Wednesday

 

This image is from about 10 years ago.  A couple of things of note: I am thin.  I have thick hair.  It is brown, not gray.  I would like to get back down to this weight which was about 170 if I recollect.  I don't know what about the hair.  I do take collagen.  I don't plan to dye it so stuck with gray.  It is really sad to see that stress did all that to me.  

If I were going to go the internet dating route it would be tempting to put up an earlier photo.  I didn't smile in my photo because I didn't feel like it.  It makes me sad to see who I was, how hard I tried and Ron still died.  Of course he was meant to die at that day, place, and time.  But it is still sad.  

If I did go the internet dating route, and I don't plan to (still have over 4 years on my plan), I would use an accurate photo because I think that is only fair.  The first photo does make me think I should cut my hair shorter, not all the way short but shorter, maybe... then I think back to a photo of me in a bob about 5 years ago and my hair still looked pretty thin.  So I will leave it long.  I don't know any older person with thick hair except maybe my Dad.  

Looks like I was wrong about the bob.  

I would be happy with that, but I need to think on it for a month or two before I start cutting.  Ron took psychology classes and "they" said not to make any major decisions the first year after a big event and I am still only at 9 months.  I am happy to hear comments on this.  

 All these happy photos are super depressing.  And that's the sad thing, most of the time Ron made me very happy.  Someone out there is gritting their teeth but I knew he loved me, would take a bullet for me.  Hell, he came back from the dead for me because he wanted to support me.  That's a big deal, come back in live in a broken down, decaying, body for 20 years so you can be there for me.  In severe chronic pain at that, no wonder he drank.  

Anyway I took a nap and feel a little better.  Cleo got in bed with me and laid by my foot, a big step for a former feral.  Later on Spotty got up in bed with me, curled up in my armpit, I wrapped my arm around him and he put his front paws on top of my arm.  It was precious.  He stayed that way for a good 15 minutes while I talked to him and Cleo.  They are really NICE cats.  I feel like I have the best cats around.  They love me.  

Does that mean I am doing the crazy old widow routine getting all my love from the cats?  I hope not, but in my day to day life I don't have a lot of people for affection.  My parents are out of town, my aunt and uncle have busy lives, I have co workers (some) who care about what happens to me but no one I can really go to (aside from aunt) and say "I could really use a hug, today is a bad day".  So that goes to the cats I guess.  

I talk a lot to Jesus even when I am not doing the intercessory prayer (praying for YOU and everyone else), just chatting at Him I think He likes that.  I haven't gotten a No on it at any rate.  What used to go to Ron (and we talked A LOT) goes to Him now.  I have gotten the impression God wants me to rely on him 100% for all the emotional needs and then let humans pick up the slack.  

The worst thing I could do, I feel, is talk to Ron now.  Ron is in Heaven, to put it bluntly Ron does not want to be bothered.  Ron is trusting God to take care of me, that's why Ron died.  So I need to have that same faith in God's provision.  So I don't talk to Ron anymore aside from rarely telling God to tell Ron I said Hi.  

I am just muddling along trying to figure it out.  I do know I did a lot of mourning before Ron died because he just had loss upon loss and then the mental decline, it was just years of hell for us both.  In a way his death came as a blessing to him.  Me?  To quote Ron, it dropped a nuclear bomb on my life, but God prevailed.  I have a house, I have a job, I got to keep the cats and my stuff.  I found out most of the blind vendors were not all that, only 2 stepped up for me.  And even the one stopped taking my calls back in August - I got the message and stopped calling.  I thought they were more of a community but they were not.  

However my primary message board stepped up amazingly and raised a mind boggling amount of cash for me.  I didn't even ask, I just posted Ron was dead and the next thing they want my email so they can set up Go Fund Me payments.  God's amazing provision and I still have some of it.  

I have a decent little amount of savings for the property tax which will get paid next week.  I got $580 pay in my bank account this morning.  That may not seem like much but the house is paid, it's a job I can do, I feel management and coworkers are supportive.  And the job was literally handed to me "It's yours if you want it, just say yes" I had asked God to make it clear and boy did He!  So I work at Walmart and that's fine.  They take care of me, I am good to my customers.  I enjoy my employee discount card as well.  That's like a 10% raise right there.  

