Normally I do my everyday morning stuff and then get to writing the blog later. Not today.
A good night, I slept great, over 10 hours. Mood is OK considering I am coming up on the first holidays since my husband died. Facebook showed me a picture of Ron sitting in the kiddie cart this morning, from 12 years ago, I almost broke down seeing that. For years he loved to ride around in the kiddie cart with me at Walmart playing his music. One of my work friends remembers that.
And I got to thinking. After Ron died I asked God for accurate results on the autopsy that would not point a finger at me. If we're being completely honest. Those officers back in 2020 (January) scared the hell out of me they said I could be liable if something happened to Ron. So, accurate results. I implored Him very often for that.
I didn't care what killed Ron, not really. I mean he's dead and not coming back until the Rapture ("The dead in Christ will rise first" 1 Thess 4:16). I wanted to know of course. But I needed to know if it was the accident, or something else.
As it turns out it was his heart, and the drinking, that killed him. Reading the autopsy report the ME seemed struck by the fact I had been COMPLETELY honest about Ron's level of drinking the day he died, and overall. He quoted me in the report. Interestingly enough Ron's liver was OK. My mother's had been a mess at her autopsy and she was younger than Ron when he died. And I believe Ron drank more than her, but I think genetically he was just programmed to have a very robust liver.
But it wasn't the accident. Boy that took some time to wrap my head around the fact. I had been blaming the driver who hit him, for Ron's death. There was no way, it seemed, Ron could not have died as a result of his injuries. But this is a Medical Examiner. In one of the largest cities in the US. A legal expert witness in trials. And I had specifically asked God for ACCURATE results. If I asked God nearly daily, for months, in faith I had to assume He was going to give the truth accordance with His will. So I accept it was not the accident that killed Ron, although I know it sure messed him up. And God gave me the grace to send a Facebook message to the driver and let him know he didn't kill Ron. He never got back to me, he may not have even seen it, but I sent it. And I had posted on my wall and other Postal Workers are Facebook friends. They are a tight knit, gossipy, community (love you guys!) so there are no secrets anywhere.
So I'm still adapting to that. I think the holidays are going to be harder than I thought. I have 29 years of memories with Ron at the holidays. I will share some of them over the years. At the end he didn't feel very merry. He was often sullen and depressed during the holidays after his family dumped us. They always had special holiday gatherings with the traditional pot of gumbo and other special meals. They also generally had a lot of drinking and one occasion his BIL passed out on the driveway. He would go to my aunt's house on occasion and that always cheered him up, she is a lovely hostess and a real gift for sharing God's love with everyone. But I think he was embarrassed as he declined and didn't want people to see him that way. So he withdrew. I had kind of figured I would just remember those years and missing him wouldn't be so hard but I am remembering the other, good, years, as well.
One example. Ron always wanted to buy me lavish gifts. But I often didn't want much. One year he gave me a (!) wad of cash. He really enjoyed my reaction to that. Giving gifts was definitely one of his love languages. In early years he would have a trusted friend take him out shopping. Many years I just wanted a fuzzy pair of slippers. So I would tell him that, and my size, and he and his friend would go shopping. Once we moved in the house we did that a time or two but as I got online I realized I could just make a list for him on the computer.
I will use my fiber arts phase as an example. I had a website I liked. I got their phone number off the website and put it on a flash drive, along with the items I liked and their prices. And Ron could look at the lists and decide what he wanted to buy me. His only request I had to put at least 2 items from each site so I wouldn't know what it was when the box arrived. So we did that for a while. It was great, he got to shop at home, I got things I wanted.
The stores were always delighted to help him; he would tell them he was disabled and wanted to get me a great gift. One store actually upsold him 😂 "If she likes these items she will LOVE this" and I did.
For some reason he always wanted to get me jewelry. And while I like it on occasion I don't see spending a lot of money on it. I am wearing a $12 titanium wedding band, for instance. Plus you know I have weight issues, my finger size goes up and down as I gain and lose. I ride the bus and don't want to get robbed. If I ever date again I will tell "him" to get me a pendant if he wants to get me a jewelry item because I can hide that from everyone.
In 2019 we were fixing (literally) Mama cat (who ran off to live with a neighbor! 😂) and her two kittens I basically got Spotty fixed as my Christmas present that year. And I'm glad I did, he is a great cat albeit a little more territorial than I would like.
But that's where my head is today. More later
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