I don't know

 I had a mental evaluation (examining what I could and could not do,learning disabilities, etc.) when I was 17. I was then diagnosed with FAS.  I was not allowed to read that report.  A few months later I met Ron and a report was written about our relationship.  One line that stuck out even 30 years later "Due to her disability, Heather is extremely naive and trusting".  

And I admit I don't always have good radar on things.  There are a couple guys at work might be interested might just be friendly.  I am not ugly, getting in better shape, friendly.  Or maybe they are just friendly because there are not a lot of white women working at my store. I DON'T KNOW.  

That is one thing that is driving me nuts lately: I DON'T KNOW.  I think Beau might be interested.  He acts interested when I see him, which isn't often, flashes me an amazing smile and very expressive eyes... but nothing has been SAID. Not directly,not beyond the level of a little light flirting.  But he chanced getting in trouble to come say hi to me after my lunch when he had absolutely NO reason to be there.  And he still stuck around to tell me goodbye after a Team Lead told him to leave.  

I do not want another man losing his job over me (Ron did) so I have considered just giving him my phone number, but that could be awkward and embarrassing and do women even do that these days?  I DON'T KNOW.  It is all vastly confusing.  He is not on Facebook, I checked. 

So I have been taking it to The Throne and asking God to lead me, I did that today and almost fell over Beau when I turned a corner.  He was very happy to see me.  Is that a yes?  A no?  My Bible study tonight was a good example, one of them was on loving everyone, another was on not having idols that get between you and God.  

I will not see the man for 2 days at least so I plan to take this to God as needed.  

That's it for now.  

Two days in one due to cat squatting in my computer chair

 No Beau today.  Nice to get "two days off in a row" I know I hate it when I don't!   Between his days off and mine I only see him briefly 3 days a week.  So nothing is going to happen in a hurry, if at all.  

I pulled the trigger and bought a VERY cute pair of jeans I had been eyeing for a while.  I will take a photo tomorrow for you. I got paid, went to the Post Office after work, mailed Mom and Dad's package. Then home and threw my new jeans, and what I had already in the hamper, in the wash. 

I booted Biscuit from the computer chair to a tremendous SQUEAK of indignation, went to usps.gov and set up the tracking for Mom and Dad, they will get text messages on the package as it makes their way too them (Due Saturday).  

I am going to take a nap.  

I was probably very bad and said my mail carrier was "mean" the clerk (who knows me well) asked why and I described him, "Oh, him" and then said he had rejected my candy! She picked up her candy and said "I won't do that!" and I gave the other clerk candy and we all had a good laugh about grumpy sugar haters I guess.  But that probably wasn't nice and I am sorry I did that. I hope it does not get back to him. 

Now I'm going to take my nap... 

Friday morning: Thursday was fine, saw Beau a few times.  He is Latino and has a name many seem to find tricky to pronounce, but some time ago I asked him to tell me how to say it.  Dale Carnagie always said a person's name is extremely important to them and it is important to get it right...anyway so I can say it correctly now.  Yesterday at work he asked how to say my name (Latinos and pretty much anyone not a WASP have trouble pronouncing "Heather" and my father in law (a Creole) used to call me "Baby" as a result which I was fine with).  Anyway he stood there in the breakroom practicing "Heather" over and over which I found very sweet.  If I see him today I will tell him heather is a Scottish flower with small purple flowers, so I am basically a "Rosa".  He may find that amusing. So it was nice to see him.  

I do have one last secret I have not shared, I did share that with my aunt last night as it may have an impact on future events.  She took it pretty well. 

Today I work 9 hours and do a little shopping after work (heavy things like cleaning products and cat supplies, litter and food) and pay for a ride home.  I took the bus home last night caught my bus about 6:20 and rode home later than I have in a while.  All kinds of characters out there. I handed out about 10 booklets I think.  When I got to the transit center I was handing out a (bag of candy with a booklet) to every driver who pulled up until I ran out.  The drivers were very surprised but I figured God had me over there at that time for a reason. They may throw it all away, only eat the candy, toss the booklet but my job was getting it to them and I did that well.  

I was talking to 2 of the biggest gossips in the facility at work yesterday as we were all working and gossiped about some of the Bible handouts with them, like the time I went to the area with all the prostitutes and almost got beat up, etc.  I don't care if that makes the rounds at work.  I still think that would be an awesome first date; go on a Bible Handout.  See how he handles rejection, motivation level, enthusiasm for Jesus, heart for the lost, etc. Then go to my favorite taqueria or the pupusa place (if it's still there) after. We will see.  

As for me I am assuming with Beau it is all very casual friendship only and that is all it will be and will approach it as such. 

Tomorrow I have the funeral. One of the Team Leads is taking me. I will wear my dressy outfit I think that is a sign of respect.  They said the colors are black and pink but I don't have anything dressy in black or pink. I have been dropping sizes so fast it just didn't make sense to buy a lot of clothes (other than jeans and t shirts for work). 

I ordered some new compression socks I will see how I like them today. I need to take my shower. 

Done... the socks are nice and tight which I like, not bulky.  I don't want hot, thick, socks in the summer. 

I decided to wear my skinny jeans.  The curvy fit ones that do fit me like a glove. They also have a high waist which I like.  

That's it for now. 

Tuesday night

Work was fine.  Beau had the day off.  I have not had a "proper" cycle since January. I started getting period cramps  

When I got home I took out my cup and no blood. I looked it up it is apparently common to have a "ghost" period with symptoms but no bleeding, during menopause.  I did take some Advil it was bad enough for that.  On the symptom front I have noticed more hot flashes. 

The app was messing up and I could not log out, not even in Personnel.  Because I was delayed the new girl saw me at the bus stop and gave me a ride home.  I gave her $5 for gas even though she lives one subdivision over.  She said she would be happy to give me another ride "anytime" so that's nice.  I wouldn't even be at the transit center now. 

I am going to take a nap!  I never get to do this on a work day!   

Couldn't sleep but it was nice to lay down after being on my feet all day.  

About the only notable thing the ice cream truck parked outside my house for a good 5 minutes just now. I have not bought ice cream from the truck in probably about a year.  I did not buy any tonight.  

One of my co workers was playfully teasing me today and poked me in my belly (a woman).  Yes I still have a few rolls!  

That's it for now.  

Tues AM

 Ugh.  I woke up with "Precious and Few" running through my head.  I have been asking God to take this interest? from me. 

I feel like life was simpler before I met this guy; but I don't want to cut myself off from someone God may legitimately want in my life. But DOES He?  I don't know I am asking for obvious signs.  

On a completely unrelated note the cats need some Advantage so I need to call the vet. I like the Advantage 2 for them.  But Cleo and Spotty lick each other a lot (that sounds wrong) so I will have to separate them when I do it; lock someone in Ron's room for a while. 

Beau comes by on a pretense of wanting candy so I am going to make him his own bag,with both a Spanish and English Scripture booklet, today.  In case I didn't say it he is Latino and English is clearly his second language although he is near fluent.  I think the majority of people in his life speak Spanish so he is just more proficient at it. It is a little risky handing out material at work but I think worth the risk, and if confronted by management I will say I mixed up the candy, I gave him a bus driver candy by accident. 

Of course he may take one look at the booklets and run like hell but I will know then, won't I?  Life was simpler a month ago. 

But I do miss having companionship, someone to take care of and talk to on a break or lunch... Biscuit has taken over my chair again

Monday

 Work was OK.  I got Dad one of the last clearance thermal tops in his size for $4. I was happy I remembered that before I shipped their box.  

Beau sought me out several times, last time right before I left.  I was not in my usual work area but he still found me which I found sweet.  When I look at that I have to think he likes me a little at least, but there are obstacles.  

1.  Ron really did a number on me.  He basically told me for years the only value I had was a bed partner and caregiver, that I had nothing of value that would attract anyone.  I realize now he was very insecure.  Before he met me he would get involved with married women or women in relationships, they would cheat with him,then they would turn around and cheat on him.  He worried about this with me to the extent he told a man some very personal medical information of mine in an attempt to quash his interest. He was right about his friend Ed, though.  Ron hadn't even been cremated yet before Ed was calling me every day and lecturing me how I had to "get over Ron so the next man won't feel like you're comparing" and Ed was a BIG gossip.  So nothing I ever would have told him would have been private. Anyway Ron did a very good job of tearing me down and making me feel like I have no value, one reason I do find it hard to believe Beau might be interested.  

2.  This is actually the most important.  Salvation.  I need to know if Beau is saved before I say or do anything.  But it may be a lose lose.  If I find out he is not saved then I cannot have a love relationship with him. If I find out he is saved we move onto topic 3.  

3. There are things that will affect any future relationships. I would say odds are about 95% against him staying after he finds out.  I am folding the mental illness into this.  Who wants a crazy woman dependent on medication when they can find a nice normal lady without?  

All that said I really do like him, find him attractive.  Think about him a lot which has me taking it to God because I worry I am not putting God first right now.  I need to be doing this.  

Tomorrow I will not be taking money to work, just my water bottle, and see how it goes cutting out the diet soda. I want to eliminate caffeine, aspartame,and soda from my diet.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

 I slept OK but woke up with a headache around 7:30. I was disoriented and thought it was Monday, ran around the house like a crazy woman for a minute until it sunk in. 

I took some Excedrin and went back to bed. I got up about a half hour later, took a shower, cleaned the bathroom.  Last night I started an inspirational romance novel. I have not read them in a long while. 

