Stricken

Ugh.  Pissed at Ron. 

Whole summary: "I am happier when you aren't around" "It is very sad that you have a wife who doesn't want to spend time with you [due to head games]."

Him "You and your stomach, all you do is eat, you think I'm made of money to take you out, etc." 

There, you can log off now.  :p 

So, my day and then the stupidity.  We got up early.  I did not check Ron and he left the house with a dirty shirt.  We went to the bank. 

While at the bank, we turned $1 bills into $20's (not that many), he "paid me" and put the rest away.  At one point he was sitting in his wheelchair holding a sheaf of 20's in the air, very slowly counting.  His bank is NOT in a good neighborhood, I saw some thugs staring.  I made him put it away.  He had a a real attitude about it. 

Maybe I should have let him be robbed.  But it was my money he was holding. 

So, done at the bank, Arturo can't help, we call Alex, who comes quickly.  We went home.  Ron cannot get in the house by himself so we left the meter running.  I took Ron in the house, got my reusable bags, and came back out. 

While I was gone, Ron got into the vodka. 

I went to my bank and made a deposit.  This will probably come as a "Kind of late, Heather" statement but I decided a while back to cancel my health insurance and put the payment into savings/emergency fund.  I think I will have a marriage crisis before I have a health one. 

Ron drinking heavily while taking other medication.  He does not take his blood thinners.  He falls out of his wheelchair.  I have to look at his shelf-life. 

He is also verbally abusive and I have had him throw me out before.  Back in the early 90's.  I came back, begging, one of the more unpleasant memories in my life.  If he pulls any psychological crap, I want to be armored. 

And, in this world, money is power.  So I put the premium into my "In Heather's name only" emergency fund, because after all it is MY money.  I can spend, or save, it how I want. 

I also put in a little to cover additional grocery deliveries.  I am really liking that. 

Then "we" went to Walmart, I paid the man, gave him a decent tip.  He was clever and asked to have first crack at my ride home.  Glad he wants the trip!  NOT always easy to get a ride from Walmart, especially on a payday. 

I went in and did my shopping, not much.  I thought it was funny, at one point you would have found me in the footcare aisle, frowning and poking at insoles, trying to pick a good pair for my work boots.  I went with the memory foam generic brand ones, about $8. 

I also found "my" protein shakes, they are also generic brand, 30 grams of protein (impressive) and, most importantly, in a non-migraine-inducing vanilla.  It is hard to find vanilla sometimes. 

The case was a little beat up but the shakes were fine so I got it. 

I got more greens, I really like the "Cooking with Spinach" spinach and kale blend.  It is pleasant to eat, takes ranch dressing like a champ, full of good vitamins.  Iceberg is crap for greens, it has no nourishment and only provides a little fiber. 

They had Diet Mountain Dew so I got 2.  Some iced tea powder because it works so well on headaches.  Not sure if that is the caffeine or the aspartame, it must be both because my other drinks don't work. 

Ron had told me he wanted chips, and given me some money, so I went down the chip aisle and read off every "onion" salty snack available for sale.  It was tedious but I like to do nice things for him, most of the time.  He picked a couple, asked what I got, and got a duplicate generic cheetos for himself. 

When I was a kid in school, they did a whole segment on generic products and how they are a good value.  I have never had a problem buying generic, even if I had the money for a name brand.  They are often made by the same company. 

Ron called and said he wanted to take me out, where did I want to go?  I was surprised, lately he has hated the whole concept of eating out.  I said yes, that would be nice to go to the Waffle House.  He asked me to tell Alex to pick us up around 4 PM. 

I was done, I checked out.  The cashier was surprised when I told her about the $98 for a year of delivery option.  She was upset "they" didn't tell her. 

I paid, went outside, and called Alex.  He came pretty quickly.  I had just enough time to eat my single-serving bag of chips.  I had kefir for breakfast, it worked great with my pills and filled me up, but I couldn't find it on the shelf when I shopped. 

We went home.  I put everything away.  That's one thing I'm not crazy about, when I shop. 

I took a nap, I'd had a busy day, two banks and Walmart plus taking care of Ron and the cats.  I couldn't really sleep but Biscuit joined me and laid on my legs.  Torbie got on my chest for petting, and then went in her igloo. 

I finally got up because I was developing a headache.  I didn't want it progressing, and it would have if I had rested any more.  I checked my blood sugar, it was in the 90's, very good. 

Ron was awake.  I told him I would be ready to go in about half an hour.  He mumbled something.  I went and drank a Diet Dr Pepper, cold, curious to see if it would help my head like the iced tea. 

