Governor

 I remember probably 30 years ago my bus drivers were very aggravated because management had installed "governors" on the buses that did not allow them to go over a certain speed.  

One of the complaints they felt it was unsafe.  I don't know the end result on that 

But now, when I open the blog, I have to remember anything I write can and will be used against me, and to me, worse, my loved ones.  It's my governor.  

I had a very hot wait at the bus stop feels like temperature was about 100, no wind and very sunny.  That's why I wear minimal makeup.  The rides were about what I expected.  

I set up an appointment with the cat sitter for tomorrow after work.  I am going to see if she wants the taxidermy bear.  

I need to buy some litter and then the cats are set.  I have had a very nasty and persistent headache the last few days I hope I can shake that before I leave.  

I am actually glad I have a few days to relax before I leave.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday's my long day

 But I made it.  The boss was there for most of it which was exhausting.  I will work, and work hard, but micromanaging...

I took an anonymous employee survey recently.  I gave a hard fail to the following questions: Do I feel appreciated?  Do I feel respected?  Do I feel like I can make a mistake?  Do I feel like I make enough money for the work I do?  

Aldi is going to be paying I believe $18 an hour to their starting people now but they are currently only hiring for temporary seasonal work.  Walmart in Houston is not paying that much.  

For someone with pride issues, I have a very hard time seeing good in myself.  But I am a very loyal person.  That loyalty is not infinite.  

My pay has got to go up, especially if someone gets elected this year.  

Basically my worst nightmare going to see my Dad is 1.  Getting stuck out in California for some reason or 2.  A severe weather event impacts Houston while I am gone.  

And there is a tropical thing brewing up in the Gulf.  But the Gulf Coast is very, very, long.  My insurance is paid up that's all I can do.  I will also make a run through the house and make sure everything is up off the floor in case I flood (very unlikely).  

I am going to contact my cat sitter today and try to arrange a meet up.  I have her deposit.  She didn't ask for a deposit but it only seems fair to give her half up front and she didn't say "no" to that, either.  

I woke up at 4, unfortunately with a headache so I had to take a (caffeine containing) headache pill.  I have been up ever since.  I am going to go back to bed and try to catch a little more sleep.  

That's it for now!  

Wednesday lunch

 It's been a challenging day.  The boss came in early and it's safe to say no one was happy about it.  

I will be happy to get out of here even though I am not looking forward to the ride home on the bus.  

I ate a breakfast bowl for lunch and took my pills.  So at least I have that on board as I face my last 2 hours.  

I decided to dump the whole litter box

 And clean it; so that's done.  Then I just need to scoop every day.  I will also need to get more litter.  

But today shouldn't be too bad.  I'm assuming I will be pretty tired when I got home as I got up at 1:30 this morning.  

Time to finish up that box!  I can't let it air dry as it's the primary box for my gang.  

That was pretty funny.  It takes 20 pounds of litter to fill up the box, it's an xl size from Chewy.  From what I recall it came in a huge shipping box.  Anyway I had one bag left of the Fresh Step and 4 bags of Scoop Away.  So I used one of each.  

It's been my experience, the cats don't care what litter I use.  It matters to me, cleaning it out, do the clumps stay together, but as long as there is something sand-like to dig the cats will use it.  One reason I have never had potted plants in the house.  

But I felt like a chemist mixing ammonia and bleach when I put the two bags together!  Of course nothing happened, it's cat litter, but it is all done up for the cats.  I have found it helpful to put the litter box on top of an old pee pad as well.  I had them leftover from when I had Ron, the package was opened so I figured no one would want them.  So I hung onto them.  They've proven useful enough I will keep getting them.  

Baby Girl was the only cat really picky about litter.  She wanted unscented only.  And only Frosty liked the wood pellets litter.  

Plenty of dust and ick to go around cleaning all that up, sweeping the house, cleaning out the fridge.  I won't be taking the trash out next week so if it's going out it had to be today - so I got that out as well (me in my loud yellow bathrobe at 4 AM).  

So now, shower time!  Wash day for my hair and I need to shave my legs as well (not that anyone will see them).  And, happily, the house does not smell like fried potatoes and cat pee.  

That's it for now!  

Well, that hasn't happened for a while

 At times I have had problems with my hands shaking, particularly when I needed to do something in the work app or online.  It hasn't happened in a while.  

I woke up with a pretty persistent headache about an hour ago and took some OTC pain medicine which of course has about 130 mg of caffeine.  

Just now I paid my gas and electric bills online.  And I battled horrific problems with shaking hands I could barely input what I needed.  And one bill was due today I had to get it done.  

It was hideous.  

I remember when I worked at an agency that handled, in part, disability claims and one thing the Social Security guru was always doing he had a thing going with former data entry operators who were out on disability for hand/wrist issues.  When they went to work doing something else he had a thing with Social Security where they said they were saving $$ out of their check to pay for a speech to text program so they could get back into data entry, and the program was not cheap.  

God forbid I may need something like that one day.  That was awful, just now.  

I have a family history of essential tremor - it was bad enough my mother, a professional musician, had to stop playing piano.  Other family members have required botox injections in their arms and hands.  If that wasn't enough the medication I take to stay alive also causes/aggravates tremor.  

I just hope I can use my hands the rest of the day!  So far I seem to be OK typing at least.  

The answer is no

I gave some thought to reopening comments because I always liked feedback on my blog but, after doing some reading, decided it would be a bad idea.  Everything I read says don't give the stalker a voice or a dialogue.  

That is unfortunate for the good guys, I feel bad about that, but the comments I was getting were progressively more hostile, irrational, and profane.  To the point I feel I will have to warn/protect any man in my life.  

And I plan to keep looking for the right guy.  

I mean, really, I'm going to change one abusive relationship for another?  

No.  

I wasn't kidding when I said I was making changes and this is one.  

[SNIP}

Cutting the pest, out of my life.  

I live a life of adventure

 My Dad praised me one day for using the Scientific Method to track migraines.  Basically, eat the offending food on 2 separate occasions and see if it's an issue.  

So today I thought I don't want to throw out hours of hard work making those breakfast bowls if they are, in fact, fine.  But I also had cereal.  

So this morning I had the cereal with no apparent issues.  Just now I had a breakfast bowl.  

Note: I had one Sunday night and one Monday for lunch, no immediate issues, but something got me Monday night around bedtime.  Worst case I will be sick tonight but I will know.  

Risky but I think worth it.  I didn't have any vomiting which would really scare me.  I need to be able to take my pills which I'm about to do right now.  

And, since I have the day off, go back to bed hopefully with Mr Kitty Cat and get some more sugar.  

I should make a video blog about this, but I won't.

 Too painful.  

I took a photo yesterday

Not bad, I thought, but I could use some lipstick.  But my lipstick is packed up at home.  However, I work at a Walmart so I went to Cosmetics on my lunch.  

I got a tube of this: 

https://www.wetnwildbeauty.com/product/mega-last-high-shine-lip-color-raining-rubies/?bvstate=pg:2/ct:r

Which is the same thing I have at home, I love the color.  It's very bold.  

I applied and I could tell people were noticing it.  The first time I wore it at work my boss made a comment (positive) and several coworkers said something of the lines of "Oh, you're wearing lipstick" and most added "It's cute".  Even the very retiring Muslim lady in the headscarf who never, ever, wears makeup said "You're wearing lipstick now?" and I said yes and a little about why (I decided it was time to make some changes) and she said "It looks really good on you" with great emphasis, then she hurried off.  

