my birthday but they packed well.  I wasn't sure about the candle in the metal tin but TSA was cool.  Will talk more about TSA when I get home (not bad).

I think I will look around a little.

 Toilet finally fixed itself.  

At the airport waiting on first flight, the long one.  A little uncertain navigating a new airport but I did it with God's help.  Feel comfortable here now.

Would come back.

Should have brought a poop knife

 Clogged the toilet.  Very embarrassed about that.

Got good boarding positions for tomorrow very happy about that.  I think we are staying in and eating leftovers tonight.

That's it for now.

 Doing ok.  Not depressed.  Had a nice fresh peach for breakfast.  🍑

Lunch with my sister today.  Had dinner at my brother's house on Wed.  Tri tip beef very tasty.  Mainly hanging out with Mom and Dad.

Made it a couple days

 Dont mail anything!  My mailman was robbed and the master key stolen so my mail isnt safe.

Uneventful flight except for the diabetic taking his shoe off and showing me how he lost half his foot.

Parents are great thrilled to have me.  Meeting all the friends.  Saw brother and his family they are good.

Everyone going above and beyond to accommodate my eating plan.  Went to farmers market and bought 3 pints fresh and perfect berries.  Strawberry, blackberry, and raspberry.  Have eaten all the blackberries.  Averaging about 100 carbs a day and only up one pound so far.

Today a long walk, do those every day, then Dad wants to take me to in and out burger.  Later on all their friends are meeting us at a gourmet ice cream place.  They have sugar free options.

Woke up with a bad headache at 2 AM but the Excedrin killed it.  I am wide awake now though.

Mom and Dad seem very happy here which makes me happy.  They have an active social life, exercising, eating right, happy together.

I brought enough stuff not too much or little.  Happy about that.

Haven't heard from Jack about cats but I assume no news is good news.  Feel bad for the poor mailman though.  

That's it for now!

That's it for now

 Almost time to leave.  Did not have room to fit tablet in my bag so leaving that.  I will be fine I will have my phone.  Cats are good.  

I need to get dressed and ready to go.  Bag is already packed but I need to whack off some chunks of cheese and put that in my bag.  

I will miss you but I will aim to have fun.  

First post

The big day is here!  So far only glitch the tablet got unplugged so I am charging that.  Once it is 100% I will put it in the bag along with the charger.  The thing about a Fire tablet is it has a different plug than my cell phone so 2 chargers required.  Not a big issue.  

I still haven't decided if I will download the Blogger app or not.  You will of course be the first to know if I do.  If I do it won't be long posts but at least keep you up to date.  

I did not sleep well as expected but hopeful I can sleep on the plane if possible.  

A lot of moving pieces going into my day today but I will get it all.  Well God will get it all I am just going.  I tend to make things more difficult than they are in real life.  

I did reset Carb Manager to maintaining weight vs. losing which "gives" me an extra 400 calories a day. That should be plenty of wiggle room.  

I will have various family members making meals for me so that will be interesting I did give them a quick rundown of likes/dislikes.  I did mention I love lemon so lemon anything would be awesome.  But we can do things like rotisserie chicken and all for days Mom doesn't want to cook or go out to dinner.  I plan to be an easy guest.  

And I will do my best not to talk about keto all the time people don't want to hear it.  If they ask me questions, yes, but not going on and on about it.  It is easy to do with a new eating plan.  

Cats are good I gave them a can of "worms in gravy" aka Turkey Shreds.  They were all yelling their heads off when they saw the can in my hand!  I have 2 more cans.  One for when I get back, I like to have a reserve can as well.  They are really good cats.  

I have decided I am going to have Jack keep the key.  It will be very useful to have someone with the key in my neighborhood.  If I lose the keys, get robbed, etc. he can open the door and let me in (I have an extra key in the house).  He is trustworthy as well.  And I don't have anything people want.  I have a little bit of used clothing, a 24 inch TV, 24 inch computer monitor, old wi fi router, old computer, a lot of Bibles, scripture booklets, and candy...and 3 cats I love but nothing anyone would want.  

I had the blinds cracked on one window I decided to close them.  I also put my timer outlet on a schedule when I might be awake and have that set to go on and off.  It worked last night.  I am as ready as I can be.  

