Depression tune-up

I had gotten spoiled with my illness. Two weeks up, two weeks down, maybe a week of normal. Going up! Going down... I'd gotten used to it and even come to expect rapid cycling - rapid shifts in my mood, within days.

I was happy to say goodbye to the Mixed Episodes. I doubt you will find a single person on the planet who enjoys them - it's the worst of the mania and depression in one horrible package. Like, jittery suicidal. UGH! So, I was happy to say goodbye to that aspect of my illness, if I still have it it's not bad for me.

I actually relied on the Rapid Cycling - even though that is supposed to be "bad" from what I can tell. It was very comforting to me, when depressed, to say, I've only got another week or two of this.

When Frosty died, I expected to grieve. I was not surprised to experience a monthlong depression. I didn't even admit it to myself, but I thought "Oh, thank God, after this I can go back to biweekly depressions."

When I started the Wellbutrin in January, it took a good couple weeks for it to scour out all the depression, then I had a very nice 5 week period. "Maybe my depression is in remission" I thought. It had happened before, it was great. I just went from a little happy to normal, for a few months. This time I felt very level. Pretty close to the "Baseline" mood our docs aim for us to keep.

I started getting depressed in March, as usual. I was actually hospitalized for a horrible depression in the Spring when I was 13, it's that predictable. I can literally look back 2 decades and go "I always get depressed around now."

I have become SPOILED. it's been SIX weeks. It's a different depression, more anxious and weepy, less solitary. Still about the same amount agitated. Ron told me once that he missed my "Old" depressions, where I sought comfort from him. I tend to be more of a cactus with the "newer" ones. I've got the "Old" ones again, and while he hates to see me suffer he enjoys it when I seek him out for a hug.

So, I'm not cycling rapidly (I told Doc's people all this, btw), my depressions are more the way they used to be. I still have interest in things like Blogging, and Doc said that "Loss of Interest" was my big depression issue. Is this a better depression? Should I be happier it's been longer between cycles?

I'm a little alarmed at the thought of a months-long-mania. On the one hand, I can direct that energy somewhat, but on the other hand a short mania's exhausting. I made a little joke to myself once that I needed the two weeks of depression to rest up from the stresses of the 2 week mania.

I don't know what to expect anymore; my illness is changing like one of those transforming toys. I don't know if it's "better" or not. I'll just ride this pony, and try to leave it all in God's hands. God has carried me through it all for decades.

I also know that He has given me a strong back to carry my burdens, and this may be His way of taking off some of my load; I'll have to wait and see. I do not believe my illness will get "Worse".