And it was so, so, sad (I'm crying now and I knew this would happen if I did a video blog) because everytime someone noticed I could hear Ron in my head, clear as day, calling me a "Painted whore".  Then he would give a fake laugh like it wouldn't hurt now.  

It's sad.  He's dead, been dead for years, I have no doubt God has or will FLOG him for what he did to me.  But he's still living in my head.  This is why I have been careful about dating.  I had 2 crushes but one saw me as a vehicle for mango-chili lollipops and the other one sees me as too old.  I can't make him unsee that.  And if I were a young Latino guy his age I would want a young woman, kids, etc.  Not an older abuse survivor.  It doesn't mean I don't care, though.  I want good things for him, him happy, saved and I do pray that for him a couple times a week.  

When I think about dating I usually feel very used.  That Ron used me up and no one else will want me.  

Anyway, picture time.  

(going to fix my hair I have been in bed all day with Biscuit)

Correction, it is "Cherry Picking".  

I like "Raining Rubies" "Cherry picking" gets me the most compliments, "Little Red Rosette" is a nice softer red, and "Disco Rose" is the tamest I have it is more of a rosy pink, more romantic (what I would consider the "sweet" makeup look vs. "spicy" you would find with the other 3).  I also plan to get an orange lipstick for Bible Handouts and Halloween.  

These are all Wet and Wild lipsticks.  The cashier in Cosmetics and I know each other as fellow associates but she doesn't "know" me outside of the usual work gossip, I am widowed with cats, etc.  I handed her the lipstick (about the only thing that wasn't locked up) and she looked at me with approval, said these were the "good" ones, checked out the color, said that would be good on me, etc. I thought it was cute.  

Surprisingly I didn't have any trouble with that.  Then I went and ate my lunch (which made me sick, later) and applied the lipstick before I went back to work.  

I never figured I would have issues with "baggage" regarding makeup.  I figured I would have issues more with ineptitude in selecting it and applying it (I will worry about that).  Issues with it melting off in the heat... I have figured that out OK.  

But I never thought I'd have Ron in my head calling me a "painted whore".  

No Buddy today either

 I was up half the night with wracking abdominal cramps and other things I won't mention.  Not a good time, I called in.  

So I won't see him even if he was driving.  But I suspect he changed his route.  And that's fine, it's easy enough to avoid me.  

I only ride 2 routes, and very rarely a third route.  There are three thousand drivers per a union steward and God knows how many routes, we'll say 10K.  It is very, very, easy to avoid the ones I'm on.  

He has my number if he changes his mind - assuming he kept it.  

I'm going back to bed.  

No Buddy today

 If I had to guess I think he got off the route.  He was very uncomfortable the last time we talked when I asked, point blank, why he kept signing up for my route.  He didn't have an answer.  

I am glad I told him that day how much I appreciated his driving.  He really enjoyed hearing that.  

I have never really been loyal to a shampoo

 But I really like the Garnier whole blends cocoa butter conditioner right after a henna treatment, and the shampoo+conditioner for about a week after.  

I like how it turned out, it is more of a dark auburn.  I think it's due to the fact I used a whole lemon in the paste, and I let it season longer before I applied it.  

When I did the first henna it came out as a very loud orange.  But that's the nice thing about natural products you can tweak it.  

I start work pretty soon.  They have been changing the schedule so I think I will see the boss today. 

I forgot my hair tie I may end up buying one on my lunch.  

That's it for now.  

Meal prep

 I have 9 containers, a bowl I'm going to eat tonight and 8 other containers.  So I did about a pound and a half of hash browns.  I'm doing 2 pounds of sausage.  I will do a dozen eggs.  

I have a very complicated relationship with eggs.  I hope they turn out OK.

I opened up a can of refried beans I found a good brand I like a lot, they are well seasoned and not hot.  I split that 9 ways.  So it will be hash browns, eggs, sausage, beans, and shredded cheese.  I MAY do some bacon as well I'm still on the fence.  

This will be my "big meal" as I call it, for the day.  I'll keep you posted.  

Stove top breakfast

I am making breakfast casserole.  

I have always been a little unusual I think.  As you know I had a lot of food deprivation/insecurity as a baby and toddler that didn't really resolve until I was about 5.  

I don't know if it's due to that but I am just never hungry in the morning, when I get up.  Never.  If I eat a big meal first thing it makes me queasy.  

Most work days I get up around 3.  I am not really hungry until 7 or 8.  The other day at work I was daydreaming and thought how nice it would be to have a breakfast bowl with hash browns, sausage, bacon, eggs, and shredded cheese.  And I thought, "I can make that".  

So I got the components.  I am currently cooking the hash browns right now.  I don't know if it is the brand or just hash browns in general but they are cooking up as browned mashed potatoes.  They look good, though, just not what I see as "hash browns".  But crispy brown potatoes with onions are crispy brown potatoes with onions.  

Once I'm done with the hash browns I will be cooking the sausage and then the eggs in the sausage/grease.  I am portioning as I go I want 8 servings.  

If I'm ambitious I will cook the ground beef for the taco casserole tonight, then it's just assembly work tomorrow night for that after work.  

I have a wonderful cast iron skillet and an old gas stove.  I feel like I can cook anything on that stove top!  

I finally remembered when I was around a computer

 Parts of my life haven't been normal.  I never really dated until I met my husband and he was blind.  He didn't care what I looked like as long as I didn't embarrass him (sloppy/dirty).  

And I was with him nearly 30 years.  Another thing he didn't like me getting attention it made him feel very threatened and then he'd lash out, so I did the little brown mouse in the corner routine for a very long time.  Plain ponytail, no makeup, baggy clothes, etc.  

So now I'm on my own, and I'm making changes.  I actually want to look good for a change which is massive.  I'm doing the upper lip treatment, the whitening toothpaste, dying my hair, wearing it down, wearing lipstick and occasional eyeshadow.  

I have found that I can do eye shadow riding the bus in a Houston summer.  I had my doubts but it's still there at the end of the day.  I wouldn't try that with eyeliner or mascara, though.  Or foundation!  That would sweat off in a MINUTE!  

So I want the right man to notice me.  Not Buddy - my Bible study reminded me the other day I can't be unequally yoked which means every unsaved man is a big fat NO.  Even if he's a seeker.  Sorry, Buddy.  I like him and I like talking to him, I like the attention.  But  that's it.  

Anyway it got me thinking.  Getting a man's attention (and oh I wish I had "pest" control so I could put comments back for this one).  

The way I see it makeup has two angles for a woman.  Maybe 3 if you count the "natural" look.  Sweet (low key, hair back, subdued makeup)) or spicy (hair down, bold lipstick and eyeshadow).  Which one to do?  

Now part of me says I've already pretty much committed to "spicy" with the bright red hair.  But is that the look a guy wants?  Is he more attracted to the sweet low key gal or the spicy bold one?  

Maybe sweet until marriage and then spicy on date night?  

Sweet, or spicy?  

I don't know!  

Sunday noon

 Ron told me a story many years ago about his ex.  He had several exes.  The last one was a head injury survivor (child abuse head injury rendered her blind), an alcoholic.   Ron only wanted damaged women he felt he could control.  

Anyway she left her husband for Ron but still remained on friendly terms with his family.  One weekend she traveled to visit them.  He had 2 brothers.  She called Ron the next day saying she was at the police station she had been sexually assaulted by them.  

He went up to visit her and the police put him in a room by himself for a few hours, checked on him now and then.  They let her in and she told him her version of things.  Ron was outraged.  They took her out.  A couple more hours.  Ron's getting very angry by now.  

