Saturday, April 3, 2010

The conclusion

I know it's a difficult day when I'm Googling "emotional abuse"; when I'm saying "Please stop cursing me" repeatedly, in a public place, and I'm faced with the prospect of walking home 3 miles because SOMEONE doesn't want me riding with them and I didn't bring my bus pass.

Overall, I'm pleased with MY behavior. I think I was appropriate; I just kept saying "Please stop. Please stop cursing me" in a FIRM voice. When I'm tempted to blame the head injury, I sadly recall things were like this before the accident.

The only thing I would change is 1. Always carry at least $10 cash for emergencies like today and 2. Always, always carry the bus pass. Probably a good thing I didn't have the pepper spray! [giggle]

Looking for the positive, I can say it was "only" verbal, but that's like saying you were only stabbed. I'd rather get mugged again than deal with this morning. [shudder]

I am gradually coming to the conclusion that I'm going to have to move out. To protect myself (emotionally). I can take care of myself, and him, at the same time. Speaking in general terms, the final problem is this:
He wants me to take care of him emotionally and physically, but does not want to make any accomodations to my disabilities. He wants me "On call" 24/7; always ready to bolster him, but is not willing to reciprocate. He doesn't want to "deal" with my illness or occasional brain fogs due to FAS and medication.

When I asked him "This is what you call your wife?" the answer followed "You're not my wife, you're the woman I'm stuck with. I wouldn't have picked you!" Other, hateful comments followed until I walked away.

It was not fun asking him for bus fare and being denied; telling him I'd walk, and then he changes his mind when I'm half a mile down the road. Then it was "Ride home with me, if you can control yourself." No thanks. See, that's an emotional abuser trick. They make it YOUR fault. If I had been better able to control myself; intuiting instinctively that he had failed to set an alarm for himself, then he wouldn't have had to tear into me, verbally, in public.

I wasn't embarrassed, so much for myself, as for the people who had to hear it. I find that beyond crude. Other people shouldn't have to hear your dramas.

I rode the bus, two of them. I delighted the bus drivers with the driver candy, and got smiles and appreciation for a change. I needed that. The "bum" hitting me up for cash was nothing in comparison to what I'd already handled.

I'm done being hurt; I've been done with being hurt for a while now. I'm more annoyed, than anything else. Whatever it takes to move out will be worth it. A day without his verbal abuse and love bombing will be a real treat.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Heather, whatever you need in terms of support from me, you've got. You have the right to live as a person in your own right and not as a verbal punching bag. If you saw me or anyone of your other friends taking this kind of behaviour, you'd be aghast. Don't accept it! And don't fall prey to his 180 turnaround when he realizes that he's pushed ya a bit too far. I still think of him as Teflon Ron, because nothing sticks to him. :-(

Remember that cute apartment you'd seen back when you were still journaling on LCF? Is it still available?

(((((Hugs))))

Rachel

Anonymous said...

take care ..I wish you had a support group or could get out and go someplace with others you could relate to

you know people out here love you and hate to see you suffer ..this seems to come in cycles for you and you weather each storm and another one follows

OOOXXX