Some topics on cheating

The electric bill, came in at $139, $60 less than I had budgeted.  Because of that I was able to buy cat food and make a credit card payment.  But I won't discuss how much I have at present just that I (and the cats) have enough to eat and even buy my donut on Saturday.  I get paid next week and that means I only have to pay the cable and cell phone in addition to some rides to work.  Also escrow of course.  

This could be a big anxiety issue but I am not going to let it, God has gotten me this far He will continue to do it.  I don't buy luxuries.  And I get paid in a week.  

From what I can calculate it will be enough, like it always is.  I am using paid time off for my visit to my parents so I will actually likely make more money out of the trip than I would working standard shifts.  

So I guess finances are going to be a part of the blog because they are a part of my life, but it's just sharing not asking.  Everyone is working hard for less money.  Inflation is eating up the little you do take home.  Even car repairs are more expensive.  For that I am glad I can just shove $20 at my bus card every couple weeks.  

I know God's got me. I'm going to go eat some walnuts for breakfast, they are surprisingly good with some cheese.  It was good.  And I went to all the trouble to buy mild cheddar for Biscuit and he won't touch it.  Good thing I like it anyway, I have the better part of 2 pounds.  

I am watching TV it is free (I have an antenna Ron bought us several years ago), they have a lot of ads for the sports gambling.  I find that upsetting because people get hooked on that just like they do drugs, alcohol, and smoking.  Any chance at all I will find a guy who is not addicted?  

Sometimes I think it's just better to stay single.  Not because I am bitter (God knows I could be) or jaded, but a guy who loves Jesus is not addicted to anything, no family baggage (I could possibly go for being a step mother but no lazy drug addict kid who lives with him), no temper issues, stable employment, etc.  It seems like a big ask.  We will see if God sends anyone.  

Sometimes I think time is so short until the Rapture He won't bother.  I mean God loves me, I know that, but He may say "Heather don't worry about it because you will be up here with me soon enough".  We will see.  I say that a lot.  

I'm not joining any dating sites that is for sure.  The job hunting ones were bad enough, and look, I found my own job on www.walmart.com filling out the application myself online and doing the assessments.  A bunch of sharks out there for sure.  

Especially if they figured out I am a widow with a house and a very modest escrow account.  Sharks.  I just want to live in peace with my cats, even though they won't eat the special cheese that cost me $8.  😂. 

I have a dirty pleasure, I like reading advice columns on my cell phone.  The people always have such terrible lives it makes me feel better about mine.  There was one where a woman's brother in law, who was married, had brought his "polyamory" girl friend into the house to live.  

Ron actually did that 2 x even though we didn't have a name for it.  Unfortunately for me I was in a position where I could not support myself (most of my marriage) so he took care of things but that also meant he had all the power.  If he said "I am moving this girl in to sleep on the couch, and I am going to spend time with her out there at night, and don't you dare open the bedroom door or come out" I didn't have much choice.  Long story, I really didn't have anywhere else to go.  Oh, I tried, they had this roommate program run by the county and I got paired with 2 matches for my income: 1.  House full of pagans who had rituals.  Even though I was backslid I was not interested.  2.  Latino family, toddler, baby, and 2 adults in a one bedroom apartment.  I would have a corner of the living room.  Or I could suck it up.  

Ron was very adamant I had to tell everyone I approved of his exploits.  That we had an open relationship.  Even though I never cheated.  I think men like that have a lot to prove and, in addition to having a sex addiction, have inferiority complexes.  Just my theory.  Anyway I was over a barrel due to finances.  I could not make enough in California to support myself.  

In Texas I can and did and let me tell you Ron had a come to Jesus.  I flipped it on him and said he could go live with his parents or he could be monogamous, no more "chat lines" and cheating.  He decided to stay, but did cheat one additional time I know of.  

But I don't ever plan to be dependent on a man to pay the bills.  Too much can go wrong, I would at least want to work what I am now.  And I own the house so he can't hold it over me like Ron did.  And I'd do a prenup.  

Another thing he did I've never talked about.  He said I had better not make any female friends or he would screw them.  I told him a friend wouldn't do that to me and he related a couple of stories about times he did just that.  He said it was fun "getting away with it" and I guess sticking the knife in your girl's back.  I don't get it.  I didn't believe him and made a female friend at work, her boyfriend threw her out.  She moved in with us and within about 3 days Ron was banging her every night as I lay in bed trying to ignore it.  I blamed her for it and lobbied Ron to throw her out.  She was sleeping around with various guys and telling them where she stayed so we had random irate men coming and banging on our door.  Ron didn't like that any more than I did.  

So after that I made another friend at work.  We went thrift shopping one time and one time to pick up contacts for me, had a meal.  She orders a pitcher of beer, drinks most of it, and says there comes a  time in a friendship where it becomes sexual and even poor dumb Heather got the message.  So I ended that.  I gave up.  

And then there was another "stray" working as a nanny got thrown out and needed a place to stay, she went full warpath and was asking him questions like "What does Heather REALLY do for you?"  and stuff like that all while ordering me around in my own home like some sort of servant.  She left on her own, thank God.  She actually friended me on Facebook many years later.  She continues to have a lot of drama.  I ended up blocking her.  

I do wonder about one woman.  She was a Postal worker.  She used to do things like grab Ron's butt while he was working and make provocative comments.  We had a private stockroom, and also lived nearby.  I didn't think much about it as Ron was always very flirty.  

But after the accident I got all sorts of calls.  Most of them were along the lines of 'OMG WHAT HAPPENED?   How bad is he hurt?  How are you holding up?  Let me know if I can do anything!"  (everyone forgets the widow 😞 except basically you guys)  But this woman called me she was sobbing and screaming "Why?!  God, WHY?!" carrying on like it was her husband had been run over.  Even I didn't carry on like that.  I cried some but quietly (I do).  She kept screaming and sobbing.  It was very unusual as Ron should have been a casual work acquaintance.  The only theories I have are 1.  She was a party to the accident somehow or 2.  She and Ron were having an affair.  I couldn't ask her of course and Ron forgot most of 2002 due to the head injury (not a good year at any rate).  She acted very distant when we came back so I wondered.  

Kind of like that movie about the man who got shot in the head, finds out his wife had been having an affair before the incident, and then at the end of the movie finds out he had been cheating as well. 

I confided (in part through the blog) in some people about some of my troubles (none of all the above not until well after he was dead), and now.  But some things Ron did were so abhorrent I couldn't talk about them while he was alive because the person listening would have hated him, and talked.  And I don't like to make myself look like a fool.  

So my thoughts: don't go looking for "a man" to fill my life.  If I find a man don't become financially dependent on him.  If he wants to pay my light bill one month great but retain the ability to pay it myself.  Don't become emotionally dependent on one person.  Don't become financially dependent on one person.  Always retain the ability to kick them out of my life if they are a jerk.  Don't leap into commitments.  You think waiting 5 years to date was crazy?  Wait till you see how long I wait to marry!  Get a prenup.  Protect myself because no one else will do it.  

I did learn a few things. When we first met Ron used to say he loved how sweet I was, that I was not "hard" like other women his age.  I understand what he meant now.  I will never be that person again.