The police come in and tell him she recanted.  What?  Yes, they told him, she had a consensual night with all of them and filed a false report.  She had already recanted.  They had gotten it out of her.  She was "very sorry for wasting everyone's time but felt guilty over it".  

The officer got a good look at Ron and said "Now don't do anything..." and he didn't.  Not until they got home.  He made her "tell" him again and again what she did degrading her, beating her up, etc.  He said she "had it coming for being (easy)".  

She left Ron of course, for another guy.  Unfortunately they got hooked on crack and last I heard she was not doing well.  Having survived 29 years of Ron I can imagine what her 8 years must have been like.  

I went to the grocery store.  They didn't have the candy.  I got some ingredients to make taco casserole and breakfast casserole.  I got some treats for the driver, who, I could tell, was having a hard day.  

The way the bus works I generally get the same driver coming and going.  I did, today.  I had her profiled as an orange soda with a nacho chips.  I forgot the nacho though and got plain ruffles.  I also gave her a couple nice bananas, an apple, some peanuts, and a Snickers bar.  I got a cold bottle of water as well.  

What I like to do as well, at the grocery store, is buy a candy bar for the cashier.  99% of the time they want a Snickers.  Today was the 1% he was a large guy and said he was "trying to eat better".  I asked if he would like an apple (I had several) or banana (they had all been rung up), he looked and said "No, what I'd really love is a cold bottle of water" so of course I gave that to him.  

I think it is very important to show God's love to service providers.  

Anyway I got out to the bus stop and she came a minute later.  I gave her "your lunch" and she was thrilled, looked through it, said she was going to show it to all the other drivers who would be so jealous.  I grinned and told her I knew she had a hard job.  I could tell her day was a little brighter and I felt like I had done my job.  

I still feel groggy and hungover, the mosquitoes had a field day with me, but I think I'll be able to do my cooking later.  

I feel hungover from the migraine

 Also the finger I broke last year is throbbing, it never does that.  I need to get to the grocery store today, as early as possible.  I am waiting for some stuff to finish in the dryer.  

I don't leave the washer or dryer running when I'm not home.  

Mom (aka the Fashion Police) doesn't want me bringing tank tops so I think I'm going to buy some tops from Walmart dot com and have them shipped to her.  I really don't have room in my bag right now.  Once I gift Dad his stuff I will have plenty of room but not now.  

Ugh I feel so groggy.  

Birthday list

I don't know if it's just me but Mom always wants a list for holidays.  I have eclectic tastes so I can see why.  This birthday list has a light smattering of makeup, some jojoba oil (small enough to fly), rosewater (same), various exotic spices, a few cat things, and a power bank for charging cell phones.  

I went to bed for a while, woke up and having a look at my packing.  I have a few small gifts.  A dress and some flats.  Underwear, shorts (one pair), a couple pair socks.  That's most of the main body of the backpack.  I have headache pills and a couple lipsticks in an outer pocket, a hairbrush.  I am very picky about my hairbrush I need the kind with the very stiff plastic bristles.  I can't always find them, either.  

I don't need to worry about soap and shampoo.  We can go to Walmart for the hair stuff.  I am going to wear jeans and a graphic t shirt with cats.  I think I can wedge a couple Texas themed graphic t-s in there.  

I have some cute tank tops but I will run that by Mom first.  They are in their 80's and may not want to see me in a tank top which I totally get.  But I think that will work.  I'm pretty sure I can wedge the laptop in there too.  

But they're not far from a Walmart so I don't need to worry about it.  It's like when Ron and I went to Galveston, Galveston has a Walmart so you don't need to worry about 90% of it.  

I'll also bring some drink mix packets and an empty Gatorade bottle.  I have a straight flight out from Houston so I'm not worried about layovers, and Dad loves to schedule short layovers.  So I have a short layover on the way home.  

But I'm happy it looks like I can just take the backpack which will be a lot easier.  

That's it for now!  

Oh, the pop tarts

 My headache kept escalating but I had to do the henna today.  So I began the application process.  I had a quick morph to a full blown migraine and happily had just enough time to run for my trusty bucket.  You haven't lived until you've had your hair saturated with henna, hair clips stuck in at random angles, wrapped in plastic, heaving iced tea and secondhand pop tarts into a bucket.  

I thought the hair clips were a great idea but they got stuck and I couldn't pull them out.  My head was raging and I'm about to lose my breakfast.  I thought I have "two choices here, I can yank the clips out and pull out a lot of hair, or leave the clip in and coax it out in the shower later".  I went with the second option which resulted in two clips left in my hair.  But they were aluminum so it didn't matter.  

NOT doing the clips again.  It works better just to section it off with my hands.  I am getting better at the process.  I think it's kind of like putting in rollers even though I never did that.  

So I laid down for the better part of the four hours.  I'd put my pillow in a trash bag, some towels on top.  

Which leads me to the other part of my day.  I am pretty set in some ways.  I am a whore when it comes to hair care products and soap, I'll use anything.  But certain routines - like my hair brush, my wash routine, are fixed.  

So when I use my washer I "always" have it set at heavy soil, heavy duty, Today I had a couple of graphic t shirts, turned inside out, and I thought I'm going to set it for medium soil and the normal cycle.  I didn't know a washer could scream, until today.  It kept screaming and banging horribly I was in tears.  My head's killing me, I just puked, and this.  

So I unplugged the washer and said "I will deal with this later, when I get the henna out and I can put on my glasses".  I got up and rinsed out the henna (always a long and very messy process), washed up, conditioned my hair with the Whole Blends Cocoa Butter conditioner (I like that after a henna treatment)).  My head still hurts but I don't want to sob or vomit anymore.  So that's a good state.  

And I set it back to the regular settings, and plugged it in.  It started right up and is only making the customary noises.  Thank God.  

I was lying in bed thinking I leave town soon and I doubt Sears can schedule a repair before then, and I can't take time off work for that before I go.  I would just have to wash things in my bucket.  Then pay $$ for a repair.  But it seems OK now praise God.  

I was also thinking it is 8 years old, and had a lot of work when Ron was alive.  I do about 6 loads a month now but I was doing laundry almost every day at the end.  It's been a  great washer I would get another one from Sears.  I got a Sears washer in 2001 it lasted until 2016 when I got another one.  I tend to go with "good" brands even though everyone tells me they change.  

GE is another good one: GE water heater we got in 2006.  GE fridge was here when I bought the house in 2004.  GE microwave is very old (we brought it so at least 20 years old if not older), GE stove works like a champ.  I am a big fan of both Kenmore and GE appliances as a result.  

I'm a very loyal person - if you earn it.  They have.  I am pretty happy with my Acer Chromebook too.  Motorola cell phone.  I had troubles with the Samsung phone I remember that.  

So the day had an absolutely hideous, vomiting, screaming appliance start but seems OK now.  

That's it for now.  

I'm glad I got the pop tarts

 Fun fact: in the 90's I did a lot of market research.  Shower cleaner, pizza, etc.  One time they called me up for Pop Tarts.  I went for a couple of hours a day 3 days in a row and ate a total of 20 pop tarts.  I think they paid me $60.  I sat in a little cubicle and they would slide the pop tart through a little door, I would try it and eat as much as I liked, they would open the door about 10 minutes later and take back whatever I didn't eat.  I also had to fill out a form on each pastry.  They had a really banging cherry one with frosting, that one I ate the whole thing.  I believe they sell it now.  

Anyway after that I was done with pop tarts for a while.  But I got a variety box at my grocery store (generic brand) last year or so and I like to have them around.  For instance, after the hurricane.  

Anyway I woke up with my usual vicious headache and the Excedrin was only doing so much.  So I ate a brown sugar pop tart.  And that did an amazing job.  

