Thursday morning

I have been making it a point to get a lot of sleep lately.  I slept really well last night for a change, woke up I had the blanket on me.  It is getting cooler at night.  I was glad I already had the blanket in my bed.  Plan is to leave this blanket on top of the bed for the cats to have our scent on it to comfort them when I'm gone.  It will also  protect the rest of the bedding.  

I woke up up to 189.2 which is over half a pound down.  I was happy about that, of course.  That's half a stick of butter.  I was looking at my feet today and they look slimmer too which I thought was funny.  You don't think about losing weight on your feet.  Literally losing it.  

So I was happy about that.  I am groggy and somewhat depressed but pleased about the weight loss at any rate.  Almost 3 pounds in a week; let's hear it for my cycle, always good for losing a couple of pounds if I am on track with my eating.  

My youtube music is acting up, most likely my old computer.  I am not stressing about it.  I got out my old cell phone for that, it streams over wi fi - I don't pay anything for the phone.  Messages started acting up about a year ago and the only fix was a new phone.  I use the new phone for Carb Manager and work.  In fact it was funny.  One day a customer came up and wanted me to scan an item.  I opened up the app and realized I had opened Carb Manager.  So I had to wait for it to load, exit, load Me@Walmart, and then scan the item.  The customer was rather impatient so I moved the location of Carb Manager to "the front" of my phone so I don't mix them up again.  

And it was two sticks of butter, not a half.  I checked the butter and 4 sticks = a pound.  

So two of them.  Nice.  I hope I lose some more but we will see.  I really hope I do not blow it in CA.  I would hate to gain anything back but I also have to look at how long do I likely have with Dad and Mom?  What is more important?  Quality time with them.  They will work with me; they are not types to shove food at me and insist I eat it.  

I got up early enough I can do everything before I leave.  Blog, shower, God Time, get my stuff together, etc.  I think I am going to wear the really cute gray jeans.  See how they work before I take them with me.  

I am certain I want to get a t shirt that fits, and likely the suck-em-in (stolen from a customer) briefs from the lingerie department if they have them in my size; we'll see.  If they don't they don't.  

And I just finished a quart of water since I woke up.  I know the water helps a lot.  I have 19 pounds to goal now.  What I may do get to goal, maintain a little bit, and then try to lose again.  Although I am totally happy with the idea of staying at 170.  I am big boned as my parents say I am not petite, my mom used to say I would have an easy time carrying and birthing children.  I have some muscle and even when I was large my aunt would (paraphrased) say I was solid and not squishy.  I will have to see how I look/feel and get opinions from people I trust.  I don't want to get too skinny.  That's not a good look.  I want to feel like it is still "my" body so I am certain I will take a break at 170 for a while.  And it will be easy, I go into carb manager and adjust my calorie goals from "lose 20%" to "maintain" it is an easy fingerswipe and then it gives me the macros I need to maintain.  If/when I get ready to lose again I just tell it so.  

The last times I lost weight I just ate very low carb and kind of went for a ride.  I didn't monitor my macros/food because the apps were all paid and not very efficient to be honest (remember Fitday?).  So I just ate low carb, got on the scale every day, sometimes I went up, sometimes I didn't, sometimes I lost.  I didn't feel in control of the process I was more along for the ride and I didn't like that feeling.  I remember at one point I unexpectedly got down to the 150's and I had a hard time with that, and ended up eating myself out of that pretty quick.  

A couple of reasons behind it no doubt.  My Dad spent a lot of money on therapy for me as a teen so let's see if it paid off.  Big reason Ron told me he would leave me if I ever got fat, and he made it clear he found it abhorrent.  He changed his mind at the end because my fat self was the only one caring for him but he had been very vehement and ugly about weight for a very long time and used to bludgeon me with it.  I felt like losing weight was 1.  Admitting I wanted him around and 2.  Letting him "win".  How's that?  Then also (this is way secondary) I was told a lot growing up I was going to be fat, I was fat, etc. by a couple people in my family.  So I felt like I was doomed to get fat and no weight I could obtain would be acceptable.  But when the Prozac killed my appetite and I wouldn't eat, got skinny, everyone was freaking out.  A doctor basically told me to drink milk whenever I got thirsty and I would be OK so I did that and made it through the Prozac.  

A side note, the times I actually did lose weight Ron was cheating on me with chat lines and telling me I was "fat on the inside" so no guarantee of a happy life there.  Also more attention from men which made me uncomfortable.  Especially now.  I don't want to be tasty!  I want to look good but not tasty if that makes sense.  Figuring that out may take a little work.  Of course the vest at work is great for that, it completely conceals my figure, covers boobs, waist, butt, all of it You can see my arms, legs, and face but that is it.  And I plan to wear Men's Tshirts as I've been doing for years so no popeyes.  I do have a bigger chest and I don't want to flaunt it.  

Unless I remarry, then I can get one of "those" tops from work, bring that home, cook him a nice meal and serve it to him wearing the top inside our home.  Never wear it out, just for him, that sort of thing.  Dad really liked it when I told him about Ron's request that I not wear exciting clothes because he coulddn't see me, and didn't want other men to, either.  Dad loved that.  So I'm not wearing something like that unless I have remarried.  

