Sunday Afternoon

I woke up around 9, it was a decent amount of sleep considering the time change, etc.  As I walked around the house, doing my business, I couldn't help but think of Ron asleep in the next room, and I admit I wished I had an air horn so I could wake HIM up a few times and see how HE liked it. 

He woke up a little after 11, when I was putting my clothes in the wash.  I normally go looking for his clothes and add them to "my" loads, but I did not today.  I just said I was doing laundry and left that open ended.  He made no reply and didn't give me anything to wash, so I didn't. 

He went in the kitchen and began drinking.  We ignored each other for a while, then he asked me something totally unrelated to last night. 

It used to be, if he did some horrific act of abuse (keeping me up all night, calling me something horrible) he would be remorseful the next day.  But I don't want that.  I want him to treat me well to begin with. 

I am not that difficult, please be understanding of my housekeeping, I can't cook a meal every night, tired a lot from my medication, please don't scream, curse me out, make threats, or keep me up when I'm trying to sleep.  I am sure there are guys out there who would be happy to "abide". 

But this is who I've chosen.  I am at the point that I am considering asking my work references (I have known these people for 20 years) to back me as I look for another job.  What I do for Ron is part time.  I could definitely work another job.  It would probably do me good to get out of the house. 

I have no doubt a few things would happen.  I would, of course, get another job.  I may be crazy but I am responsible and a hard worker.  Ron would completely freak out and start the "love bombing".  Then he would start trying to sabotage my other job.  I know this like I know my name. 

Do I really want to go through all that at this point and time?  Still deciding.  It's a big can of worms but I may need to go there pretty soon. 

Problem: I "get" to explain to everyone that my marriage is so bad I need another source of income.   But, when he's shouting at me all night until 3 AM and then acts like absolutely nothing is wrong the next day - there's nothing I can work with.  He's cutting out my other options. 

I believe Ron needs therapy for himself, before marriage therapy for us.  Will he do that?  Never, not while I'm here.  He might look for help after I left, I'm sure as part of a bid to get me back. 

Of course the problem with leaving is I am leaving a train wreck.  Who is going to do his laundry?  Who, for that matter, gets the washer and dryer?  Who takes Ron to the doctor?  Who buys his food?  Does he resign the program or do I keep working for him?

I made a commitment to take care of him - how far that extends when he is being outright abusive in return?  That is something I will have to figure out before leaving. 

I don't make these decisions lightly.  I married Ron because I was sick and thought that, after all I had done for him, surely he would value and cherish me forever.  I was wrong.  But I was so ill I couldn't see he is a narcissist, an alcoholic, and an abuser.   I just saw a guy I had "saved" who would "save" me, too. 

Instead, he has taken all my weak spots, those he feels are my weak spots, and used them against me.  I have not done that with him.  There is plenty he has shared with me, I will not divulge, because he told me in confidence.  I will respect his even though he does not respect mine. 

I can be better than all that petty warfare bullshit, no matter what happens. 

So, I ignored Ron.  I was tempted to ask him "Where is your talking book?  I thought you said I couldn't 'win'".  But I didn't want him to go off again so I didn't say anything.  I just watched my crime drama on TV and worked on laundry.  I washed my jeans, several t-shirts, and the package of black crew socks that arrived today.  I bought them for my work boots.  My ankle socks won't work with the workboots.  So I had to buy a 10 pack of ankle socks.  They had good reviews and I have worn the brand before (Hanes), no complaints I can remember. 

After I got them in the dryer, I turned it on and forgot to turn off the alarm.  I went and took a nap, I did not tell Ron.  He was back in his room by this point.  I laid down with Torbie, we had a nice cuddle.  She likes to go from me to her house and back again, sitting on my chest and pawing at my face with claws out.  It's very cute. 

She's a sweet old lady.  If I leave, all 3 cats are definitely coming with me.  I might bring Baby Girl for visits but I think that would be too hard for them both.  After last night, all 3 of the cats are avoiding Ron.  He doesn't realize when he goes off the rails, he upsets them too.  The cats would have liked their sleep last night, but didn't get it due to his outrageous behavior.  I imagine none of them is too happy with him today. 

He was calling Baby Girl but she wouldn't go in his room.  She came in here, instead.  I find that telling. 

I took my nap, had a headache but not surprised, sleep deprived and stress, I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't but I need to eat more.  The dryer alarm went off, waking me up when I did sleep.  I went back to sleep for a while.  Ron rolled around in his wheelchair for a while, muttering under his breath. 

He is avoiding me today.  We need to work on the report, he needs to make his trips for tomorrow, he needs to get his medication.  I will not remind him of any of this.  He is a grown man and he knows what he needs to do.  And he hasn't made any trips for tomorrow. 

I will let him figure it out.  I might tell him 10 minutes before the deadline.  He wants to play "F*ck it all, I am not going to be responsible and resign from life" - if I had known this is how he would end up, I WOULD have "let" his family put him in a nursing home. 

I am tired and I worry I am becoming bitter.  I'm going to go focus on something else for a while.