I got my shower - modified.  I washed my hair with the clarifying shampoo, feet, pits, privates.  I will wash everything else later when I wash out the henna.  I had some nice time with Spotty he is the clingiest of my cats.  

I need to talk to my cat sitter about that.  He already likes her so he will probably get in her lap for lovies if she sits in "his" chair.  

I'm not worried about Biscuit and Cleo, they sleep together most of the time.  

I am going to do most of my packing today too.  I like to get that early; one year Ron and I lived in CA we had planned to go to Texas for a couple of weeks.  I packed early, he said he would pack the night before we left.  

He was having an affair with one of his coworkers.  She was a very disturbed woman who was always getting in other people's business.  

At any rate he went out to lunch with the *other* woman he was having an affair with and got food poisoning.  He got really sick at work.  

I had phenergan suppositories for migraine and he asked me to bring them to him at work.  So I got them and went to meet him.  When I went in the building his little toy met me at the door and read me the riot act and said Ron needed a doctor and she had called a doctor, and it was a crime to give someone medication that wasn't prescribed.  

I lost my temper and told her to tell Ron that.  She did and he read HER the riot act for getting in his business, took a suppository from me, and staggered off to the bathroom.  About an hour later he was OK to travel so we went home and he slept.  His little friend called and he read her the riot act again for getting in his business, she hung up crying.  

So he didn't pack.  I had to do it.  He used up all the suppositories the next couple days including on the airplane.  

When we got to the hotel Ron was very upset I had forgotten this, he didn't need that, etc.  I said it was his own damned fault for getting sick and failing to pack early.  

So I always pack early.  I don't plan to bring much.  I have a few gifts for Dad.  Also my friend in Apparel who does the markdowns told me the Texas tourism ones "Proud Texan" that kind of thing, were on clearance for $3 so I picked up 2 for me.  

I plan to wear black (boot or straight cut, haven't decided) jeans with my "Rapper cats" graphic t shirt it has 

housecats wearing gold chains and dressed like thugs, it's very funny.  That and sneakers go on the plane.  I plan to bring my modest denim shorts and maybe some leggings (do I have the room?), the 2 Texas shirts, a plain black t shirt.  A dress and flats.  Underwear and socks.  That should do it.  

I'm going to lie down again for a little bit.  

That's it for now.  

Very early Saturday

 Another one of my team leads is picking up the bullying/personal attack thing.  I am very glad I mentioned this during the anonymous employee survey.  I understand *this* team lead has a lot of personal issues but, as a Target supervisor told me once a good 30 years ago "You don't bring it to work".  

And I practice that; 2 days after Ron died I was stocking vending machines and did not say anything until asked, point blank, how he was doing.  I continued to work as I talked about it.  It is sad, though, everyone used to like her.  I don't know if it's just me or she's doing it to others.  No one has said anything to me and I won't mention it.  

That, I think, is the unspoken issue with being meek.  People tend to think I'm weak.  Generally I won't "stand up for myself" I will walk away because I don't want to get in a verbal altercation especially with a supervisor.  But that doesn't make it OK to dump on me.  

It's really ironic I doubt any of the people who treat me badly would do so if they knew I was bipolar!  

She was angry because I did not take my lunch until 7.  There was no one to give me a lunch, including her and the other team lead.  If there is no one to cover I can't go.  

Sometimes I think if I date the man's going to have issues; me riding the bus (safety), me doing Bible Handouts (safety!), and me working at the store (verbal abuse).  

I slept OK for me.  I didn't see the cats much last night but they are home today.  I got the henna started at 6.  This is how I did the Henna today: 

1, five ounce packet, henna powder

1 cup warm water

3/4 cup apple cider vinegar 

Juice of one lemon

4 drops lavender essential oil (to help with the henna smell, and I also read it helps develop the color)

I added a little more water to moisten as I was stirring it but that's just personal and I won't put that in the recipe.  I will let it develop, covered, in a warm place for 4-5 hours and then apply to clean, dry, hair.  I will wash it with clarifying shampoo only, no conditioner or styling/leave in products.  Once it's applied I cover it with plastic wrap and a shower cap, let process for 4 hours, wash out with water and plain conditioner.  I will not shampoo it for 48 hours or until Monday morning.  

It has a very strong grassy odor until I shampoo it so I'm going to try the lavender oil.  I also have a moderate headache and lavender is supposed to be good with pain issues.  

I'll keep you posted!  I got some clips and things at work so it should be an easier application today.  

It's been a pretty hectic day

 One notable thing the grocery managers seemed very stressed today.  I don't think that violates my NDA.  One of my team leads has major ongoing problems in her personal life I feel bad for her 

And the main boss really endeared herself to me when she stole a customer's shopping cart.  I thought it was hysterical.  

Someone may come along and read over my shoulder so that's it for now!  

A difficult ride to work

 Homeless woman at the transit center surrounded by bags of recycling trash - not aluminum just random wrappers and tin cans.  Homeless man with a large and heavy hand cart.  2 obese women with walkers.  One obese woman in a very short dress that showed her goods.  She kept trying to yank the hem down.  Did she not look at home?  Another obese woman hit me in the head with her purse.  A middle eastern man spilled his drink on me.  You get the idea.

I had a pretty bad headache.  When I got off the bus I kept thinking about McDonald's so I got a $4 value meal.  That actually fixed the headache.  

I start in 10 minutes.  It will be interesting.

Thoughts...

 Headache is better; sometimes it just needs a hot shower.  

I still have a little time before I have to go to work.  

Still on my cycle but not much last night, hope that holds for today.  I am not wearing those period underwear I will be digging like I have crabs or something.  I understand it needs a "closed circuit" to keep the blood contained but it's a bit much for me.  

I will just wear a plain thin (super) pad with the cup today.  

I was really pleased with myself last night.  I wanted a snack when I got home and I had cooked pork chops in the freezer.  They were the very thin cut ones.  I got a couple.  After I heated it up I thought "I bet Cleo would like this piece".  It was a nice little section without a lot of seasoning on it.  I broke it up and put it in her bowl, she came over and DEVOURED it.  I'm glad she's a fan of my cooking!  She gave me a very sweet meow afterwards.  

Here's my take: I found her she was an alley cat with a short life expectancy.  Stray unaltered cats only live a year or two.  So life expectancy about 2 years.  I adopted her, got her fixed.  She is fat so that has her life expectancy down some from the 20 years a house cat can get.  And I feed her pork and beef on occasion which are not ideal for cats.  But even if she only lives 10 years it's 8 years more than she would have had on the street and her quality of life is much, much, better.  I'm OK with that.  

Biscuit only wants milk and mild cheddar cheese.  Spotty won't touch anything but cat food.  

That's it for now!  

Very early Friday

Well my laptop ate the first post.  

Suffice to say my headache was not helped yesterday by the very smelly man who sat next to me on the bus yesterday.  He was not "unhoused" as he had clean clothes, clean hands, neatly trimmed and clean hair and beard.  He also got on at an apartment complex with a little boy who was clean.  

Work was OK I think the boss was happy when I left.  She would have called me if she wasn't.  

I got everything I needed to do my hair tomorrow.  

Yesterday, I wore some period underwear (bought on clearance a year or two back).  I didn't "need" it (cup did not leak with the flow level I had) but it made me rashy.  I need air circulation.  So I will do something else today.  

I woke up with a headache today which is frustrating.  

I arranged my cat sitter and also Ace to take me to the airport.  Both were very nice about helping.  

I only work 6 hours tonight.  Yesterday the grocery guys had me doing the baking aisle which is fine.  I did get a nice dusting of flour on my vest which I found funny.  

