Tuesday

 Torbie became more lively about the time she started drinking out of the toilet.  I have to wonder about that.  She was fine today, stalking my aunt, eating treats, coming out to visit.  

I had a headache this morning but finally nailed it with 3 aspirin and a couple of pepto tablets (to protect my stomach from the aspirin).  My aunt came; we went to my bank and set up the estate account.  I didn't know this but estate accounts are considered a business.  Interesting.  

The banker has helped me a lot and is very nice, I like her a lot and hope she gets some kind of commission for the account.  We went to Walmart and got me some wool socks and groceries, cat food, etc.  Some snacks for work as well.  And one bad thing, a bag of queso chips.  

It isn't "bad" in moderation and I only have the one bag so I don't see me getting into too much trouble.  I also got more soy milk and invested in 5 pounds of shredded cheese I will ABSOLUTELY eat.  I love shredded cheese on a corn tortilla, very tasty and not high carb.  

We came home and put that away, then ate lunch at my favorite Taqueria.  They are really sweet and the food is delicious and cheap.  Then the Mexican bakery for dessert (told you it's my cheat day!) and then Academy sports.  I found some really nice wool socks.  I got some, enough to hold me through the winter.  I used to have a lot of wool socks and had given them all to "cold feet" Ron, then got rid of all his socks because they made me sad after he died (I wasn't exactly logical).  So now I rebuilt my inventory.  I got some more work shoes, one pair I have are starting to feel a little tired so this way I can just grab a fresh pair out of my closet as needed.  Then we came home, she checked my schedule so we can plan next week, and headed off.  

It is always nice to see her.  She is a very refreshing person to be around.  She also assured me she would respect my medical wishes if it came to that point one day, which is a load off my mind.  No one wants to be kept alive against their will and she won't allow that, anymore than I allowed that for Ron.  

She is on her way home now and then I will call my parents around 6 my time.  

Oh, I almost forgot.  I put my phone in the pocket of my sweat pants.  It kept falling out at home and then when we got to the gas station this morning I didn't have it.  I was freaking out and she said "I heard it ringing in the car".  So we went back to the car and I found it had slipped completely under the seat.  I never would have seen it or even known it was gone.  So I put it in my fanny pack and that worked for the rest of the day.  But these pants don't work for keeping the phone.  The sweats without a drawstring are fine with my phone but not these.  That is important to know.  

My decaf coffee should come sometime today and then I am set.  Oh, and I found my Dad's present at work.  He loves puzzles and I found 2 nice ones for him.  He likes them a little more complex than I got but I want him to enjoy it and not have it stress him out.  I already got her present so I don't have to worry about that.  

I am glad my Dad still likes things like puzzles to keep his brain active.  He is over 80 now and I want to keep him sharp.  He also does Bible study, church, reads, does adult education classes, and veteran's groups (he is a veteran).  My adoptive Mom also keeps him plenty active with various projects and outings.   

Oh, I also got (my weakness, nice bars of soap) a nice bar of Duke Cannon soap I had been eyeing online, "Illegally cut pine".  It smells really good.  I got the coco castille a while back and it is cleansing, scent reminds me of Ivory which is good, but not a great lather, so I will use it up of course but the next time I want a soap like that I will just buy Ivory.  Maybe I do need to get back into making my own soap.  I have considered it more than once.  I wouldn't sell it, though.  Too much of a hassle.  I really think soap making would be impossible in my tiny kitchen, with five cats running around, and some of them (Torbie!) are VERY nosy.  

That's it for now I will write more later if I feel led... 

Tuesday morning

 It took me a little bit to fall asleep.  I was sleeping well when I woke up with an earache, I get these on occasion when my ears clog from allergies.  And I do sleep with cats, an allergen.  So I got up and took a Sudafed, admired my tree, and went back to sleep.  I have the tree on a timer it goes about 6 hours a day in the evening.  

I woke up again with a brutal headache around 5.  But in spite of all this I will say I feel like I slept well.  I took some Excedrin and went back to bed, got up about a half hour later.  I did my shower and most of my God Time (will finish up in a minute).  I decided on black sweatpants and a tshirt.  I am just not wanting to dress up today and that is OK.   

So: I opted for black t shirt and sweatpants, army green hooded sweatshirt.  I did up the candy to hand out.  It was funny one of my devotionals discussed God won't let you run out of supplies you need for ministry.  Good thing as I need more candy after this morning.  

If you know me personally that is always a good present: individually wrapped candy to hand out.  Or zip lock bags in the sandwich or quart sized, I can ALWAYS use those.  Anyway, I need to get more hard candy, people have been going crazy for those little strawberry things lately.  It is hard to find them at my store, they are pretty lean on the individually wrapped hard candy, so whatever I find will be snatched up.  No one has said anything about the caramels one way or the other but I know everyone likes caramel.  The "Santa Sack" chocolates have everyone's eyes lighting up saying it is the "good" stuff.  I want to have a lively mix of desirable candies to go with the Scripture booklet and I am certain God will provide that.  

My aunt should be on her way pretty soon she wanted to get to the bank early.  There has been a lot to Ron's estate and I am just glad he didn't have more assets.  The house goes to me, savings goes to me too.  We are still waiting on [spits on ground at bank] the tightwads to let Ron's money go.  It has been just stupid the hoops they have put us through.  I feel so bad for my aunt but she had done executor duties before.  I can see why a lot of times they do have a fee for the executor.  

One thing I have been doing lately is listening to uplifting praise music (I am not into Hillsong but I like Chris Tomlin) when I am on the computer I think that sets a better mind frame for my day.  

That's it for now.  

Monday afternoon

 I got a good nap but got depressed again.  I ate early and took my evening meds so that's done at any rate.  I have been considering a present for my stepmother for some time and decided to go with the brewed cacao.  It is like coffee and brewed like coffee, it apparently is very tasty.  She loves chocolate but watches her figure so this will be a good compromise.  It had very good reviews.  And a really good Cyber Monday special.  Shipping was $2 and a big chunk off the list price (Crio Bru).  

I put some ornaments on the tree and will put some more shortly.  I am taking it in stages.  Ron never wanted to decorate a tree with me.  Being blind it just didn't matter to him, and he was not "sort of' blind he was 100% sightless.  Legally blind he could have enjoyed the lights at least, and he did say he remembered lights on the tree when he was little and had minimal vision.  He liked to hear I had put lights on the tree but didn't care about ornaments.  So I have an odd relationship with Christmas tree ornaments.  Ron would want me to enjoy them, though.  

Then a horrid depression.  Boo.  I went outside for a while and talked to my aunt a little on the phone.  Dad is busy tonight and doesn't want a phone call.  That sounds mean.  He can't talk tonight.  There.  

I mean, what's the protocol for a depressed, widowed, family member?  How much do you step up?  How long?  I don't know the answer myself.  I don't want to be a leech on anyone.  But hard as it is to admit I need a shoulder sometimes.  My aunt has been great: tireless, supportive, etc.  When I got the email from Walmart they wanted me at orientation in 3 hours she is the one who gave me a ride.  I remember things like that; and I felt OK calling her to ask.  

Sometimes, like Ron's family, you could ask, and they might even do it, but you would pay for it.  They would also show up late, with an attitude.  Ron's brother, for instance, couldn't just say he didn't want to take us to the airport, he screwed up one ride so bad we almost missed our plane, then got an attitude when Ron complained.  So next time we called a cab and the brother got an attitude about that.  You just couldn't win, if you asked them for help or if you didn't, but results made it pretty clear they didn't want us asking.  

I was likely a fool for asking for Ron's baby pictures but figured they would just be thrown away anyway.  Ron's nephew had the balls to tell me how "great" they were before he ghosted me several times and I gave up.  They want the photos because that's the illusion they were all loving and such, but they don't want the person who really loved him to have them either.  

I did unspeakable things for Ron for well over a year.  And I was happy to do it because he needed me.  I signed up for that when I married him.  That's love.  Not sharing DNA.  

I do think Ron and I were wise not to have kids.  I mean, not that we could have done a reversal on his vastectomy on our budget but I do think I had 3 different miscarriages (sometimes the procedure is not 100%).  God knew we couldn't handle kids with what we had coming for Ron.  I see that in the caregiver group, a totally burned out woman with small kids and a demanding senior.  I would have snapped, or had to put Ron in a facility because at the end I think the kids always (should) come first.   

Boy how's that for cheering myself up?  I am really thinking to go to bed early tonight.  That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 I slept great last night, slept in.  Got up at 7!  😂  That is late, for me.  My adoptive Mom used to call me "Earlybird".  

Torbie continues to drink out of the toilet but this morning I had some *business* and had to move her.  After I finished I decided to clean the toilet.  Which I did, with the door closed so she wouldn't get the cleanser on her paws.  Then I used my pet safe spray cleaner that co$t some money off Amazon because it is also unscented.  Ron loved it when I used that spray.  (Better Life).  He couldn't whiff anything and it does a good job.  I still have plenty, but can easily get more from Amazon.  So that's all done.  

