I basically took it easy. About the most difficult thing I did was avoid watching "Rose Red" on Sci-fi, and cooking 4 nice chicken breasts. Some were supposed to make it to today, but once I hit them with that sharp cheddar cheese (I sauteed them in the big iron skillet), I couldn't resist.
Bubba came and sat by my foot. He STARED at me. I cut up another chicken breast. "You don't like chicken" I told him. He kept staring. I gave him a fingernail sized tidbit and returned my attention to my own plate. When I looked back, it was gone, and more STARING. He ended up eating about half a chicken breast. I'd cut up tidbits and serve them to him. Interesting Bubba fact, he always waits until AFTER I salt the meat, before he starts STARING, or in the case of beef/pork, stealing tidbits off my plate. I had fun. I guess you could say, that was my family meal! Shared with the One who loves me! [laugh] He slept all night in my bed, too. He knows I love him, too.
I did not wake up today with a headache. More on that later. I had horrible nightmares I was out on my own, working, and miserable. I took my Bible-loaded MP3 player and listened to about half of Matthew and part of Mark while unloading and stacking various pallets of soda. The line "A house divided against itself cannot stand.", really hit me. I got the feeling, from God, that the Devil is attacking my marriage.
I also got the feeling He wants me to "Stand". Stand up to abuse, stand up for myself, and stand by his side... unless he is going off in which God also made it clear, years ago, that it's perfectly OK to walk away to avoid verbal abuse.
So, when I got up I put on my running t-shirt, now oversized, and my jeans. I dressed in my comfy shoes and got ready for a hard day's work. I put up about 100 cases of soda, cans and bottles. A food machine was down; I worked on that to the best of my ability. That's dead - we have to wait on a part. The other food machine went down and Ron began shrieking my name hysterically. Funny how he can treat me like a POS until he needs me. I did the troubleshoot on that one, and it's fine. I found it sad, that when we got it working, I thanked God while Ron cussed Him out. I don't envy Ron when he has to account for his life.
However, I am not letting HIM mess with my faith, so I went back in the stockroom, turned on my Bible again, and went back to organizing the sodas. I was glad I had worn the wicking t-shirt, because I tend to sweat a lot when doing lifting and all. Nothing worse than walking around in a clammy, clinging, wet, sweaty t-shirt.
The repairman came at one point and didn't charge us to tell us the bad news. The Dr Pepper guy came to do the annual audit (do we still have 3 machines? We'd better! [laugh]). Everyone got a treat.
Funny story: right after we get to work, the sandwich guy calls. Normally I use a folding handcart, but I didn't have time to empty the bottled soda on it. I had to take the 3-shelf bus cart. I got almost all the way out to the dock - a couple minutes walk each way, and I realize, I don't have a check! Oh, I was mad at myself. So, I left the cart on the dock. I told the guy why. I go back in the building, get a check and pen, and go back out. As I emerge onto the dock, the deliveryman says "You had one here on the cart". The second shelf! [head in hands] I was really aggravated, but I find it funny, too.
I went back in and put the sandwiches into the good machine. I'm asking God to keep the good machine up and running, nice and happy and good sales to make up for the lost sales on the dead one. I know He will take care of us; He always has.
I was about out of cheese. That's a problem. I needed some more shampoo and all too. So, Ron made a trip to Walmart. We had a pretty good ride each way.
After I had finished my shopping, he says he is really embarrassed about what happened last Saturday. I find this extremely promising, if he can feel shame over his behavior, maybe he will work on changing it, right?
"I didn't like how you kept telling me to stop and asking someone to help me because you were leaving. I didn't like how you tried to leave me. That was embarrassing."
"All I did," I replied "Is ask you to stop cursing me out. Remember that? I said, again and again, 'Please stop cursing me out' in a calm voice. You were verbally abusing me. I asked you to stop, and then when you refused, getting angrier and calling me WORSE names, I pulled away from you and asked an employee to take you to a table."
"Still" he says "You embarrassed me." YES, I wanted to slap him upside the head. Yes, I wanted to walk and keep walking, until I never saw him again. Yes, I did. You know it!
THAT'S when I got today's headache. Probably from repressing all my URGES. I just said "I'm going to wait outside, there's nowhere to sit." He was sitting on the seat on the back of the cart.
I left and didn't go back until our ride had arrived. I wonder if he notices, I leave the scene when he gets verbally abusive or tries to distort reality? I wonder if he notices, how far away I am emotionally?
Oh, and my favorite. He said "Since you weren't very responsible about your cash, and I never lose money, I can hold your money for you if you want, and just give it to you as needed."
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Like he didn't give me bus fare last weekend? How he told me to walk home in my sandals, miles? I had to BEG him for $2.50 and he kept saying no? He finally changed his mind about 5 minutes later, but for those 5 minutes, he WANTED to hurt me by making me walk home? You can bet, when I got home, I taped $3 on his doorknob. Sadder, he took it.
NO way in hell! But I was very low-key and polite. [shaking my head in disgust]
I feel like God asks too much of me at times. I get resentful sometimes. I want an easy life without all the overcoming this and overcoming that and carrying my verbally abusive, addicted, dependent, demanding, husband on my back. I want a man who respects me, who would rather take a beating than say an unkind word to me. I have never wanted a rich, or handsome man. I just wanted a man who VALUES me. I only get that when I'm at work and I just fixed something. Or I fetched him something, on demand, like a mutt. Then only some of the time.
I want to feel like I can tell my parents about bad things in my life without them freaking out and saying they'll have to choose sides, they love Ron, and I won't like the side they choose. And that was after telling them he HIT me!
I want my sister to be happy and healthy; I want her to have the great life she deserves. I want my brother to find Jesus.
Yes, I want a lot. I know God never gives a burden, without giving me a stronger back to carry it, but sometimes I get tired of having to be so strong!
Aren't my own disabilities enough? Why all the rest?
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