Thursday morning

 I slept OK but woke up with a headache.  I also woke up with 3 💖 cats in my bed, Cleo, Biscuit, and Torbie right by my head.  Pretty cute!  I took something (Excedrin) for the headache and it is mostly gone.  

I saw my basket as I sat down by the computer.  Long story on the basket.  Ron and I were at the Walmart in Galveston on our honeymoon and needed a few things.  I would push Ron in the wheelchair and he would hold a basket in his lap, when we shopped, back then.  They didn't have the blue plastic shopping baskets with the handles so I picked up a woven basket with handles, we used that and Ron said "I like this, let's buy it too" when we got to checkout.  So I kept it.  When he painstakingly cut out all the little cardboard squares for me a few years later I put them in the basket.  When he died I put all the cards on top of the squares, in the basket.  So it is very sentimental for me.  The movers almost threw out the squares when they were packing, I freaked and snatched it away and yelled "Not this!".  And Ron was still alive...

Anyway I am functional now, the headache is almost gone, but my hands are shaking.  A little hard to complete my health assessment at work.  Times like that I do wish I had someone else around who could do it for me.  

But one statistic I read:  If you don't remarry within 10 years of losing a spouse you are not going to remarry.  According to the research.  I still plan to hold tight to my 5 year plan of not dating and getting my head together.  I would like to think I would be OK being single, like the other ladies in my family, but I do miss having a companion.  I don't want a room-mate not to mention I would have to put them in Ron's room and share a toilet and shower which would be a little ick.  What if they have hepatitis?  What if they secretly hate cats and hurt mine when I am not around?  So on that count I would rather live alone.  Not to mention it can be really hard to evict someone if they prove to be a problem.  

I have been reading a lot of stories of people who didn't pay their rent during the lockdown, got rent assistance to stave off eviction, but when their lease expired the landlord said "Get out".  I can understand the landlord's viewpoint, you have already proven you are unreliable.  Not to mention the one lady I was reading about was very ugly to management during phone calls about repairs, admitted it.  No one likes to be talked to like they just *(&! on the rug.  Happily Walmart does not do that.  But the tenant feels like it was OK not to pay the rent and that could happen again.  I wouldn't want a tenant like that I have to pay taxes, insurance, utilities, and upkeep on the place and you are in the other room doing selfies all day.  That's a problem.  

I mean I was able to go out and find a job in the worst of it.  I went to interviews, applied online, honed my resume and cover letter, etc.  And I don't think I'm anything special, I just sat down and did the job stuff before I went on my message boards, blogged, etc.  I almost missed orientation at Walmart because they sent me an email and I don't have email on my phone!  Happily my aunt rode to the rescue.  So if I ever job hunt again I will have to get better at checking my email (I currently do it once in the morning and that's it).  

Checked my email $605 in my account from Walmart Associates Payroll (my name).  I will take it, I sure earned it.  I think I missed out on a bonus because I called out one day with a migraine, but there's no way I could have gone to work that day.  Maybe next time.  

My hair looks conditioned today from the hair stuff but not necessarily smoother, but I did just get out of bed.  Chances are it's going to rain today so after my shower I plan to put a little of the stuff on my ends, and part, and leave it at that.  I don't plan to use a lot like I did yesterday that was a little slimy.  

So, off to my shower.   Did that... was naked with hair brushed out (now there's a visual) before I remembered the litter box, so I cleaned them first then took the shower.  Nice fresh litter in there.  Good shower, I like that citrus mint soap.  I got a little more than I planned when I did a squirt of the hair stuff, so I put a moderate amount on my part (it gets very frizzy) and then some on the ends, then I put an old tshirt on until it soaks into my hair so it won't get slime all over me right after my shower.  

I am pretty clueless about beauty routines; when I was a teenager I spent most of my time suicidal and barely got into the shower to wash my hair and apply deodorant.  The rest of the time I was putting on blue mascara and too much blush.  When I met Ron I stopped wearing makeup because he couldn't see it.  He just asked me to take care of myself and be presentable he didn't care about lipstick or whatever.  So I just got out of the habit.  I was always clean but that's about it, I didn't fancy myself up.  

