Friday

 I can't talk about work; I was ordered not to, by my manager.  

I can talk about my ride to work, notable on a couple of accounts.  I left the house, 2 other people at the bus stop - notable.  There was a guy who kept blowing his nose into a rag and then he wiped his hands on the rag as he stuffed it into a pocket.  YUCK.  

The bus driver didn't want to let me off at the light said she had a "better" way for me to get across the street and catch the other bus.  I said no thank you but I had to be very assertive in asking to get off.  

I caught the bus I needed to make my connection.  There was a mentally unstable guy got on, he was staggering like he was drunk and very, very, manic.  We got to the transit center.  

I waited at the wrong stop but figured it out, got over to the correct bus stop.  Then I saw manic guy was on the bus, he got very agitated when I gave the driver her candy and wanted some of his own, I told him I was out and ignored further attempts at communication.  We are driving down the road when BOOM the driver screams and there is a man in front of the bus in the middle of the street.  He had literally jumped out in front of her.  She gestured at him (like "Move along") and he started making throwing motions at her and screaming incoherently.  She got around him and the manic guy kept raving and ranting it was just miserable.  

Then I got to work and that was a sucky day.  I am fine, no one was awful to me.  No one got hurt as far as I know.  But I did not do my usual job.  And I was ordered by the boss not to discuss what I do know online.  But really I am woefully ignorant.  I don't know anything to tell.  

I want a boring life and sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it.  The cats are hiding under the bed waiting for the fireworks to end.  That's it for now.  

The three minute blog

 No headache today, happily.  

Slept OK.  I had 3 cats in the bed when I woke up so it was really hard to leave that.  

My time off request got approved for around Ron's birthday so I will be on a 2 day road trip, that will be fun.  I need to start planning for that.  

Work today, 8 hours, should be interesting.  It was busier than I expected yesterday at work so we will see what it's like on a Friday.  We are getting a cold weather front coming in so it will be interesting to see what that means for sales.  Not very cold but down in the 30's which for Houston is hell.  

I have my lunch packed and ready to go, here's to hoping I get good bus rides to work.  

That's it for now.  

My hair looked OK yesterday

 So I can keep using the shampoo.  But I did wake up with a bad headache today.  Work was pretty slow last night.  But I did the whole 9 hours and earned $100 I think after taxes.  

I think it was the pistachios or maybe the moon pie.  I will see, I'll have to do some experimenting.  I do like having the trail mix on hand that is very useful on my break.  I do wash my hands before eating it though.  

So I work 8 hours tonight and tomorrow, then 4 hours Saturday and almost 8 on Sunday.  I will have to arrange rides every day for various reasons, working late, working early - I don't like catching the bus in the dark, it is too easy for them to miss me.  I am very proud of my record never having been late to work.  I called out with a migraine once but that was it.  And they finally get I can only work until 10 so I don't have any problems leaving at 10 anymore.  I really do feel like they work with me.  I am getting a decent amount of hours, enough to live on.  

That is one thing I am going to do for new year.  Well I plan to start next week; set up a formal budget and stick to it.  Say budget $100 for transportation, if I don't use it I can put it in savings or even put half in savings and then use the other half to get myself something.  My utilities have happily been very low so far.  It has been a mild winter so far and that helps.  My heater is running right now but has not run very often.  I am probably using more gas for my hot water heater.  So do that because for the last year I have not really had a budget.  Yes, I have been putting the $250 in savings every pay period when able.  I need to keep doing that as my home expenses (taxes, insurance) are about $5K a year.  If I put $250 a pay period then I will also have an extra thousand for expenses.  And things come up.  And a grocery budget, incidentals, I am not doing that and I need to have something formal "I can only spend $X" 

I will get it.  Also next week I need to pay the water bill again.  And next week the other utility bills will come in, I can pay the electric over the internet and I may look into doing the gas as well, as the bill pay system was down at work yesterday.  I pay the water over the phone.  Internet is an auto pay, as is my cell phone.  God knows I use it all.  

I am going to take my shower, feeling better now.  I had a lemon pie.   

Done with the shower and I can face the idea of work.  That's it for now.  

I hope I don't regret it (Wed. Morning)

 Yesterday I bought some Fructis 2 in 1 shampoo.  I am always interested in 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner combos as they save me time.  This morning I used it in the shower.  Normally I would wait for a day off and use it then, but I am working 9 hours (not counting transit) today so it will be tested... but I did it.  We will see.  I just hope I don't get greasy hair.  

