A tune I like, and some thoughts

 https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=PRbVlQfPdRI&si=-WBwlTKDusmjPz3_

I was not happy in my marriage.  Ron treated me abysmally both before and after his accident.  I wanted to leave him but he had been sneaky getting me to quit my job, work for him for a pittance, he controlled all the money (wouldn't even put me on his checking account), etc.  So I had no resources to get out.  And no job history because he would not, or his friends in the program, have given me a good reference.  Before he got really sick, when the drinking was bad and he was keeping me up all night verbally abusing me and screaming invective half the night - I took it to God.  

God made it VERY clear I was to treat Ron as the wife is supposed to treat the unbelieving husband in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 (don't leave him but if he left I was free, but if he wanted to remain married to me I "had" to stay).  I didn't like that one bit but another thing God let me know "It wouldn't be long" I didn't understand that until March 6 2021, the day he died.  

There's a couple of passages in the Bible relevant for a widow.  

One says younger widows should remarry (1 Timothy 5:14)Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.

1 Corinthians 7:39 A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 40 But she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment—and I think I also have the Spirit of God.

1 Corinthians Chapter 7 is where I'm going, though: 

8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I used to think he meant lust but I am starting to think he meant loneliness.  The desire to have someone share your life, to walk with you, to help you up when you're having a hard time, someone to spoil and snuggle and all that good stuff.  

I remind myself Jesus loves me a lot more than any man ever could but it remains.  

Of course nothing is perfect.  I have baggage.  I wonder if anyone's going to be OK with that.  Maybe, maybe not.  I'm sure he'll have issues as well.  

I know events in my life the last couple years, including an incredibly violent act perpetrated last year on someone I knew; the assault on me this year, my Dad's severe illnesses... it's got me thinking I want someone at my side when the rain comes.  

Is that what GOD wants, though?  I'm not sure.  

I do have to wonder if He would have allowed this longing to grow if it was not His will?  

I just don't know.