I am also finishing off the clothes in the dryer, they should be done pretty soon and then I can hang them up.  I rounded up all the clean, dry, support socks (plenty!) and put them in their box.  

Oh, yesterday at work I got all the way to the bus stop before I realized I had forgotten my mask.  But I carry some in my bag so I was OK (paper, and one Walmart branded cloth one I ended up using).  I need to wash that and my vest, it has been a little while on the vest.  Uneventful ride to work.  Nice bus drivers.  

I slept great though and I don't remember what I dreamed.  I ordered more CDM decaf coffee with chicory which should come today.  I love drinking that coffee.  It is a nice dark roast but not bitter.  I searched for a while in the decaf coffee section of Amazon to find it.  I also think it is a nice nod to Ron's Creole heritage.  

So today: plans, finish laundry, take a shower and shave my legs, wash my vest and hang it up to dry.  My cycle is winding down.  I read some real horror stories in the menopause group but so far I have had pretty standard cycles, when they do come.  Apparently my birth mother had erratic periods for some years and only had a full blown menopause the last year or so of her life.  And she was in her 50's still having them so pretty safe to say I can expect that, too.  

The only thing I did have ovary surgery on both ovaries (taking off cysts and trying to get a tumor, they couldn't get it so they left it in there!  😡)  Anyway, they "did a lot of cutting" per doc so that may result in an earlier menopause.  I have read it can and I am OK with that.  I started at age 13.  I am now in my late 40's.  That's enough time to have kids if I had wanted.   I still could, possibly.  It would be a very high risk pregnancy but there's a shot if I wanted... I don't.  Hopefully if I remarry he will be OK with that.  

So the clothes are all hung up.  I just need to hand wash the vest and a couple of things I picked up from the thrift store, after my shower.  It took a while to empty out my vest, I have various things in there, pens, sugar free mints, granola bars, etc.  Then I just have to put them back tomorrow night or Wednesday morning.  

Tomorrow, aside from Walmart and my bank, I want to go to Academy and get some shoes which I already mentioned.  It is really important to have good shoes, I wear a men's 9.5 wide.  My feet are happy in those shoes and I have really minimal pain/fatigue considering the hours I stand every day.  

It is a nice sunny day so I may get outside for a sun bath.  It's good for my moods.  That's it for now.  

Sunday night, or my Friday night

 Two days off!  Whoo-hoo!  Work was uneventful (busy).  I was sure happy to see that cab.  He got hung up a little but I had time to shop a little after I clocked out.  

I have been wanting BBQ hot pockets for a while now but kept forgetting when I was at work.  I remembered today, went over to the freezer after I clocked out, and they had pepperoni or meatball, and one package of ham and cheese.  None of those interest me.  But they did have a nice looking package of corn dogs for $2 so I got that.  Most importantly, I remembered to put them in the freezer after I got home.  

I took a nap, had a good one, woke up with 4 cats in the bed.  Sometimes I think I need a King bed and not a queen.  But I would be sad giving up this bed as Ron did sleep on it a few times.  I was cold in spite of the many blankets, so I got up and dug out a pair of wool socks.  They have a hole in the heel but are warm.  I also put on my sweats.  

I made a pot of CDM decaf coffee with chicory.  I really like it a lot.  Then I ordered some more because I do like it a lot.  It is a lot cheaper than soda, easier to store, healthy, etc.  Chicory is a "pre" biotic.  I take a probiotic every night and the coffee will feed the bacteria.  

I called my parents.  They are fine, doing a thing tomorrow so no phone call then.  I will finish the laundry tomorrow, I am tired.  

I made dinner: a cheese fold over (corn tortilla with melted cheese), some kidney beans, and a corn dog.  Then I took my medication and the probiotic.  

My cycle is tapering off so basically acting like a normal cycle this time.  Good.  I should be all done with that by Wednesday when I have to go back to work, or nearly so.  I worked a little on my shopping list for Academy I need to get some wool socks and new work shoes there.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

 I didn't plan my time right last night, I didn't have time for a soak cycle on the washer and a regular load.  But I only figured it out after I had started the load.  SO I went to bed later than I would have liked.  I did sleep well.  Just not enough.   The clothes are about half dried but I had something to wear today.  

I have to have pants with good pockets so I can stuff all my tampons and such.  Money for my ride home, keys, etc.  I did tie a piece of yarn to the house key so I won't make that mistake again.  

My plan is to do a little housework when I get home so I can really relax tomorrow.  Tuesday I run errands with my aunt.  We are pretty disgusted with Ron's bank they are being awful about giving me MY money.  Thank God I do not have an emergency.  I will tell you who they are after the check clears.  My bank (a regional one) has been excellent and very helpful.  I am happy to let them handle my business.  

And I put my aunt on both accounts (savings and checking) so she won't have any problem getting my money if I die first (you never know, the way they drive down that street outside my subdivision, I almost got pasted by a big rig running the light yesterday).  And she would find homes for the cats.  I don't plan on going anywhere though.  

I have to say I am pretty happy with Walmart.  They treat me well and I like the people I work with.  Overall there is a culture of respect.  I did not see that at other jobs, including Target.  There was a girl from Target came by and was talking to me about a week or two ago.  She was bragging she makes more money an hour.  I asked her if they give her breaks and lunches.  She said "Well they have to give me the lunch..." but not the breaks.  That is a lack of respect for the worker.  She may be on her period.  She may have a bladder infection or food poisoning.  She may be diabetic and need to eat every few hours.  Her feet hurt and she would like to sit down.  So I will remain a good little Walmart worker bee.  

My schedule looks pretty much the same for the next couple weeks, they are not doing anything crazy with Christmas coming up.  That is a relief.  Sometimes if I have to go in at a new time it's hard to figure out the bus, so I end up getting there really early.  And while I like the store I prefer my home for hanging out.  

A couple of details before I leave  did my God time, got the money for the cab ride home (the last $20 I had in the house but worth it), jacket, etc.  Did my God time and did up some candy for both the drivers and my coworkers.  The candy for the co workers I don't put the Scripture booklet.  "Inclusive" doesn't include the Bible and I have to accept that.  There are other places to witness, and I do talk about how God helped me after Ron's death.  That's as far as I go, and I do try to pray for them as well.  

#6 is up to his old tricks again.  He had a party last night, OK that is fine.  I get it you want to have fun.  Picking up the empty glass bottles and throwing them in the recycle at 6 AM on a weekend?  Not cool.  I was already up but nearly everyone would have been sleeping.  And he has 6 kids make one of THEM pick it up at a reasonable hour if you have to work.  I have never seen those kids doing a single chore except helping their mom carry groceries into the house.  

I think that is a big problem with the younger generation, parents aren't "allowed" to spank, doing chores is "abuse", buy them $500 gaming consoles every year, etc.  No wonder a lot of them are so ungrateful.  Just my take.  I know Ron and I would have spanked our kids and made them do chores if we had them, and we would not have gotten them expensive treats.  You want it, you earn it.  That's how I was raised.  And Ron grew up very poor.  Some kind hearted people would give him things because he was blind (like a transistor radio), but he didn't ask and his parents had a thing about him never, EVER, "begging" for anything.  If someone wants to give you a gift take it graciously but don't beg.  So I think we would have done alright.  

I am pretty sure I had 3 miscarriages when we were together so we will see if I have any kids waiting up in Heaven.  

I need to go.  I will post after work.  

Saturday

 This day... 

So I started out with 5 hours of sleep, took my shower, got ready, did my God time (some of it the parsed down version).  Headed out the door with a couple of minutes to spare because there is a lot of debris on on the path near the bus stop - no one things about the pedestrian during construction.  

And the door wouldn't lock.  I have 2 keys on my ring, one says "Walmart" (was copied at, years ago, when they did that), the other has the name of the lock company on it.  They look identical.  I was getting very upset trying and trying, almost in tears, so upset my hands were shaking.  And I prayed about it and thought "I had better look at this key" and it was the "Walmart" not the "lock".  Well, crap.  

So I got out of there got to the bus stop.  I will be glad when they are done with the construction as it is a hassle.  I caught the first bus and rode to the traffic light.  By the way I am not the only female bus rider to takes the bus around to the end of the line and back, or rides up to a traffic light for a safer crossing.  Houston traffic is scary.  I got off and crossed the one street, approached the bus stop and WHAT?   Some guy, looked very dodgy (not white but not black either not sure what he was), big bushy terrorist beard and a very heavy backpack dragging down to his knees, walking along with a huge, unleashed, chow dog.  I was NOT happy.  He was not wearing a mask.  I didn't care about that but the bus driver will not stop, much less allow boarding, for anyone without a mask.  And the dog?  What bus is going to stop with a dog like that running loose?  I talked the guy into wearing a mask and he did.  The bus did stop amazingly.  I got on, he did, and the dog did not.  I guess that will be tomorrow's problem.  

The rest of the ride was uneventful; but I did have a pretty nasty headache.  I ate a lemon pie at work (paid for 😛) and that did the trick.  I am on day 2 of my cycle so that was a factor, also a cold front today and rain.  