Lately I have been feeling a little push to use the whitening toothpaste, get some hair products, and a new skincare item (generic Cetaphil I think it was, the face wash).  I want to look "nice" not just "presentable" but still don't plan to wear makeup or style my hair.  I'll use the leave in conditioner but that's about as far as I plan to go.  Not to mention the intensive beauty routines cost a lot of money.  Still doing the ponytail, I just put it up in a clip for work.  Recently someone was working near me with some strapping tape and I had my hair down, I couldn't help but think what if she got my hair?  I would have to cut it off.  Happily it did not happen but it confirms me putting my hair up when I work.  Besides I am fairly active working.  

A lot of baying next door in #6's yard, I think Cleo is teasing the dog.  I didn't know what it was, at first.  But I'm up been up for a while so that works.  

I actually like getting up hours early, then I have time to just sit around, do my God Time, hang out with the cats, etc.  Then go to work.  But that's me, I think most of the people work that swing shift at work like to stay up until 4 AM.  I go to bed around 11 PM.  

I am moderately depressed today but nothing like last night.  I am happy for that.  I did sleep OK.  I had a weird dream but I don't remember it.  

I am going to go check on Dad's package.  It's in Oregon, that's encouraging.  He is in CA.  He has 2 packages but I figure I can just check the one.  Shipping was a lot but like my aunt said it is Christmas.  I could have just gotten him a Walmart Gift card or even a Starbucks, he did say he liked Starbucks, but 1.  They support some things I don't and 2.  I wanted to be original.  So hopefully he will like the gifts.  

And I just figured out the perfect present for my aunt, it will arrive on Saturday likely.  It is not necessarily a Christmas gift but it is something she wants.  And that's all that matters.  

For instance, I would be thrilled if someone brought me a case of litter for Christmas.  I can't eat chocolate, I have plenty of coffee (although could always use decaf), but I can always use cat litter.  Just a for instance.  

I did my God Time and bagged up some candy.  I am having troubles getting the hard, individually wrapped candy.  I make do with what I can get but would like a "better" mix.  However the candy is just a vehicle for the Scripture booklet so I don't worry about it.  I am just glad I have something to hand out.  But that's another thing I could use, hard individually wrapped candy.  I need to ask my aunt to keep an eye out the next time she goes to her Walmart.  Mine is pretty bare but hers may have more.  

I am glad I figured out her gift.  I was going to get one item but she has mentioned the other more than once so I feel confident.  I know she will like it, you don't always get that confidence in gift giving.  

Still moderately depressed but I will make it.  Just thinking about the day Ron died; those were some awful phone calls, first to my aunt "I found Ron (unresponsive) I called 911 he doesn't have a heart rate and isn't breathing".  Then my Dad I called him right after they pronounced Ron "Ron just died, I need to go talk to the Medical Examiner's investigator and will call you later".  Needless to say my aunt booked it over here.  And by then he had been pronounced.  

I will give the responders credit, they sure tried.  CPR so vigorous they broke 2 ribs.  They used a lot of epi, I heard them talking about that everytime they gave him a dose.  They shocked him, had him on a vent, intubated him, did everything they could but God had taken him.  

Now Ron faced a hellish decline into madness and dependence I am certain he was more than happy to go, and I'm sure God told him (and will) He would take care of me.  Once he heard that I am sure Ron was happy to go especially when God let him know he had Alzheimer's.  Who wants to stick around for that?  And Ron had a thing about "being a burden" he would not have wanted that.  

But his heart just gave out.  I used to laugh because, every time a medical person saw Ron's chest with the scars from the open heart surgery, they always got out the stethoscope and had a listen to his heart.  I thought it was "silly, his heart is fine".  It was NOT but I am glad I didn't know.  I would have worried endlessly and wouldn't have left him.  And really what could I do?  If God calls you, you are going and nothing a human can do is going to stop death.  And at the end of it I am glad Ron died when I was out of the house.  It might have been bad to hear.  

And now I need to go see about my ride home tonight.  I don't like to call him too early.  And he can do it.  

I am almost ready to go.  One thing I need to think about, do I want to get on the "affordable" health care plan?  I should get my own heart checked out, I am overweight and have a family history of trouble.  I do fine running for the bus and all but you never know.  And I don't want to put my loved ones through losing me.  I will think about it.  

That's it for now; may post tonight after work.