So Dad's packages are at the facility where I used to work. I remember every Christmas they had rows and rows of "crab cages" full of priority mail waiting to go out again. But I have the tracking number, I have one set of updates coming to me and one to Mom so we will get the story. And if one package gets lost the other one will work by itself. I will tell you what I got him later.
I slept OK but some odd dreams right before I woke up. Depressed but not horribly so. I need to figure out a morning routine. I need to do various things like check my work app, make some coffee, work out my shoulders with the stretchy band, get dressed, do my God time. Check email, blog, and message board.
I will think about it. I did forget to do some of my month-start items so I cleaned the drains just now and changed the air filter, which did need some work but wasn't awful. I use a MERV 11 filter which gets down to a pretty small particle size. I did clean the washer a few days ago.
Let's see. Get up, feed cats (of course!), check their water. Coffee and antidepressant. Check work app. Shower. Work out shoulders. God Time. I think that will work I'm going to go write it all down. I am also going to bring back the food log.
I am OK with the Cracklin Oat bran (I just eat it dry) so that is a bonus. Middle aged ladies need their fiber. It will also help keep me accountable on what I'm eating. I had a hiccup last month and gained a few pounds, then lost it again. I did not weigh this morning because yesterday was my cheat day. I bought some salad mix as well so I can eat that. The fridge is definitely full; my aunt can't help me next week but, like I said, the fridge is full so that's all set. I got enough cash to cover a couple weeks of rides (at $20 a ride), even though I only work 4 days and then 2 days off, then 6 days. I don't know why they do it that way but I will keep showing up.
I don't want to talk about work anymore. I am really profoundly lonely and missing Ron tremendously. The good times, our little lingo, being able to whip out my phone and call him and he was always happy to get the call, etc. He was always happy (except at the end) to take my calls and chat. He enjoyed calling me when I was out and chatting, he would tease me I was "supposed to get out of the house to get away from [him] and here I was talking on the phone". Yes, codependent. I guess I will do research on that.
I feel like God should be able to meet all my needs and it's an indictment of my faith that I'm not content. And then I think this is what Paul wrote about in the Bible, some people are better married. I don't know. I am not making any decisions for at least 4 years and 3 months.
I was talking to Dad; I said I don't think Ron's birthday will be bad in January but the anniversary of his death I hear is BRUTAL for the widow. I know the anniversary of the accident was always hard for me, you guys saw that. Just look up January 7 any year. But I did get him back for 18 years I hang onto that. And many of them were good years. He worked very hard at appreciating me and being supportive of my problems. He was, I don't know if I've said that, absolutely terrified I would develop a drinking problem and basically forbade me to drink. Which I always found funny; here's a guy whose drinking boggled even the Medical Examiner (obvious in the report), doesn't want me to drink. And I didn't, or rather very, very, little. I had a couple of beers and a few single serve shots of flavored alcohol the last couple years but that was it. But it gives me a headache so not doing that. Besides I like being in control of my mind and drugs/alcohol take that away.
Speaking of drugs everywhere I go these days I smell pot. Customers at the store, people on the bus, people smoking pot at the bus stop out in the open, etc. it is endemic. Ron always preferred pot to alcohol and I preferred Ron on it as he didn't get obnoxious on pot. Ron didn't use pot because he was afraid of losing the house. But they might as well legalize it because everyone is using it now. And no I will not be using it.
The only way I could see me using pot was the non-THC stuff, for migraines. "Charlottes Web" stuff like that. I did a little research due to Ron's back pain. I do think it would have helped the dementia had I known.
But who wants to know your husband's brain is rotting away, he will continue to decline, and die a horrible contracted death in some hell hole? I sure wouldn't have wanted to know that. And God's time was perfect; Ron had deteriorated enough I could see it, but he still knew me. He was getting too much for one person and also couldn't really be left at the end.
I can share this now. Ron was always proud he could toilet himself. So one day I went to Walmart. I didn't hear from him which was unusual. I got home and he was yelling for me. He had fallen next to the toilet. I had to get him up and back to bed. He was physically fine but mortified he said he had been yelling for a while and forgotten I had gone to Walmart. This was a couple years ago. So we put the portable toilet next to the bed and he used that for about a year. But he just kept getting worse and worse it was a very helpless feeling. And he felt really bad about it, he said so again and again even though I reminded him I married a man in a wheelchair, he was not "surprising" me. I hope I never made him feel bad for needing help I tried very hard.
I am going to do my God time and then I think put my snowflakes on the Christmas tree. I got some red sparkly ones to contrast the green shiny balls (unbreakable) from last year. Next year maybe I will get some gold ornaments I like red, gold, green for the tree. That should help cheer me up. Because Jesus is still here even if Ron is not.
No comments:
Post a Comment