Tuesday afternoon

 I am just SAD today.  I did have bright spots, the cats, nice wholesome food to eat (I can see why the one lady in the Blind Vendor program offered to bring me groceries - she, by the way, was the only one in the program to reach out aside from Ron's cohort at the Post Office), a call from my aunt.  She is doing well just winding down from a very busy week.  

But I miss him.  I could talk to him anytime, he loved me with his whole heart.  I miss that.  I know he still loves me but as Jesus said there is now a "great gulf" between us.  And no I am not going to play with psychics.  The Bible is really clear on that.  And a clever person could find out a lot and appear to have the word from Ron but just a good researcher.  And I have shared a lot online.  

I would love to say I can look ahead and see the rest of my life single.  But I can't.  And I need to get to that point before I even think of anyone.  And the #1 question on anyone I spend time with - men - is he saved?  Does he love Jesus with his whole heart?  Is our theology compatible?  Because it has to be.  

Can I look ahead and see another man in my life?  No, I can't.  So I am stuck in this odd place.  But I have this huge hole in my heart; I need to let God fill it.  God is not going to die (again) and leave me ever but I have a hard time trusting again.  And this is why I think a lot of widows don't remarry; it's a huge betrayal to walk in and find your heart dead on the floor (or in the bed).  It's a huge shock.  

And the wedding vows, both Ron and I said "Until death" and death has come, our marriage is over and that's hard to accept.  I could always count on Ron staying.  He might be drunk and falling out of his wheelchair but he wasn't going out the door, either.  Same here, I told him I would never leave him (in the hospital) and I meant it.  He had just woken up and was very scared, I told him I would never lie to him about his health, and I would never leave him as long as he treated me with respect.  And I meant it.  He had made a concerted effort to treat me better the last year or two even though he didn't treat himself very well.  We had our own system but that is all gone.  

And yes I could weep and wail about it for a long time but life goes on.  The other day at work I met a Postal Worker.  She recognized me even with the mask and asked how Ron was, didn't even know he was dead, didn't even notice he hadn't gone to work in nearly 2 years.  And it made me realize we are so quickly forgotten when we die.  You give, in Ron's case, his own blood, to the business and it is all forgotten now.  Drivers move on and forget as well.  It's just me and a few others.  One just gossips about him I am sure.  But he didn't have many who loved him and that is really sad.  I think he was pretty lovable.  He had a huge heart.  

So I am sad today.  And that is OK.  I will either get used to this just like I got used to my "periodic" depressions (wink) or it will get better.  My parents run a grief counseling group as volunteers and they say you don't get over grief you get through it.  Which is a rather depressing thought.  But I will learn to deal.  

I worry about things, I work very hard on managing that and letting God do the lifting.  I worried constantly about Ron, my big fear him falling out of bed and breaking a hip, then getting entangled in the system and not being able to come home to me.  Or him getting into something when I left like he did that one day I took Torbie to the vet - I came home and the front door was wide open, he had gotten out in the garage and couldn't give a good reason why.  Now I know: Alzheimer's.  Oh I would have worried about that.  But I never once worried about him dying.  I worried "something" would happen to him and a finger would point at me, but I do believe the ME appreciated my honesty even though it made me, and Ron, look bad.  No one would lie about the amount I told them Ron was drinking (10-12 shots a day), drinking straight from the bottle, drinking 3 gallons of hard stuff a month.  And knowing that he made the right cause of death as his heart but secondary being alcohol.  I asked, and trusted, God for accurate results on the autopsy and I feel I got that.  

It all feels so raw.  It is better than it was, though.  But I am lonely and I miss him.  My house is a mess.  But I have some days off around Christmas so I can work on that.  

I am surprised I feel so full from just eating the salad and then some collagen in my coffee at breakfast.  I am going to remember this.  That will cut my calorie count way down.   I did just have some cheese on fake Triscuits.  That is always a good snack and pretty filling.  

And that's why I'm trying to do, eat more quality foods not just chips and garbage trash.  I have some soy nut butter (fake PB) out on the counter top warming up because I find it easier to spread at room temp, and it doesn't hurt it food safety wise.  That will be dinner: peanut butter and jelly because that's what I want.  I did up some vitamins in my pill box, and did another week of medication that I had taken.  That will cover anything I didn't get today, but I had collagen in coffee (decaf), a big salad (at least 3 cups greens) with some ranch dressing and a little bit of Italian cheese on top, some sharp cheddar cheese on Triscuits.  Then the sandwich for dinner and later on I will have one of the V8's I found in my pantry (and put in the fridge).  

I need to take care of myself.  I am really bad at that but am learning.  That's it for now.