Friday morning

 Well I managed to ride the bus OK, get to work, run around doing my retail worker bee thing.  I got that done, came home, talked to my aunt, my parents, went to bed.  

My aunt's TV died last night so they will be checking out the Black Friday TV deals today.  Now is the day to do it, it's really ideal timing.  I just hope it is easy for them to set up.  

My parents are pretty good, my Mom had a bad reaction to her booster and had severe chills but otherwise OK.  Dad was fine.  Happily I take after Dad in regard to vaccines and haven't had any issues with mine.  I don't plan to get the booster.  

Yesterday I had a muscle twitching in my arm, I think it was too much caffeine + my medication so I skipped last night and this morning, will go back to "as usual" tonight.  

My weight is stuck around 210 which is a bummer.  I will have to be a little more strict on my eating.  I want to have a good Thanksgiving meal without worrying about if I'll fit into my pants the next day.  And I do have to work the next day.  My cycle is also MIA which is to be expected at this time of my life.  I know fertility has come to an end and I'm OK with that.  

From a selfish standpoint, it would have been nice to have Ron's adult child to console me.  But we both had so many genetic issues - just the migraines, or the blindness, would have been awful.  So I remind myself of that.  

Yes I am alone but to be honest I was alone for years before Ron died.  It is just more obvious now.  And he stepped out before the Alzheimer's got really bad.  He could still appreciate me, still loved me, still wanted me around.  All that would have gone, and, like my aunt said, everything on the brain exam came back Alzheimer's.  I think the fact I noted "sundowning" (did not call it that called it "rowdy all night" in my log) in my journal also led the ME to investigate that.  It was hard to find out he had that, on my birthday.  I felt so bad for him literally losing his mind.  Sometimes I would get impatient at being woken up repeatedly all night and yell at him (a couple times), I feel bad about that now he really couldn't help it.  

I have not seen Torbie this morning.  I suspect she is gone.  I told her it was OK to go, that Ron was waiting for her.  I meant it.  She was obviously not herself the last week.  I can't find her in the house?  So she must be outside.  I will look in the yard before I go to work.  If I do find her dead I will have to figure out burial details.  But I won't worry about it yet I am still getting over the headache.  

My hands are better than yesterday as well.  I have had about 300 mg of caffeine so far today and plan to take an Advil + Tylenol if the headache comes back.  That doesn't have any caffeine.  I also did a lemon pie.  I do feel much better now I think some of this is hormonal; my body wants the old way back but the hormones to do it are lacking.  And I'm OK with that like I said.  

The nice thing for me, by the time I do date, if I do, children will not be any kind of option.  So I won't have to have that discussion with "him".  I just hope I can get a single guy not a divorced one with a bunch of baggage and entitled stepkids.  

I hunted around and found Torbie in the feral cat shelter I made outside, it is freezing cold.  I startled her and she ran back towards the house.  When I got back in the house I told her to please stay in the house, don't go off in the cold to die...picked her up gently and held her for a minute.  If she goes missing again at least I know where to find her.  I want to do a good hospice for her.  

She's been a good cat and deserves to be safe, warm, and loved.  But cats, in my experience, do this, they want to go off and hide somewhere outside when they pass.  I never did find Shadow (breast cancer).  Poor Ron kept asking for her, I just said she went out.  Later on when he was with it I told him.  But she seems inclined to stay in the house.  I don't care where she dies I will fix it up, I just want her to be comfortable.  She is a good little cat.  

So I need to go take my shower, I will do that now.   Done even shaved.  Torbie has settled into one of her spots and looks cozy.  I feel much better about that.  It reminds me of the song "God Went North" when the singer's mother is dying of cancer and he is telling God please just take her already.  

I try to put a brave face on it but I'm really going to miss her.  She was "my" cat for years but slowly bonded to Ron.  Remember the posts I would write, how she'd get up in bed with him and he'd push her out, hoping for Baby Girl?  (Who never came).  Gradually she kept coming back and he accepted her, and I am pretty sure she was with him when he died.  She was the most upset at his death, crying all over the house that night until I gave her his blanket.  And she's old, at least 15 years old.  So it's her time but I wish I had found her like I did Ron.  This hospice stuff is awful, waiting for someone to die.  And she's a cat.  I did have a good cry just now so hopefully that will help emotionally.  I don't want to be the "Oh she did so well at her husband's death but lost it when the cat died" people.  But I know now where to find her if I can't find her in the house (and I did make a pretty cozy feral shelter if I do say).  It's just hard to watch, and I know this is God's way of showing me why He took Ron the way He did.  A quick cardiac event vs. lingering for weeks or months, no question what Ron would have wanted.  And I accept that now, I do.  It was horrible to find him dead but he's at peace now.  

I won't say what, but he was wracked with guilt over one sin in particular (not involving me) and he is at peace over that now.  

It is sunny now and supposed to get warmer later, my commute shouldn't be too bad.  It is always easier when I leave during the day to catch my ride vs. early morning.  Early morning I have issues getting seen by the bus, the bus stop is not well lit and the driver is going at a pretty good clip.  But last time she did see me.  Problem is I have a variable schedule so it's not like the driver can say "Oh this run I get the candy lady at the XYZ stop".  Thursday and Friday that is all set but not the other days, necessarily.  Saturday and Sunday should be OK this week, but Monday I have to be out there at 5, I think, and definitely on Wednesday which is going to be a long day anyway.  I may just hire a ride each way to work on Wednesday I haven't decided yet.  I need to look at my budget.  

I am debating shutting the cat door so Torbie can't go out but she may want to go die outside and who am I to stop her?  I hope she stays in my yard, that would be awful if one of the neighbor kids found her.  

I haven't figured out what I am doing with the matting on Baby Girl.  My budget is fried so I need to be frugal.  I don't have a lot of money left and I need to be smart with it.  For sure it will probably be a month until I get Ron's money.  And I need to have a plan for that when I do get it.  Lots of pieces to figure out.  

That's it for now, I may do another post before I leave for work.