I have a lot of questions

I have a lot of questions about my life, and the way I live it. Some things, no question: my faith in God, my committment to my husband/marriage, my work ethic.

Other times, I have questions:
Why do I act like it's so hard to do something nice for myself, like play my favorite music playlist while I'm online?
Do I really think I don't deserve happiness? Why? Why am I hard on myself, trying to carry all these burdens?

Things like this: Would I have fewer Dr Peppers, if I cut back on my headaches? I decided to leave that as typed. [giggle] I drink a LOT of diet soda. Could I reduce the frequency and severity of my headaches by cutting back on the diet pop? If I could, would I want to? Can I do anything about the headaches? Are they really just side effects of 2/3 of my medication, or an indication of something worse?

Am I at "optimal" management of my illness? Is there something I can do to make it better? A lot of anxiety issues - how much of that is related to caffeine intake and diet sodas? If it's not related to the soda, is it an outgrowth of my illness, or my situation? Would I be helped by an anti-anxiety drug? Would I get hooked? How much would it cost? Would it give me MORE headaches? Would it be worth it? I don't want to be the person who says "Oh, I need a pill to deal with that".

My husband. Am I doing my best? Am I honestly giving him 100%? To my mind, what he's giving is between him and God, so I won't ask if he's giving his all. If he is remiss, God will deal with him. Could I be more encouraging, or does he find it annoying? Should I invite him to participate in my devotional and prayer time? Should I invite him into my faith, or would it just piss him off?

I take these questions to God, in prayer, on a regular basis, and He is pretty good at giving me some kind of feedback. I ask him to "Put His thoughts in my head" and I feel He does a good job of that. I ask Him to put His love in my heart; and He does. I ask Him to put his words in my mouth and hands - I don't want to be a bitter, negative, hater. If I am it's certainly not His fault!

God's love IS enough to pull me through anything. I think I have a tremendous advantage; my early life was so dreadful that nothing can compete. I have been through some very harsh times; He carried me. I know He walks with me, holding me up when I'm weak. I've said this many times, without Him, I never would have made it to 15 years old. He's had my back for 35 years, and that's never changing.

That's a damned good base to build on; no matter how many questions I've got.