Look before you reach!

Ugh. It was a Monday, ending in a horribly painful venomous sting.

It started off OK. Got up, went to work, nice driver. Ron was in a mood, though. I will type as long as I can but it's starting to hurt pretty bad. I just applied more lavender oil, that ought to help.

Ron made several verbal changes to our pastry order and asked me to tell the guy. I told him I didn't think I could remember, and asked him to call the guy instead. He got angry and accused me of "faking" things. I asked him "Why in God's name would I want to make myself look 'stupider' than I am? What is the benefit? I have pride, you know." He got angry. I wasn't that bad, etc.

I told him as I do often, that when he carries on like that I find it painful. I don't make a big production out of the accomodations I have to make for him... well, he said, that's because his limitations are physical. Apparently, somewhere in his code, anything to do with the brain is "faking", not real, or not legitimate.

Then he said that while he loves me, he doesn't love my disability, we are two seperate things. No, I said, I'm not. I'm a package deal and you only want half the package. He agreed.

OUCH. I could get self-righteous and say that I have never even thought that with regards to Ron, and I'd be correct, and he knows that.

I said if you really feel that way why are you with me? Basically, I think, because he is afraid to be alone. So he plays "Dog in the manger" complaining about how difficult it is to live with me, taking and taking, and not giving much emotionally in return because "He doesn't love the disability".

I really had to work, very hard, on having a Godly attitude today. It would have been very easy to be bitter. I'm not bitter, I'm sad. Ron has confirmed what I always suspected. He wants what I have to give him, but he doesn't want me. Not the real me. He has some idealized image that's nowhere near reality. I don't live up to that and it makes him angry.

I assure you, when I tell Ron I got stung by a wasp today, he will get very angry and rant and rave so much "At God" that I will regret telling him. He will use the word "Sickly" with regard to my health. Then he will complain about the smell of the lavender oil, yell at God some more, and offer very little comfort or empathy. It's tragic.

That lavender essential oil, btw, is good stuff. I can type.

Ron finally pulled the old emotional abuser trick "We keep fighting, can we stop fighting?" I told him he was the one yelling, I was being calm. I was not name calling or saying anything negative. I was just stating how I felt. By the way, he is always saying I'm "WRONG" when I tell him how I feel. He decided, since I kept standing up for myself, that I didn't "deserve" - his words, a trip to Starbucks after work.

Trust me, if I felt God wanted me out of here, I'd be gone. Fine, i told him, if I wanted to go somewhere I could go on the bus. That stopped him.

Oh, I forgot to mention I heard semi-automatic gunfire in the subdivision this morning. Scary.

After a very emotionally TAXING day at work, finally got home, after an hour ride. I went to bed. He started drinking. [sigh] He has been quiet at least.

I kept wondering today about doing an intervention on him, for the depression and the alcohol. I wondered about the A&E TV show, Intervention. I wondered about doing my own and figured out the list of people I'd invite. People care about him; but he drives them away.

I am not surprised I have had so much trouble getting out of this depression; the circumstances are, frankly, depressing. I feel I'm in a one-way loveless marriage, unless it suits him to be cuddly. He takes and doesn't give me anything emotionally. He feels it's perfectly acceptable to engage in verbal and emotional abuse. Depressing!

So, I got home. I tried to take a nap, couldn't. Got up, Ron was slurring his words. I decided I would not be improved by staying in the house, so I mowed the yard. The neighbors are a convenient target, I spent almost an hour yelling at them in my head for various "infractions".

[sometimes I think I should get a punching bag]

I knocked over my smoker, and it fell open, facing away from me. I reached in the smoker to pick it up and OOOOOOOW. As I took my hand out, I shook off a red wasp (see photo). I stepped on one about 5 years ago, in my bare feet. The pain is pretty distinctive. It got me on my right hand, mainly on the ring finger. It's swelling and red, a couple of inches around the sting.

I immediately ran in the house, and ran cold water on it. I washed it with cold water and made sure it was bleeding freely. Then I grabbed my first-aid toolbox and put some lavender essential oil on the sting. It started drawing the pain quickly. I recalled this from the last sting - nothing worked until I tried the lavender oil. It's also good for minor burns, but you have to get the pure essential oil.

It did get me out of my negativity loop. I have something to focus on now. [snort]

I just wish my life were a little more boring at times.