One because it is always a widowed mother with kids. I can't relate to that.  I don't care that they all weigh 90 pounds in the book unless they make a big point of having a "fattie" heroine at maybe a size 12. And the whole book she is thinking how she is fat. I don't like that.  I don't necessarily want a fat heroine but if she is bigger make her OK with her weight.  

Second because I really thought I had a fairytale romance.  Beauty and the Beast meets Cinderella, where was MY happily ever after?  Instead I was married to a wife beating,verbally abusive barracho (drunk).  So I lost my taste.  

I had some in the garage and I took them out to take to jury duty in case I had an issue with the tablet.  So I read half of one last night and the other half this morning.  

Last night I made a beef stir fry. I was very happy with it as the vegetables were cooked,but still crisp.  I had a line of containers with various veggies and threw them in the wok depending on how long I thought they'd take. And I guessed right; it was good. 

I will be making a tofu stir fry tonight to use up the last of the tofu and also for a friend who doesn't eat anything but poultry and shrimp. I'll get half, she'll get the other half.  I marinated the tofu last night. 

I also set up a beef stew in the crock pot and that turned out very well. I had some of that for breakfast.  I didn't put any veggies,just onion,garlic, spices, broth. It was delicious.  I look forward to finishing it. 

I also cleaned Spotty's window.  I have never cleaned the windows in my house.  But I noticed Spotty likes to hang out in Ron's room, it is really Spotty's room now. He sits in the window, goes from the bed to the table to the window and looks out all day. But the window was really dirty.  So I cleaned it enough he has a good view no matter where he sits in the window.  

My tree in the backyard has a limb hanging down to the ground I will have to address that at some point.  I don't go in my backyard much but it is a nice big yard. 

I heard the puppy this morning again and just now saw some guy carrying two puppies up to #6's door so not sure what that is. And they were pit bull puppies. Why does everyone want a pit bull?  

I knew a guy at work had a cat, and a couple of pit bulls "They all got along great" until one day they didn't.  It was awful they killed the cat.  If I got a dog I would probably get a medium sized mutt BUT I am not home enough, it would not be fair to the dog.  I feel like I'm not here enough for the cats.  And I don't make enough money. 

I am happy with my cleaning routine but part of me feels like I need to have a "do X on this day" schedule or I will slip and the house will look like a mess again.  

When the laundry finishes the soak cycle I will take a nap.  That's it for now.  

Most of Saturday

 Today I treated my day out as a minor Bible Handout.  I did up sixteen bags of candy.  My worst Bible handout I only did 9 Bibles.  I managed to locate my Asian Language booklets so I did up 3 bags with one each Chinese and Vietnamese.  I can't tell them apart and that way they would be sure to get their own language.  I did up 3 Spanish as well, and about a dozen English.  

I took a good shower and shaved my legs, then wore the black denim shorts that come about 3/4 of the way to my knee, good coverage I felt.  I paired that with a modest t shirt and sneakers.  

I brought my hand cart and my ice packs in an insulated tote. 

I went to 3 stores. I handed out candy to drivers, cashiers, and other people as led by the Holy Spirit.  Everyone was happy to get them.  I got one driver who has told me he is diabetic and doesn't want candy but he let me stay on the bus when he did the turnaround at the end of the line and got out a bag of SunChips. I felt so bad for what was left of his pancreas.  

I went to the big chain grocery first, they have really good meat discount deals if I go early (it was around 8) and also top notch produce (I got a pound of greens).  They also have canned salsa in the metal can which I like so I got 2 of them.  I was delighted to see they had beef for stir fry on sale as I was going to do a stir fry anyway. And they had stew meat.  I had planned to make a veggie soup with some chicken stock but I can shelve that and make the stew instead. I also got some V8 and Walnuts.  

I didn't get keto bread but I can get some at work.  

I got the diabetic guy and rode to the end of the line, waited, went back down the other side (it is an extraordinarily busy street and people drive like maniacs).  I went to the Asian grocery, it is a small family owned thing.  They had two first generation immigrants ringing people up and two second generation people.  I handed out the 3 bags of mixed language ones and then one just English to the girl who rang me up as she spoke fluent English.  

I got some vegetables there, and some tea. I like their bok choi it is medium sized and very fresh. I had been wanting snow peas as well and look what they had for $2.50...It is going to be a good stir fry tonight. I looked at the sauces and oils but did not buy any and got back out there again. 

I went to the local chain grocery.  Why?  They have my candy.  I was able to buy over 10 pounds of candy for $20 and that will hold me a week.  I didn't look at their meat, I already had meat (I was pushing my cart around with a little box on top as they didn't have the hand basket like the other 2 stores).  I did get their 2 pound Mexican shredded cheese as that is the best deal, also got some sliced cheese and lunch meat as I am thinking "sandwiches" for the upcoming lunches this week. I got some powdered drink mix, yes, it has aspartame but hopefully it will help wean me off the Mountain Dew. 

I bought a 2 ounce snack size bag of chips which I gave to my driver on the way home, along with his candy.  One of my drivers said he had been looking for me and "really needed this bag of candy".  I don't know if he meant the sugar snacks or the booklet, or both, but I just grinned and told him God would send me as needed.  He liked that.  

Anyway, I got a really nice "vegetables for soup" blend frozen it has everything from onions and lima bean to okra which I like.  I liked onions cooked in soup but not raw or pieces in my protein.  I also got some more "vegetables for stir fry" which is also very good it just has small cuts broccoli, carrots, and some nice big water chestnuts.  I paid for all that and trundled out to the bus stop.  Happily I was not going far.  

When I got to the bus stop the JW"s were back.  They were not there when I left.  I was not happy and just left rather than deal with them.  

Ron used to do something when he was alive, he was very angry at God for many many years for allowing all He had, to happen to Ron.  Ron would call him Torture Man.  Then he would curse God out, scream at him, mock my faith, and then say things like "I don't want you to lose your faith".  I would try to defend God which would just make Ron turn on me for supporting God's side in things.  Then I would get the verbal abuse.  It was awful.  And then Ron would say 'I don't want you to lose your faith over this".  

So I learned to let God fight His own battles; and in this He has not led me to interact with them.  I do pray for no one to be deceived by them, the JW's to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus, etc.  Internally, I am praying all this whenever I see them but I need to be doing this on the regular.  

So I'm going down the street and a lot of cars are parked across driveways on the sidewalk; so I decide to go in the street.  It is quiet.  A car comes towards me, slows at a stop sign.  I heard,very clearly "Give them a booklet" so I got out a bag of candy.  They roll down the passenger side window, closest to me.  An arm reaches out.  I give them the candy, he looks at it, shows it to his friend the driver, they exclaim over it (when I hand out candy it is a generous bag), thank me, and drive off.  What are the odds I would meet them at exactly that moment?  But I did and maybe they are reached now.  I don't know, I just hand stuff out and pray for everyone.  That's my job.  

And the great thing about it I have no idea what I'm doing.  I have pride issues so it is best I not know until I get to the throne of judgement one day.  I like it this way.  

I don't even know how many Bibles and Scripture booklets I have handed out.  I know it is thousands, for both, probably averaging around a thousand booklets a year now but I don't know for sure and I don't want to know. 

I came home.  I really had to pee so I did that, then put everything away.  I ate a snack and then took a nap with the cats.  I slept about 2 hours.  I did not sleep well AT ALL last night so I needed it.  Woke up with a mild headache but I beat it off without medication. It is lovely out, in the 80's, sunny and nice. I plan to sit outside for a while.  

That's it for now.  

I have decided to take the "Only functional crackhead" approach to the Diet Dew

 Ron and I used to ride paratransit everywhere and most of our drivers were contracted cab drivers.  One day we were talking about God to the driver and he said he had been a crackhead about 20 years back.  He said he would drive the cab all day, stop by his dealer, buy the crack, be up half the night smoking it, and then back to work.  He called himself "The only functional crackhead" in Houston.  He went on like this for some time, he said.  

He went to God with the addiction and threw himself at the throne basically begging for help.  God told him "Stop buying it".  "But I'll go into withdrawal"  "Stop buying it" so that night he took a different route home and did not buy any, ate his dinner and went to bed, slept great.  Never had a speck of trouble kicking it, he just stopped buying it and went on to lead a productive life.  

So I have asked God for help with the diet Dew addiction and He led me to that story.  I have been buying a six pack (16.9 ounces) of them every day before work and drinking them. So I will stop buying them. It won't be easy.  I can use prayer on that.  

Anyway that's it.  

Very early Saturday

 So Beau comes by my work area every day a few times (on purpose) to say hi, etc. The most he has ever done is touch me on the shoulder, smile a lot, seem interested in my company.  I don't talk about much, work,  the cats, what I might plan to do on my day off.  He has seen me walking out to the bus and that is how I first noticed him, he would always stop his (regular sized and very normal looking older) truck and say hi, etc.  Riding the bus it is pretty common to feel invisible even to the driver.  He is the only employee who has ever done that. 

So anyway he came by my station three times in a couple hour period and the other associates caught him at it.  Maria, a nice older lady, was very upset and scolding him in Spanish.  He is Latino and it is his first language, I believe he is second generation.  He speaks English very close to fluently.  She was talking fast enough I only caught the word "Esposo" which means husband.  Maybe she was telling him I just lost my husband?  I don't know?  I do know the lecture started when she saw us grinning at each other like idiots.  

Another one, also an immigrant, took me aside after he left and said he has a reputation as a player.  I kind of figured that, a little, when I come in days I work later he is with a different woman at lunch every day.  I told her I am not looking to date for at least 3 years, I will not be having sex outside of marriage again, and it is just nice to see him now and then.  She is a huge gossip so I know that will make the rounds.  