Now I need to take my shower and shave my legs.  I am bringing a razor (with safety cover) in my bag.  If they don't let me keep it I will just buy another one in CA.  That's it for now.  

187.6

I slept pretty well and woke up with 3 cats in my bed.  Spotty was lying on my hand, cutest baby ever.  They all are.  

Biscuit is lying on his back with a leg in the air.  Cleo is happy I gave her some yogurt last night, who would have figured she would be so food motivated?  I give her plain whole milk yogurt, about a tablespoon.  I figure the probiotics are good for her.  She's eaten it before and seems to like it.  

I don't remember my dreams but I had trouble sleeping last night.  I did wake up and find I am down another half a pound.  That is a total of over 5 pounds lost this month.  Lower calorie keto with exercise and intermittent fasting.  I also bring my own food to work that helps a lot.  Saves me money too.  

I will need to fix some tuna for my lunch today but that shouldn't take long.  I am giving myself 20 minutes to blog/rot my brain on the internet.  It will be interesting because I will not be online much, if at all, the next week.  I will have my tablet and phone but that is it.  

And I am seriously considering downloading the Blogger app.  My work app isn't working anyway so what's the harm?  

Carb Manager was a little glitchy loading this morning but I tried to open it before my phone had finished booting, I think.  So my fault.  They have a little avocado as their mascot and it looked very sad in the error window.  When I get my carbs right the avocado has a party when I tell the app I am done logging for the day.  It's cute.  

Dryer just went I need to check on that.  Jeans are ready for tomorrow, already have shirt and bra picked out.  Doing compression socks so that's done...then just need underwear.  The new smaller ones are working out very well for me.  If they work on a work day they are good to go because I am very active.  Then a few little things like clean out the sink so Jack can fill the water bowl if need be, things like that.  

I went to sleep last night and woke up about an hour later.  It was hard getting back to sleep.  I have a lot of pieces with the traveling coming up.  But I will get it all with God's help.  Well God's going to get it I just have to listen...

All ready to go.  I will have a fair amount to do tonight even though I am mostly packed.  

If you pray I can always use support.  Thank you!  

That's it for now.   

Saturday night

 I had a good ride to work with my cab driver buddy.  He confirmed we are on for Monday morning.  

Got to work, boss was in nitpick mode it was exhausting.  She asked me to do something then got mad something else wasn't done.  I told her "You wanted me to do the first thing".  She does not work tomorrow.  

I used the computer in personnel to log in and out.  It worked OK.  I also got my schedule for the week of the first, pretty standard stuff.  

The girl supposed to relieve me did not come.  I told them I couldn't stay because I was meeting someone at the house.  She said OK (not the cranky boss, another one).  I left 10 minutes late though.  Got to the bus stop and found something unspeakable.  

As in I will not tell you what it was or even hint.  It smelled very bad and I was downwind sitting as far away as possible.  

It got me thinking, if I had someone in my life who loved to drive me around, would I EVER ride the bus?  And the answer was likely no.  Which is why I don't have someone to drive me around (for free).  I was very happy to see the bus and it was nice and cold.  It was very muggy today and it rained a little on the way home.  

My jeans were very comfortable.  I got them at the thrift shop, they don't have any tags on the inside someone wrote "6W" with a permanent marker and they were marketed as 16W which they are.  The button says "Talbots" on them and they seem very well made so I believe it.  They fit very well.  The other ones I am really liking are the Lee size 18 midrise bootcut I am taking with me.  So I will wear these again today.  

That is the bad thing about people coming over, I have to keep my clothes on.  Normally by now that bra would be gone and I would be wearing my t shirt and the booty shorts.  Can't wear that in front of a guy I'm not married to or, worse, his wife.  I don't know who all is coming over.  I can take off my shoes, brb.  

He is on the way.  It won't take long just give him the key and tell him 2 cups a day.  Water should be fine and he has a dog so he knows to look for that.  

He came by, I showed him the ropes, it took very little time.  He was more concerned which bowl to use so I took away the unused ones after he left.  