That's it for now.  

About a tablespoon

 What I found in the cup tonight.  Pretty respectable considering it was my first cycle in eight and a half months.  

No headache now and the breast tenderness is almost gone.  That's been my big clue the last year or so that I can expect a cycle: breast tenderness.  That was an issue when I was much younger.  Ron used to think it was "funny" to grab and squeeze if I complained they were sore.  

The longer I go the more I realize my whole relationship with him was one red flag after another.  

I don't care if a man reads this if I'm going to put someone off I would rather it happen early on before I am deeply invested.  

Work was fine and I even found some laundry detergent on sale.  I took my pills on my lunch that worked fine.  

So tomorrow 6 hours and then I'm off for the weekend.  I plan to do my hair Saturday.  

I get to sleep in tomorrow Praise God.  That's it for now.  

Headache is finally gone

 The other day I told the grocery manager I couldn't zone the nuts aisle anymore but was happy to do any other.  I explained it was bothering my allergies.

So today he put me on the bakery aisle which did need some TLC. Lots of flour, sugar, oils.  I had it looking good but did get some flour on my vest.  I don't mind getting dirty it is an honest living.  

I have had many, many customers asking me for help today and I was able to help nearly all of them.  Google translate is a good tool in my belt!  I know a little Spanish but not enough for some conversations.  

The day has gone pretty well the cup is doing the job.  It will be interesting to see what I find when I get home.  

I brought my pills today so I'm going to take them when I eat my cup of noodles in a minute.  I like my food on the cold side.  

That's it for now!  

This headache won't quit

 But 37 years of experience says it should fade off in a few hours.

I have the cup in, no leaks so it's not too heavy yet.  But Day 2 is when it gets lively.  

I arranged a ride home and also set it up with the cat sitter.  I got the best for my guys and am very happy about that.  

Waiting to start work.  

That's it for now.  

241 days

 I started a period today.  Hopefully this will help with the vicious headaches I've been getting; and of course I'm really glad this will be done before I have to travel across the country in a week.  

The green chili stew has been tremendously popular.  I have never gotten so many compliments on something I cooked, and my friend from work wanted the recipe.  It's not hard to make that's the nice thing.  Probably the hardest part is roasting and dicing the pepper.  

I already put up the recipe.  

I have a pretty serious headache and some nausea today so not sure what I'll do for my lunch today.  It's a long day but I start later which is nice.  

Ugh.  I feel like crap.  I don't know what to expect my cycle has done 2 things of late; torrential downpour and meager trickle.  Which one is it today?  

I will put in my cup after my shower and take it from there today.  

Very early Wednesday

 I mentioned I was making green chili stew and one of my team leads wanted some.  Yesterday I brought her a bowl and left it in the fridge with her name on it.  She texted me at 1 am raving about it. I brought some for my first driver today she was interested.  I like cooking for people, I explained, but I don't want to do it for a living.  

I have a pretty bad headache today.  I think part of it I have been worried about a family member with health issues and the rest is likely the weather.  

But today shouldn't be too bad.  

I did not see Buddy either day.  Either he had already planned some time off, God forbid he got fired, or he got off the route somehow.  If it's the last it was probably my question.  

I asked him why he kept coming back when all the other drivers ran after one time.  He didn't have an answer.  

Before work

 I figured out something; my antidepressant causes some gallbladder colic.  I get pressure and cramping for a few hours after I take it.

Is it better than the depression?  You bet!  I am fine with that.  I am also very limited in what I can take due to my SSRI allergy.  

It was a little breezy coming in to work and some clouds are moving in.  But so far the models have the storm headed to my east.  I am going to text Ace later and see if he's available later, without committing to a ride just yet.  It will be useful to know if I can call.  

23 years ago I got stuck at work during a severe weather event.  I had to walk out about a dozen miles not my idea of a good time.  I'd do quite a bit to avoid a repeat.  

That's it for now.  

Very early Tuesday morning

 I didn't see Buddy yesterday, it was a substitute who was so late the next bus was right behind him.  I let the first one go and got on the second bus, which had about 3 people.  I decided I had better get my hurricane snacks now so I went by my favorite grocery on the way home.  It got me home about an hour later total but it was worth it.  

I got a few basic things, generic brand pop tarts, cup of noodles, etc.  The store was insane.  Everyone had gotten some sort of hurricane alert, I think.  The lines were halfway to the back of the store and every register was open.  I did get what I wanted but I had a problem with my bottle of cleaner leaking on a bag of chips.  That's the problem, I guess, with the 80 cent bottles of spray cleaner.  

I didn't have my cart of course so it was not fun lugging it home from the bus stop.  I was Not Pleased when I got home and saw #6's 3 older kids who had clearly been throwing a ball against the side of my house again.  I thought they were too old for that crap.  The oldest is about 24-25, then a 22 ish year old girl and a 16 year old boy.  Definitely old enough to know better as I know for a fact Ron had a Spanish Speaking officer go over there about 15 years ago and explain they could not throw the ball against the side of my house anymore.  I was talking to my parents on speaker so I didn't say anything until I got in the house and had the door shut behind me.  

For now the storm track has it well away from Houston but that can change quickly.  I will be watching today.  

On the one hand I would like to take the bus home, see Buddy, say hi.  On the other hand who's to say he's even driving today?  I need to call Ace anyway and talk about an airport trip coming up.  I may book a ride home from work; we'll see.  

The cats are good.  

That's it for now!  

Monday lunch

 I had a bad headache most of last night and I slept poorly.  But Biscuit was right there with me, soft, warm, and cuddly.  He's such a sweet boy.  

It was notably cooler today which is a nice change.  The headache has persisted most of the day.  I seem to be ok now but I'm tired.  

The boss came in for some reason that was not fun.  But hopefully they will have me zone grocery today.  

Hoping I see Buddy on the way home.  That's always a good day even if we can't talk.  

That's it for now.  

A formal recipe if you want it

 Well I got the chili roasted and diced up, the potato (about half a medium sized one) and a couple handfuls of frozen chopped onions.  I got out the "older" tetra pak chicken broth.  I have browned the pork.  They are definitely leftovers from making pork chops some very odd shapes.  I figure the small amounts of bone will add some good flavor (I put a little apple cider vinegar in the chicken stock to help).  I have the spices out, a clove of garlic peeled and thrown in the crock pot.  

Once that's done I just need to clean out the rice pot.  I don't think I'm going to make the rice tonight.  The roasted green chili and the leftover broth can hang out in the fridge and the rice can cook while I'm in the shower tomorrow.  

Recipe: 

12 ounces chicken stock + one splash apple cider vinegar if you are using pork chops with bones.  

1.5 pounds bone in pork chops (not a lot of bone maybe 10-25%)

1 t cumin 

.5 teaspoon each oregano and salt

1 roasted and diced poblano pepper 

Half medium russet potato, chopped, or enough to cover the bottom of the crock pot

One garlic clove, intact, peeled 

1/2 to 3/4 cup chopped onion (I use the frozen kind and a couple handfuls)

I used a small crock pot and a liner.  

I placed the onions and potatoes in the bottom along with the garlic clove, browned the pork chops with a little olive oil and black pepper, let them cool, added to the crock pot.  I put the pepper on top, added the seasoning, and poured the broth/vinegar mix over the top.  I will let it cook overnight on low.  

I will make the rice tomorrow.  I plan to use 1 cup white rice, 1/2 teaspoon cumin, 1/4 t oregano, probably a half teaspoon salt.  

When I give it away I will offer it with tortillas or rice (I will have the rice in a bag separate).  