But he is making a point of coming by more often now that my boss is not around to shout him away.  I like him, a lot if I am honest, but I am not looking for a serious relationship or even a physical one. If he is OK with that, great. 

Ron left me in a financial situation I don't have to depend on a man for my financial security.  And as far as I know Beau is not saved which makes it a non starter anyway.  For a lot of intents and purposes Ron was not saved in many ways and it caused me a lot of grief. I am not looking for that again. 

And I tell God I want HIM to be first in my life, not a man, not any man. And I mean it. But it is nice to see Beau go out of his way to come by and say hello. 

So yesterday my friend's husband brought me a large cup of coffee in addition to the six pack of Diet Dews I had already had; you can imagine how I slept last night.  But I'm up now at 4:30, might as well make a day of it.  I plan to finish online, take a shower (don't need to wash my hair I did yesterday), do my God Time, take the bus when it's light out and go to the grocery store with the meat mark downs.  I am addicted to at least looking in that bin every time I go.  I can also use some more power greens (chard, kale, spinach). 

I have some chicken stock I made but not a whole lot of it, so yesterday I bought a quart of bone broth, and I will put those together and add a ton of delicious veggies and make a nice big veggie soup.  My friend (the gossip) is very interested in trying some of my veggie stir fry so I plan to make her one and then one for me with meat in it. I also want to buy more keto bread and some Wowbutter (soybean imitation peanut butter that tastes a lot better than you'd think) and make some sandwiches for this upcoming week. I might put a small amount of pasta in it we will see. 

I used to make a chicken soup once a week when we had the deli and it was VERY popular.  I enjoy cooking for other people now and then, I do miss that about being married, but have no desire to do that for a living again. 

I got some salad dressing from Wish Bone it is an olive oil blend (olive oil first ingredient in the oil blend so I am happy and not expensive) it is a basil flavor and not bad.  What I like I don't need as much of it as I did with the ranch, so it lasts a lot longer and fewer calories for me.  The bottle fits in my lunch bag. 

I am back to trying to cram as many vegetables in my lunch as possible.  I just feel better eating that way.  Yesterday I had a 3 cup dark green salad and a guava.  When I bring a stir fry I have all those veggies plus the salad.  Oh, and I also had a 12 ounce can of V8.  So that was 5 vegetables. 

I plan to get more stir fry veggies today and some soup veggies.  Years ago they used to have a soup veggie mix with cut up okra in it and I liked it a lot.  I will see if they still have it.  If not I will find something else.  I'm only going to use vegetables I like in the soup.  

I will see what else they have in the meat bin and on special and take it from there. I will be working a lot next week and I have found it is great to have a cooked meal and some snacks all ready to go every day. I especially like the V8 that is good with a salad and gets me well over the top on my daily vegetables.  My nutrition tracker is very happy with it too. 

Biscuit is up on the couch next to me grooming himself.  That's it for now!  

Friday

 So happily, before I left the house today I got a lovely text message that had me pumping my fist in the air.  They settled. So I didn't have to go in for Jury Duty.  

I went to work instead. I wore my dressy court outfit which no one noticed I thought that was funny.  They all noticed the teal skinny jeans and the khaki jeggings but not modest fitting Worthington slacks in Heather Grey from the thrift shop. 

Work was pretty quiet. I think is OK to say my primary boss suffered the loss of her grandbaby this week and is understandably not working. A lot of people want to gossip about it, I have had to get pretty curt with people saying I do not. It is sad and awful, we should all be praying, that is all there is to be said. 

Jack got his truck fixed he said he got a very fair deal. I was happy to hear that. 

I am off the next two days which is good. Next week I work 9-4 three days running, then 9-6 (!) two days.  The last day I will budget for a ride home; I can take the bus home Monday to Thursday.  

Tomorrow will be nice so I plan to do my grocery shopping for the week. I plan to go to bed early tonight. 

That's it for now. 

March 23

 Last night I had a horrible realization: I work tonight, not this morning. So I called Jack who said I had told him to come get me at 8 AM this morning. I am really glad he was able to adjust it. 

So I got a decent amount of sleep last night but I will get more of a nap tonight as I get home around 9:30 and have to be at the bus stop at 5:30. 

I made a nice stir fry with water chestnuts, broccoli, red cabbage, carrots, green beans, kale, and bok choi. I also have some tofu in there. I have enough for lunch today, I plan to bring a sandwich tomorrow as I don't think I can take utensils in the court house. 

I need to put up things like my wallet/tablet etc.in my backpack tonight when I get home. I have my route mapped out in my head. I am not blowing security to say the local bus route does not drop me at the courthouse.

I took my shower last night and my hair looks good so I'm happy. I will do that again tonight to save prep time in the morning. 

I need to weigh myself and then eat my breakfast. 

 

Wednesday noon

 Well that wasn't fun.  I swept the house, that was OK, mopped the floor which I actually find fun because I end up with so much ICK in the water and the floor's nice on my bare feet now. Then I did some planning and organizing (always a little challenge with FAS) for my trip downtown.  I drew up a little map from the bus stop to the courthouse and back. I loaded a few things in my backpack. 

And I could not find the rain coat.  I tore up the house looking and the house was not bad, but I couldn't find the damned thing. I finally gave up and then found it in my hand cart.  So I won't be a soggy mess with a dead cell phone on Friday because it is going to be a lively front. Lots of wind and rain. 

But I did find the jacket. And my other stuff is in the backpack.  

That's it for now. I'm going to take a nap. 

Wednesday morning

  I slept OK last night with the cats, that was really nice.  

I am up to 188 and considering my bad eating recently it could have been a lot worse.  So I will get strict again. 

My dressier work pants still fit so I will wear those to jury duty Friday, with a nicer top that "looks great" with it and I have also never worn to work. But they fit and definitely qualify me for business casual.  I don't want to show up at Jury Duty looking sloppy.  If I am selected for a trial I have a couple slacks and dressy tops I can rotate.  

Apparently the courthouse downtown has a TSA style screening.  Take my shoes off, empty the pockets, etc. I have a medium sized mesh backpack they were very popular at my local school district about 10 years ago, I will put everything important in that and that should be fine.  

I have pretty strong feelings of course. On the one hand I don't want a guilty man to go free or let an innocent man go to prison.  But, as Dad said "The law and justice don't always line up". So we as citizens have to uphold the law and that means serving on a jury.  But on the other hand I don't make much money, it is a burden going downtown, and I worry about my job even though legally they have to give it back. So that's all.  

I have always liked to go barefoot in my house, I have tile in the common areas and then vinyl plank in the bedrooms.  But the floor gets grubby pretty quick and I hate gritty dirt on the soles of my feet.  So I find myself mopping about once a week.  I think I will have to sweep more often though.  

I am still trying to figure out a schedule how often to clean different things. My Bible study this morning mentioned taking a day of rest.  Which is a good idea but I would like to knock out the cleaning.  Mop at least and then do the toilet.  I think that will be enough for today. I have Saturday and Sunday off I can do the chores then.  

I don't need to grocery shop I have "enough". 

That's it for now.  I'm going to start packing my bag, for one I will need for Jury duty.  A reflective vest for one, I have to catch a bus at 5 AM to get downtown.  

Tuesday afternoon

 I did OK once I got moving. I went out to the bus stop and gave some candy to one of the landscape guys; he was the weedwhacker man. The lawnmower guy had a huge mower with decks going out on either side no way to safely give him anything. 

I went to the first store and handed out candy to everyone, did not see good meat deals but I have plenty. And I just remembered I forgot the lunch meat. I went to the second store. On the way I got on a bus that had tracts everywhere on the seats. I thought it was great. I took one, they are nice and Biblical. I didn't see the person who did it. 

I got to the second store. I forgot the lollipops but I did get 10 pounds of the other candy so I should be fine. The "loss leader" value hot dogs had been knocked down to 33 cents a package. And they are pretty good. And I bought a little drink mix. 

I went home on the bus, that was my last bag of candy. Two insolent young men were at the grocery store bus stop. One was lounging on the bus bench in such a way I could not sit down.  I didn't say anything.  They were dressed in expensive hoodies, baggy pants,and sneakers. Probably a thousand dollars an outfit, looking for trouble.  

Now a real, pardon my term, ghetto rat I do not worry about.  I encountered many of them and they either avoided me or were respectful when I was doing my evangelism work.  They were more likely to bring me a cold bottle of Sprite from the convenience store. I once had a carload of guys dressed in solid red (gang colors), smoking blunts (marijuana) clamoring for Bibles one time. But these guys put up my hackles. 

So when they got off at my stop I made a big point of fiddling with my shoelaces, adjusting items in my cart, etc. until they got bored and wandered off.  Then I followed them at a safe distance until they were well away from my home. 

Then I went in. 

I put up my stuff and took a nap with Biscuit and Spotty. Spot man came for a while, left, came back. The weather was moody and overcast, dark grey clouds and a wind that had played hell with my hair. And we are supposed to have a rain front come the day I have jury duty.  I have to walk some distance to get there both to my bus stop at home and from the destination but stop to the location. I will be bringing my rain coat and also wear my weatherproof shoes. 

I have a pretty moderate headache right now but I at least got the laundry going and the trash put out. 

That's it for now. 

Tuesday morning

 Yesterday was hard and I can't talk about it. I can say I stopped at the small local Asian grocery on the way home, got some good veggies and some tofu. Tofu was pretty much sold out actually.  

I guess I shouldn't be surprised with meat prices what they are.  

I like shopping local when I can. 

