"Talking'

I slept great last night, it was awesome. I have asked God for a little more emotional support recently, and the cat's been unusually affectionate. I slept very well, the only dream I had was one about a pot roast. My hand didn't bother me at all, and I had it under my pillow, supporting my head. I started my cycle, without too much pain. Cool. I got some painkillers down first thing.

Then Ron realized I was awake. "We need to talk". Oh, no. Can I go play with a wasp nest instead? It was very, very long, mostly him complaining about how "unfairly" God has treated him and how he's so angry at Him as a result. Then, the little attacking comments like "I don't see how you can love Him."

My favorite was when he kept using the word "Stupid" to refer to me. "I get angry when you get stupid." Can we use another word? No, because that would be me controlling him, and he won't be controlled. I heard the word stupid again and again even though I kept telling him I found it hurtful.

I don't have much of a short term audio memory now, and sometimes my processing speed can slow down a little, but I find the tradeoff worthwhile. Ron just does the whole "I'm angry at God so I crap all over you" routine; again and again. "I get angry that you are so stupid" [loud groan] Then really loving comments like "I would have thought I'd have gotten more out of you, that your health wouldn't degenerate for a while yet. Even my father 'got' 30 years out of my mother. Why are you so sickly?" I take very good care of myself, thank you. His mother literally ate herself into a nursing home. Lots of "Why did God stick me with a defective like you" type comments. A little worshipping at the altar of "The Normal Woman" - "A Normal woman wouldn't have all these problems, and could do whatever I wanted." And where is she? Oh, that's right. She ran like hell when... [insert truly shameful experience for Ron] after your accident". I THOUGHT it, I didn't say it. I never will.

The only consoling thing was that he's decided he loves me again. He would never hurt me, just ask him. I told him, when you get angry, curse, scream at me, name call, etc., that is hurtful. You hurt me when you do that. If you don't want to hurt me, why are you doing this? You know it hurts me. Oh, he's not angry at me, he's angry at God. I have told him, if you're angry at God take it to Him, not to be only person who has stood by you, no matter what. He has as much as said that the dumps on me because I'm there and he thinks I will never leave.

He said "I didn't want to yell at God, because I thought He would get mad at me." I asked the question, if he is worried about God's anger then why is he treating me like this? No answer. Just "I am not mad at you, but him."

Then it was the whole "It's YOUR job to.... or else I will do it again." First it was MY JOB to remind him I'M STUPID. I was literally supposed to say that to him. "MY medication makes me stupid" when he gets angry about a side effect. Ah. No.

Then, later on, he decided to have me remind him that he is not angry at me, but God.

Thank God for my herbal stuff; today has been a migraine. I even told him, I would rather get stung by a whole HIVE of wasps than deal with more verbal abuse like I got yesterday. Or this morning.

He tried to hold my hand this morning, so I had to tell him about the wasp. That went EXACTLY as I expected. Lots of anger and yelling "At God". But he's always dumping it in MY direction.

I especially liked all the sharp comments when I told him I was doing my Bible study. I told him, if you keep sharing your thoughts, I will start sharing mine, by praying out loud. That ran him off RIGHT quick.

I am going to have a Day Out before I gnaw off one of my own limbs.