Since I had a 3 pound tray of pork chop ends (would buy again especially at $1.49 a pound) I had extra pork chops which I am cooking in the skillet.  

And, cooking it, I realized I really want a nice pork gravy on these chops.  So tomorrow I'll get some cornstarch and bone up on making pan gravies.  That would be divine.  

I'm going to make my green chili stew

 I have found I like to look at several recipes for something online and get a general idea for proportions, for instance 1 chopped onion for every pound meat.  That sort of thing.  I have found it helpful in the past.  

Going off a single recipe has, in the past, led to unpleasant results.  And, much like my taste in music, I don't lean on any one author.  

So I recalled 2x cumin to 1 part oregano.  That seems valid.  I also got some poblano chilis because I recall I like them in my cooking.  I'm going to roast a chili (they're pretty big).  

My store doesn't sell individual poblanos.  They sell the smaller chilis I think serranos individually but the poblano came in one pound units, mine has 3 huge chilies.  I will roast two I think tonight, make rice with a little chicken broth and some diced chili (I am not a fan of plain rice unless I am sick).  One chili will go in the crock pot along with some cubed potatoes, chopped onion, chicken broth, oregano, chili, and a tad of salt.  

Interestingly enough while I am required to eat a lot of salt (literally doctor's orders), when I cook I don't salt my food very much, especially if I plan to share it.  One of my team leads is interested in some Green Chili stew.  Since I will be using chicken stock (salted) I think I'll just do 1/2 t regular table salt on top of that.  

I love to cook for people, something I think Buddy finds baffling.  He asked me to stop bringing him food but is fine with getting candy.  Maybe he is just being polite and hates my cooking, or, as he said, he "feels guilty because (I am) too nice"  At any rate he's not getting any.  

So here's the plan: 

I have pork chop ends.  I plan to make some seasoned flour if I can find the flour.  I don't use flour very often.  If I don't have flour I will brown them anyway in the skillet with a little salt, pepper.  Then the frozen chopped onions and likely an intact garlic clove go in the crock pot, along with the cubed potatoes.  Put the meat on top, pour over a cup or so of chicken stock, add the seasonings.  I am thinking 1/2 t salt, 1/2 t oregano, 1 t cumin.  Let that cook overnight.  

I also plan to make some rice with the chicken stock, a little salt, and maybe 1/4 t oregano, 1/2 cumin, and some diced roasted green chili because I do prefer seasoned rice.  

I will have leftover pork chops which I guess I will cook in the skillet tonight.  I have to cook them tonight or freeze raw and I don't want frozen raw meat in my freezer; it's much easier to have everything cooked.  I do love a good pork chop so that's not a problem.  

And I made sure I had plenty of frozen chopped onion the times I went to the grocery store; I've got lots (considering my freezer size).  Certainly enough to do tonight's cooking.  

That's it for now.  

It seems kind of pointless

 I'm having a bad PMS with migraines, bloating, stomach troubles.  It has been about 9 months since my last cycle.  

So I'm not fertile enough I could make babies but fertile enough I can be miserable for a week.  And I haven't even started the cycle.  God knows what is coming.  Another 4x normal one like I had last year?  A nothing like I had last time with a little spotting for a day or so?  I'll find out, soon I hope.  

I have forgotten how awful this is.  

On another note I thought it might be fun to show the results of 2 henna treatments on my hair.  

Before: 

After: 

My hair really likes henna, and if the 10,000 positive comments I've gotten the last month (not one negative) are any indicator everyone around me likes it too.  

I'm sure the pest had an opinion but she can (censored) off, the meddling (censored).  

Last night Cleo got a treat

 I ate some of my quesadilla, the one with the beef fajita strips and nice bits of bacon.  Some of the meat fell out on my plate and I saved it for her.  She was out, but she woke me up in the middle of the night purring and licking my hand.  

I love her so much, but she's a gutter rat and loves meat scraps.  The boy cats are "too good" for that kind of treat.  

I have a headache this morning, trying to beat it because I need to do some cooking.  

That's it for now.  

Black cats and calicos

 I have some wonderful cats.  They are cuddly but not clingy.  The Iams is wonderful for them their fur is very soft and plush like a stuffed toy.  Biscuit had very coarse fur for years after I adopted him until I put him on the Iams Urinary.  

I decided to take a little nap and laid down in bed, made sad noises.  I do that when I want a cat but I only call them if I have a treat.  The noises let them know I would like a cuddle but no requirement.  Cleo came running, laid down with me, and began licking my hand.  

And I got to think how God has sent me so many calicos in my life.  

I had a gray and white tuxedo cat.  He was very disturbed and would constantly molest my foot every night.  He was fixed but he didn't act it!  He was the first cat I ever had with FLUTD.  

When we got to Texas, the neighbor's cat, Whiskers, used to come by to visit now and then.  He was a nice brown tabby boy.  I picked up Shadow and Midi at my second apartment in Houston.  

I've had 3 black cats, one was a sweet little boy named Buddy with a heart condition.  It wasn't cheap getting him fixed as they had to take extra precautions but he made it and eventually went to a wonderful rescue.  Midi was a sweet boy at first but became aggressive and I had to give him up.  Bubba was the neighbor's cat (likely Midi's son) and I made friends with him.  He was just an awesome cat and he would always come over when I went by on my run, I would stop and pet him, he would purr and go back home.  

But his owner moved and left him to starve, the landlord asked her about him and she said she didn't care.  I had a vacancy so I took him.  Ron took a little convincing.  

Shadow was a solid gray and didn't live very long, she died a few months after Ron's accident from breast cancer.  We had no money and couldn't afford any treatment.  

Ron kept asking where she was, he was still pretty out of it, and I kept telling him "She went out".  He figured it out eventually. 

And I've had a total of 5 calicos.  One in CA, one I found literally in the trash licking the grease out of a chicken nugget carton, Torbie (technically Torbie was a Torbico), Mama Cat, and Cleo, who I think has the prettiest markings of all of them.  Her colors are very bright and she has pretty tabby swirls on her side.  

Cleo:

Unfortunately the majority of my adult life has been high drama and Mama Cat wasn't having that, moved in with a neighbor.  That was her choice, I'm just glad I got her fixed.  All they have to do is feed her, now.  

But I do find it funny, God keeps sending me black cats and calicos.  

I really hate that movie and wish they hadn't remade it

 Almost 40 years ago the boy I was seeing (not really a boyfriend he wanted us to be a couple I was happy being friends) took me to a movie.  In it, a couple dies and comes back, haunting the home they owned.  You may recognize the plot.  

At any rate after the movie John (his real name) kept talking about "How great it would be if we died" we would have "All these powers" etc, and scared the CRAP out of me.  I thought he was going to pull a murder suicide.  I cut things off REAL quick.  

Now the stupid movie's been remade and everytime I see the merchandise and advertising I remember the look in his eyes as he said how much better off we'd be if we were dead.  

I may have issues but I'm not stupid and I stand by my decision to run.  

My aunt and uncle came

 We had a fun visit.  We went out to breakfast and on a little hunt for candy.   She got some nice pictures of my hair.  

I will not put up the picture of us due to pest issues.  🪳 

We had a fun time for a few hours and they left.  I was working on a headache so I laid down with Biscuit.  I tell you, he has a massive reward in Heaven. He is just an awesome cat.

When I woke up the headache was gone but now I have the squirts.  Not sure about that but guessing medication related.  

I got some really fun stuff to hand out.  Also my favorite grocery cashier swears "my" candy is coming back.  

So a good day in spite of being sick.  