Talked to my parents they are excited, took my pills.  That's all good.  I have found the tuna to be very filling so that's what I'll have for breakfast when I leave.  That should hold me for 6-7 hours.  Then I can get into my walnuts and cheese.  I don't want to buy airport food if I can avoid it.  

I have to go to bed now, that's it for now. 

PS I may download the Blogger app since the work app is not working anyway.  

Saturday morning

An interesting night I don't know if I will get it all before I have to go.  

First 2 buses were uneventful.  Waiting at the transit center a roll of open toilet paper on the bench... I don't want to know.  A guy came up to a black man sitting on the bench and started with the "hustle" "I want something from you and if I talk fast and say the right things you will give it to me".  Gist of it was guy #2 wanted guy #1's cell phone.  Of course he said no.  The guy whined but moved onto me.  "I just got out of jail and I need to call my Mom" I told him no as well.  I am not handing over my cell phone to anyone.  If someone is having a true emergency I will dial 911 and put it on speaker.  As he left, he said "It's because I'm black!" which is apparently the answer to anything.  

We will ignore the fact that I was married to a black man for nearly 30 years and took complete care of him at the end.  I have no issues but wasn't going to argue, that's what he wanted, me on the defensive.  He got on my bus unfortunately, without paying, and got off near a school I hope nothing bad planned.  If you detect a disparaging tone it is because he was ignorant not his race.  

I got to work and got logged in OK, for once had what I needed to do my job until a customer wanted a price check and the app logged me out.  I could not log in again.  I tried, God knows, but I couldn't.  Tried this morning too.  It is not the password or username that is the issue it is the 2 step notification.  I may go into more on this later.  So I will have to check my schedule and log in/out today in personnel.  I was stressing a lot about it earlier but have given it to God.  I will just focus on working my 4 hours and eating my (planned) 2 donuts before work.  

I am down to 188 so that is official 70 pounds lost since my all time high, about 50 lost since last year.  I am also down a half inch on waist and hips (each).  So that's good.  It will be good motivation to eat on plan next week.  Well mostly on plan.  

I plan to change my carb manager from weight loss -20% calories to maintainer levels.  That should help me stay on track and then get back to weight loss when I get back.  Although I think I am about done for the month it has been 5-6 pounds so far which is a lot for me.  I will be working out a lot too.  

After work I will take the bus home and then clean up the house a little, hide my tampons, that sort of thing, then call Jack and run through the cat care routine (very easy).  Give him the keys.  I have a purple keychain which is easy to find/use.  

I checked the mail when I got home last night and I got 2 things for Ron one of which was an offer to buy the house.  I threw it away.  Where would I live if I sold the house?  Nowhere nice!  Not to mention keeping the 3 cats.  

I had some good time with Spotty this morning.  Sometimes I worry I neglect him but he left me instead of the other way around. 

And I have settled on the gray Lee jeans for my trip.  I am wearing the Talbot (God takes good care of me!) jeans but they don't have good pockets.  I love both jeans though.  But wearing them at work sold me on the gray ones.  I will wear my support socks on the plane as well just to be careful.  I am older.  I m taking Dad a pair of (unopened) socks he can try them on but I doubt he will like them.  I hate putting mine on every day but they really do help with legs/feet.  Sometimes they are crooked but I wear them every day I work.  And I have a good amount.  

And I did it all!  That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 Ride to work was pretty uneventful except for some creepy beetles all over the ground at my second stop.  Why I don't know but I didn't put my bag down because I didn't want to get infested.  I didn't want to the one who brought bugs on the bus/store.  

When I got to the store, as planned, I put my bag up and went out to the apparel section.  I found a single men's t shirt for $6 (boy those have gone up), tried it on it fit great.  You could see I had a waist but it wasn't slutty.  I liked it.  Then I looked around and found some suck em in briefs (a 2 pack) for $11 in my new size which is an XL.  I thought about getting a six pack of the men's t shirts but those are $20 and I couldn't justify it.  So I went with just those.  I paid and went back to the break room, wrapped everything up to avert prying eyes, and stuffed it in my bag (had receipt).  I ate my meal and waited to clock in.  I had some trouble with Carb Manager it kept saying I was offline but the store internet was up.  I rebooted my phone just to be safe.  I was able to clock in/out all day which was great, thank you Lord.  

