How do I do it?

By now you know, I have brain damage, I have bipolar disorder, I have a verbally and emotionally abusive husband. I'm a caregiver for said husband. We don't have much money. Now he says he wants me out of his life, even if it means going into a nursing home (it won't but if he continues to reject me I expect he may end up in a group home, or one of the hellhole "independent living" apartments).

I have a lot of stress in my life! How have I managed to keep from absolutely LOSING it? Trust me, it would be easy! If I allow myself, even when things are good in my marriage I can be CONSUMED by worry. I can have a hard time getting thoughts out of my head, it's like an annoying barnacle or leech.

How does a woman with a history of suicidal depressions keep from taking the final leap (pun intended)? Why am I beating the keys on my keyboard with a wasp-stung hand, desperate to tell you how?

Jesus. Let me tell you, I thought the depression was bad when I was 13, decades of ensuing, suicidal depressions bring the realization that as long as I'm alive, I'm never free of the pain. Never. It will ALWAYS come back, the worst horror imaginable. That's bad enough - I would have ended it right then and there, let me tell you - it would be a mercy (and why I will NEVER have children). I am NEVER free, I can only turn down the volume slightly.

That's not all kids. Let's talk about the Demons. Yeah, demons in my head. Especially bad at night. Telling me I'll die alone, and that when I do I'll do the world a favor. Telling me to hurt myself. Horrific impulse to do myself damage. Hearing things. Seeing things. Smelling things. The invisible bugs on my skin. Do you know how awful it felt when I accidentally stepped in a fire ant mound, felt them crawling on my skin, blew it off as hallucinating, again. Until the biting began; covered in huge welts from my ankle to my knee - because I'm so used to the invisible bugs. Horrible. Absolutely horrible! I can never trust my brain for a minute! I can never let my brain off the leash of medication, because it will go on a RAMPAGE. Thank God for the little red pills - one a night - no more demons, no more bugs. Thank you Jesus they went generic - they're affordable too.

If I stop my medication, the demons WILL be back. The medication could raise my risk of diabetes and certain cancers. I'll take that risk.

The manias. Oh, the manias. At first, fun, for a few years. Then, compulsions to shop, to do this, to do that. Obsessive interest in strange things. I literally could not get them out of my head. I had one heck of a libary, let me tell you! It's awful, like someone puts "uppers" in your food or something and you can't come down... I was begging to slow down, to stop, to sleep, begging for relief... none. My thoughts flying in a million different directions. It was like I was on some horrible roller coaster I couldn't stop. Screaming, begging to get off. And when it's over? The depression, demons, etc.

Let's stop there for a minute. What did I have to live for? I mean, really? I have brain damage - I can't even drive a car! I will be dependent on public transportation for my entire life. I don't have the option of that country place - it's not on the bus line. I have to watch TV with the captioning on or I don't comprehend the programming!

That's not all. So, I'm damaged, and mentally ill on top of that. I didn't come with a manual. My family did their best - but I didn't come with a manual. I didn't get the Fetal Alcohol diagnosis until I was 17 years, 9 months old! Safe to say a few mental scars. None of it intended.

I launch right out of that into a severly codependent relationship. Drinking, being cheated on, etc. Wouldn't marry me. Lots of work difficulties because of my illnesses (bosses, I am sorry, I know I wasn't easy). My only surprise, looking back, is that I was not fired MORE OFTEN. I got my GED. College is really, really, hard because of that damaged audio processing circuit in my head; and the professor doesn't come with closed-captioning subtitles! [off topic, now I know I would do well with online learning]

When I went to apply for Social Security, after Ron's accident, I was worried that my income would interfere with his check. The worker pulled up my work history and laughed. "Based on your work history, you will NEVER make enough to interfere with his check. Never!" Ouch. So, let's add a crappy earning potential to the equation.

Oh, remember the guy who wasn't treating me right? He opened his own business and had me working 16 hour days. Demanding is a good word to describe him. He acted as though his entire future rode on my back; I had to carry the load or we'd both go down in flames.

On me. Me. Maybe now would be a good time to scroll up and reread. How did I do that? I'll tell you, but not yet.

Now, let's add some drama! That guy, gets hit by a reckless drive on his way to work. I am fired from my job, the rent money was stolen, and he's on life support! And EVERYONE is blaming me for the accident because he was walking alone! He had me up until 11 the night before, working on an accounting report.

At that point, I have no real emotional or moral support. I am mentally ill, about to be evicted, I have brain damaged, people are trying to put a tremendous load of guilt onto me. I am jobless. I can't even get home to feed the cats, because the buses weren't running. Not one of his family members thought to give me a ride home.

Why am I still breathing? Why haven't I been crushed under these huge loads? Why did I listen to "Be Happy" as I typed this?

I'm with Jesus. I turned my life over to him at age 8, and then again after my first suicidal depression. I realized I would carry a very heavy load for my entire life, and if I had to, I wanted a Friend. I wanted someone to carry my burdens day by day, because He is the God who saves me. He has carried me! Just the burden of my depressions alone would have killed me, but whenever I need Him, He's there. He NEVER leaves me, ever. If He had, I wouldn't have made it. I can cry to Him, any time of the day or night, and He'll answer.

Often, I may not like the answer. He has told me again and again, to stick with Ron, when it would have been a lot "easier" to have left. After his accident, no one thought he'd recover. He'd live, but what would live and how much daily care would "it" need? No one had any answers. God told me, stick with him, and I'll give you what you need. He did. I couldn't have been a solo, 24/7 caregiver for someone in his condition, any other way.

Today has been difficult. Things will not get easy anytime soon. I will always have major external problems in my life, in addition to the burdens of two disabilities.

But I am NEVER, ever, alone. I will go where He sends me and ask him to give me the strength to carry whatever load He gives me. I will LEARN and grow from every trial, becoming a better and better servant of His. I have been in the Valley of the Shadow of Death; and I'll be back. He's always with me.

That's the only thing that matters. He IS with me.