So God is really good; I don't doubt His plan.  At times I wonder why I have to have all this but if my life helps reach others it is all WORTH IT.  I want to live a productive life when it comes to salvation, people getting prayed for and saved, and hopefully my life has made me more sensitive to others.  I am having problems getting the candy I hand out but I will figure that out.  

Boy, even Amazon doesn't have anything.  I go through pounds of hard wrapped candy in a week.  That is conservative.  I can't spend $50 for a 4 pound box that will be gone by Thursday.  I used to get these huge bags of pinata mix from Sam's Club for $7, for 5 pounds.  Those are awesome and I still have a few.  I guess I need to go back to Sam's, but not until after the New Year because many Latinos are doing a pinata for their Christmas eve party, if the neighbors are any indicator.  No sense going if they don't have the candy.  I need to look again at work and see what we have.  I have a ride going home tomorrow - oh that was funny.  I went out to check the mail walking down the block and there's Jack and Jill in the car, driving by, stopped and chatted a minute, "See you Thursday" so that is all set up.  He doesn't read the blog so I can say I am giving him a small Christmas bonus.  Would like to do more but I only make $13 an hour.  He will understand.  I think he would rather have cash than a gift, he can put that in his gas tank, buy himself something, get something for his grandson, etc.  Same with the cab driver, I am using him twice on Christmas eve.  

I have to work late the night before (tomorrow night).  I will go to bed around 11 PM.  I have to start the next day at 10 AM.  I like to get there early so this way I can call "name" and get there at 9.  I will be able to sleep a couple extra hours which is worth it to me.  Then a long day (9 hours) at work on Christmas eve which will be taxing I am sure.  I don't think it will be "bad" but it will be busy.  I do not want to be riding the bus on Christmas eve night the freaks will be out, and I will be tired.  So I will pay for another ride home.  

I have always said I don't do my hair (hasn't been cut in years and I just use basic Walmart products), I don't do makeup or skincare (again with the basic skin products, but no makeup).  I don't do tattoos or nails.  I don't do fancy clothes.  I wear comfortable shoes but not really name brands.  But I WILL pay for a ride home now and then and consider it well spent.  

And I'm not sorry for that.  One of my coworkers said I need to get a boyfriend who can drive me around.  Dad made the point the man who could do that wouldn't be working himself.  I want a man who works.  I am not really interested in a retired man.  But we will see never say never.  I never would have dreamed I would marry a blind man, or a black one.  But I did and was happy for a long time.  

One of Ron's friends made some advances to me just a few weeks after Ron died, I don't even think he had been cremated yet.  I found it very inappropriate and the man was nearly my Dad's age.  There's an old saying "men are looking for a purse or a nurse" and he was looking for a nurse.  I am sure he was a nice enough man but not looking for that again.  AND Ron had told me some very personal, disgusting, things about the man that would have killed any interest I did have.  

I think I am going to go outside for a bit.   I did, and wasn't that exciting.  As you may know I have some sensory issues where I get crawling sensations.  It is a lot better on the medication but still around.  So I went out, had a nice time, came in.  I felt something crawling around on the crown of my head, in my hair.  I ignored it for a few minutes but it got more persistent, I reached up and felt - something- so I flicked it out of my hair.  And there's a huge black wasp on the floor which I smacked with a shoe.  Thank God it did not sting me!  That would be very unpleasant.  I looked around outside I don't see a nest of any sort.  

But it did put the kibosh on going out again.  I called my parents they are doing well, going out to dinner with friends and then look at Christmas lights.  They always liked doing that although we never really did a display that I recall.  They decorated the tree that was about it.  

It is about the time to go check the mail.   Got a property tax bill it looked very ominous but was just a "due by January 31" bill.  And not that much, really.  

All I need to do are make up some sandwiches for the week, and fix my dinner.  I plan to have honey bbq chicken strips with some baked beans.  

That is it for now.