When I got to work they told me I had overdue CBL's.  They are online classes I have to take, take a little test at the end and then it logs it into my file.  But every time I have asked to do them I have been told they couldn't spare me.  Now all of a sudden they want me to do them now what corporate is noticing.  

I did my job until 9, then went back and did some of the training, enough to get them off my back but not so long they would say I was slacking.  Hopefully that pays off today.  I got out on time and then went home.  I threw my clothes in the wash.  I called my parents and we talked, they are happy to be home and tired.  Mom said she had not bought me any food yet and I said we can hit her Walmart on my way to their house from the airport, she liked that.  But it is cute to see them so excited.  

I went to bed, woke up a lot.  Got up a little late (2 cats in the bed with me) and weighed myself.  188.6.  So down almost another pound, very happy about that.  I am in a "whoosh" right now of losing but then it will stabilize for a couple of weeks until I lose again.  When I get to goal I am going to slowly inch up my calories from my current 1,500 up to whatever the maintainer level will be about 100 calories a week.  That way I don't have any problems.  

That's the plan.  I did make a mistake yesterday, I forgot to bring my medication to work so I had to take it when I got home.  I felt a little embarrassed admitting that to my parents.  I took it with a spoonful of (fake) peanut butter and some plain yogurt and that worked fine.  

I need to get going, will be back.   Almost ready to go; I need to do my hair (only takes a minute) and put my lunch in my bag.  I also just did my water bottle, one day I forgot that and was really thirsty.  I'm not supposed to get overheated per the pharmacist but that is unavoidable, I seem to be OK so far with a lot of water.  

I tried to check my email but Spotty wanted his lovin's.  I didn't give him too much because I am dressed for work and don't want orange cat hair all over my clothes.  But I will get him tonight.  He's a good boy he was purring when I left him.  They have plenty of food and water too.  I only got a little of my email but I got enough.  

Getting ready to go, that's it for now.  

Thursday morning

I have been making it a point to get a lot of sleep lately.  I slept really well last night for a change, woke up I had the blanket on me.  It is getting cooler at night.  I was glad I already had the blanket in my bed.  Plan is to leave this blanket on top of the bed for the cats to have our scent on it to comfort them when I'm gone.  It will also  protect the rest of the bedding.  

I woke up up to 189.2 which is over half a pound down.  I was happy about that, of course.  That's half a stick of butter.  I was looking at my feet today and they look slimmer too which I thought was funny.  You don't think about losing weight on your feet.  Literally losing it.  

So I was happy about that.  I am groggy and somewhat depressed but pleased about the weight loss at any rate.  Almost 3 pounds in a week; let's hear it for my cycle, always good for losing a couple of pounds if I am on track with my eating.  

My youtube music is acting up, most likely my old computer.  I am not stressing about it.  I got out my old cell phone for that, it streams over wi fi - I don't pay anything for the phone.  Messages started acting up about a year ago and the only fix was a new phone.  I use the new phone for Carb Manager and work.  In fact it was funny.  One day a customer came up and wanted me to scan an item.  I opened up the app and realized I had opened Carb Manager.  So I had to wait for it to load, exit, load Me@Walmart, and then scan the item.  The customer was rather impatient so I moved the location of Carb Manager to "the front" of my phone so I don't mix them up again.  

And it was two sticks of butter, not a half.  I checked the butter and 4 sticks = a pound.  

So two of them.  Nice.  I hope I lose some more but we will see.  I really hope I do not blow it in CA.  I would hate to gain anything back but I also have to look at how long do I likely have with Dad and Mom?  What is more important?  Quality time with them.  They will work with me; they are not types to shove food at me and insist I eat it.  

I got up early enough I can do everything before I leave.  Blog, shower, God Time, get my stuff together, etc.  I think I am going to wear the really cute gray jeans.  See how they work before I take them with me.  

I am certain I want to get a t shirt that fits, and likely the suck-em-in (stolen from a customer) briefs from the lingerie department if they have them in my size; we'll see.  If they don't they don't.  