Got to work did my worker bee buzz buzz.  Left at 3 came home in a cab because I was falling asleep on the way to work, how much more on the way home?  Got home, took a nap.  

I got up, started some laundry.  I took the purple lights off the tree.  I guess I had better explain them.  

I always get pretty festive during the holidays even with the customary holiday depression.  So in 2002 I got purple and pink lights and put them up in the front window of our duplex.  We didn't have a tree but I had the lights in the window.  My brother in law hated them.  The lights were still up when Ron got run over in January.  I couldn't bear to take them down for a while and left them burning so I would see them when I got home (without Ron) until I did bring him home.  So purple Christmas lights are VERY emotionally loaded which I didn't factor when I bought the strand a couple weeks ago.  I took them off and put them in the Christmas box.  

Today I put on the multi colored strand of 100 lights in addition to my light up star and the other 100 lights.  They look pretty good but a lot of orange which looks a little odd with the orange walls in the room, kind of like a "team spirit" theme tree.  But not bad.  I don't want to change it.  The star is very nice and worth the $7 I paid for it yesterday.  I will put up a photo once I do the ornaments.  Those are a plastic shatterproof all "balls" but different styles, in green.  It will be nice.  I got all my Christmas stuff pretty late last year and didn't have a lot of choices.  Ideally I would have got a red, gold, green ornament assortment but what I have is fine.  

I did almost lose it crying at work this morning they had a commercial for USPS they are a family taking care of yours... showed a processing plant, etc.  "Our team taking care of you" sort of thing and just seeing the machines reminded me of the 20 years at USPS and I almost lost it crying.  I had to do some fast blinks.  I don't think anyone would have cared in the break room but I am proud about that sort of thing.  

I don't, looking back, feel like USPS treated us fairly.  Or the Blind Vendors.  

I am moderately depressed now writing all this.  

But the cats are good, Torbie is still hanging in there.  The other cats all had a nice visit when I got home.  One of my bosses couldn't believe it when I told her I had 5 cats.  I always blame Ron for most of them.  😂 He's not around to defend himself.  

But they're all happy.  It has been getting crowded in my bed since the weather got cold, I have the good vent right above my bed, the best vent in the house actually, that blasts deliciously somnolent hot air all night long.  I would like a little more room but I do enjoy sleeping with a cat.  

I am glad I am doing the laundry tonight vs. tomorrow after work.  That way I can enjoy my time off more.  My hours would be no big deal if I had a car but on the bus I have to add basically 2-3 hours each way.  Hence the paid rides home after a long day or night.  

I am going to need to buy some more female supplies, I have had a pretty heavy couple days here.  That is always a lot of fun working retail, a pocket full of tampons and ducking out to the bathroom as needed.  Happily I have some jeans with good pockets.  I like the No Boundaries jeans at work, only $9, but the pockets on them are a joke.  My old jeans from the box in the garage, and the thrift store jeans, have better pockets.  They fit well, too.  

I am glad I picked up some smaller jeans it is great to have them all ready to go as I lose weight.  I hate baggy pants.  I am wearing a 3 x tshirt right now which is a size too large but that's fine.  Baggy pants?  Hate 'em.  But it's a good problem to have.  

I try to be diligent in what I eat, with the exception of the lemon pie today which I needed to eat for the headache.  I don't pretend to understand how it works but it does.  

One thing I do when I get home, I change out of my work clothes and hang them up or put them in the hamper, then I change into baggy elastic waist shorts (summer) or sweat pants, and t-shirt for hanging out around the house.  That saves wear, tear, stains on my work clothes.  Some of the cats like to get in my lap and dig in their claws which can be hard on fabric.  My old pants reflected this, little snags all over the thighs.  And I can't wear ripped jeans to work (not that I'd want to).  And I don't mind wearing the same type of things around the house.  One thing I have found, I don't like drawstrings.  I find that interesting.  

I have about 20 minutes until this load finishes and then I can put it in the dryer.  I will dry it some tonight and finish it tomorrow.  That's it for now.  

Saturday morning

 Last night was about what I expected.  I was hoping for more help but they got cheap on the payroll and a lot of people had the night off.  Some of the other workers were not happy about that.  

And I started my cycle so that is progressing.   I am hoping I drop a couple of pounds of water weight but they had cupcakes yesterday at work so I may be a little bloated from that.  

Torbie is good, so are the other cats.  I am just really tired as I only worked out to get about 4 hours of sleep.  It is harder to work the night and then the next morning.  I am thinking to take a ride home from work as a result.  

They are doing construction near the bus stop but I can still access it so I'm happy.  It will be a gas station according to the sign so it is possible I could get a job there if needed.  I always wondered what kind of place they would put if they ever developed that lot, now I know.  For some reason I thought it would be a dollar store.  

Oh and at work - I had a sniffling co worker.  I had customers with deep, wet, coughs.  One guy was so bad I asked his wife "Is he sick?"  She denied it.  Yeah, right, he's hacking and wheezing so bad he can't talk, but he's "fine".  The problem we are not far from the border with Mexico, they don't regulate antibiotics so there is a lot of drug resistant pneumonia and TB.  I am terrified of getting that.  One reason I will likely wear my mask even after Walmart says I don't need it.  But I don't see WM doing that any time soon, they want the associates healthy and working.  

Got the shower so I am fresh.  I will likely experience some rain so I need to prepare for that.  The heater is running which bodes a chilly commute.  I am going to get dressed, bag up some candy, and do my God Time.  

I wore my "other" purple (more a magenta) jeans and a matching plaid flannel shirt.  I did my God time, got dressed, ready to go.  I even had a snack.  I have a mild headache I attribute to my cycle.  It is light enough outside I'll be seen at the bus stop and will be able to pick my way down the path to it as well.  I have some cash and my credit card.  The credit card page is down right now but I did get a peek and have a $50 balance which I intend to pay off when I can get access.  

Jeans fit great and the label says 18.  My two purple jeans, one is a lavender/mauve and by Gloria Vanderbilt "Amanda" jean.  The ones I have on are Lane Bryant and as I said a magenta.  These have generous pockets which I love.  Both are an 18 which is a lot better than the 3x I was pushing early spring.  I still wear a 20 or 2XL top because I am chesty.  It's one of my medications does that.  I am not huge but it just renders me a size 20 or a 2X.  Bottom half is losing at a good rate so I'm happy about that.  

That's it for now.  

 

Friday morning

 I went to bed early last night so I have some time this morning.  I will have to go to bed pretty much the minute I get home tonight.  

I have a photo from yesterday, not the world's most flattering but I will remind you it was taken AFTER dinner.  We mainly wanted to feature the leggings which we did.  

I am holding steady at 210 on my weight today.  I didn't take a plate.  The food was good but I will be eating a hamburger for dinner tonight anyway.  My aunt did get a little sad as she bagged the leftovers thinking of Ron, how he didn't need a plate this year.  But he is at the feast this year so I don't feel bad for him missing our little meal.  

I work today, the plan is to get to work early, get my burgers, go over to Seasonal department, get a topper for my Christmas tree (not the hat you see in the photo I will be wearing that every day until Christmas, at work), maybe some lights, and pay for that.  Put it in my bag (along with the burgers) and stick that out of the way until lunch time when I can eat the burgers.  That's the plan.  

While the lights are up at the intersection, I did not check the crosswalk, so that may be a challenge today.  I will see.  My commute is dependent on a lot of moving pieces.  It would be really easy to get wracked with anxiety worrying about everything but I can't live that way.  

I want to have a good life, me in my Christmas leggings in front of the Christmas tree.  Torbie is still doing well.  I may have her for a while yet.  She is on the bed right now very cozy and comfortable.  Cleo was with her but not "with" her, just also on the bed.  The other cats are fat and happy as well.  

I'm going to take my shower.   Done.  I also remembered to take my collagen.  My stepmother swears by it, says her bone density has gone up and she feels stronger, that is the only new thing.  I am mainly worried about my hair and joints.  

I may have started my cycle, only 3 weeks late if it really did come today... and of course working today that could be fun.  I tried on my new mauve jeans (thrift shop) and they fit great, with ample pockets for my female supplies.  I am wearing them with a gray t shirt and my black sneakers.  It will apparently rain tomorrow so I am saving my waterproof shoes for that.  These shoes are still doing pretty well though, but I plan to replace them pretty soon.  They aren't quite as awesome if that makes sense.  And it has been about 6 months which is my arbitrary rule on that.  

I had some "plantar" issues a few years back and it was miserable, I don't want that coming back.  

The cats are good Biscuit got in my lap and Torbie is drinking out of the toilet now for some reason.  A water fountain (full) a regular bowl, mostly full and she wants the toilet.  I took out the hang in the bowl cleaning tablet so the water doesn't have any chemicals but I just find it odd.  She is, however, eating, very cute and cuddly, sleeping with me, wants pets, etc.  Not suffering.  I won't let her suffer.  It is apparently pretty cold out (40's) even though it is sunny.  I hope I am OK in my jacket.  I don't think it is windy so I should be alright.  I need to confirm my pickup tonight.  I didn't get ahold of him.  