I came home, put it away, talked to my parents, and went to bed. I had an odd dream that Baby Girl wasn't using her box and I had to find where she was "messing".  Baby Girl has been dead about a year now and my current gang are very good about using the box. I am diligent about keeping it clean as well.  So that was odd, other than that slept OK.  

I got up, took my pills and my generic Flonase, went back to bed with Biscuit.  Spotty joined us and got on my chest again, purring (good thing I took the Flonase) for a while, that was very nice. 

I am just sad today. I will push through it like I always do but it's tough lately.  I feel like I am OK and having a good level of general happiness and something comes along and beats it back.  

But the Bible doesn't say I will be happy on Earth, Jesus himself says I will have "trials and tribulations". 

Plan today is shower, God Time, get dressed, inventory fridge, go to grocery store (this one has good one pound clamshells of greens I can use for cooking or salad), go to other store (I want to buy more candy, I can't hand out the booklets at the courthouse but I can going and coming), come home, nap, laundry, mop floors, some cooking. 

Tomorrow I will figure out my route to the courthouse that is all. Sleep in, etc.  

That's it for now. 

Monday

 I can't talk about certain things because they lead back to me.  I have learned my lesson on that so that is all we will say. 

I am guilty of gossip and that is not OK.  But I don't attack someone who's down and I won't let that happen on my watch.  My experience people in pain are already blaming themselves. They don't need other people kicking them. 

Now I am done. 

So work was pretty quiet.  I left and caught my first bus.  I thought it was funny he (driver) seemed a little guilty about running late even though he always gets to work around 4:30 on a weekday. I told him it was fine, tomorrow is my day off. 

I went to my transfer point and got on the next bus, got off at the Asian grocery store.  I bought some cute little baby Bok Choi, a Japanese Eggplant (the long skinny kind), some tofu, etc.  I don't know what Rau Hung is but it looked good and I can probably cook it up in my wok. I also got some black bean garlic paste (love that stuff, first started using it in CA), and some "double black" soy sauce. I also got a little tea. I went out to the bus stop and got a text my next bus had broken down so I had to wait a while. It was getting dark but still OK when I got home. 

I called Mom and Dad, made some dinner.  I am not doing laundry tonight. I am going to the other grocery store tomorrow to get some lunch meat, maybe. 

The thing I like about the Asian grocer, not only do they sell vegetables I can't find elsewhere, they use small local (like backyard) growers who bring reusable crates of fresh produce every morning; I've seen it. Prices are good too, I think, considering inflation.  It is a little bit of a pain to get there but it worked fine going "on the way home" so I would do that again.  

The cats are good. I plan to go to bed early tonight.  

That's it for now. 

Sunday

 Well I had another case of cuddly Biscuit takeover of the computer chair.  

Friday night at work I had a lot of diet soda, at least one dose of Excedrin, and then a co worker's husband brought me a large cup of coffee. He is a very proud man and was quite upset the one time I did reject the coffee.  So needless to say I did not sleep well that night but Spotty came and laid by my head.  Last night I laid down for a little bit after work and he laid on my chest, purring. 

Work has been fine. I got a ride home Friday night of course and then Saturday I took the bus home, handing out candy as I went. 

The little bag of candy without a booklet has been quite popular at work, co workers like to come grab a lollipop.   Yesterday a coworker brought a lot of donuts and kolaches (a pastry wrapped sausage) for our team.  Someone from another team came over very sneakily (I was watching I don't know how she didn't see me), helped herself to the last 3 donuts, and left.  She knew they were not "her" donuts but they were "free" donuts and she couldn't resist, and probably told herself she was entitled (she is white). I was disgusted. In my book if someone brings donuts for another team you don't touch them unless you are invited. I asked the lady who brought them if she had told other teams about the donuts and she said no, they were only for us. So the "poacher" is on my naughty list.  

This is the woman whose very large, autistic,adult son came to the store and had a tantrum, breaking a display, because she had to work one day. She keeps bringing him to the store. He is over 400 pounds,has been referred by his doctor to a dietician who told them what to feed him. Mom? Tells me one day how happy she is she got the last 3 cocoa crispies or sugar pops or whatever damned sugar cereal it was that he likes because "He eats a lot for breakfast every day". So it is hard for me to respect her which means I need to be praying for her. 

I hand out my little lollipops or gums or whatever it is they like because I like to spread cheer,but only departments affiliated with us come for them,and management has told me they go after them too which is fine. Some people want the whole bag and I tell them no "so there is enough for everyone". And they understand. 

I need to take my shower and eat.  

And Biscuit took over my chair again.  

Work was hectic. One notable woman called me a bitch a few times, wanted a manager. Manager gave her a LESSON. 

That's it for now. 

A challenging day

 Backstabbing, tattler, gossipy co worker actively interfering in my job.

2 customers called me a bitch.  Separate occasions.

1 coworker (not the first one) also called me a bitch.  

Slow start but now very busy.

Not a good day to be cutting back on the diet dew!  😜😂😂

Friday morning

 Weather front came through last night and brought the migraine.  I took my Excedrin, then I spent some time in bed lying with all 3 cats, petting them, listening to them purr for a while before I got up.  

When I got up I decided to test the theory everyone has my headaches are related to high blood pressure.  I mean, every time I mention having a headache this comes up. So I checked it (had to change the batteries in the meter) and it was 114/79 with a heart rate of 68. I checked my blood sugar which was 116 but that is standard for me in the morning. 

I am getting a ride to work because it is still raining so I will definitely be OK to work. I'm going to take my shower.   

All done. I was reading in my daily Bible stuff a section on forgiveness.  I had a couple of groups I had to forgive, my family, for what was allowed when I was growing up; Ron's family, for how they trashed him after the accident, breaking his heart; and some people involved in the accident.  

My family was probably the hardest but God kept chipping away at me.  Ron's family God allowed me insight that helped: his uncle Rufus had a severe stroke about a decade, fifteen years before Ron's accident.  He promised Ron's parents a considerable estate if they would take him into their home and care for him until he died. They were too proud to ask for help and, due to his assets, he did not qualify for a lot of "free" help and everyone was too cheap to pay for assistance.  Ron's parents had their own health issues being the same age, and, as you can imagine, became completely burned out trying to care for him.  So when Ron got hurt they were thinking "Here we go again".  By the way uncle Rufus changed his will and left everything to a son who didn't even visit so Ron's parents did it all "for nothing" and you can imagine the bitterness and resentment they must have had.  

Their solution was to say I "could" take care of Ron, in their home, which would have meant I would be caring for 3 needy souls and would have done an excellent job of burning me out in short order, but God allowed Ron a couple of lucid days to convince his Dad to "let" me take Ron to our duplex. His brother and sister were angry at me because they felt I had fractured the veneer on what they saw as a perfect family.  His sister said something to the effect that everything had "been fine until you (Heather) came along". 

When told of the accident,they were saying things like "If he had a stroke we will just put him in a home not take care of him like we did with Rufus" and they were all in agreement on that except me.  BUT WE WERE NOT LEGALLY MARRIED SO I HAD NO SAY!  I had to literally get down on my knees at one point and beg Ron's Dad to sign papers for a lifesaving surgery. 

After hearing that I told the staff at the trauma center so they referred to his stroke as an "ICH" or "brain bleed" not using the stroke word ever around his family. I knew and the staff knew but I kept them ignorant and would do it again. 

After I "got" him Ron's sister came to the hospital and made a big scene screaming at both of us.  I walked out and she was very upset about that.  But I just said "You have no power over me" and left. A nurse's aide followed me without my knowledge going to talk me into going back to Ron if I looked in danger of leaving for good. 😂  Not likely.  Poor Ron had to lie there in bed and take it begging her to stop, until a nurse came in and threw her out. After a half hour or so I went back to Ron and took him home and I don't regret that one minute.  He had a good 15 years after that (the last 3 were pretty crappy so we won't count them). 

I didn't care really they had treated me badly, slandered me, etc.  But they hurt Ron deeply they wouldn't even take a phone call once Ron told them "Treat Heather with the respect due my wife or I don't want to hear from you again".  They took it as an "out" "He cut off contact".  It was hard to watch Ron after that on birthdays in particular he always had a very hard time and I wanted to slap them for that. 

The police officer may have stolen Ron's cash (he had $2K cash on him to pay a supplier), he did for certain falsify the accident report having Ron walk in the street backwards, etc. He failed to list the witness on the accident report,letting him off scot free.  I have been told a semi truck driver was at the intersection, saw Ron, told him it was safe to go, and our lawyer wanted to sue that guy.  But the Postal Workers closed ranks (he was a Postal truck driver I believe). Oddly enough I know this because his little boy (the driver's) confronted me one day saying things like "Why are you looking for my Daddy" and "After (Ron) got hit he fell down like he was dead,why didn't he stay dead?"  etc. So I had to forgive him. 

I had to forgive the other vendor,when Ron had the colon cancer scare several years back he told the other vendor he was worried what would happen to me if he died.  The other vendor assured Ron he would hire me, he did not. I was counting on that and kept waiting for the job offer, one reason it took me a while to actually start my job search.  But there were issues there so it is better I work for Walmart. 

But, to quote a Bible verse, thus far the Lord has helped me. 

It is interesting mornings I have a ride I have so much time to myself before I have to leave.  It is still raining so I am glad I arranged a ride even if the headache is better. 

Some thoughts on cleaning

 I have been focused more on cleaning, on actually wanting to clean, as a part of my day off. Today I did laundry, cooked, swept and mopped the tile floors with a bleach solution. I will not use bleach in any dilution on my vinyl plank even a brain damaged crazy woman knows better.  