And I just finished a quart of water since I woke up.  I know the water helps a lot.  I have 19 pounds to goal now.  What I may do get to goal, maintain a little bit, and then try to lose again.  Although I am totally happy with the idea of staying at 170.  I am big boned as my parents say I am not petite, my mom used to say I would have an easy time carrying and birthing children.  I have some muscle and even when I was large my aunt would (paraphrased) say I was solid and not squishy.  I will have to see how I look/feel and get opinions from people I trust.  I don't want to get too skinny.  That's not a good look.  I want to feel like it is still "my" body so I am certain I will take a break at 170 for a while.  And it will be easy, I go into carb manager and adjust my calorie goals from "lose 20%" to "maintain" it is an easy fingerswipe and then it gives me the macros I need to maintain.  If/when I get ready to lose again I just tell it so.  

The last times I lost weight I just ate very low carb and kind of went for a ride.  I didn't monitor my macros/food because the apps were all paid and not very efficient to be honest (remember Fitday?).  So I just ate low carb, got on the scale every day, sometimes I went up, sometimes I didn't, sometimes I lost.  I didn't feel in control of the process I was more along for the ride and I didn't like that feeling.  I remember at one point I unexpectedly got down to the 150's and I had a hard time with that, and ended up eating myself out of that pretty quick.  

A couple of reasons behind it no doubt.  My Dad spent a lot of money on therapy for me as a teen so let's see if it paid off.  Big reason Ron told me he would leave me if I ever got fat, and he made it clear he found it abhorrent.  He changed his mind at the end because my fat self was the only one caring for him but he had been very vehement and ugly about weight for a very long time and used to bludgeon me with it.  I felt like losing weight was 1.  Admitting I wanted him around and 2.  Letting him "win".  How's that?  Then also (this is way secondary) I was told a lot growing up I was going to be fat, I was fat, etc. by a couple people in my family.  So I felt like I was doomed to get fat and no weight I could obtain would be acceptable.  But when the Prozac killed my appetite and I wouldn't eat, got skinny, everyone was freaking out.  A doctor basically told me to drink milk whenever I got thirsty and I would be OK so I did that and made it through the Prozac.  

A side note, the times I actually did lose weight Ron was cheating on me with chat lines and telling me I was "fat on the inside" so no guarantee of a happy life there.  Also more attention from men which made me uncomfortable.  Especially now.  I don't want to be tasty!  I want to look good but not tasty if that makes sense.  Figuring that out may take a little work.  Of course the vest at work is great for that, it completely conceals my figure, covers boobs, waist, butt, all of it You can see my arms, legs, and face but that is it.  And I plan to wear Men's Tshirts as I've been doing for years so no popeyes.  I do have a bigger chest and I don't want to flaunt it.  

Unless I remarry, then I can get one of "those" tops from work, bring that home, cook him a nice meal and serve it to him wearing the top inside our home.  Never wear it out, just for him, that sort of thing.  Dad really liked it when I told him about Ron's request that I not wear exciting clothes because he coulddn't see me, and didn't want other men to, either.  Dad loved that.  So I'm not wearing something like that unless I have remarried.  

EXCEPTION being my "booty shorts" which I like a lot and wear at home only.  I wear them around the house, take out the trash, etc. but that's it.  They are very comfortable.  The 20's are getting a little big on me, though, which is fine the waist still fits!   I am glad I bought them before they went away for the year.  

Now I need to find a white/cream hoodie in a 1X or 20-22 so I have something light colored on when waiting at the bus stop in the early morning.  If God wants me to have it I'll find it.  I think in a pinch my light pink hoodie might work.

So we will see how that goes...for now I need to make my tuna salad for work.  I don't want to fight over the microwave at work on my lunch.  Some cultures bring a very large meal in a glass container and take 5-6 minutes heating it up.  Or they have multiple items they heat.  I would just have one plastic bowl for 20 seconds but they don't want to wait (I can see that) and they tend to all go to lunch in a big group so it can be a while...I counteracted that by going to McDonald's and just eating a double cheeseburger, cold, for my lunch.  But now that I am making my own meals I need to either 1.  Do tuna which requires no heating or 2.  Wait in line for the microwave. 