Oh well I asked him to call or text when he got a chance.  It has been a few days since we discussed getting me tonight so I want to make sure (didn't say that).  It is just anxious being dependent on someone for transportation.  I always wonder if it is going to fall through.  But I guess car people worry about that too, is the car going to break down, will someone run into me, etc.  

I try not to be anxious I don't think it honors or respects God: You are the Lord of the universe but I know You won't help me because You don't care about my problems... and I can lean that way on occasion if I am brutally honest.  

Anyway that's it for now, very unlikely I will post tonight.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

 I got into Facebook some time back and told it to stop sending me memories.  What does it do?  Send me memories.  Not happy about that.  

I fell asleep OK and slept great until about 1.  Then I woke up with a headache.  Tried my "One Tylenol, one Advil" approach and that did help but the headache came back around 5.  I got up at 6:30, took Excedrin, went back to bed for a half hour.  I laid in bed petting my faithful Biscuit (not a new photo): 

I cried over him a little, he loves me so much.  He doesn't mind a kiss between his ears, either.  So I gave him some kisses and lots of petting.  I got up.  

Then I gave him and the other cats Thanksgiving breakfast.  I went with Mixed Grill which is a good choice because even Torbie showed up and gobbled away like the other cats, and has not gotten sick either.  

I made some cold lemonade for me but the headache is still around.  Frustrating.  I even ate a lemon pie.  

I got online for a while and checked my email.  Old Navy had a sale on jackets but I wanted one with a hood.  So I didn't buy it.  I deleted all the other sale emails.  I have a little in my checking account and would like to keep it there.  I have 4 hoodies that is more than enough for most of the winter.  We have a very nice vest at work in cream, one of my favorite colors, and also easy for the bus driver to see in the dark!  I plan to pick that up at some point.  

Now Cleo is tearing up the Mixed Grill.  That's actually the food I used to trap her before I took her to be spayed and vetted (she was not very sweet to them).  She really loves it which is why I did buy some cans of it last week.  Don't read the list of ingredients, it is a disgusting mashup of meat by products and fillers but the cats love it so who am I to complain?  

I'm going to take my shower and get dressed.   Done.  Torbie is on the bed, Spotty tried to jump up but didn't make it so I helped him.  He did eat some Mixed Grill which I loved because he never eats wet food.  If I didn't have (sick) Biscuit I would give them wet food every day.  

And it just hit me, how angry I am at the in laws.  Ron used to love Thanksgiving but turned into a surly, depressed, mope every year after they dumped him.  He really thought (as did one of his childhood friends) he had a close, loving, family, but after the accident all was revealed: they were only after their own interests.  They didn't care about him at all.  He used to call them begging to "just talk I want to hear how you are doing" and nothing.  It was heartbreaking to watch.  

Of course this year Ron is having a fantastic day up in Heaven with all his new/old friends, Jesus, God the Father, etc.  Better than any celebration on earth.  But it hurts me to think how sad he was every year.  I need to get over this: Ron doesn't want it.  God doesn't want it.  So I am going to go do my God Time.  

 All done with that and back from my aunt's.  It was fun.  Various cousins and cousins by marriage, their kids, etc.  

I did have a really fun experience.  As you know I hand out the candy bags with a Scripture booklet.  While the bus drivers call me "The Candy Lady" no one ever mentions the booklet.  But tonight we stopped at a gas station on my way home.  I gave both attendants the usual bag of candy.  My aunt said "Oh, Heather" on the way out and I looked, one guy had the booklet out, dug into it, and reading it.  Awesome.  

Now that is all God working on the guy God sent the booklet at the right time.  I'm just the courier and hopefully the person who prays for him diligently.  But it was nice to see I do help.  When/if the guy gets saved that is all "the dude" and of course God working.  I am nothing in that equation.  If I get arrogant God will take away what little I do and give it to someone else, I don't want that to happen.  But, like I said, nice to see.  

On the way home we swung by where I cross the street to verify the light is fixed, and it is.  Good.  Tomorrow I just need to figure out when I am leaving the house so I can get in a little shopping for my tree (lights and a star, maybe another garland), and get my dinner before I start work.  It isn't going to be hot tomorrow so I can take the chocolate candy with the booklets.   

I just put up I guess you would call it a door wrap?  A photo on a thin film of plastic to be taped on the door... this one a Santa with a Merry Christmas message, and some presents with holly sprigs.  I don't really want any presents this year but I am trying to keep my Christmas spirit,  which even 30 years of retail has not quenched.  Joy in Christ is always a good thing.  So I put that up but the photo I took has house address so will not be posting.  But it is cute and festive.  My aunt gave it to me.  

I want to put some more lights and a star on the tree (ideally star will have lights but willing to negotiate on that), maybe another garland, and definitely some ornaments.  Not up for ornaments tonight maybe Saturday after work or Sunday after work.  Then done.  Well I need to think about presents too.  But I don't think anyone is expecting much from me this year considering.  

I did just buy myself some CDM coffee with chicory I really like the taste and it will last me forever.  I don't go through a lot of coffee.  But I do like some in the morning.   My old coffee pot does the job every day.  I really like it with the timer outlet I just set it up the night before and hot coffee when I wake up.  

I am TIRED so going to bed.  

Tuesday afternoon

 I had a pretty quiet day, did take a nap with Torbie and Biscuit.  Pretty crowded in the bed.  I don't worry about rolling over on Biscuit he is a huge cat but Torbie is so dainty now.  We did have a good nap but I woke up with a headache.  I did beat the headache with a fried lemon pie and some Diet Dew I keep for headaches.  

I called my aunt to share some good news.  Seems like I have a sponsor for the ceiling fan.  I will just need to find an installer, I can get the fan at Home Depot.  The last one I got lasted almost 20 years.  Let me see what it was... Hampton Bay.  Good brand.  I hope they still make it.  

So I will figure it out.  Maybe one of my cousins can help he has a home building business.  I will of course buy the fan with the love offering.  

Not that I run around asking for money it's like God rains it down now and then.  It is very interesting.  I still do my charity donations I know one old evangelist would say God is rewarding me for that even in my time of trial.  All I know God is THE provider I just have to wait in faith, go to work every day, honor Him with what he does give me.  I don't give to a church because I don't have one, but I would likely not anyway (not much) because I feel more led to do things like sponsor a child (would love to do that but the numbers don't work), have my missionary (done that for a while), and such.  I like projects that help people's current needs while evangelizing them, which is one reason I started doing the Jesus wells after Ron died (not much but a little monthly).  They set up clean water wells in villages that need it, have a salvation message in the local languages posted up on the well, all are welcome regardless of faith.  Ron really liked that concept.  I thought/think it is a nice way to honor him with my giving.  

My aunt has 4 boys.  One lives up north, two more (including her near neighbor) are moving up with him.  I hope, selfishly, she does not move up there but of course it is her life.  We will see though.  I want her happy and she may be happier up there with them.  She could still see me now and then.  And I would be OK I could still run errands with the guys or Uber.  I handled all that on my own for a while before she stepped up.  I want her to have her own life but I would miss her horribly.  But 3 boys and all those grandbabies up there.... it's got to be a pull.  

Anyway I just need to buy the candy tomorrow morning.  I got paid today and need to put some money in savings but it can wait until next week.  Oh, and when I checked the mail I got an absolutely terrifying surprise, a letter from the IRS.  I opened it with great dread, maybe a screw up on the tax return... no it was a "we sent your stimulus" letter.  Not a good way to endear me, Mr President.  That's as political as I go.  I DO appreciate the $1400 that can pay a lot of bills or a home repair.  A lot of rides for that matter.  But for now it will stay in savings.  There was apparently no problem depositing the check even though it was made to "Ron, deceased, and Heather ___".  The bank was laughing about it actually.  They must get some odd stimulus checks.  

I need to check my cash, I need a certain amount to pay for 3 rides I am taking, two tomorrow and one Friday night.  I am OK for that.  And Yes I have a ride for Friday.  He had called to verify I did not need a ride Thursday as he is (of course) doing a family thing.  I don't know what I would have done if I had to work Thursday.  So we are on for Friday when I do need the ride, good.  

It is interesting having to rely on others for my transportation.  But I assume you drive, you are depending on your mechanic to keep the vehicle running so you can just go outside every day and turn it on.  You are depending on the gas station to have high quality gas for you to pump in your tank, etc.  It's just a different reliance.  

I had a pretty good day considering it's the holidays, my first ones without Ron.  I have never been by myself during a holiday, I was either in my Dad's house or Ron's.  Now it's my house... it will be different.  I am not wailing or playing poor pity me... it's just an adjustment.  But I think I am doing OK.  

I had done the lights on my Christmas tree but they were off balance.  I fixed them today and they look much better.  

My faith carries me and I am glad to say I have not lost it in everything.  I am more dependent on God now than ever because I simply have to be.  I am glad He worked me up to this over the years.  My one grandmother had a rough early life and finally found love, married, became pregnant.  And he died in front of her.  I think that caused her to lose faith even though she said she still believed she didn't show it in her life.  I want to show God in my life.  