It did.  So I went back and told Ron I could be ready to go in 5 minutes.  He immediately went on the attack, my stomach, all I want to do is eat and spend his money, etc.  This is a common harangue with him if I mention wanting to go out and get some quality time, as we eat a meal. 

But he's the one who came up with the idea.  I told him that "I changed my mind" - translated, "I'm not drunk any more and I don't want to leave my bed".  He was very ugly and abusive. 

I reminded him it had been his idea.  He said he would give me money and go in a cab. 

It is so frustrating.  The man has no concept of quality time.  None.  Zero.  And he "majored" (for about a year) in psychology and learned a few terms he likes to throw around, antiquated ideas about mental health, etc.  He didn't even believe in bipolar disorder until the medication helped me - how could anyone supposedly major in psychology totally miss living with that for 14 years?  No, I was "weak" etc.  Except when I was hypersexual and manic.  Then I was a lot of fun and why can't I be like this all the time? 

Ugh.  He wanted me to beg for the trip, to tell him that I wanted quality time with him.  But we just went through this days ago and he is not stupid.  He is many things, but he is not stupid.  I wouldn't play his game and beg. 

I just said "Well, if we're not going out, I will eat a salad".  I took out my "old" greens and a 3 cup disposable foam bowl, ranch dressing, and disposable plastic fork.  I layered the greens and dressing (not that much dressing, just a dollop here and there) as I told Ron I was done playing his games.  He went in the back of the house and got dressed "Oh, we'll go, but I won't like it". 

I told him I wasn't going anywhere.  He said he would call a cab.  I said I would walk outside and send it away.  I was going to eat my salad.  "But I got dressed!" 

"Good for you!" I replied.  "I'm not going anywhere". 

He started again with the whole "stomach" routine and I told him, it was sad that I would rather eat a TV dinner at home than go out with him.  I said that a couple of times, but it's true.  And it is sad. 

He said a lot, half of it I didn't hear because I teach myself to tune it out - he is just trying to hurt me.  Why listen to that?  So I started eating my salad.  It was good. 

He said he would call a cab again and I said I would send it away.  He forgets I have "power" in the relationship.  Just because I don't use it doesn't mean I'm unaware.  He relies on me tremendously and I could really make his life hell. 

I remember one period about 10 years ago, he was walking.  He was being so awful to me I stopped washing his clothes.  He had to walk around in dirty clothes with people asking questions, he was very ashamed and finally started treating me better. 

Anyway, I told him I would really rather he left me alone, as I was happier without him around.  He said it was "my" fault, that I never had interesting conversation.  I told him he shut me down 1 minute into any discussion, instead wanting to go on, for hours a day, on the same subjects. 

He started up on it, actually, in response, and I said "See, you're doing it".  I had to do it a couple of times until he got the point.  Then I said it again, I would rather not go out and eat with you anyway, and I am happier by myself without you around.   I said that was very sad and a very bad warning sign for our marriage.  He just cussed me out. 

He got very abusive so I said "I'm going outside" and took my salad out on the porch.  I ate for a while, until I got ranch dressing on my chin, and came back in for a napkin.  He was quiet, in the kitchen. 

He hung up his phone and proudly told me he had scheduled a trip to the Waffle House tomorrow.  I couldn't believe it.  He really doesn't get it, it's not about food at all, it's about quality time.  If he wants to shit on quality time then that's him.  I did my part to hold up the marriage and spend time with him, if he wants to crap on that it's between him and God. 

All this made me REALLY glad I was channeling everything possible into my emergency fund.  And I haven't told Ron about that, either. 

I didn't say anything, but if he expects me to go tomorrow he is in for a big surprise.  He basically then told me it is "his right" to cancel whenever he wants even if he made a promise to go (I have gone places with him when I had a migraine).  He has all the power, he implied.  He decides if we go or stay, and he magnanimously had "given" me a trip, which I might get to take, tomorrow. 

He also made a crack about "Saving money" by being a jackass and cancelling at the last minute today.  What really pisses me off, he asked if I had bought any food for tonight, and, when I said no, told me not to, he would take me out to eat.  Then he bails and I am looking at chicken stew that just wasn't wonderful, or a pot pie.  Thanks.

I feel like I can't rely on him for anything. 

He may have saved money but all these actions, all the abuse, are piling up and damaging our relationship.  I have always felt a relationship is a living being, something to be fed and tended.  Something that can be harmed and even killed.  In spite of everything, I value my marriage, and it is very hard and sad for me to see him despise it so. 

And one day, after I leave, he's going to find this post online, read it, and be stricken.  But it will be too late.