So I will make tuna.  I don't like conflict.  I like to get my food out and eat it immediately on my lunch and I can do that.  I don't always get to pick the time I go to lunch so that works best.  The tuna waits for me in my insulated lunch bag, with the ice pack.  

I will come back but I need to actually MAKE the tuna and get that put up with my other meal (I eat when I get to work and then again when I get my lunch).  

Did my shower, put on new jeans (fit great, even pockets are OK, have the tummy slimming panel).  Nice not to have to take a pocketful of "supplies".  I ate some yogurt and gave the lid to Cleo.  She loves plain yogurt, meows for it, and was very excited when I called her name as she knew what that meant.  I have done that with the cats, I only call them when I have a treat for them, could be useful in emergency.  Later on I will tell you the story how it did save me with Midi.  Anyway she was licking away.  

Midi was a black cat I had at the time of Ron's accident.  He took it hard, I was at the hospital most of the time.  Someone offered to feed him, and did, but neglected to give them water so they were drinking out of a filthy bayou.  When I called him on it he said "You only asked me to feed them" he was a very literal man I believe is on the spectrum.  Anyway one day I had come home to do laundry and catch a nap.  The cats joined me.  When I left Shadow came out with me but Midi ran back in the house.  I could not catch him.  I didn't have food and water in the house and I did not want to give this man my house keys.  So I used the phrase I used when I gave him a treat.  He came out.  He never answered to that again so it's a one-shot deal but it did come in handy.  

Speaking of giving men my keys it is about time to call Jack and ask him to help tonight.  We still aren't on a regular schedule yet but he has been good about helping.  If he can't help I will ask my cab driver buddy for assistance, he has proven helpful with that a few times.  I am going to give it another 5 minutes.  I get anxious about rides at times because I don't want to be stuck overnight at work.  The buses do not mesh getting me home anymore if I work until 10.  So that's an issue.  And Personnel let me know that would be a deal breaker if I asked to go home earlier.  I am stuck.  But it gives me an opportunity to lean on God and trust other people to help, both things I need to work on.  

Speaking of God I did do my God time and had Spotty with me.  He got up on the pillows behind me and put his head on my shoulder, purring.  It was very cute.  It was hard dividing my attention I want to pet the cat of course but I also want to get whatever message He has for me that day, too.  And Spotty likes to walk on the tablet.  Spotty wants to love on me on his terms, not mine, which can make it difficult if he comes up on me as I'm leaving or something.  He will sometimes greet me when I come home.  

They are good cats.  I haven't seen much of Biscuit today I think he is out on the back porch.  He likes it out there.  It is close to the cat door so he can come in easily.  

OK getting ready to call Jack.  OK we are set.  He sounded like he expected me to call.  He is going to come by after work Saturday and go through the routine with me.  I scooped the box today, they don't use it much, will scoop again Sunday night.  He won't need to do that.  All he has to do is put down the food and top off the water if it gets low (I will also fill that up on Sunday but it's fine now).  Then give him the key and explain one little thing about the door.  

I have my vest, did up the candy, have all my "pockets" (stuff I carry in my jeans which is a lot actually), all I need to do is do my hair (letting it air dry) and put my lunch in my insulated bag.  Plan is get to work put up my tote bag, do my shopping, buy whatever, come back and put it in my bag.  If I take the bag with me to shop 1.  I just went on the watch list for security and 2.  Someone will take the spot I like on the cabinet.  Early bird gets the spot.  

Hips and chest are the same measurement now which I guess is a good thing, but I do have today's measurement when I do my shopping.  If they have it, great.  If they don't God doesn't want me to have it.  I do hope I can find a cute t shirt.  I just want something modest but a little more fitted than the sacks I am wearing right now.  

The Juniors sizes I am JUST a 21 but it is very snug and shows off a lot more of my figure than I'd like.  I did bring one of them just to have dinner with the family so they can get a few pictures.  I might get one of me pretending to eat a stick of butter, for instance.  Dad really liked the "fat lost" photo with the cans of lard which are entirely accurate.  I lost, I believe 2.5 pounds this last week it won't last but is nice.  Thinking on it the butter photo might be perceived wrong so I won't do that.  It has been a while since I've been "active" I forgot what that would look like.  

Still have time, I think I will get some water.  I like getting up really early so I don't have to run around.  

