Musings on my body issues

 Feel free to skip, this won't affect my daily narrative.  

When I was a child I was underweight and small for my age.  I remember my parents encouraging me to eat and praising me for gaining weight and getting taller.  Then I caught up with my age group and the narrative flipped 180 degrees.  I remember one time I went in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of skim milk (I drank buckets of milk which is probably one reason I made it to five foot seven inches).  I was drinking it and my stepmother said "You're going to get as big as the side of a barn".  

What?  It was skim milk.  I think most dieticians would be thrilled a teenager chose that for a snack.  Anyway this is not meant to castigate people who meant well, but to set a frame for my thinking.  

So I grew up thinking "fat" was the worst thing ever.  I remember when my doctors were thinking to put me on an antidepressant, back in the 80's there were not a lot of choices.  My stepmother discussed it with me, including possible side effects which could mean weight gain.  Instead I had loss of appetite and lost weight, becoming very thin.  

They took me off the antidepressant when I was about 17.  It didn't do much good, to be honest.  So I didn't miss it.  I was not allowed to eat the junk snacks in the house which I see now was a favor.  I met Ron at age 17, moved out with him right after I turned 18, and then I could eat anything I wanted.  So I gradually gained some weight, tried to lose it with low fat and calorie counting, which didn't work well.  I continued to gain, I knew nothing of insulin resistance or low carb diets although I am sure I saw some Atkins diet books at the thrift store.  But I always figured if a diet book was any good the owner would keep it, not toss it in the "donate" basket.  

Then at work one day, in 2002, we had a customer who had some strange requests.  Tuna salad without bread.  A hot dog without the bun.  And she was losing weight I could see it.  So we asked her and she said Atkins, that stuck in my head.  

Ron had his accident.  Now I need to backstep a little for Ron.  When I first met him he was my height and weighed about 140 pounds.  He gained weight when he got an office job and slowly got up to about 220 when we started the business.  

Ron lost his weight in ICU after the accident, his body called on every reserve to pull through.  But I was still around 220.  I remembered the lady at work and got an Atkins diet book.  Ron came home, I had to care for him 24/7 so I could only eat what I had in the house, and I only bought snacks for him and things approved for the diet.  Ron drank buckets of cranberry juice, for instance, but I didn't touch it and would have fried eggs or something instead.  I lost a lot of weight, about 40 pounds in 3 months.  Ron was thrilled.  

He was less thrilled when I stopped eating on plan and gained it all back, lost it again, and gained it back again.  I couldn't do strict low carb I needed more variety.  I figured out a lower carb plan that worked for me and lost about 20 pounds before he got really sick, stress eating, gained it back.  

Notice a theme?  It also bothered me when I would lose rapidly, I felt out of control, not in control of my body and someone else was driving my metabolism.  It's not logical but there it is.  And I am having that to some degree right now.  

I want to lose at a good rate that doesn't freak me out.  I don't know what that rate is.  I am also driven by imminent menopause and the fact I really have so long to lose "easily" before that hits and weight loss comes to a screeching halt.  Two opposing forces.  

I am holding steady right now about 208.  Happily I am not gaining.  

I have decided my day with my aunt is going to be my "off" or cheat day when I eat whatever I want, as long as I'm hungry, within reason.  And my aunt would say something if I went wild.  I haven't yet.  And today at lunch I had my sandwich, half a vanilla malt (next time I will get a medium instead of large), and about 6 french fries.  And that's all I ate aside from the diet soda.  

And I only have diet soda when I am at work (twenty ounces tops, maybe 40 if it is a long day), or out with my aunt.  The rest of the time I don't have it.  I do have a little in the house for traveling to my aunt's house next week, and also in case I get a migraine because a cold diet soda really does help.  

I am not at the point of ready to work out just yet, but I am working on it.  That will of course help.  But the hour and a half a day workouts are not happening again.  I have an exercise bike, I can use that, it also gets me off my feet 👍 which is a bonus working retail.  I have some kettlebells.  Between them I can have some good workouts.  I would like to do a little cardio and a little weights nothing crazy.  After all I do have to work with that body and if I tear myself up during a workout I won't be a very effective employee.  So that's on the burner but not just yet.  

I do walk a lot to/from bus stop for work.  And walk a lot in the store just getting to the breakroom and my work station.  I will get this I am going to take my time though and do it right, so hopefully I don't gain it back.  

I do expect to gain some weight back when I hit menopause as I hear a 20-40 pound gain is pretty common.  So I want to be "under" what I consider ideal so I will end at a good point I can live with.  

That's it for now.