But that has been interesting for me.  I think as a young woman with Ron I just lacked tools period.  I didn't even have a dresser for years we were so poor. I had manic buying sprees.  I have brain damage that limits my ability to organize and plan things (don't tell my boss!). 

And I had an abusive relationship.  Whenever I brought a woman over Ron had sex with her. He was very good at manipulation add that and copious amounts of alcohol he got what he wanted. So I didn't have any motivation to have anyone over!  I think that was a part of it too.  

Also I had terrible depressions where I could barely bathe myself much less vacuum.  It took a while to get my medication right when I was diagnosed as well. 

And a part of it was rebellion Ron was always very upset about my housekeeping, would shout at me over it, threaten to throw me out (did throw me out one night right before my birthday), etc. and he was hurting me so bad (emotionally, verbally, and cheating) I wanted to hurt him back.  

Well I have tools. The relationship is over. The depression is pretty well managed with lifestyle and medication. 

So you found me on my one day off mopping the floor. Not bad. I mean as a kid my adoptive mom would shove a bottle of ammonia, a bucket, and a sponge at me and tell me to "go clean the bathroom".  We had toilet bowl cleaner but that was it.  I would read the directions on the bleach and make the solutions they advised and that worked OK. 

But I didn't know how to clean windows until we did a youth group fundraiser washing windows.  I had no clue how to take care of carpet or tile floors both of which I had in the house.  Vinyl plank isn't too hard.  

I got all the appliances up off the floor and into Spotty's cabinet in such a way he can still sleep in there. I got rid of the trash bag filled with the single use thank you bags. I got rid of another trash bag full of empty soda bottles (recycled).  Kitchen looked a lot better after that even before I cleaned it.  

I have some good products, I like the Better Life spray cleaner and I hear Method is also good.  Walmart has a generic plant based one I have but I'm still working on the Better Life spray.  I am not picky about toilet bowl cleaner but the Great Value generic brand with bleach is nice and thick. I have some generic brand Fabuloso as well for the "dilute in water" type jobs like mopping. I have a Libman Wonder Mop - love that thing!  I have a Libman corn broom - also a favorite.  I have a bag full of cleaning rags and a good collection of sponges.  Although I think the kitchen is ready for a new sponge.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday

 I didn't sleep great but I got up quick and got ready as fast as I could.  I did up 10 bags of candy.  I actually ran out and could have done 2 additional.  

I wanted to get home before it rained, it sounded pretty severe coming and I had a "severe weather pending" headache.  I don't usually get them but the pollen makes my headaches worse when I get them. 

I did do my Bible study and prayed a bit before leaving.  I wore my black skinny jeans and a plum colored t shirt, a navy hoodie.  

I got to the grocery store and for once did not find anything appealing in the discount meat bin.  It was around 9, I think I got there too late.  The seafood counter was right there so I asked the nice lady (hairnet, white coat and apron, gloves, made me feel very secure ordering) for some catfish nuggets. I asked for a pound and a half and got 1/47 which I called done. 

It is neatly wrapped in paper in my fridge. I plan to cook that up later with some lemon, sesame, ginger, garlic.  I think it will be very good. 

I perused the whole meat wall (that is what we call it at work so I guess it applies pan retail?) and settled on a pound of "premium cuts of pork" chorizo.  The last chorizo I ate was not premium cuts and caused a lot of indigestion. I also got some Mexican cheese, salsa, and beans to make a casserole. I hope I like the salsa it is in a can and a nice amount. Not too much, just enough for a few meals. If I like it I will pick up a few more cans for the pantry.  

I also got some V8. 

Then off to the other grocery store. It was busy but not as bad as a weekend. I got the candy which I really needed, some cheese, etc.  I was paying at the checkout when I realized I had forgotten the stir fry vegetables.  So I had to go back and get them.  

I am sure security was watching me with my little hand cart (we call them "buggies" here) because I had forgotten to bring the little box I normally use for my stuff. But I spent a good amount of money and no one arrested me so they must have seen I was OK.  

I had given away all my candy so I gave a bag of chips to the driver who took me home.  She had another driver with her I could have done too but I missed out.  On my way in the house I saw the Amazon driver delivering next door and I gave him an unopened cold drink out of my cart.  

I went in, put my stuff away, and took a nap with Biscuit. Oooh, a nap with Biscuit.  There is something so inviting about him he just puts me out like a light and I always sleep great.  But he doesn't always sleep with me at night. 

I paid the water bill and have decided I am not taking my debit card to work anymore. It is too easy to pick up stuff I don't need.  

That's it for now!  

Wednesday morning

 I had been lucky, a nice stable mood for a while. Depressed today. 

Jack said he is running an errand over near work this morning and would give me a freebie but I would get there 3 hours early and that is too soon. I did get paid, I need to get my ride money out at the least as well. 

But first, a shower. 

I am having a little trouble with something in my news feed.  A baby born to Christian parents has glaucoma very bad, poor little thing looks blind already and I have deep personal doubts as to whether he will retain any vision.  That's the kind of blindness Ron had and it is inheritable. So he chose to get fixed rather than have a child like that; he felt it was cruel to know and do it anyway. 

You  can imagine I have a lot of issues seeing this poor infant. 

 I am deciding whether I want to block the woman posting this for a while.  Just the photos of how poor Ron must have looked as an infant...or what my own child with him would have looked like.  If I didn't (I did) already understand Ron didn't want to put his child through that I sure do now. 

I got my shower, put my lunch together, got dressed, ate breakfast, did up the candy. I found the gas bill so I can pay that now. I am not eager to set up an online account just yet. 

I plan to pick up a few things before work so I don't have to shop after. Last night it was pretty crazy at the checkout (I have to exit through the self check). 

That's it for now. 

Nasty headache today

 Supposed to rain on Thurs, my day off so that's probably it.

Have eaten and taken Excedrin that's about all I can do right now.  

Tuesday morning

 

Work was OK last night.  I felt like I gave Walmart their money's worth.  I came home and found this in the mail box.  

I am on a very difficult route with a high turnover.  Sometimes they take the candy, sometimes they leave it, but obviously this mailman (assuming a man by handwriting) took exception.  He wrote on the booklet, which I will save for motivation. 

After the rapture he is going to really wish he had that booklet but he does have my address and anyone is welcome to show up and help themselves to my stuff after the Rapture.  

My phone didn't charge so I have it on the charger hoping I can get it up to 80% or so before I leave; I need the phone to clock in and out at work.  

I made some very bad food choices last night so we will see in a day or so if I have any long term effects from that.  Part of it they had a pizza party because we hit a safety record.  

I need to finish my pork chops so that's it for now. 

Monday morning

 Well work was interesting. First the LONG ride in on the bus. I need to muscle up on my prayer time when I am out waiting at all the bus stops.  

Got to work the morning girl had not come in so I got to do the work of 2 people. It was a mess. Boss was having a rough day.  

It was OK other than that though.  I had a problem with the app.  It would not let me log out for lunch so I did it in personnel, which logged me out of the app, and I could not get back in. I finally got it with some frantic prayer but I hate app issues because that's my pay. 

I also don't want to look like I am taking long lunches or not taking a lunch at all. 

So other than that it was good. 

It is cold today so I am wearing a sweatshirt with my jeans, and a jacket. I would rather be warm than cold. I find it telling my heater has come on a few times since I got up and I have it at 68. 

That's it for now. 

Sunday morning

 Didn't sleep great but they must have had the puppy in the house. I didn't hear it.   I do hear it now.  

Up and at 'em, ready for work.  I will be riding the bus in to work and paying for a ride home. 

I need to get going. It is warm and overcast. 

The rest of my Saturday

 Well I had a pretty good shopping trip.  I got a tray of pork chops.  They had a nice tray of stir fry beef for less than $4. I have a wok...I decided to get it.  The first store did not have the assortment of frozen stir fry vegetables I have seen in my store but I sure wasn't going to ride the bus 2 hours each way on my day off. I did find it at the second store, a blend of water chestnuts, carrots, and broccoli.  I still had some shredded cabbage so I threw that in the stir fry.  

I am basically reverse assimilation I figure; I pick up cultures around me.  So I had black sesame oil and teriyaki sauce at home in addition to the wok.  And I found it funny Badia, the Mexican spice company,had a bag of sesame seeds (for seasoning) for 79 cents so I got some.  They were nice and fresh too.   I have some other Badia spices. 

So I figured I would have pork chops for breakfast and stir fry on my lunch. I shopped accordingly.  I already had lard for cooking the pork chops so I didn't need anything for them,but I did get the sesame seeds and vegetables for the stir fry. 

I also got another bag of Walnuts, I can always use them.  

I was really happy, last night I found a nice pair of black denim shorts with a modest hem, that fit great, in my room.  They are "Faded Glory" from Walmart so they are OLD but they look and fit great, so I got free clothes and wore them today. I had considered buying some at work but the modest ones were twice as much as the cheapo junior's brand.  

My trips were good.  I kept coming out of the building and the bus was half a block away headed to me. It was wonderful.  

After I put everything away I took a nap. Woke up with a headache.  Found the last of the Excedrin I know I have more but where?! I don't know. So I hope it goes away and does not come back.  

Teenage boys in #6 next door were yelling at a puppy it was not clear if it's in their yard, telling it to "shut up".  #6 has had two dogs and both dogs only lasted a few months. They got the one dog, got rid of it (barked constantly and they had a new baby) and then another years later, got rid of that one too.   I think the dog lives at #8 though and not #6.  We will see.  I just hope I can sleep. 