Oops forgot to post.  Here it is.  

Wednesday

I had an unpleasant dream about work that woke me up.  Plan had been to sleep late and wake refreshed but that did not happen.   I got up, took my shower, did my God Time.  No Spotty either.  

No wonder I am lonely today.  I haven't seen much of the cats, no special petting time with Spotty, normally talk to my parents every day since Ron died...but they are visiting my (step) grandmother out of state and are maxed out as is.  My aunt has been busy in her town.  I texted a little with a female co worker yesterday but that is about it.  And I am NOT up for riding the bus today.  This is no one's fault.  But I need to figure out a way to interact with others in a healthy, free, way.  

Budget came in.  Good news I have enough for escrow, rides, internet and cell phone...and enough left for groceries.  Still debating getting the "suck it in" briefs which are about an hour's work for me.  I rate purchases by how long I have to work for them.  I think it is fair.  So not whining about money for once.  

I will likely spring for a XL t shirt to wear out to CA as all my 2X shirts are baggy and the 3 X make me look like a little kid playing dress-up.  I want something fitted, not slutty but fitted.  So I will buy one of those single $5 t shirts we sell in the plain color if I can find one (will try it on too).  I can get more in CA at the Walmart if I want.  My birthday is next week so I don't know what I will be given.  

I think the trip is enough, frankly, but my family like to give gifts.  So if I get a Walmart card or something I will likely use that to buy some XL tops so I am not so baggy all the time.  I do plan to wear out my current shirts because they are nice and I like the performance fabric and the colors on the plain cotton ones.  

My birthday and anniversary are very close together, our little joke being I got Ron for my birthday in 1992.  He was so poor he couldn't give me a gift but we made it count anyway.  That's a lot coming up next week, one reason I picked that week to visit.  

It would have been my 30th anniversary with him.  Another reason I elected to spend it around people.  Dad used his Southwest Points to buy the tickets so it didn't cost him cash, wise man.  Mom is going to do the preflight thing?  Where I get a seat?  Make sure I get good seats which will be nice.  I don't want the middle seat.  The last time I flew I was about 30 pounds heavier so it will be easier to fly this time.  Last time I almost needed a seatbelt extender.  

Every anniversary I would think about the fact I had spent more time with Ron in a wheelchair than I had with him out of it.  I didn't mind.  I really didn't mind the physical care, pushing the wheelchair, leading him around when he was "just" blind, stuff like that.  I just minded the drinking and verbal abuse, not feeling physically safe when he was drunk. 

That's why I look forward to meeting him in Heaven, all the ugly will have been purged out of him and just the good parts that kept me sticking around all those years.  That man is delightful.  I always like to tell the story how I found Biscuit getting kicked to death at the bus stop, saved him, brought him home and let him loose on Ron, Biscuit curls up purring and Ron says "Of course we're keeping him".  That's just the reflex.  "Of course".  That was worth loving.  

I am glad I arranged for Jack to come feed them when I'm gone.  He lives nearby so it won't be difficult for him.  Do I offer to pay him?  I don't have a lot of spare cash.  I don't know.  It's only a minute or two a day for 4 days.  

The last couple days I have been trying on various bras at home.  One was not comfortable, two were.  I don't want to take something to CA that makes me look like a cat (8 boobs).  They had a really cute meme of a cat in a bikini let me see if I can find it. 

I found it but too much hassle to upload, etc..Yeah I am having a dumb and can't figure it out.  "Built my own computer" the line in my resume every employer highlighted for the interview.  Ha!  

You can google "meme cat bikini" and see it though.  It will be interesting to see what next week leads... I did ask for the family pie for my birthday.  

It is an adapted black bottom pie recipe with no chocolate.  So it is a cream/pudding layer and then a meringue layer on top, if I recall correctly.  It has been 30 years since I had one but I always liked them.  I can definitely expect that.  I did tell Mom I can't do almonds, chocolate, or crab and gave her a few keto basics of what works and is easy to prepare (chunk of meat with cooked greens as a for instance) so I feel good I will have good meals.  I do plan on some small cheats but also access to walking trails and a gym so I can hopefully burn it off.  My (step) sister (5 years older) and her husband want to see me, my (step) brother who is a couple years older may want to see me as well.  Notable thing about him and his wife they have a white linen couch I was terrified of but feel confident about now.  

