Physical vs. Mental

It's interesting. I'm hurting emotionally; I'm hurting physically.

The physical pain was "my" fault. I reached into something in the backyard without looking, and got stung by that nasty-looking wasp (see photo below). Not that one, but a friend! It hurt a pretty good amount. I would describe it as stabbing and firey at first. As the hand began to swell, it morphed into crushing, grinding, and good old stabbing again. Right now, it hurts at about a 2-3 on a 1-10 scale, not bad enough, in my opinion, to warrant an over the counter pain medication. It's a stabbing, crushing kind of thing.

I would love to think that my hideous history of migraines has raised my pain tolerance. I would love to think all that pain wasn't "wasted". Maybe it's true. I did feel able to cook and do a whole sinkful of dishes. I use hot! water too. Not just hot; hot!

It's a sad realization that the physical pain is far "easier" than the emotional pain. I have really been leaning on God today; it reminds me of right after Ron's accident when things were rather similar. I had no idea what the future held. The same applies now. I don't know what tomorrow will hold for us; but I do know he has stated repeatedly that he feels "stuck", doesn't want to live with me, and has stated that if he met me as I am now, he would not have "chosen" me (because I am "too broken").

How does anyone handle that, after they have sacrified everything to love someone for 18 years? Suddenly I'm told I'm not enough, and he doesn't want me in his life. I even begged him, before the wedding, to "Make sure" he wanted the whole package; because it would have been easy to split at that point and time.

Instead, afraid of the future (he has told me this), he decided to stick with the sure bet. Again, after I was diagnosed with my illness, I asked him to really consider our relationship. He said my illness was "No Big Deal", and told me he was happy I had "Gotten an answer".

Now, my symptoms are well-managed, my medication is cheap, and he's decided it's "Too much trouble" to love me! I'd have rather been stung by a whole HIVE.