On that note I got a Bible sale flyer in the mail... large print New King James with free shipping....tasty!  I don't need any more distribution Bibles but I look at those catalogs the way some people look at cars or wine.  "Ooh, I'd like to get that!"  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning musings

 Normally I do my everyday morning stuff and then get to writing the blog later.  Not today.  

A good night, I slept great, over 10 hours.  Mood is OK considering I am coming up on the first holidays since my husband died.  Facebook showed me a picture of Ron sitting in the kiddie cart this morning, from 12 years ago, I almost broke down seeing that.  For years he loved to ride around in the kiddie cart with me at Walmart playing his music.  One of my work friends remembers that.  

And I got to thinking.  After Ron died I asked God for accurate results on the autopsy that would not point a finger at me.  If we're being completely honest.  Those officers back in 2020 (January) scared the hell out of me they said I could be liable if something happened to Ron.  So, accurate results.  I implored Him very often for that.  

I didn't care what killed Ron, not really.  I mean he's dead and not coming back until the Rapture ("The dead in Christ will rise first" 1 Thess 4:16).  I wanted to know of course.  But I needed to know if it was the accident, or something else.  

As it turns out it was his heart, and the drinking, that killed him.  Reading the autopsy report the ME seemed struck by the fact I had been COMPLETELY honest about Ron's level of drinking the day he died, and overall.  He quoted me in the report.  Interestingly enough Ron's liver was OK.  My mother's had been a mess at her autopsy and she was younger than Ron when he died.  And I believe Ron drank more than her, but I think genetically he was just programmed to have a very robust liver.  

But it wasn't the accident.  Boy that took some time to wrap my head around the fact.  I had been blaming the driver who hit him, for Ron's death.  There was no way, it seemed, Ron could not have died as a result of his injuries.  But this is a Medical Examiner.  In one of the largest cities in the US.  A legal expert witness in trials.  And I had specifically asked God for ACCURATE results.  If I asked God nearly daily, for months, in faith I had to assume He was going to give the truth accordance with His will.  So I accept it was not the accident that killed Ron, although I know it sure messed him up.  And God gave me the grace to send a Facebook message to the driver and let him know he didn't kill Ron.  He never got back to me, he may not have even seen  it, but I sent it.  And I had posted on my wall and other Postal Workers are Facebook friends.  They are a tight knit, gossipy, community (love you guys!) so there are no secrets anywhere.  

So I'm still adapting to that.  I think the holidays are going to be harder than I thought.  I have 29 years of memories with Ron at the holidays.  I will share some of them over the years.  At the end he didn't feel very merry.  He was often sullen and depressed during the holidays after his family dumped us.  They always had special holiday gatherings with the traditional pot of gumbo and other special meals.  They also generally had a lot of drinking and one occasion his BIL passed out on the driveway.  He would go to my aunt's house on occasion and that always cheered him up, she is a lovely hostess and a real gift for sharing God's love with everyone.  But I think he was embarrassed as he declined and didn't want people to see him that way.  So he withdrew.  I had kind of figured I would just remember those years and missing him wouldn't be so hard but I am remembering the other, good, years, as well.  

One example.  Ron always wanted to buy me lavish gifts.  But I often didn't want much.  One year he gave me a (!) wad of cash.  He really enjoyed my reaction to that.  Giving gifts was definitely one of his love languages.  In early years he would have a trusted friend take him out shopping.  Many years I just wanted a fuzzy pair of slippers.  So I would tell him that, and my size, and he and his friend would go shopping.  Once we moved in the house we did that a time or two but as I got online I realized I could just make a list for him on the computer.  

I will use my fiber arts phase as an example.  I had a website I liked.  I got their phone number off the website and put it on a flash drive, along with the items I liked and their prices.  And Ron could look at the lists and decide what he wanted to buy me.  His only request I had to put at least 2 items from each site so I wouldn't know what it was when the box arrived.  So we did that for a while.  It was great, he got to shop at home, I got things I wanted.  

The stores were always delighted to help him; he would tell them he was disabled and wanted to get me a great gift.  One store actually upsold him 😂 "If she likes these items she will LOVE this" and I did.  

For some reason he always wanted to get me jewelry.  And while I like it on occasion I don't see spending a lot of money on it.  I am wearing a $12 titanium wedding band, for instance.  Plus you know I have weight issues, my finger size goes up and down as I gain and lose.  I ride the bus and don't want to get robbed.  If I ever date again I will tell "him" to get me a pendant if he wants to get me a jewelry item because I can hide that from everyone.  

In 2019 we were fixing (literally) Mama cat (who ran off to live with a neighbor! 😂) and her two kittens I basically got Spotty fixed as my Christmas present that year.  And I'm glad I did, he is a great cat albeit a little more territorial than I would like.  

But that's where my head is today.  More later 

Monday

 I just can't have a boring ride to work.  I left on time, got to the bus stop.  The bus stop is very dark and I almost got passed up, again.  I had to jump up and down, wave my arms, wearing a flashing light and a reflective vest.  And I still almost got passed up!  

I rang the bell for the next stop, which is the light I like to use...and the traffic light was completely out!  I had to ride down a mile or two to another traffic light I knew (it was very dark and I wanted to be sure I could cross safely and find the next stop).  I got off, still wearing my light and the vest, went over to the bus stop.  Two guys in hoodies (not black men) were staring at me.  I decided to assume it was the getup and not the fact that they meant me harm.  I got on the next bus (much easier) and got to the transit center.  I made my connection and I have to admit the next bus was much quieter at the early hour than it is when I generally ride.  I got to work OK.  

Work was great, very quiet.  I was cold so I decided to buy myself a sweatshirt, I did that.  I also got a drink and snack but forgot to get my sparkling water.  I was somewhat thirsty as a result.  I looked in Personnel for more availability forms and walked in on some people being disciplined.  Awkward!  I got out of there as fast as I could!  They should have put the sign on the door!  

I clocked in on time, did my job, and left as scheduled at 2.  I took a cab home because it was my Friday night.  I got home pretty quick and started some laundry, laid down for a while with Torbie but couldn't sleep, etc.  Biscuit got in my lap when I talked to my aunt and she started coughing on the phone.  I thought it was funny, dander traveling wirelessly perhaps.  

She just wants me to bring some Peanut M&M's which I can do.  I was worried about trying to bring a pie home Wednesday night but this will work.  The cats are all good I think I have seen all of them except Cleo, who likes to be outside in the backyard when the weather is nice.  And it is nice albeit a little cooler than I like.  

I have no idea what I'm doing for dinner.  I am tired but couldn't nap, I'm not hungry yet but I will need to eat.  The last couple days I set up my coffee pot to brew and had a headache in the morning which prevented me from drinking the coffee.  And this morning I meant to put it (the coffee) into a container and fridge it, but I forgot in my rush to get out of the house.  

I feel a little lost regarding tomorrow.  My aunt is busy so that's out.  I only have the one day before I have to work a long day Wednesday.  So what to do?  

I could go ride a bus to the grocery store and then take a cab home with my stuff, but I am pretty OK on groceries.  I do plan to sleep in no matter what I do.  I think I will likely hang out at home and relax.  I think it is important to recharge.  It is tempting to go go go run run run but I don't think that is what God wants for tomorrow.  I can do ALL the Bible study and prayer time I sometimes neglect.  There are certain things I do every day but a lot more I would like to do.  And I feel like faith activities are the only ones I take OUT of this life so I should do more.  

I wonder what Ron would say about that.  He believed, but did not read his Bible.  He didn't pray much just mainly asking God to take him (which He did).  He did help me on Bible Handouts and supported me in the evangelism but I do wonder.  I am not saying I would like to talk to him again; Jesus was really clear that won't happen (Luke 16:26).  I just wonder if I could ask for his advice (which I can't), would Ron tell me to spend more time.  I venture he would.  

I will see Ron soon enough.  So I will probably do that on my day off, do fun things like shave my armpits when I take my shower, etc.  I am doing laundry tonight hope to have it all done before I go to bed.  Or at least have the last load in the dryer.  I have 2 loads, light/colors and darks.  I am doing the lights right now, I have it on soak then will run a load; probably won't soak the darks as I don't think they need it.  

Still no cycle.  I am convinced it will try to show up at the WORST possible moment so I carry supplies.  And that was some deliberation tonight, do I take everything out of my vest and wash it tonight?  Or do it Thursday?  I decided Thursday will work.  I don't get "dirty" at work.  But I do like to keep the vest fresh.  Anyway I have supplies in a vest pocket if "it" hits at work, and I am wearing a pad every day until the cycle comes or I am convinced it isn't coming.  I still have some PMS symptoms so I am convinced "it" is coming.  Just, when?  I'm not stressing.  

As always a million things I could worry about but I am refusing to allow it.  That's it for now.  

All day Sunday and Monday morning

  Work was OK but busy.  

I took a cab home as I was TIRED up 2 nights in a row.  Ate some dinner.  More digestive upset.  I don't know what is going on.   

[Next day]  I slept OK.  Just tired.  Torbie ate some treats, and some wet food.  So I am happy for her.  She slept with me. 

