Sometimes I wonder if I should really write what I'm thinking. I always hear my Dad's voice in my head "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Overall, a general good policy, but sometimes I have nothing nice to say.
I will start with last night. As you know, Dad and my step/adoptive Mom want a phone call every Saturday night. Sometimes they take it, sometimes they are busy. They are a lot busier than I am! That is good, though, I remember watching Ron's parents slide into dementia as they sat in front of the TV all day.
I called "How are you doing?" I gave them a general idea. "How is Ron". That's the crux. Do I tell them the truth, insane drinking, verbal abuse, and keeping me up all night 2 days in a row just because he "could"? Or do I tell them what they want to hear?
I split the difference. I told them Ron had had some bad behavior of late. "Oh" my Mom jumps in "He must be in terrible pain and is lashing out". No, not really. Most days he doesn't say anything about pain, the medication does a very decent job of keeping his pain at bay. Sometimes he even forgets to take it. He is awful to me because he is a verbal abuser, and an alcoholic.
I opened my mouth to refute her and Ron comes out of his room, sitting in the hall, clearly in earshot. I just said it was a little more complicated than that.
Then she got into "I have to take care of myself, because I'm a caregiver and have people depending on me". What? I'm posting photos of empty chocolate ice cream containers online? No, I'm eating a [censored] spinach and kale salad - a BIG one, for dinner every night. I take handfuls of supplements because I am well aware everything's riding on me. I was a little offended at that. Way to put more pressure on me. But I didn't say anything because "Honor your parents" is in the 10 commandments.
My blood sugar keeps going up. Today it was in the 140's. I will need to get that checked out soon, but I'm glad I didn't say anything to her. I am taking care of myself.
My life is not as simple as others, though. I don't have insurance. I don't have a car. I just can't get in the car and drive. And I do not want to take Ron to the doctor and then play "everything's fine". If I'm paying a doctor, I want it in my chart that I am being verbally abused. That doesn't happen with Ron along for the ride. And I am fine with going to the doctor by myself. So I will have to take a cab or the bus.
And my doctor left the practice so I will need to find another one. Not Ron's doctor, he is mean. I have to figure all this out while taking care of myself and Ron.
No pressure!
I slept OK, got up around 8. I fed the cats and drank a diet soda. Pretty good morning. I haven't taken my shower yet but I will. Ron woke up about an hour ago. I was watching Hoarders.
He came in the kitchen and began drinking. Asked me how I slept, told me he "let" me sleep.. See the fuckedupedness that is my life? AGH! I ignored that statement. He drank for a while, and I saw him struggling along the hallway. He was so drunk he couldn't sit up in his wheelchair. I pushed him over by his bed and left him there, then went back to Hoarders.
Biscuit is doing great, he ate a good breakfast; peed easily, and a lot; and drank a lot of water out of his bowl. Good. But I can't help but think he is now special needs.
To be clear, I have no resentment about that. I love caring for him. He is such a good boy, they loved him at the hospital. He's my boy and I love him tremendously.
But this complicates things. It used to be, if Ron was awful, I could call my aunt to come get me and spend the night away from home. But I can't leave Biscuit. Anywhere I go, he has to come with me. And I am fine with that but it does complicate decisions. I can't just walk out of my life, it will all have to be carefully planned ahead of time.
And I get a little upset at God. Why did He have to make my cat sick? Wasn't it bad enough I had a sick husband? Now a sick cat? And I have a chronic condition? How much does He expect me to handle?
Ron did OK at first with that, but quickly slid downhill after he threatened to give Biscuit treats. I just feel like a sheet in the wringer.
My feet hurt, and it's cold out, so I probably won't go out anywhere today. I still have some cheesy bread I plan to eat for lunch. Not sure about dinner, maybe the frozen lasagne.
With a big green salad of course (eye roll).
15 comments:
"And I get a little upset at God. Why did He have to make my cat sick? Wasn't it bad enough I had a sick husband? Now a sick cat? And I have a chronic condition? How much does He expect me to handle?"
Here's a news flash for you the reason is because either 1. God doesn't exist and sh-t just happens. Some people have more sh-t to deal with than others. OR if we go with your premise that he never gives a person more than they can handle (which isn't biblical by the way) 2. God is a d-ck.
Your life has sucked from birth. All these adults around you were the sick ones who caused you to be sick. First with the FAS and then with how you were treated when being abused. It makes perfect sense why you choose ron and why you stay. You are backed into a corner (through reading the situation with ron incorrectly).