I just remembered I need to do my candy.  OK that's done.  I had to get some oddball candy and accidentally bought a bag of suckers.  Flavor?  Sandia con chile.  That's right, watermelon with chili powder.  Sounds revolting.  I will use it to make up some "Spanish only" candy with a Spanish booklet which I have done in the past.  I've done that on occasion.  

Today should be busy.  I will make myself useful and I'm sure the day will pass quickly.  I wear a watch at work/on the bus so I am not as obvious about checking the time.  The bus drivers probably don't like that.  They get there as fast as they can but sometimes things happen.  I also got a text and an email stating that a couple park and ride routes are basically out of commission due to COVID illness in the drivers, and I am getting pretty steady messages from the company as well about sick drivers and support staff.  They are caught, I believe, because, like Walmart, they do temperature checks.  

I wore some of my perfume today.  The "Primo".  I like that going back 30 years but Ron had some sort of association with it, an old girlfriend wore it or something.  It was always very hard for me to find a perfume that didn't aggravate his allergies or remind him of an old lover, and he had plenty over the years.  Then it was his allergies.  I couldn't wear anything heck half the time I had to use unscented soap.  So it is nice to get some fragrance back in my life.  And the perfume is very inexpensive.  

I have to go get ready to go.  

Tuesday

It was a busy day.  I got up, took my shower, got ready.  Aunt came on time.  I had her check all my property tax and approve it, then she sealed the envelopes.  We went to my bank to transfer money from savings, did that, got a little spending cash for me (rides don't pay for themselves), then went to Walmart.  Walmart trip was uneventful except for the fact I got some roach baits.  I mean, roaches are a fact of life in Houston but it is still embarrassing, especially knowing it would go on my employee discount.  I noticed the cold and flu remedy section was about wiped out and bought the last box of "day and night" tablets.  I am not sick, don't plan to be, but always try to have some remedy on hand if I do get sick.  So I got it, but it did go on the record, along with the roach bait, as I bought it using both my debit card and my employee discount.  So that's a little shameful.  Now Walmart thinks I am sick and have a filthy house.  

She (my aunt) offered to trim my hair sometime so we went to the beauty supply store.  I stopped, struck, by all the pretty hair dyes.  I found a lovely mauve.  It is semi permanent.  I can use it to put a streak in my hair, I have some white streaks.  I ran it by my aunt (I also had a very vivid little tub of Manic Panic in electric purple).  She said the mauve was better so I put back the Manic.  I also got some leave in hair conditioner.  And a comb.  I have been needing a comb for a while.  I plan to use the dye next week.  

So I went home and put everything away.  Since I had the money in my account, to cover the bills, we went to the Post Office to pay them.  I did that.  I also mailed something to Mom and Dad.  After that, lunch.  

But we're not done!  Then (amazing she still comes out to help me!) we went to Food Town to buy me some lemon pies in case I wake up with another bad headache.  I also got some more candy.  It has been hard to find individually wrapped candy, I did find some at Food Town.  I also found some, yum yum, vanilla moon pies.  

Some other notable things I bought today: a lipstick (Wet and Wild so not very expensive), I can't wear it with a mask of course but on a day out with no mask it will be an option, it's a nice mauve.  When I wore lipstick I always preferred mauve as it is more natural looking with my coloring.  I also got a 2 in one shampoo/conditioner.  I love those on work days as they get my hair clean and somewhat manageable.  I bought a 40 pound bucket of cat litter and now I have a free bucket once I use it up.  I also got a scoop to get the litter out, I am not pouring out of a 40 pound bucket I will guaranteed spill it or pour too much if I do.  

The cats are good.  Biscuit had a scare this morning.  He was sitting in my lap doing the purring, pet me thing and then he saw it... her rather... the neighbor!   Getting in her car next door!  And he ran and fled under my bed.  Poor thing.  He is very fearful.  He also hid when my aunt came but I think he was expecting her.  

A friend signed me up for a Christian newspaper.  I sent a copy to my uncle who loves to read Christian newspapers.  I think he will enjoy it.  I also sent the top of all the property tax bills - I guess you would call them the stubs?  Anyway I sent them - it has all my billing information, amount due, I wrote the check number on each one as well and circled the total.  I sent all of those back to my aunt I think she has a whole filing cabinet on my business.  

They (aunt, uncle, their family) are all doing well.  I need to go to bed pretty soon as I have to catch a bus at 8 tomorrow morning.  That's it for now.  