Very early Saturday

 I am glad the pest tipped her hand about knowing the names of some family members.  

Some things I can't talk about as a result.  

I can say my aunt is on my notification list for my checking and savings accounts.  Dad asked to be put on the notification list for savings.  I did that but they also put him on checking which is not acceptable.  They also inadvertently took me off the checking account notification.  So I was sitting in front of my computer at 4 am looking at the savings balance going wtf?  

I went to the bank twice to ask them to fix it and they seemingly cannot.  This is a big issue.  They keep asking me to download the mobile app.  I don't want to do that as there is a VERY high probability my phone will be stolen at some point.  

I will need to figure that out.  

My aunt is in town this weekend and going to spend the morning with me.  That should be fun.  

I need to take my shower.  

Made it to work

 I am wearing black jeans with a lavender top.  Not something I might do normally but I like it and I love my hair with a lavender top.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 My sister once bragged about having "the best therapist in (town)".  One thing this woman apparently told her it was "easy" to get over PTSD "if you didn't have another event in a year".  

That has never happened in my life, it's a cascading series of sh*t hit the fan events one after the other.  So I guess I am perpetually stressed out with PTS whatever.  

I did not sleep well and I didn't expect to.  

It was bad enough all the cats slept with me and Cleo woke me up standing on my chest, purring at me, and licking my nose with great determination.  She was very cute; she does things on her own terms but I respect that.  I am glad I don't use any creams or lotions.  

I work tonight and it shouldn't be too bad.  Then 2 days off, I plan to do some cooking.  

I told my parents what happened they were pretty speechless.  Not much they can say I guess.  

That's it for now.  

I witnessed an assault

 I was about 4 feet away.  It was pretty awful even after the police came 

And it's true what they say, when seconds count for he police are minutes away.  

Well I put it on Facebook

 I follow all things Metro Houston bus online so this came up tonight.  

The bus, on Veterans, presumably a 96, hit a "large" acetylene gas tank in the road.  Everyone got out OK.  

I hope the driver still has a job.  

Not sure about this

 But I was thinking just now about changes I have made due to the pest.  

1.  While she knows my name and address, and that I work at Walmart, I haven't revealed my store, the bus routes I take to get there, or my job title.  

2.  When they take photos and do Tik Toks at the store I step out.  It hasn't come up but I will be happy to explain if it comes up.  And they don't need my image out there for me to do my job.  

3.  When things come up at or around the store I don't mention them.  "A long day at work" covers quite a bit of territory.  

4.  I don't talk about the times I take the bus.  

5.  I have been giving my Facebook a long hard look ever since she let slip she is on that.  Thank you, Crystal and Debbie for outing me on that.  [/sarcasm].  I may do a big purge I need to think about it first.  I am unclear if I can get rid of followers if I knew how to do that it would be the start.  200 people I don't know following me?  One of them for sure, if not more than one account, the pest or some other undesirable.  

That's it for now.  

An observation

 For all intents and purposes I think my fertility window has passed.  

I haven't had a cycle since January, for instance.  So a man looking for kids is going to need to keep looking.  

But I noticed recently I am having some symptoms I am about to have a cycle.  I kind of feel like, what's the point?  But if my body wants to throw a cycle who am I to stop it?  

I was active in the Facebook Menopause group for a while but it was pretty heavy in the men bashing.  How so many of them found lovemaking "disgusting" now, etc.  It wasn't for me so I left.  

But one thing I did glean don't throw out those feminine supplies you never know when your body is going to throw you a curve ball.  I did get rid of 90% of what I keep under the bathroom sink, though.  I didn't toss it, I put it in the bedroom closet.  

Video Blog

 

Wednesday morning

 I was talking to Buddy yesterday and lamenting the lack of candy.  I told him, all they have is the spicy kind now.  He said he likes the spicy.  

I'm going to tease him.  I bought the extra spicy kind and when I give it to him I'm going to ask if he's man enough to eat it.  He'll get a good laugh out of that.  

I wouldn't do that with just anyone.  Beau ran like hell from the spicy candy.  He liked a little spice but not the ones in the red package.  Which, I believe, are appropriately marked!  

I also got some chicken thighs, I am thinking to make some chicken paprika.  I couldn't find the thin cut tray of pork chops but they had a tray of pork chop ends, some with bones.  That looks like it would be good for green chili stew, some of it.  They were only $1.50 a pound.  

I also decided I need to overcome my fear of eggs.  I got very, very, sick back in 2004 the day we bought the house (no less!) with Salmonella food poisoning I contracted at a popular "breakfast" restaurant chain.  I had scrambled eggs, Ron did not.  It was the only thing we ate different all week and I got sick, sick, sick.  It was terrible.  

I don't know how Ron kept us both alive.  I didn't want to go to the hospital even though I should have, because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control my bowels in the ambulance and did not want to be "that" patient.  Even the weeklong migraine the last time I ate chocolate can't compare.  

We had to put off moving for 2 weeks.  Good thing we gave them last months's rent!  

Going back to Buddy for a sec the remarkable thing about him I feel safe with him, which considering, (the steady, horrific, diet of cheating, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse I endured for almost 3 decades), is remarkable.  

So after that I didn't want eggs anymore.  Not one bit.  

But I keep reading Choline (a nutrient) is very good for people with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and the supplements are expensive.  I am more of a eat the real food person anyway, and eggs are high in choline.  And, yesterday at work, I was thinking it would be delicious to make some breakfast bowls with bacon, sausage, hash browns, eggs, and cheese.  I will probably try that Friday morning or this weekend.  

That's it for now!  

Yesterday

 I always get to work early.  My boss found me in the break room and said "Oh, good, you're here.  I've got plans for you when you clock in."  Oh, crap, I thought.  

And she did.  She had this, she had that.  I did it all.  

But I thought it was funny she came looking.  

A little bit of a headache from the pupusas, I think

 Not too bad just persistent.  

The cats are good.  Not a high chance of rain today happily, I need to get some groceries.  It shouldn't be too bad, early, on a weekday.  

Maybe they will have my candy.  I was agonizing yesterday to Buddy about my lack of candy.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday night

 I was OK with the crab but I didn't go anywhere near that sink.  

I saw Buddy again.  I basically asked him why he came back to the route "As everyone else runs like hell the minute they get a chance" and he used third person pronouns "You might because..." and gave a couple "reasons".  He wasn't very convincing.  

I have no idea what to ascribe to that.  

I'm just relating.  I do find it remarkable, even when we don't talk, I feel better just being around him with him focused (mostly) on the road.  I don't know how he feels.  I do love it when he smiles at me he has, and I've said this, a lovely smile.  So I'm just enjoying spending time with him for now.  I have to, anyway, to get home.  

So that was a high point.  I didn't sleep well last night and today was just long.  But I made it.  

I am eating pupusas.  They are very good; I didn't use enough oil in the skillet on the first one but it's still good.  

All my other drivers, by the way, were new to me.  

That's it for now!  

I am not sure how cautious I need to be

 I have a crab allergy.  A pretty bad one.  I break out in terrible hives.  

Some people were eating crab in the break room at the next table.  When they finished they got up and used the sink in the break room.  I had planned to use that sink - later - to fill up my water bottle on the way out.  

But you know that just doesn't seem like a good idea.  

Do I need to be that careful?  I don't know.  I do know I'll flog myself if I get the water and have an allergic reaction.  

No matter what his view of me I don't want Buddy seeing me as a victim and I will likely see him today.  

So I will buy a drink on my way out.  Problem solved.

Oh I thought this was funny; I put Dad on my account to get emails on the savings account.  But they signed me up for savings only and Dad for checking and savings.  