I am up, at 'em, and fairly ready to go.  My digestive stuff seems to have passed for now.  My only concern, I have to catch the bus in the dark.  It is very dark at the bus stop.  Will he see me?  I will have my reflective vest and a light that is about all I can do.  I have pretty much arranged a ride home from work (I told him I would be calling and he said OK).  

I need to talk to Jack, the Personnel manager at work said she would like to see me extend my availability to 10 PM all nights not just Thursday and Friday, so I will see about that.  My cab driver said he could help those nights, if Jack says it too I will definitely sign up.  Someone at work who works nights may be retiring soon so they may be looking at me to step up.  

I am a hard worker, when they see me I'm always working.  I only take my allotted time for breaks and lunches, I seldom use my phone and then only quickly.  I show up early and leave on time.  I am reliable.  I do what I'm told.  So we will see.  

From a financial standpoint I could use the hours.  And the compression socks do help with me being on my feet for long stretches.  Let me put up a link they are good socks.  compression socks  They even have a cute Christmas pattern which I will not be getting.  Because I can only wear it one month out of the year.  But they are cute.  

I have been thinking about what to wear to Thanksgiving and pretty much settled on sweats and a t-shirt.  The sweats will be comfortable.  I am a widow, no one is expecting me to dress up.  And I will have a nice amount of room to fit all that food!  She's doing ham!  I can't remember the last time I had any sort of holiday (Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving) ham!  And I love ham!  I would never ask her to fix it but if she is I will be eatin' it!  I can wear my slip on "crocs" (Walmart version) as well they are comfy.  

I might do something "cute" at the last minute but I am not looking to date or impress anyone so I am thinking sweats.  Of course I got up at 3 AM what do I know?  I need to get dressed.  I am wearing my compression socks today; I have a couple hours getting to work and then 5 hours on my feet after that.  Well 4:45 because I get a break.  But that's a lot of time on my feet.  And then sometimes the worst part (although I would never share this with the guys) standing outside waiting on the ride, that concrete is HARD.  

Anyway going to get dressed, be back... All dressed.  

I was pretty sad last night.  The overhead fan died (ceiling fan).  Ron was so proud of that fan, that was his first big home improvement thing, not just a repair, he did... he got an electrician out to do a review, got a good fan with me at Home Depot, brought it home I forget how (all this in 2004).  Then he called the electrician back and installed it.  Ron felt it made the house much warmer in the winter as it blew the warm air from the vents down to the floor.  

He loved that fan and now it's dead, too.  I did several trouble shoot things it is really dead (I won't bore with details).  And I am thinking it is not cost effective to replace it right now.  So it will have to wait.  I need to save my pennies for important things not what I consider a luxury item.  

Look how long it took me to replace the toilet and that is not a luxury... we just didn't have the cash.  I don't miss any of that.  But I do feel bad about the fan going right after Ron died.  

The joys of home ownership.  But it is my house that is good to say.  

I am doing pretty good I still have 20 minutes before I have to leave.  I am going to eat a granola bar and do other things before I go, just wanted to keep you posted.  

That's it for now.  I have tomorrow off so definitely a longer post then.  

Sunday morning

 Yesterday went fine at work.   I like it busy, that was especially important months ago for the grief process.  I took the bus both ways.  Some notable homeless people including one guy with a bucket of scrap metal who was very slow getting on/off bus, caused me to miss my connection and wait another half hour.  BUT I had a nice cold soda in my bag I had been unable to drink (mask rules plus no eating/drinking on bus anyway that has been a standing policy).  I also had a granola bar so I pushed my mask down and worked on them.  I was very patient for about 20 minutes.  😂  I admit I got a little restless afterward.  But he came and I got going.  

Then the walk home from the bus stop.  There is a guy in my subdivision has ridden the bus for years.  He was on that bus, had a few groceries.  I saw his house one day when I was out for a walk, he came by and went in the house.  It is a very nice house so I assume he lives with family.  At any rate he is no bother and I feel safe around him.  

Got home, there's Torbie.  She was still in my bed looking plush and pampered.  She ate some treats which I found encouraging.  She is still drinking water, her favorite being shower water after I am done.  It is cute to see her lapping it up.  So much better than the water out of the cat bowl!  

I was pretty beat, I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep Friday night and then a long day to/from/at work.  I called my parents.  Mom had a bad reaction to her booster but is fine now.  I ate a few hot dogs and went to bed early.  

Torbie got in my bed so I was very careful of her.  She parked dead center of the bed so not much room for me.  Then Biscuit joined us really no room now.  I probably would have been OK with that but I woke up in the middle of the night with gripping abdominal pains.  I ran to the bathroom and spent about half an hour emptying my gut.  There is nothing left now, some more pain (cramps) but I got it all out whatever it was.  Still have to work.  

So we will see how that goes today.  I am not going to eat anything for now.  I did have a diet Mountain Dew to wake up though.  I didn't get much room between the cats and whatever happened with my belly but feeling better now albeit tired.  

It is interesting to me, there are some very odd people on the one bus route, I believe because they have a homeless outreach center on the route.  So you get a lot of them riding to/from that point, begging on the busy street, etc.  My local bus does not have that problem, I think the homeless are afraid of the neighborhoods.  I am all for helping people but they have a shower facility at the outreach site, use it already.  They give out clothes, and have a clothes washing facility.  Use them.  The guy yesterday with the scrap metal was a white guy, but so dirty he looked black.  There was a notable odor.  I put my hair up every day because I don't want to get lice and bedbugs but that is why so many "normal" people don't want to ride the city bus.  You wouldn't let them NEAR your car, much less in it, but they're sitting behind me on the bus, leaning forward into me and breathing heavily.  And the dude had like 5 knives on his belt.  What the hell?!  

Anyway Torbie wants more treats so I am going to go do that.  That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 Well I managed to ride the bus OK, get to work, run around doing my retail worker bee thing.  I got that done, came home, talked to my aunt, my parents, went to bed.  

My aunt's TV died last night so they will be checking out the Black Friday TV deals today.  Now is the day to do it, it's really ideal timing.  I just hope it is easy for them to set up.  

My parents are pretty good, my Mom had a bad reaction to her booster and had severe chills but otherwise OK.  Dad was fine.  Happily I take after Dad in regard to vaccines and haven't had any issues with mine.  I don't plan to get the booster.  

Yesterday I had a muscle twitching in my arm, I think it was too much caffeine + my medication so I skipped last night and this morning, will go back to "as usual" tonight.  

My weight is stuck around 210 which is a bummer.  I will have to be a little more strict on my eating.  I want to have a good Thanksgiving meal without worrying about if I'll fit into my pants the next day.  And I do have to work the next day.  My cycle is also MIA which is to be expected at this time of my life.  I know fertility has come to an end and I'm OK with that.  

From a selfish standpoint, it would have been nice to have Ron's adult child to console me.  But we both had so many genetic issues - just the migraines, or the blindness, would have been awful.  So I remind myself of that.  

Yes I am alone but to be honest I was alone for years before Ron died.  It is just more obvious now.  And he stepped out before the Alzheimer's got really bad.  He could still appreciate me, still loved me, still wanted me around.  All that would have gone, and, like my aunt said, everything on the brain exam came back Alzheimer's.  I think the fact I noted "sundowning" (did not call it that called it "rowdy all night" in my log) in my journal also led the ME to investigate that.  It was hard to find out he had that, on my birthday.  I felt so bad for him literally losing his mind.  Sometimes I would get impatient at being woken up repeatedly all night and yell at him (a couple times), I feel bad about that now he really couldn't help it.  

I have not seen Torbie this morning.  I suspect she is gone.  I told her it was OK to go, that Ron was waiting for her.  I meant it.  She was obviously not herself the last week.  I can't find her in the house?  So she must be outside.  I will look in the yard before I go to work.  If I do find her dead I will have to figure out burial details.  But I won't worry about it yet I am still getting over the headache.  

My hands are better than yesterday as well.  I have had about 300 mg of caffeine so far today and plan to take an Advil + Tylenol if the headache comes back.  That doesn't have any caffeine.  I also did a lemon pie.  I do feel much better now I think some of this is hormonal; my body wants the old way back but the hormones to do it are lacking.  And I'm OK with that like I said.  

The nice thing for me, by the time I do date, if I do, children will not be any kind of option.  So I won't have to have that discussion with "him".  I just hope I can get a single guy not a divorced one with a bunch of baggage and entitled stepkids.  

I hunted around and found Torbie in the feral cat shelter I made outside, it is freezing cold.  I startled her and she ran back towards the house.  When I got back in the house I told her to please stay in the house, don't go off in the cold to die...picked her up gently and held her for a minute.  If she goes missing again at least I know where to find her.  I want to do a good hospice for her.  

She's been a good cat and deserves to be safe, warm, and loved.  But cats, in my experience, do this, they want to go off and hide somewhere outside when they pass.  I never did find Shadow (breast cancer).  Poor Ron kept asking for her, I just said she went out.  Later on when he was with it I told him.  But she seems inclined to stay in the house.  I don't care where she dies I will fix it up, I just want her to be comfortable.  She is a good little cat.  