Monday night

 I forget where I left off but I had a good shower and did all the property tax bills.  Then I saved the stubs and wrote the check numbers on them, stapled it together for my aunt.  I have no real organizational system right now.  

A salesman came by selling windows.  I talked to him for a while and will get a quote tomorrow.  I was clear: 1.  I work at Walmart and 2.  I don't have any money.  3.  Not looking to replace anything.  But he said they can come and look, give me quotes if/when I do replace.  There are a million things I would fix around here before I did the windows: roof, siding, hot water heater being the big 3.  Probably need a new AC and furnace pretty soon as mine are 20 years old.  So all that.  But I can evangelize them when they come by.  

They did ask some questions I found a little odd like how many people live in the house and did I have plans after they came by to give the quote, so if I don't post tomorrow night you will know they were serial killers.  

The cats are good, and Baby Girl did like the salesman so I trust her judgement.  It is late and I am tired, I am going to bed.  

Monday and finally a little energy

 I slept great last night, got up and did all my God Time I am happy about that.  I also rearranged my work bag and put my Waterproof Bible in a more accessible area so I can read it on break/lunch.  I could even keep it in my vest....hm.  

I do need to get an eye exam sometime soon.  Fine print is getting a little too fine.  But I am middle aged and that's to be expected.  I am about a +7 on a bifocal at the strongest part.  Probably need to go up to +8.  

I had the oddest little cycle, too, just a few days of very light spotting and apparently I am done for another three and a half weeks, if not longer.  So that was a new experience.  Maybe I can stop taking the iron pills.  

I do need to go through my pill box and get more supplements the next time I go to the store.  Which will likely be tomorrow.  

I have gotten some of my housework done: one load of laundry in the wash, and cleaned the 3 litter boxes, added some baking soda as it absorbs odor and does not smell.  I like a highly scented litter but thinking the cats probably do not.  I'm going to spray some more air freshener while I am thinking about it.  

I did have something funny happen while I was cleaning up.  I had put all the trash in one of the Amazon paper bags because the cats are bored with them, so I had random trash and then bagged up cat waste.  I was/am wearing my navy blue nightgown, it is mid calf, very loose , high neckline, the kind I can wear around my family.  I figured it was modest enough for a trip to the trash can as it covers more than I generally wear during the summer.  And of course I open the door, step out, there is #6 getting in the minivan, got a good look, and then some guy in a pumped up pickup truck that probably cost more than my house, but I got the trash out, came in and washed my hands.  When the towels finish in the wash I'm going to take a nap (sleep is vital to the immune system!), sweep and mop the house, and then shower.  Then I will do a load of clothes with the nightgown in it.  I don't like to shower before I sweep and mop because I can get sweaty and then you have the dirty water and dust flying around.  I finally have some energy today so I want to put it to good use.  

My house was pretty messy the last couple times my aunt came by and then the litter box was not fresh, pretty sure it reeked so I would like tomorrow to be a nicer visit for her.  Of course she didn't say anything she is very kind.  

I think I am going to go hunt up probiotics.  I got some from Swanson, along with some nice looking soap.  I have found I like Dr Bronners the best as they have a good lather and fragrance which is important to me.  He used to write weird crap all over the wrapper which I found off putting but since his death his kids have modified that greatly, but still kept the nice bar of soap.  So I have 2 months of probiotics coming, the soap, some Vitamin C (a small bottle to keep in my vest at work), they are having a huge sale.  I got enough to get free shipping but not enough to freak me out.  And I was prepared to spend "about" $20 on probiotics, I spent $25 for two bottles plus a 2 month supply of prebiotics to help them out.  And a pound of powdered vitamin C that is a bargain, I have been stingy with my supply but now I can be more generous.  I am a huge fan of Vitamin C.  Nice soap is always wonderful because so many times I have a terrible time mustering the energy for a good shower, a nice bar of soap is motivating for me.  It is also a consumable.  That should hold me for months to come now.  

I am almost done with the towels (someone got sick on one of the towels I use on the couch which is exactly why I have the towels), I run a soak, did a regular cycle (towels were pretty bad especially the one I use as a tub mat, and the puke towel), then did an extra rinse with some vinegar.  That is lifechanging and really makes for a much better and more absorbent towel.  I don't use a vinegar rinse on other clothes.  I normally do not use fabric softener but I think I will this time as I have the pet hair repellent dryer sheets, and like I said the towels go on the couches where the cats sleep.  Then I just have a load of regular clothes and the infamous nightgown to go in the next load.  