Good thing I didn't buy anything naughty!  

That's it for now!  

It doesn't enhance my faith in the government

 So Ron's been dead just about three and a half years.  The funeral home notified Social security and the bank found out too. Business Enterprises had Ron off the books in a day or so.  He was off the voter rolls in about a month.  

So why did I get mail from the district court for him wanting him to fill out a juror survey?  Don't they know he's dead?  It doesn't build faith.  

New drivers today.  The one driver is coming back and the second is here until January.  He had a very smooth driving style that kept putting me to sleep.  I should see Buddy today if he really did come back.  

That's it for now.  

I went to bed early last night

 That was great.  I had Biscuit and Cleo in bed with me.  They won't "let" Spotty in for some reason.  

When I got up I was trying to figure out my budget.  It took me a while to figure out I was looking at the savings account email and not the checking.  Apparently they took my checking account email off when they started sending the savings account to my Dad.  I will have to fix that today.  

I woke up with a headache so I took something, now I am headache free but vaguely nauseous.  I think I will buy a couple bananas at work.  

I think a portion of the staff at work feel like it's their job to show up for work, clock in and be present but not actually work.  That their job is "showing up" not actually working.  I am sure it drives the boss nuts.  I do not do that.  I may talk when I'm working but I am working.  

The boss is supposed to work 7-4 today but she also worked on her day off yesterday so we will see if she comes today.  I had a transportation issue yesterday.  

I wish I could say more but pest issues prohibit that.  I'm not having her track me to my store.  Anyway I hope the issue is fixed today.  I'm guessing it will be.  

I am off tomorrow so that will be good.  And if things work out I see Buddy.  

He's made it clear I'm too old which is fine.  I don't want a guy significantly older than me so I'd be the worst hypocrite if I objected.  But I do like spending time with him.  

And I find it interesting out of all the thousands of drivers and thousands of routes he keeps signing up for the one he knows will find me on it.  I have no idea what that means if it even means anything.  

That's it for now!  

A lot about work politics and CYA

 When I got hired there were 2 "old timers".  A had been there forever; I had a bad experience with her as a customer she was very rude and Ron almost got hurt.  J had been there a while as well, she was very bossy, not instructive at all.  

Basically Walmart, and my coworkers, threw me in the deep end and I had to figure everything out for myself.  J has a reputation for doing a certain job.  I figured out how to do it better.  She is feeling very threatened as a result.  A got fired for being lazy and J is not far behind.  

J is probably best known for cussing me out, shouting at me, treating me badly.  I either avoid her or walk away.  I don't argue with her.  I just go in and do my job.  

One night she took credit for quite a bit of work I had done.  The next day the boss showed me the work and said I had to step it up and be a good worker like J.  I didn't argue because I didn't have proof, but every day I take multiple pictures of what I've done so J can't take credit again.  If it comes up I have lots and lots of pictures.  I also send a picture to Chief Snitch every night and I know those go right to the boss as well.  

So I navigated all that today.  Also, the boss came in (on her day off) to help out.  I don't know if she'll take another day instead or what.  

I had problems getting home but I made it.  I took my medication at lunch and that worked out pretty well.  

That's it for now.  

It's going to be weird going home

 On a Monday and no Buddy.  The bus is on a holiday schedule.  

I am pretty tired.  

I made it to work

 I shouldn't have made the connection to the second bus at 6 but he waited a few extra minutes.  I don't know him but he seemed nice enough.

That got me here earlier than planned.  I don't mind though.  I would always rather be early.  

The crazy train was very tame I guess all the freaks and geeks (quote from a former crazy train driver) were still sleeping.  The driver was going very slow and still got me there early.  

I feel pretty run down but I had a good breakfast.  I also took my antidepressant as I don't like to play with that.  

I get off at 4, I venture it will be an interesting ride home.  

That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 

Me, yesterday.  

Spotty is pretty cute and sees himself as my "laptop".  

I didn't sleep well but I did sleep.  I got some good news from my aunt as well.  I am tired but I can work.  

It probably didn't hurt I was almost entirely off my feet yesterday as well, the old shoes were done.  I need to set up my new shoes today.  I walk about 50-60 miles a week so they don't last very long.  

That's it for now, I need to get ready.  

My head's better now that it started raining

 I'm glad I unplugged the computer when I did, a lot of lightning.  

Of course now that I'm feeling better it's time to go to bed.  

I'll try to post before work tomorrow.  

I have a hard time asking for help

 There's reasons for that.  Asking for help and getting slapped down.  With Ron, asking for help and getting abused for it; having it used against me long term.  

Who could forget my depression of 2006 - it was horrible.  I wrote a poem, which I've lost, about being on a ship in flames in the middle of the sea and that's how it was.  I told Ron I was battling suicide.  He said "I couldn't".  

Meaning, he needed me and I wasn't allowed to have my own needs.  I gave him the things I could use, like knives, medication, etc.  He turned that around one day, he wanted me to "play" be active and happy and bubbly to him because after all I had the honor of being his wife...I couldn't play the game.  

He went in the other room, came back, handed me a knife, screamed "Why don't you do it?!"  

That's pretty much how it's gone in my life asking for help.  

Now, I'm fine.  I'm living my life.  I am sick today and I wish I had someone to fuss over me but I'm not likely to get it.  

It's progressing into a headache so I'm going to call it a migraine.  I ate and took some Excedrin hopefully that will help, and i'll lie down again with the cats.  

Biscuit and Cleo have been real naptime companion champs.  You saw I got my loving from Spotty.  

I can't call in tomorrow so whatever this is has to pass tonight.  Ugh.  

I took a nap

 And ate something hopefully that will do the trick.  

Some issues the last week I can't talk about due to OPSEC (personal security).  Nothing directly pest related; .  but if I divulge it the pest could use it to track me down so I can't.  

Buddy's out - he's made that clear.  I think he likes me but is not attracted.  That's fine, a guy like him has Big Plans I'm sure, a nice young wife, kids, etc.  My husband is not going to get that.  I'm middle aged, nearly menopausal.  Three months I think and I qualify.  

But things like that do get me thinking about the long term, what I want with my life, etc.  What God has planned.  I feel He's ending the candy phase for now not sure why.  It's too hot to go out to the Bible Handouts again.  

I keep going back to thinking God may want me with a man who has kids.  I can't shake it.  We will see.  

My parents utterly freak out if I even mention thinking about dating again.  

Back to Buddy 3,000 drivers God knows how many routes and he asks for my route again?  That is confusing but I am going to go with the couple of statements he has made about me being older.  He does have my number.  He also keeps telling me details about his personal life like the route he does on the weekend...

I hope he's not one of those turkeys says no until I start dating someone else and then changes his mind.  

Last night I had some vile digestive issues.  Like I told my parents, it was bad when I could get away to the bathroom but OK enough I wasn't thinking about it.  I had no appetite either.  

This morning I just felt off.  Sometimes I get like this with my medication.  Especially if I also wake up with a headache and take Excedrin.  It can be unpleasant.  

I do have frozen burritos, pupusas, the fixing for cheese melts, spaghetti, pork chops, pork tenderloin, etc.  Not to mention a 1 pound block of cheddar.  

I'll be OK.  But it gets me thinking I need to have my own life away from the company; I'm not giving my life to it and get replaced in 2 days "So sad about Heather... NEXT"  

I don't feel right

 I'm going back to bed.  

I don't know if it's too much work or what... 

I really enjoyed my orange sugar even though my allergies are raging.  

Some good news, I lost 13 pounds since the last time I weighed a few months ago.  

Orange sugar