As for honoring your parents it is just another example of the bible making people feel ashamed if they stand up to said parents (which in turn means standing up for yourself). What a dysfunctional messed up book the bible is more than likely written by the deranged.
I do think your step-mother in her own way was trying to be sympathetic to you when she said what she did and not try to pile more onto you. To me it was like take care of yourself but leave us out of it and don't ask us for help type thing. Like they keep you at arms length. Especially with the once a week phone call, not really hearing you when you try and tell them you are in crisis in your marriage. It is akin to telling someone you need help and them telling you they will pray about it and never getting back to you.
Last paragraph is pretty accurate. I remember when I was 13 and suicidal, clearly in crisis. Tried to share how bad it was, kept getting pats on the head. Writing about it in my diary (which I know was read). Finally came to a do or die point and I went for help from the school counselor. One thing she said to me after I was in the hospital "Why didn't you tell us". That's all I was doing!
As I type here Ron is drinking in the kitchen again.
About God, still believe, still plodding along. Not really feeling "the joy" of late but I am in it for the long haul. God is in this, I just don't see the long range goal.
When these things "begin" to happen...Look up. The convergence of signs of the Lords return is here. They have "begun" to happen. It won't be long. I often feel like the frog in water that keeps getting hotter. The bible hasnt been proved wrong. Look up, I am.
Heather do you visit Rapture Forums?
I never see you there. It's the rapture ready group of friends.
Heather, I know it's small comfort, because our pain and misery are our own, no matter how they "compare" to the pain and misery of others, but truly, God will never give us more than we can handle with His help. We won't be happy about it, and it may be lifelong (ie chronic conditions), but our joy is in our salvation anyway, not of this earth. This world will let us down everytime-God, never. Eternity in heaven with Him-with our Saviour who suffered so much to make it possible for us-is worth more than this world can ever offer, even for those with "good" lives in which they seem to never have any real problems.
1 Corinthians 10:13
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”
King James Version (KJV)
I try to remember the faith which was required of the early Christian martyrs. I certainly fall short of that! God forgive me, it would be difficult to not deny Jesus when faced with some of the tortures they endured.
Hope I haven"t aggravated you with these comments, believe me, I have to remind myself all the time that this world is not my home and it, and all its heartaches and joys, are but a blink of the eye in eternity.
You might talk with Ron about the nearness of the rapture and ask him if he wants to be drunk when he meets the Lord face to face. I tell you I was very convicted about that in my life and no longer drink or smoke.
Thank you for the encouragement.
I checked out PF a few years ago, there was a post from a worried mother who needed to explain puberty to her daughter, asking for advice how to do it in a Godly way. They shot her down and basically screamed at her to get out of there. I wasn't impressed. I will check out PF, though, that may be the board I was posting on years ago.
I know RR split and another board (not PF) sprung up. I was posting there for a while but they were pretty frustrated with my situation. Maybe it is RF. I will look. No guarantees about posting.
I post on another board that is very different. Some good Christians there but a totally different mindset.
Ron just wants to be altered as much as possible, it is nearly impossible to reason with him about the drinking.
"God will never give us more than we can handle with His help" Please show me what verse and chapter this is from. Cause it aint' in any bible I have read.
To lookup I want to say be careful cause you never know when a bird may be passing by overhead.
We didn't break away but got directed to the new site by rapture ready. I think it was a financial decision. Hope to see you there.
There was another board, I forget the name. Marianne actually tracked me down on a low carb message board and asked me to post, they were worried about me. I posted a little but let's be honest, my life is pretty depressing. I tried to log in under "Heather" - which I could on the other board, and it didn't work.
You were Acts on RR werent you?
We all have trials this side of glory. We are family.
First I was RCHeather. The board changed servers and I got "Heather". I was "Heather" for a good 10 years. Then the board split, half of it went one way (as I've said, I haven't been able to find that other board) and "Heather" didn't work anymore, so I went with Acts 5:41, one of my favorite verses.
But pretty obvious I am me by whatever standard. Bipolar, doing evangelism, married to a train wreck alcoholic who is verbally abusive... I hope no one else is out there living that life.
I wouldn't wish it on an enemy.
Remember the lives of Paul and Peter. Hope you come over to the board where you might get more encouragement and can share in the suffering of believers. I'll be looking for you Acts 5:41.
https://www.raptureforums.com/forums/threads/forum-members-who-have-gone-to-be-with-jesus.147056/
I will have to think about it. I am already FB friends with a lot of the people I knew 20 years ago (I was on the first board).
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