And look!  It's SPOTTY!  Be back later.   

I had a big dose of this: 

And some of this: 

No matter how much weight I lose I"m pretty sure I am stuck with the double chin...But I think he is adorable.  

I'm going to miss them next week.  

I am going to sit out in the sun for a while I think that is important.   Did that, got a nap, did some cooking, did the dishes, talked to my aunt, worked out on the exercise bike...a pretty busy day.  

I also made some decaf (I hope!) coffee which I put in the fridge to become iced coffee.  It is pretty good.  Mail hasn't gotten here yet.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

When I got up at 2 I did not have my bank statement but went ahead and paid the flood insurance anyway because my aunt said she had transferred and if she said she did it she did.  And I got the bank statement with the money coming in and going right back out to "flood insurance company".  I did allow myself a little extra money in my checking so I have a little additional now.  I don't think that will hurt me at tax time.  

It is nice to be down to the 180's.  I can't remember the last time I was, at least 10 years.  And I have so many cute clothes too.  I do need to get some new tops, though.  In women's sizes I am still a 20 or 2X but in men's sizes I am a XL.  It tends to run that way.  

About the only thing I would really like is a cream or white colored hoodie I could wear at the bus stop in the morning.  The bus would be able to see me better.  

I need to get going on cooking up my meat.  And then take a shower to wash the food smell out of my hair.  

Checked the weather, some rain coming up on my work days.  Could be interesting.  Friday looks to be most interesting.  I am hoping it does the "Rain in the afternoon after I'm already at work" thing as I will have a ride home and it generally does not rain at night, generally the afternoon here.  

I cooked up some ground turkey with taco seasonings, should be good the next couple days. I am going to let it cool down some before I portion it out.  It was good.  

I have 3 more portions in the fridge.  I am not sure what I will do with my weekend meals but I will figure it out.  

My aunt wanted to talk last night but I had gone to bed...texted this morning she said she would get back to me.  😂😂  And grandbaby #9 hasn't even been born yet.  

I am watching my fireman show today.  I need to go through my backpack and double check everything, and do my laundry. 

But a couple thoughts first.  When I wait out on my second bus I'm at a pretty busy intersection.  I see 2 things every morning without fail, all week long.  First is the tofu truck.  I live in a diverse neighborhood so I have all races around me.  Apparently there is a tofu manufacturer not far away, that truck passes me every morning at 8 AM on the DOT.  I can set my watch by him.  

I am also not far from the local fire station and I see the truck that responded to Ron's call every day (I recognize the number on the side).  I see them every day too, and then when I ride around I see them at a restaurant that has a bunch of advertising for delicious breakfasts.  I am glad they are getting a good meal, they were good guys and very caring the day Ron died.  

And that got me thinking.  So I called 911, the firemen came in and put Ron on the floor (I didn't want to hurt him throwing him down on the floor like they ended up doing), and went to work.  Paramedics showed up eventually and there were 4 of them working on Ron.  They had a procedure and I stayed out of the way, one of the paramedics came over and got the medical history which took a while and the history of how I found him.  Periodically they would put him on a heart monitor and it would be a flatline tone, they would go back to work (they had a CPR machine too).  After what turned out to be a half hour I told the girl it was time to stop.  She said "What?"  I don't think they hear that very often.  

Ron had died on scene at the accident and he was revived, and he was always clear he did not want that to happen again.  I kept thinking of the times he begged me to make sure he was never revived.  How he said he would "Haunt (my) ass" if I ever allowed it.  So she went and got someone in charge and told him what I said, he came over and heard it from me directly.  Then he called his boss and I had to tell the boss.  Then they took the phone, line still open, over to Ron and gave his vitals and what they had done and they officially declared him dead half an hour after they came.  

And I am fine with that.  It's the only thing I could do and live with myself.  I fall asleep just fine never wondering if I did the right thing.   If you ever wondered.  

He was also suffering so much even the day he died that it was a blessing to see his pain end, even though it's made my life a lot harder.  

Just some thoughts today.