EXCEPTION being my "booty shorts" which I like a lot and wear at home only.  I wear them around the house, take out the trash, etc. but that's it.  They are very comfortable.  The 20's are getting a little big on me, though, which is fine the waist still fits!   I am glad I bought them before they went away for the year.  

Now I need to find a white/cream hoodie in a 1X or 20-22 so I have something light colored on when waiting at the bus stop in the early morning.  If God wants me to have it I'll find it.  I think in a pinch my light pink hoodie might work.

So we will see how that goes...for now I need to make my tuna salad for work.  I don't want to fight over the microwave at work on my lunch.  Some cultures bring a very large meal in a glass container and take 5-6 minutes heating it up.  Or they have multiple items they heat.  I would just have one plastic bowl for 20 seconds but they don't want to wait (I can see that) and they tend to all go to lunch in a big group so it can be a while...I counteracted that by going to McDonald's and just eating a double cheeseburger, cold, for my lunch.  But now that I am making my own meals I need to either 1.  Do tuna which requires no heating or 2.  Wait in line for the microwave. 

So I will make tuna.  I don't like conflict.  I like to get my food out and eat it immediately on my lunch and I can do that.  I don't always get to pick the time I go to lunch so that works best.  The tuna waits for me in my insulated lunch bag, with the ice pack.  

I will come back but I need to actually MAKE the tuna and get that put up with my other meal (I eat when I get to work and then again when I get my lunch).  

Did my shower, put on new jeans (fit great, even pockets are OK, have the tummy slimming panel).  Nice not to have to take a pocketful of "supplies".  I ate some yogurt and gave the lid to Cleo.  She loves plain yogurt, meows for it, and was very excited when I called her name as she knew what that meant.  I have done that with the cats, I only call them when I have a treat for them, could be useful in emergency.  Later on I will tell you the story how it did save me with Midi.  Anyway she was licking away.  

Midi was a black cat I had at the time of Ron's accident.  He took it hard, I was at the hospital most of the time.  Someone offered to feed him, and did, but neglected to give them water so they were drinking out of a filthy bayou.  When I called him on it he said "You only asked me to feed them" he was a very literal man I believe is on the spectrum.  Anyway one day I had come home to do laundry and catch a nap.  The cats joined me.  When I left Shadow came out with me but Midi ran back in the house.  I could not catch him.  I didn't have food and water in the house and I did not want to give this man my house keys.  So I used the phrase I used when I gave him a treat.  He came out.  He never answered to that again so it's a one-shot deal but it did come in handy.  

Speaking of giving men my keys it is about time to call Jack and ask him to help tonight.  We still aren't on a regular schedule yet but he has been good about helping.  If he can't help I will ask my cab driver buddy for assistance, he has proven helpful with that a few times.  I am going to give it another 5 minutes.  I get anxious about rides at times because I don't want to be stuck overnight at work.  The buses do not mesh getting me home anymore if I work until 10.  So that's an issue.  And Personnel let me know that would be a deal breaker if I asked to go home earlier.  I am stuck.  But it gives me an opportunity to lean on God and trust other people to help, both things I need to work on.  

Speaking of God I did do my God time and had Spotty with me.  He got up on the pillows behind me and put his head on my shoulder, purring.  It was very cute.  It was hard dividing my attention I want to pet the cat of course but I also want to get whatever message He has for me that day, too.  And Spotty likes to walk on the tablet.  Spotty wants to love on me on his terms, not mine, which can make it difficult if he comes up on me as I'm leaving or something.  He will sometimes greet me when I come home.  

They are good cats.  I haven't seen much of Biscuit today I think he is out on the back porch.  He likes it out there.  It is close to the cat door so he can come in easily.  

OK getting ready to call Jack.  OK we are set.  He sounded like he expected me to call.  He is going to come by after work Saturday and go through the routine with me.  I scooped the box today, they don't use it much, will scoop again Sunday night.  He won't need to do that.  All he has to do is put down the food and top off the water if it gets low (I will also fill that up on Sunday but it's fine now).  Then give him the key and explain one little thing about the door.  

I have my vest, did up the candy, have all my "pockets" (stuff I carry in my jeans which is a lot actually), all I need to do is do my hair (letting it air dry) and put my lunch in my insulated bag.  Plan is get to work put up my tote bag, do my shopping, buy whatever, come back and put it in my bag.  If I take the bag with me to shop 1.  I just went on the watch list for security and 2.  Someone will take the spot I like on the cabinet.  Early bird gets the spot.  

Hips and chest are the same measurement now which I guess is a good thing, but I do have today's measurement when I do my shopping.  If they have it, great.  If they don't God doesn't want me to have it.  I do hope I can find a cute t shirt.  I just want something modest but a little more fitted than the sacks I am wearing right now.  

The Juniors sizes I am JUST a 21 but it is very snug and shows off a lot more of my figure than I'd like.  I did bring one of them just to have dinner with the family so they can get a few pictures.  I might get one of me pretending to eat a stick of butter, for instance.  Dad really liked the "fat lost" photo with the cans of lard which are entirely accurate.  I lost, I believe 2.5 pounds this last week it won't last but is nice.  Thinking on it the butter photo might be perceived wrong so I won't do that.  It has been a while since I've been "active" I forgot what that would look like.  

Still have time, I think I will get some water.  I like getting up really early so I don't have to run around.  

Oops forgot to post.  Here it is.