I did find my Excedrin it was in with my allergy pills so I have another couple hundred doses now, let's hope I don't need them.  

It took a nap with Biscuit and then did my cooking, I cooked the stir fry first, portioned it out into 4 meals, ate a small bowl of leftovers,cooked the pork chops, ate a pork chop. I cleaned up the kitchen; I mopped the floor, did some laundry, and cleaned the bathroom.  

The dog is next door but the teen boys don't like it so I don't think it will stay long.  They have one boy has grown and moved out; 2 teen boys, 3 girls all of them living at home.  The last dog was the middle girl's.   But it takes a lot of love and patience to train a puppy. 

Kittens are great, get two of them together, they know their box and are good to go. I love 2 kittens together I will never get one alone again.  They are a lot of fun to watch. 

But I need to go to bed. That's it for now.  

 

Early Saturday

 Well I woke up feeling pretty good for a change.  No, I did not sleep well. 

I did the sweeping last night, finished most of the laundry (the essential stuff) this morning, the house looks pretty good (still need to mop and do dishes but that can come later).  I got my schedule for the week of the 25th (schedule runs Saturday-Friday so through the end of the month). I need fewer paid rides which means more cash in my pocket, assuming of course I only serve 1 day of jury duty.  But we will see.  I want justice done so if that means I serve I'll do it.  Some whacky shifts and split days off which is no fun but plenty of hours = money. 

I am about to take a shower and then do my God time, get a snack, and then leave for the grocery store.  I don't need much actually but I do need more vegetables.  And I have grocery money and a little money for fun if I am careful. 

Cats are good, they slept with me which is always wonderful.  That's it for now. 

Friday morning, interrupted by Biscuit, and Friday night

 Yesterday was interesting.  Some of it I can't talk about. 

I had a vicious headache all day that was not fun, but the mean boss was not there, either. I ended up eating something sweet and it still didn't help with the headache. My friend came in to relieve me that was fun to see her. 

The bus ride home was pretty uneventful. That's the last candy I will hand out on that route for a while.  

I need to take my shower.   So I did that.  When I came out Biscuit was in my chair. 

Biscuit ADORES my chair.  He will cry piteously if I try to move him and dig his claws into the cushion. Only a monster would do that; I'm not a monster. So I left him on his throne and went to work.  

Right after I got hired at Walmart a team lead in another department was very kind to me and helpful on several occasions. I had a little crush on him for a while and asked God to take it from me as I am 99.9% sure the man is not saved and I can't do that.  

God did, a couple of things came to light that changed my opinion but now he is seeking me out on occasions to chat. I find that funny. Maybe because I am not a subordinate. Who knows.  But we were talking about allergies today after work I thought it was funny he kept continuing the conversation.  I enjoy talking to men I have always been more comfortable with men; I was raised by my Dad during my formative years. 

A co worker of mine is active in at least one dating app and aggressively seeking a man.  She is tired of living alone, wants a man to put her on a pedestal and worship her.  Which is her right; I wish her well. 

When Ron died he left a big hole in my life. I am trying to fill that with God and service work for God but it is tempting/easy to think I could just fill that with another relationship. I do not believe that is what God wants at this point and time. 

So I will continue talking about horror movies with the grocery manager, calling Jerry "Baby" and giving CJ Diet Dews out of my stash. 

Work itself was fine.  My bosses were very stressed out. I was happy to leave. It wasn't necessarily anyone was awful to me but (here's 15 years in CA coming out) the energy was bad.  

I bought some cleaning products on my lunch.  They had Great Value foaming bathroom cleaner, I love that stuff. They also had some Method daily shower cleaner I will try. I bought that and put it in my bag,then I could just leave when I clocked out (after finishing my conversation with you know who). 

Now all that said there is a Ron B. saying that I should tattoo on my hand. "Don't Shit Where You Eat". Meaning, don't date at work. Good saying. I will strive to remember that. 

Jack had a funeral so I called my cab driver buddy. I got home around 5; I started a load of laundry. I swept the floor and partially cleaned the bathroom. All I need to do is get my groceries and mop the floor tomorrow. I talked to my aunt; and then my parents. The cats are good.  

I have reached a decision about Ron's room, actually Spotty's room now. I have a roll down exterior blind mounted outside the window. But Spotty spends all day in the windowsill looking out at the back yard. So I'm going to leave it up this year.  The bathroom one doesn't matter but I feel it is important to respect and value Spotty. 

That's it for now. 

Thursday morning

 I sort of slept OK last night. 

I hate to contradict one commenter but I don't see every man as a love interest.  There is a guy at work, very nice guy, very tall.  He was drinking a diet Dew one day out of the vending machine and I teased him, asked him to bring me one next time.  And he did.  So when I buy Diet Dew I always (I buy a six pack) try to give him one, he got one out of my bag (I told him to) and came and gave me a hug yesterday.  That was nice.  

As a widow no one ever touches me.  I am not used to that, so a hug was welcome.  And I am not planning out a wedding reception either.  He is just a nice co worker.  

Work was OK.  Had the cranky boss but I didn't see her much.  The girl who takes over after me is very cranky (more so than boss) was barking orders at me (she is not a team lead) and being very rude.  I tried not to take it personally.  Her vacation starts today so I won't see her for a while.  I will be working her shifts.  

I have been told the night shift prefer me to her which is nice.  I get the job done without shouting at everyone.  She is probably very meek an sweet at home, though. 😂  You have to be a little "mean" in some positions that require customer contact. I understand that.  You have to say "NO'.  But you don't have to shriek at people either.  

So that was a little taxing but Betty (real name) gave me a ride home.  She is also a widow so "gets it".  She was very impressed by the neighborhood. It is nice lots of big brick homes.  And then my little bungalow in the middle of it.  😂

I even had enough time to lie down for a minute which was nice.  When I had the vending business Ron and I would always lay down after work. 

For some reason I don't feel like today will be bad.  "Mean" boss apparently has the day off, so that will help. I am not expecting it to be crazy like it will Sunday night. 

I need to take a shower, will be back.   

All ready to go I think. I have my pills, my lunch, my bag which has water bottle and vest in it. 

That's it for now. 

It's always nice when I get a ride home

 A lady I talk to at lunch offered me a ride home after work; came through.  That was great.  She didn't want gas money but I offered. 

Today was fine but long and we were all on edge as You Know Who was lurking.  I hear she is off tomorrow, though.  

My friend who works in shoes put me on to a pair of $7 clearance shoes. That will be nice if I can get them to work.  

I am good,  just tired.  Going to bed early.  That's it for now!  

Wednesday morning

 I didn't sleep great, woke up with a headache again. 

I am ready to go, we will see how the day goes.  Beau did tell me someone stole his lunch out of the breakroom so I will be locking up my lunch from now on. That is really pitiful. 

But lunch stealing is common at all sorts of businesses. 

That's it for now. 

Tuesday morning

 I thought I might clear up something in the very early morning before I go to work. 

Well, two things.  I "caught" Beau in the breakroom talking to another woman.  😂  So I don't have to worry about a marriage proposal any time soon. If we have anything at all it is a very light flirtation and I hope he finds someone really wonderful, he seems like a very kind man and I wish him well. 

Second, that is about all I am interested in right now, very light interactions with men. Nothing serious.  No touching beyond maybe a pat on the shoulder.  That is all, just a little talking. I do have a habit of calling various male co workers "Baby" and "Honey" which they seem to love, though. 

I did not sleep well last night. Biscuit and Spotty were in the bed, though, which was nice. They are good babies. 

But now I'm going back to yesterday for a minute. I was OK for most of it just a little sad missing him. I have always been clear in my grief: I am sad for myself missing him.  I am not sorry for him, Revelation 21:4 "No more pain, fear, sorrow, He wipes all the tears away".  Ron asked me once why we would cry in Heaven and I said I was sure they must be happy tears. But Ron is better than ever; I'm just stuck down here trying to make a living and do God's will before He calls me, too.  So I had that.  

Work itself was fine, not too busy, not too slow. I am a little aggravated by two things, one,another department dumping stuff on me; and another low priority thing I will ask my supervisor about today if I get a chance. Maybe I just don't understand the policy. But that's not bad.  

Today of course I get to ride the bus home so hopefully that will be uneventful. I am leery of the homeless most of them are alcoholics and bipolar which is a very bad combination,especially for the middle aged white guys who are pretty volatile. I don't envy the bus drivers one bit; that's a hard way to make a living.  

I wonder what happened to Rudy?  I guess he is on a crosstown route on the other side of town.  😂  I hope he enjoys it. But I am in a committed relationship with Biscuit. 

I need to eat and take my shower.  

All done with that. 

I got a letter from an "Eric" and I thought it might have been Eric from Rapture Ready, he actually came to the house a few times, saw Ron in a drunken blackout, etc.  He sent me a very nice note after Ron's death.  And I wondered why he would be writing, opened it up and it is from a JW.  So I threw that out. 

But Eric is one of the few people living, aside from some police officers, who saw Ron like that.  Bad times!  Sorry he had to see that but he was in the Navy and said he saw plenty of guys like that during his service.  

Almost time for work.  I am feeling bloated from my cheats and have a nice, low carb, lunch and snack for me today. That's it for now.  

 I am tired.  Today went OK but I need to get back on track with my eating. 

I plan to get up early and blog. 

Early lunch today

 Went with Jack to donut shop and bought a dozen, which have proven popular.  I am not saying why I brought the donuts.

Work has been moderately busy.  Bosses wanted everyone to take an early lunch so I won the 11 o'clock.