So I need to go take my shower, I will do that now.   Done even shaved.  Torbie has settled into one of her spots and looks cozy.  I feel much better about that.  It reminds me of the song "God Went North" when the singer's mother is dying of cancer and he is telling God please just take her already.  

I try to put a brave face on it but I'm really going to miss her.  She was "my" cat for years but slowly bonded to Ron.  Remember the posts I would write, how she'd get up in bed with him and he'd push her out, hoping for Baby Girl?  (Who never came).  Gradually she kept coming back and he accepted her, and I am pretty sure she was with him when he died.  She was the most upset at his death, crying all over the house that night until I gave her his blanket.  And she's old, at least 15 years old.  So it's her time but I wish I had found her like I did Ron.  This hospice stuff is awful, waiting for someone to die.  And she's a cat.  I did have a good cry just now so hopefully that will help emotionally.  I don't want to be the "Oh she did so well at her husband's death but lost it when the cat died" people.  But I know now where to find her if I can't find her in the house (and I did make a pretty cozy feral shelter if I do say).  It's just hard to watch, and I know this is God's way of showing me why He took Ron the way He did.  A quick cardiac event vs. lingering for weeks or months, no question what Ron would have wanted.  And I accept that now, I do.  It was horrible to find him dead but he's at peace now.  

I won't say what, but he was wracked with guilt over one sin in particular (not involving me) and he is at peace over that now.  

It is sunny now and supposed to get warmer later, my commute shouldn't be too bad.  It is always easier when I leave during the day to catch my ride vs. early morning.  Early morning I have issues getting seen by the bus, the bus stop is not well lit and the driver is going at a pretty good clip.  But last time she did see me.  Problem is I have a variable schedule so it's not like the driver can say "Oh this run I get the candy lady at the XYZ stop".  Thursday and Friday that is all set but not the other days, necessarily.  Saturday and Sunday should be OK this week, but Monday I have to be out there at 5, I think, and definitely on Wednesday which is going to be a long day anyway.  I may just hire a ride each way to work on Wednesday I haven't decided yet.  I need to look at my budget.  

I am debating shutting the cat door so Torbie can't go out but she may want to go die outside and who am I to stop her?  I hope she stays in my yard, that would be awful if one of the neighbor kids found her.  

I haven't figured out what I am doing with the matting on Baby Girl.  My budget is fried so I need to be frugal.  I don't have a lot of money left and I need to be smart with it.  For sure it will probably be a month until I get Ron's money.  And I need to have a plan for that when I do get it.  Lots of pieces to figure out.  

That's it for now, I may do another post before I leave for work.  

Sorry I didn't do a Wednesday post

 I got up early and went to work early.  I had to talk to someone but they were not in (nothing bad).  A little frustrating but they are OK with me in the breakroom.  I did get some good bus connections, bam, bam, bam I think I got there in an hour and a half (that is good for me).  No waits in between.  I took the bus home and did have a wait at one bus stop, I talked to a retired veteran.  He was angry he had lost his license and had to ride the bus.  He was nice enough but my Dad's age.  

I have really lost the luster for older men these days.  How long until they have issues, if they don't already?  And I am not talking about sex.  To me that is just a piece of the puzzle not the whole show.  From what I read in my menopause group I won't have such an easy time myself...anyway do they already have high blood pressure, diabetes, other conditions that will kill them early?  

And the healthy eating good lifestyle types would want a lot from me - workout partner, cooking fresh veggies every night.  One guy said he wouldn't eat any food that came out of a microwave as it was "dead".  I can understand the viewpoint but that just really increased prep times on all his food.  And the dishes!  

So still not looking a little over 4 years before I do look.  We are about eight and a half months out.  If I was pregnant with Ron's baby I would be getting ready to give birth.  

So work was pretty average last night I stayed busy.  Came home on the bus, that took a while but it was at least still light out.  Got home OK, checked the mail.  Got some legal papers from the clinic basically a summary of what they did and a notification I am Ron's legal heir.  Got another property tax bill this one $200.  Some Medicare advantage junk for Ron.  They still haven't figured out he's dead.  I guess Medicare didn't tell them.  

Social security didn't waste any time when the crematory told them he was dead.  Bam told the bank who froze his account, no more checks, etc.  He died on the 6th so I got to keep the check he got on the first, though.  That went to auto pays the first month.  Then the bank froze the account.  

But the lawyers have been great I have no complaints on them.  The primary was a law student and then a supervising lawyer over her (my understanding).  I met both of them the other day.  The boss was very happy to get the candy.  

There are just a lot of moving pieces.  I went to bed early last night.  My parents were busy and did not want to talk.  Certainly their right.  Happily I was not "very" depressed yesterday.  So I went to bed early and woke up around 1 AM with a horrible headache, one sided so likely working on a migraine.  I took some Excedrin and drank part of a cold diet Mountain Dew and went back to bed, was able to sleep, woke up around 6, still had the headache.  I got up again and did the Excedrin and Mountain Dew thing.  Went back to bed for about 30 minutes.  The headache mostly vanished, got up.  

I was OK until I had to use the app to complete my health screening today.  I have to complete it every day I work just affirming I am not sick.  My hands were shaking from the caffeine!  I could barely click the answers!  Very embarrassing and frustrating.  I felt very feeble, let me tell you.  But God got me through it.  I don't have to use the app again for almost 6 hours so the caffeine should have cleared my system by then.  I can tell you I will not be consuming any more caffeine today.  

I did decide something yesterday, if I ride the bus home I will buy myself a soda to drink on the way.  That is $2 versus a $20 ride home.  I can live with that.  I will be riding the bus home another couple days this week, Saturday and Sunday.  Then Monday I will pay for a ride home because that will have been the 6th day worked in a row.  One of the employees tried to correct me, saying the Walmart work week starts on a Saturday and goes to Friday, but 6 days in a row is 6 days in a row.  Most of the days are not long days and I do appreciate getting the hours.  I don't want to look like I'm complaining, but I will appreciate that ride home on Monday.  

I will get a ride home tonight and tomorrow too.  Jack has been very reliable.  If he can't do it his wife helps.  They are great people.  And the bus is fairly reliable going home earlier in the day.  

I do get a little "eeky" trying to cross that busy street outside the store to get to the bus stop but I do it.  I pray before and during I don't mind admitting.  I think I will always have issues with traffic.  It isn't even just Ron getting run over, although that's most of it.  I saw him in the hospital every day after that and it wrecked him, if you will forgive a pun.  Then out riding around on paratransit one day we are coming down (busy street) and I see a car stopped off to the side, a woman lying on the ground in front of it (obviously a pedestrian) she had broken her leg (you could tell by looking although it wasn't a compound fracture) and was lying on the ground screaming.  Then, a year or two later, the freeway feeder road, another pedestrian hit by a car.  I didn't see him this time but he had been knocked out of his shoes and I could see one shoe, then the car, couldn't see in front of the car thank God.  So 3 people hit by a car NO WONDER I am hesitant around traffic.  They just drive crazy here and we have some mean streets.  If I get another man I hope he is a safe driver so I can get off them.  In the meantime I will pray a lot and take that extra step to get up to the traffic light on my street so I can cross safely.  

I have never once crossed at the light and said "What a waste I could have done that at home".  NEVER.  My actual house is in a pretty safe area but getting to that work bound bus stop is a challenge.  

Thank you all for the very nice compliments!  I still have a way to go but I'm getting there.  The whole moderation thing seems to work although I am very careful with "white" carbs and sugar.  I had a Nutrigrain bar when I took my antidepressant this morning.  I am thinking about doing oatmeal and a protein shake in the morning, we will see.  I hear really good things about oatmeal and I have an electric kettle which makes it really easy.  

I have about 40 pounds to go to my goal of 170.  I was happy at that, people said I looked good, I had a little reserve if I got sick but not flabby.  I just want to be healthy.  Mainly I don't want my family to go through what I did watching Ron decline and then finding him dead and waiting agonized for months on cause of death.  Turns out on that the reason it took so long they sent some samples of Ron's brain to an expert for analysis did he really have Alzheimer's.  And he did.  Nothing I can do to prevent Alzheimer's but healthy living.  But I am making better choices now.  

Which is why I am liking the idea of a protein shake in the morning.  I have found a pretty good powder at Walmart which means I get it on my discount.  I would get disposable cups so I can just toss the cup.  I suspect it will be better for my hair, too.  It is thinner than I would like.  It is still pretty full as you could see but I can see scalp.  Some of that is likely due to the medication, one of them can cause hair loss.  Then we have stress: finding my husband dead just like that.  Then hormones changing as I transition.  

Last night (it was about 6) I took a full shower except for my hair.  I think that is a good policy at the store and using the public bathroom, during the holidays.  The plan is to do the full wash when I get home and then just hair/essentials in the morning.  So every day I work, every day I can (Friday night is out due to a very short turnaround for work), come home, shower.  Then wash my hair in the morning.  

