Wednesday morning

 I slept OK and actually woke up alert, and rested, BEFORE the alarm.  

THEN the depression.  Everything feels so hard.  The sad thing this is not 100% losing Ron.  He's a factor but I had nasty depressions before he died.  I would never point the finger at my grief.  Personally, I think I had been grieving a while.  I remember at times getting very sad looking at him in his wheelchair and knowing he would never get out, things like that.  

But I am at least up.  My skin feels a little dry but I'm not going to apply any lotion.  If I use a scented product when I am depressed I associate the fragrance with depression and actually smelling it can take me from a good mood, to depressed.  I don't need that.  I guess I need some unscented lotion. 

I have a few more things to do before I leave, like getting dressed, putting my stuff back into my work vest.  Bible study, etc.  I will be OK I think times are just hard, sometimes.  

But I think every believer has at least one thing in their lives.  Take my sister for example (for now we will assume the church she is into, is Biblical).  She has physical problems that limit her, and depression.  Last I heard she also had migraines.  Migraines all over my family tree - let's take a minute to thank God I do not have a migraine today.  I have anxiety and depression.  I would much rather not have these problems but I accept God has sent them; I believe to keep me humble and focused on Him.  I am well aware at any given moment I am only as good as my reliance on Him.  And I think that is the intent.  

I don't speak for God, I just share what He has given me.  So that's my best take.  God knows I don't want to be a teacher or put myself out as "the authority".  

I will be out of here in about 10 minutes and off to work.  Plan is to take public transit both ways as it is not a long day, and a weekday at that.  It shouldn't be too bad at work, either, mid week tends to be pretty quiet and when most of the employees get their days off.  

I actually read Sam Walton's biography about 25 years ago and one thing he mentioned it took a special personality to work retail, get a Tuesday off instead of a Saturday, etc. and how he tried to reward that.  

I have to keep reminding myself the worst thing I could do right now is go looking for another man.  If God has one for me (He may, or may not) He will send the guy I won't have to go digging.  I need to focus on me and bettering myself and my faith walk, and not some mythical man who is, at best, going to come with his own set of problems.  For instance, any guy my age will probably have kids which would make me a stepmother and all that entails.  I don't want that.  But a guy my age, not divorced, no kids, unlikely.  But again there I go thinking about it when I need to just STOP and focus on me.  I need to be right in myself and work on the co dependent issues before I even think about adding someone to my life.  

But I do get lonely.