Mood is OK. I do feel bloated from the donuts I ate.  I have had a lot of caffeine today so unlikely to sleep well tonight.  

Jack is picking me up after work.  I didn't want to mess with the bus today.  I did give the donut shop owner 2 bags of candy with Scripture booklets.

That's it for now!

I am doing OK so far

 I didn't sleep well.  When I woke up I had a headache.  I may or may not have taken some Excedrin and gone back to bed. Headache remained pretty severe.  

I took a caffeine pill. That did not help.  I waited an hour and took some Excedrin which did help so I don't think I took it first thing. 

I am ready to go. Caffeine has me running though.  

Someone online trying to pick foolish arguments and trying to push my buttons which I will not allow. 

I did do up some candy with booklets for the donut shop. 

Sunday night

 Well my hands are dry and look about 70 years old but I got the cleaning, mopping, and dishes done. My days off suck the next couple weeks; I get next Saturday, a Thursday the next week; next 2 days together are the 21 and 22.  That's just ICK.  

But I don't complain about the schedule, out of here.  I am glad I have the job and the money coming in. I never want to take that for granted, and I basically said "Walmart, I'll be your bitch if you hire me" in my cover letter and during the interview.  So I can't/don't complain.  

So I did most of my grocery shopping yesterday, along with some cooking.  Then the cleaning and laundry doing everything I can to make life easier for myself.  

It is hard enough managing all this for one person, much less two, and I really don't see how single parents do it either.  

I thought I was OK with the anniversary of Ron's death coming up but feeling more and more depressed as it approaches.  My aunt is very busy getting ready to move again/grandkids/husband and her phone kept going to voicemail on the first ring so that was out, Mom and Dad could talk for a while but not really into it, I could tell. 

And what do you say to someone like me?  I'm sorry he's still dead, and you went through all that,I guess. I took my shower tonight so I don't have to mess with it tomorrow morning. 

I didn't have much caffeine so hopefully I will sleep OK tonight, if that's possible. 

That's it for now. 

Cleaning

I'm not manic; mood has been surprisingly level.  I swept, mopped, and did some organizing.  I also cleaned a baseboard here and there. I really like my "Better Life" cleaner I will probably buy more (from Amazon) when it's out. But it lasts a long time.  

I also treated the perimeter of the house with insecticide so I don't get any more ants or nasties. I don't like using pesticides but I find them necessary. The neighbors were gone so I was able to go treat the side of my house (which is the property line, don't do it).  If they look on their ring it is just me sprinkling stuff out of a bag obviously doing what I did.  I wasn't wearing a bra though...

So the house smells nice, I like the lavender floor cleaner. The cats are good. Spotty freaked out though, he was in Ron's window looking out when I came by outside doing my pesticide. He took one look at me, eyes wide,and bolted! I got over to the sliding glass door in my room and Biscuit was looking out, he saw me and bolted as well. I guess they are used to the yard man. 

By the way my backyard is a fantastic tangle of weeds. I really need the yard man!  He will come, though.  I need to get some Gatorades and have them in the fridge.  They won't take money but they do appreciate a cold drink. 

Floors should be dry, I need to go organize my chemicals in the bathroom. Floor's still wet but I got this: 

 I really like that shot of Cleo.  And the blanket compliments her fur.  

Sunday morning

 I did not sleep well and woke up with a headache.  But I did sleep with the cats and when I woke up the crock-pot smelled good.  I just finished some of my beef stew. It is kind of runny because I did not add potatoes but it tastes good and is pretty low carb. I just put a few handfuls of sliced carrots in it.  

When I did laundry the other night I forgot to wash my vest, so I am doing that this morning. I also decided to wear my ooh-la-la underwear I bought myself with one of my gift cards on Amazon, see how it works before I wear it to work. It is very cute.  

I don't do thongs, by the way.  I think all the young girls love those but I'm not young.  I have a history of bladder infections.  And I don't like things in my crack. 

I also decided to use one particular pot for boiling my menstrual cups as I would NOT want to eat food prepared in a pot that boiled someone else's cup!  But my house is such a mess no one wants to eat here anyway. 

I didn't get a cycle so I am just going to wear the cup every day, wash it out, change it for other cups every week or so (I have 2 cups I plan to rotate one OFF one ON), boil the cup every week, wash it every day when I take it out, for a year. And then a year to the day after my last cycle I will stop.  

But my birth mother would go months without a cycle and then BAM so I feel I need something in there to catch it and a good cup does not irritate or cause infection especially the way I plan to care for it. 

Enough on that. 

I plan to do some cleaning today. I don't really need to do any cooking as I have to eat up my beef stew.  I couldn't fit an ice cube in my freezer right now it is great. 

I got 3 kinds of candy yesterday.  I got the Pinata Mix that comes in a big blue bag.  My boss loves the lollipops in there,everyone enjoys eating the candy. So that's a staple.  I also got the Canel mix because Canel used to make a "Pinatero" mix I handed out probably a couple hundred pounds of that.  I would buy it every time we went to Sam's Club and I let my membership lapse just because it is too hard to get there now (and money). It has a nice variety of things like bubble gum, "now and later" type candies, lollipops.  So Pinata mix and Canel mix.  Then I saw Canel had come out with lollipops in assorted fruit flavors.  100 for $2. So I bought that and tried one this morning, it was very good. So I feel good about handing those out. 

I don't see the caramel mix anymore but it is too hot for that now anyway. The stuff I got is robust and can take summer heat and humidity.  

I let Cleo have a little of my beef stew she loved it.  She loves beef, very unusual for a cat.  Bubba liked beef he's the only other one I had. 

I am OK with tomorrow being the anniversary of Ron's death.  I know one lady on Facebook who had a very hard time with every anniversary (32 months, etc.) of her son's death but the first year was bad for me and that was about it. Maybe because Ron was worn out and ready to go vs. young and in the prime of life. 

I did budget for a ride home I figured I deserved that.  That's it for now. 

Saturday

So my day. I took my hand cart, I had an insulated tote bag and some cold packs. 

I found a nice pack of stew meat in the discount bin.  I held it in my hand, deliberating, for a while. It was $7 for a pound and a half (the clearance sticker obscured the weight but I used my food scale when I got home). I thought that was a good deal.  

I also got some sliced carrots (already done up).  I thought it would be good to make the stew with onions, carrots, garlic, salt, pepper, and beef stock and that's what I have in the crock pot. 

I also got another bag of Walnuts I like the store's Walnuts better than my store.  My store has a lot of chaff in the bag, smaller nuts, more "funky" nuts, and other issues.  I like a nice big, fresh, walnut.  I get those.  

I have found I absolutely adore walnuts they are my favorite.  I like pecan pie, love it in fact, but walnuts are my favorite.  I cannot do peanuts due to migraine issues and I am pretty sure I am allergic to almonds. Walnuts are full of healthy fat, protein, and fiber so a good choice.  

I got what I needed, also got some V8 cans in the 12 ounce. Good thing I had the hand cart!  

I went out to the bus after paying and went to the other store. I didn't need much there, but they had a good deal on some nice big bunches of celery for $1.20 a bunch, so I got 2 big bunches. I got 3 bags of candy to hand out including a nice bag of lollipops. 

I had a small issue; it was nice out so I wore my thrift store shorts.  They have a longer inseam and a medium rise.  And I did not like that rise.  It was too low, and came down in the back.  But I only paid about $5 for the shorts, they will work for trips out on my day off.  

We sell shorts at work, they just came in, for about $11, denim shorts, various colors, a little shorter than I would like but I will try them on in a month or so. 

It was very nice out, warm and sunny. I came home, put everything away, and took a nap with the cats. I woke up with a headache, took something, and got the stew ready in the crock pot.  I have an outlet timer that plugs into the wall so I set that up once I did up the crock pot. 

I had a sandwich for dinner (keto bread).  That's it for now. 

Saturday morning

 I didn't sleep well but I had a lot of caffeine yesterday.  I woke up with a moderate headache but am doing OK.  

I was thinking about one of my recipients yesterday.  My first route we have a lot of blue collar type workers getting off about the time I do and we all ride home together.  One guy works at a bakery.  The other day I saw him bringing treats on the bus so yesterday I said something to him.  

He politely explained he couldn't bring me treats.  I explained I didn't want them but if I wanted a baked good I would go with his because he makes them and they're good enough for HIM to eat. He laughed, I gave him some candy which he sat on the seat. 

Cab drivers have a rule only pick up someone who called for a trip, the spontaneous ones tend to be trouble. Same with the bus.  If they are at the stop with their card in hand you will not have a problem.  But the person who runs up to you will be an issue.  

So the driver was stuck at a red light and someone came running out of a gas station parking lot.  She was wearing a skimpy red dress.  Now I am biased enough to say a thin/average woman can pull that look off but an obese woman cannot. And she was very obese.  She was drunk.  She had an open container of alcohol (Four Loko).  She didn't have any money, having likely spent it all on Four Lokos.  She saw the candy and grabbed it, saying something about "the Mexican candy".  Now the candy has some Mexican names on it and is made in Mexico but it is made to American tastes and is a good value.  I have sampled it, it is something worth handing out.  I stand by my candy. So she stole the other man's candy.  

She eventually got off, spilling her drink (the man had gotten up and WELL away from her by this point), but taking the candy with her. I guess God thinks she needs salvation more than Bakery Guy,who, when I tried to give him another bag, said I had given him some last week. 

But if I had to pick I would have picked Bakery Guy.  But it's not about what I want it's what God wants me to do and let me tell you, some GNARLY people have gotten candy in the last week. 

