Monday afternoon

 I got a good nap but got depressed again.  I ate early and took my evening meds so that's done at any rate.  I have been considering a present for my stepmother for some time and decided to go with the brewed cacao.  It is like coffee and brewed like coffee, it apparently is very tasty.  She loves chocolate but watches her figure so this will be a good compromise.  It had very good reviews.  And a really good Cyber Monday special.  Shipping was $2 and a big chunk off the list price (Crio Bru).  

I put some ornaments on the tree and will put some more shortly.  I am taking it in stages.  Ron never wanted to decorate a tree with me.  Being blind it just didn't matter to him, and he was not "sort of' blind he was 100% sightless.  Legally blind he could have enjoyed the lights at least, and he did say he remembered lights on the tree when he was little and had minimal vision.  He liked to hear I had put lights on the tree but didn't care about ornaments.  So I have an odd relationship with Christmas tree ornaments.  Ron would want me to enjoy them, though.  

Then a horrid depression.  Boo.  I went outside for a while and talked to my aunt a little on the phone.  Dad is busy tonight and doesn't want a phone call.  That sounds mean.  He can't talk tonight.  There.  

I mean, what's the protocol for a depressed, widowed, family member?  How much do you step up?  How long?  I don't know the answer myself.  I don't want to be a leech on anyone.  But hard as it is to admit I need a shoulder sometimes.  My aunt has been great: tireless, supportive, etc.  When I got the email from Walmart they wanted me at orientation in 3 hours she is the one who gave me a ride.  I remember things like that; and I felt OK calling her to ask.  

Sometimes, like Ron's family, you could ask, and they might even do it, but you would pay for it.  They would also show up late, with an attitude.  Ron's brother, for instance, couldn't just say he didn't want to take us to the airport, he screwed up one ride so bad we almost missed our plane, then got an attitude when Ron complained.  So next time we called a cab and the brother got an attitude about that.  You just couldn't win, if you asked them for help or if you didn't, but results made it pretty clear they didn't want us asking.  

I was likely a fool for asking for Ron's baby pictures but figured they would just be thrown away anyway.  Ron's nephew had the balls to tell me how "great" they were before he ghosted me several times and I gave up.  They want the photos because that's the illusion they were all loving and such, but they don't want the person who really loved him to have them either.  

I did unspeakable things for Ron for well over a year.  And I was happy to do it because he needed me.  I signed up for that when I married him.  That's love.  Not sharing DNA.  

I do think Ron and I were wise not to have kids.  I mean, not that we could have done a reversal on his vastectomy on our budget but I do think I had 3 different miscarriages (sometimes the procedure is not 100%).  God knew we couldn't handle kids with what we had coming for Ron.  I see that in the caregiver group, a totally burned out woman with small kids and a demanding senior.  I would have snapped, or had to put Ron in a facility because at the end I think the kids always (should) come first.   

Boy how's that for cheering myself up?  I am really thinking to go to bed early tonight.  That's it for now.