I did take a full shower at night one day and went to work the next day, by the time I got to work (this was the summer with me standing around at bus stops for a while and walking in the heat carrying my bag) my hair was less than optimal.  And of course the big boss came by and stood near me (looking at me!) and my less than optimal hair... so I said to myself "I am always washing hair in the morning before work".  I doubt she remembers but I do.  

So I will have to do 2 showers.  But most households do 2 showers a day so I don't feel that's a bad thing.  Maybe a little more on the water and gas bill but I can do that.  I just want to give my immune system a fighting chance every day.  I read about taking a shower every day as a way to prevent flu but it makes sense for a lot of illness.  I mean a public toilet is a great example.  No, I don't use the paper, the germs are going to go right through that.  So I sit on the toilet.  It has germs that is a given.  They get on my butt and upper thighs.  I go through my work day with this, get home.  If I use my toilet before I wash up I will get those germs on MY seat.  Which I like to think is pretty clean.  So I get in the shower first, then then use mine.  I have gotten weird little infections already so I know that is work.  And the custodians are very diligent I have seen that.  I suppose I could bring disinfecting wipes in a baggie and I may get to that point eventually; but for now I think this will work.  

So last night I'm fresh and clean sitting in front of my computer.  And I'm wondering "Where is the grooming tool I ordered?"  So I look on Amazon and it says delivered.  I got pretty angry because it was not on the porch when I got home.  Thoughts "Lousy neighborhood...delivered to the neighbor who was too lazy to give it to me..." etc.  Then I thought just open the door and look, and of course there it was.  I felt pretty foolish!  I got it out and used it on her (a lot of treats were involved).  She doesn't mind it much but is just skittish about me working on that area in general, but the mats did look better when I finished.  Not gone, but better.  So maybe worth the $20.  That would be a cab ride to the groomer most likely.  One way.  So a good investment.  I don't want her uncomfortable.  

I'm going to take my shower now (what there is of it to do).   That is done.  I used my volumizing 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner.  I also had a nice bar of Dr Woods lavender soap.  It was not too strong which is a good thing on headache days.  

I like to get up early on Thursday so I have plenty of time.  I still have 2 hours before I have to leave for work.    

[later]  Dressed checked my bag, have all my stuff including cash to pay for ride home, stun gun, bus pass, extra "protection" because my cycle is over a week late... could be months late like that one time or show up tonight, got to be prepared either way.  

I just have something on hand every day until I get it, go through it, and then take a couple weeks off before I start "carrying" again.  It is the best I can do.  I got some advice from the menopause group on that.  

Because I think the expectation is it's been over 30 years I should know my body.  Well, it doesn't want to cut loose so far.  Probably Thanksgiving when I am at my aunt's house and how will that translate to waste in the trash can?!   I think I will bring a plastic bag and a brown paper bag just in case.  I can stick them in the back pocket of my jeans.  

It is a nice sunny day, a little cool but that means I can bring chocolate to the bus drivers.  They will like that.  I will be OK once I get going I am just a little depressed now.  

Thank God I seem to be OK on the headache.  

Musings on my body issues

 Feel free to skip, this won't affect my daily narrative.  

When I was a child I was underweight and small for my age.  I remember my parents encouraging me to eat and praising me for gaining weight and getting taller.  Then I caught up with my age group and the narrative flipped 180 degrees.  I remember one time I went in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of skim milk (I drank buckets of milk which is probably one reason I made it to five foot seven inches).  I was drinking it and my stepmother said "You're going to get as big as the side of a barn".  

What?  It was skim milk.  I think most dieticians would be thrilled a teenager chose that for a snack.  Anyway this is not meant to castigate people who meant well, but to set a frame for my thinking.  

So I grew up thinking "fat" was the worst thing ever.  I remember when my doctors were thinking to put me on an antidepressant, back in the 80's there were not a lot of choices.  My stepmother discussed it with me, including possible side effects which could mean weight gain.  Instead I had loss of appetite and lost weight, becoming very thin.  

They took me off the antidepressant when I was about 17.  It didn't do much good, to be honest.  So I didn't miss it.  I was not allowed to eat the junk snacks in the house which I see now was a favor.  I met Ron at age 17, moved out with him right after I turned 18, and then I could eat anything I wanted.  So I gradually gained some weight, tried to lose it with low fat and calorie counting, which didn't work well.  I continued to gain, I knew nothing of insulin resistance or low carb diets although I am sure I saw some Atkins diet books at the thrift store.  But I always figured if a diet book was any good the owner would keep it, not toss it in the "donate" basket.  

Then at work one day, in 2002, we had a customer who had some strange requests.  Tuna salad without bread.  A hot dog without the bun.  And she was losing weight I could see it.  So we asked her and she said Atkins, that stuck in my head.  

Ron had his accident.  Now I need to backstep a little for Ron.  When I first met him he was my height and weighed about 140 pounds.  He gained weight when he got an office job and slowly got up to about 220 when we started the business.  

Ron lost his weight in ICU after the accident, his body called on every reserve to pull through.  But I was still around 220.  I remembered the lady at work and got an Atkins diet book.  Ron came home, I had to care for him 24/7 so I could only eat what I had in the house, and I only bought snacks for him and things approved for the diet.  Ron drank buckets of cranberry juice, for instance, but I didn't touch it and would have fried eggs or something instead.  I lost a lot of weight, about 40 pounds in 3 months.  Ron was thrilled.  

He was less thrilled when I stopped eating on plan and gained it all back, lost it again, and gained it back again.  I couldn't do strict low carb I needed more variety.  I figured out a lower carb plan that worked for me and lost about 20 pounds before he got really sick, stress eating, gained it back.  

Notice a theme?  It also bothered me when I would lose rapidly, I felt out of control, not in control of my body and someone else was driving my metabolism.  It's not logical but there it is.  And I am having that to some degree right now.  

I want to lose at a good rate that doesn't freak me out.  I don't know what that rate is.  I am also driven by imminent menopause and the fact I really have so long to lose "easily" before that hits and weight loss comes to a screeching halt.  Two opposing forces.  

I am holding steady right now about 208.  Happily I am not gaining.  

I have decided my day with my aunt is going to be my "off" or cheat day when I eat whatever I want, as long as I'm hungry, within reason.  And my aunt would say something if I went wild.  I haven't yet.  And today at lunch I had my sandwich, half a vanilla malt (next time I will get a medium instead of large), and about 6 french fries.  And that's all I ate aside from the diet soda.  

And I only have diet soda when I am at work (twenty ounces tops, maybe 40 if it is a long day), or out with my aunt.  The rest of the time I don't have it.  I do have a little in the house for traveling to my aunt's house next week, and also in case I get a migraine because a cold diet soda really does help.  

I am not at the point of ready to work out just yet, but I am working on it.  That will of course help.  But the hour and a half a day workouts are not happening again.  I have an exercise bike, I can use that, it also gets me off my feet 👍 which is a bonus working retail.  I have some kettlebells.  Between them I can have some good workouts.  I would like to do a little cardio and a little weights nothing crazy.  After all I do have to work with that body and if I tear myself up during a workout I won't be a very effective employee.  So that's on the burner but not just yet.  

I do walk a lot to/from bus stop for work.  And walk a lot in the store just getting to the breakroom and my work station.  I will get this I am going to take my time though and do it right, so hopefully I don't gain it back.  

I do expect to gain some weight back when I hit menopause as I hear a 20-40 pound gain is pretty common.  So I want to be "under" what I consider ideal so I will end at a good point I can live with.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday afternoon

 Not just a Chicago song... 

I had a pretty busy day.  We went to the Walmart and got some candy (one that was on the way to the law clinic).  We went to the clinic and met with "my" lawyer and her student who did the legwork.  They both complimented the will it was done very well by my uncle, a retired lawyer.  The whole probate process is about done.  

Then we went to my bank and got the ball rolling on the estate account.  We also put the stimulus check addressed to Ronald Deceased and Heather (last name) into my savings account.  There was no problem with that oddly enough.  But hey I can use that in my savings, that a new water heater or half a new roof.  I can fix a lot of problems with that.  I was OK for cash so I didn't get any.  There is a process on the estate account, a couple days probably, but the ball is rolling on that.  

We went to lunch.  I thought my aunt would enjoy a Hatch Chili burger from Whataburger and I was right.  They are a limited time offering.  She ate half a junior, had like 3 fries.  That is how she stays so slim!  

Then Walmart I did my shopping.  Not much notable except lentils have almost doubled in price.  I was able to afford what I got.  I got some canned cat food to tempt Torbie but she hasn't eaten any yet.  But if she won't the other cats will.  They are pretty smart, when they see me with that foam plate in my hand they start begging.  They know what is coming I only get those plates out for cat food.  

Then we went to the Mexican bakery.  The manager is fairly surly but they make good pastry.  It smelled divine walking in there.  

I had my aunt get a photo on the way out (I only bought one thing, a cream puff, which I have yet to eat).  

Then we came home, I put my stuff away, and then she left.  I fed the cats a can and it was very popular.  I took my medication a little later than I ate but it still worked out.  

I plan to take a nap pretty soon if the caffeine will let me.  We'll see.  That's it for now.