I'm going to take a shower, do my God Time, get dressed, and do up today's candy.  That's it for now.  

Friday night

 So I have been friendly with a guy at work, an Associate, like me.  He is Latino.  He is tall, a little overweight, male pattern baldness cut very short, has a lovely smile and gorgeous eyes. I like to have a "handle" for people so I will call him Beau even though he is not French.  He is not looking for anything but he does seek me out. We enjoy chatting.  He smiles a lot.  It is nice. It is very uncomplicated.  

At some point I need to raise the issue of salvation if it gets serious because I cannot be "unequally yoked" - in a relationship with an unbeliever.  That is non negotiable.  And I don't plan on dating for another 3 years, ish. (add a few days), anyway.  But it is nice to get a little attention. 

Work was busy, that I can talk about. There is some I cannot talk about, suffice to say I was happy to get out of there. 

I saw Kato at the bus stop.  He washes windows, we chat a little. I told him things were crazy at work and he said he would rally all his homeless friends and "rampage" the store for my job back if I got fired.  Thanks, I think?  I was rather taken aback.  

First bus was uneventful.  Got off and waited with another worker bee who just wanted to get home after work; like me.  A young family showed up a baby about 10 months, two young parents.  The father was smoking but far downwind from the baby while the mother smoked pot holding the baby in her lap. The baby was coughing. That was really awful to watch. But that, my friends, is how kids end up in the foster system. Cute baby,too. 

I waited almost an hour I was really not happy about that at all. Bus finally came, I got home. I called Mom and Dad on my way home from the bus stop because it was dark and I couldn't see a damned thing due to the lack of lighting. I really want that gas station built and some GOOD lighting. Anyway I got home OK after all the neighborhood dogs barked at me. No mail. 

I got the last load of laundry started. I also have a load in the dryer. 

That's it for now. 

Friday morning

 We had a cold front blow in yesterday which mainly brought wind, it also brought me a migraine.  I kept taking Excedrin every four hours, quaffing Diet Dew, eventually I even bought a fried lemon pie and ate that which did help. It wasn't a fun day, made worse by you know who - under a lot of pressure from the district, she was snapping at everyone, and a long time hard worker confided she was going to transfer.  She loses a lot of employees to transfers and no one wants to transfer into the department.  Some leave the store altogether.  Another employee told me she is counting the days until her enlistment in the Army.  We are already down several employees, I don't know what she's going to do when they leave.  

My buddy came by to visit.  I told him he was very brave and he said he isn't scared of her.  I grinned.  What I liked about him, when she yelled at him he didn't backtalk her he just said "I'm on my break" and when she told him to leave he did.  

The last thing I need in my life is some guy all upset about his "rights" to this or that or "being disrespected".  This guy seems very even which I like.  If I date I would like to date a calm tempered easy going guy. But he did say one time he did hurt someone.  He had a cat (my friend) and a neighbor killed it, bragged about it, so my buddy went over there and taught him a lesson. That I think is acceptable.  

So maybe I will see him maybe not.  

I did feel bad enough I took a cab home so the money for today's ride got spent yesterday, which, long story short, means I need to take the bus home tonight.  But I just put $20 value on my bus card and I have lots of candy for distribution so it should be interesting.  

I am also bringing my big coat as I did not like the wind level this morning when I was lying in bed. So I just have to get through today, see my (female) friend today too which is always fun, go home on the bus, hand out some candy, pray for everyone, and start my weekend.  

I did laundry the other night so I don't have much to do today.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

 I don't know if I mentioned it last night but a male employee got in trouble for talking to me. 

I think what flipped the switch for him he is not "native" and I took the time to learn how to say his name, he was impressed. I am"nice"he is "nice" we hit it off so we chat now and then,  a very light flirtation.  The most serious it got when I gave him some candy a few days ago and he said "You make my life sweet". So very innocent and harmless. 

He came over on his break to chat and my boss was having a bad day and let him have it!  He ran out of there like he got scalded!  I felt bad for him. 

There is another guy higher up the food chain we talk a little about horror movies now and then. Dad was a big fan and I used to watch a lot.  I am going to ask him about "Pitch Black" the next time I see him as I consider that right up there with Aliens as a good horror movie. 

Interestingly enough both guys are Latino it's a good thing I was already working on my Spanish.  I mean it's just common sense. I never had babies, but the Latino lady next door had 6.  Easy to do the math.  I have given up on the immigration thing it is way too late to fix now, better learn Spanish wherever you are.  

The cats are good but I woke up with a horrific headache. I managed to take some Excedrin, take a nice hot shower, take my antidepressant and allergy pill (neither is optional!). I need to make up a lunch but that's it. 

I am also working on my budget.  I need to pay the credit card, utilities, and I would like to give some money to World Missionary Press as well. 

There's Biscuit!  What a good boy. I figured out a while ago his Spanish name is "Galleta" (cookie).  So I think of him that way sometimes.  And Cleo would be "Pica" as she is spicy at the vet. I don't have a Spanish name for Spotty yet. 

I ride the bus home tonight. 

Oh and I tried out my "old" menstrual cup this week and it was very uncomfortable compared to the "new" $3 one I had bought off Amazon so I retired it and will just use the new one. I like it better anyway. I had my last cycle - if you can consider literally one spot of blood a day for 3 days a cycle - about a month ago. 

It's going to rain tonight but not for my commute.  That's it for now. 

Wednesday or LOOK WHERE YOU SIT

 Well I found there is something worse than some random man following me home.  

Work was uneventful.  I talked to Jack and he will pick me up early Monday, we will go to the donut shop and get donuts for work. We sell donuts at work but donut shop is better. And it is a small business I like to support small business.  Having been one, I will always have a soft spot for the small businessman.  

Work was fine, very busy.  I drank some diet Dew to get me through. Everyone was complaining (not me). I scored a nice cobalt blue t shirt on clearance or $3, it is a good brand (Free Assembly) and my size. 

I didn't encounter anything icky at work but someone "had a blowout" on a bus seat, the bus was packed and no one would sit there except for a few hasty souls.  They always sat too fast for me to warn them.  One woman put her purse in it. So no surprise for you to hear I washed all my outer clothes, including today's t shirt, the minute I got home, and I used my laundry sanitizer too.  I kept wondering what I was sitting in that I couldn't see.  

But YUCK.  What is it this week?  Poop week?  No one told me. Thank God I am getting in the habit of actually looking at all seats now. 

Oh I also found a 5 pound sack of Pinata mix which is a good thing as I'm getting low. I didn't find any other good, hard, assorted, candy though.  So the rest will have to wait until I get to the other store. Lots of fun lugging that home.  

Ride home was pretty uneventful. On my way home a woman got on 3 stops before mine.  She had greasy hair, no bra, very large breasts with prominent nipples, and tight black pants. She was white, carried a dirty backpack. She probably has some sort of housing but I would classify her as homeless. It was also apparent she was manic. 

I have had bus drivers tell me they don't usually mind if someone can't pay, as long as they say 'I don't have it" or "I'm sorry can I get a ride today?" something like that. But most of them just get on and sit down without paying and the drivers don't like that.  I don't like that.  I pay for my bus ride and I have 2 disabilities. 

So this woman did not pay and got off at the stop before mine. I don't know how she did it, but I was only about 100 yards from my house, not even that, and I saw her behind me.  I was talking to my aunt on speakerphone and I stopped and waited for her to go by, let her get ahead of me two blocks before I went to my house. 

That could have ended really badly if she had followed me up to my door and pushed in behind me. I need to pay more attention.  

I called my parents they are fine, just waiting for the clothes to finish before I go to bed. 

That's it for now. 

Wednesday morning

 So about the only notable thing the last couple days (other than Biscuit taking over my computer chair, he cries so when I try to move him) I have been bagging up candy + Scripture booklets for "just anyone" and handing them out as led on the bus including to some pretty gnarly characters on the bus. But I just hand it out, and pray, my job is to make sure I have enough candy every day.  

And my raise went through so that looks promising. 

Work has been OK. Weight is 183 this morning; I plan to take a big salad to work today for my lunch. 

I decided I am going to wear a black broomstick skirt over my St Patrick's day leggings (four leaf clovers) on the 17th.  That should satisfy the dress code. 

One woman at work is on a dating app and CONSTANTLY talking on the phone with men she meets there, is going to their places for God knows what...she is either going to get a disease or a stalker, maybe both. Exactly why I do not want to get into a dating app right now. Not to mention my phone does not have a lot of room.  But she does work while she talks so the bosses seem to be OK with it. 

I had a disgusting experience yesterday. Generally when I use the toilet at work I am in a hurry and as a result I don't give the toilet a very thorough examination. So I used one particular toilet twice yesterday and then realized, to my horror, it was dirty.  The second I got home I put my clothes in the laundry room and took a long hot shower, took some vitamin C.  I won't get into what was on the toilet but I felt it merited a "deep clean". 

The cats are good. Spotty got in bed with me last night and slept by my head, which is my favorite. Biscuit had a little trouble with that so they scuffled but Spotty came back. I reminded Biscuit the bed was big enough for everyone, at one point I had 5 cats in that bed every night. 

My family is doing well which is great, of course.  I will have enough money for rides to work every day and also a ride home Friday night both weeks AND the day Ron died (Monday).   I really don't want to spend 2 hours on the bus that day. I am going to ask Jack if he would mind picking me up early Monday and running me by the donut shop to get some treats for my team. Ron would want me to celebrate the day; I'm not quite up for that but I can bring donuts "just because". I don't think anyone would eat them if they knew why I brought them. So I won't say.  

That's it for now.