And the towels are done so I'm going to go take a nap.    That didn't work, and I had to pay the property taxes so I did that instead of mopping.  I follow the "un f!ck your habitat" page and she said marathon cleaning sessions are not a good idea anyway.  

So I am out approximately $1,400.  Some of the billers had nice perforations on the bill to tear it off and mail, most did not which required me getting the scissors.  Harris County had the prettiest bill with a full color letterhead.  Did not have perforations though.  Did have a huge arrow pointing at the total owed so some props for that.  I had 4 bills total including HOA.  HOA wasn't bad though considering.  So that's all done.  I stapled "my copies" together with check number written down to give to my aunt.  She helps with budgeting and stuff.  I don't like admitting I need help but I do, sometimes.  Especially with bill paying.  Not the money but remembering to pay it and doing it accurately.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

 I don't have long but will make a quick post.  I slept OK just not long enough, I have a couple days off coming up so plan to catch up on my sleep then.  I also don't work until 12 on Wednesday so I can sleep in a little that day (I still have to take the bus).  I tallied up my money, I have enough for the cab rides I wanted this next week so I'm happy.  I can get to work at 9 AM (scheduled some days) but it's a lot easier in a cab.  So I'm happy about that.  

I sat in my new chair while I did my Bible Study it is very comfortable.  I do need to clean the litter boxes though there was an aroma.  I will do that when I get home, I like to do some cleaning/laundry when I get home on my "Friday" night.  Then my days off really are mine.  And my floor really needs a sweep and mop ideally I will get that today.  

The cats are all good, the brown girls got their treats so they're happy.  They like treats when I do my God Time.  I did up some candy for my drivers so that's set.  I need to buy more, though, I am down quite a bit.  That is good though it means I am serving people.  

I am happy with how the new chair looks in my front room.  I may buy some more, one for Ron's room and one for the orange room.  Definitely another for Ron's room.  I also have a nice inexpensive Ikea bedspread I am using as a throw, it is denim dyed so a navy which matches my front room, threw that over the chair so the light colored cushion won't get stained.  I need to spray it with fabric protector as well.  But it is fine for now if someone gets sick in the chair it will only get the throw and I can wash that.  I am also toying with an idea of getting a stretchy orange cover for my fold out loveseat.  I had a sheet on it but the cats trashed it.  It looks OK with an orange towel thrown on it for now.  

I never had much of a cycle this month, it started a few days ago and has just been some very light spotting.  That is a refreshing change.  I am prepared for more if it comes but we're on day 3 so I think I"m OK.  I have to go now, I will post later (taking bus to work and ideally a cab home).  

Christmas

 I had, surprisingly, a good Christmas.  I went to my aunt's house.  I was gifted a very nice Pello armchair from Ikea.  The impressive thing to me those things are never easy to assemble but my aunt didn't complain.  My uncle got it home.  I had a good meal, good company.  My aunt has a friend who was a caregiver for her Dad, who passed this year.  So it was her first holiday alone as well, she came over and we talked.  

I saw one of my cousins in addition to my aunt and uncle.  I stayed around people who love me so that was easier.  The cats are avoiding the chair for now which I find funny.  I covered it with a woven throw from Ikea (keeping a theme the whole front room is Ikea except for the TV stand which I repurposed from a Kmart corner bookcase).  

I used, to me, a lavish amount of conditioner on my hair this morning and it looked much better.  I guess I just need a lot more than I think.  It looked good enough I am rethinking cutting it.  I didn't have it pulled back so it looked better overall but that would not be practical for work.  Safe to say I am active at work as a worker bee.  

Speaking of I work tomorrow but not very long.  Then I have 2 days off.  I already arranged a day out with my aunt so that's covered.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 Last night was, as expected, busy.  Had a customer with a vomiting baby she wanted to linger in my area and ask questions and I kept thinking "I don't need the Norovirus your kid picked up at daycare".  I did not say that.  They issue us sanitizer spray and encourage us to use it; I did.  Had several other people including associates coughing but that could be allergies.  

Didn't get much sleep because it's a short turnaround.  I had 200 mg caffeine when I brewed up my coffee this morning.  I am putting collagen in the coffee, it dissolves better and will hopefully help various issues (joints, hair).  

I was surprised how many associates told me they had tonight off; should be interesting.  I brought a full lunch and my water bottle.  I neglected the water bottle yesterday and boy did I miss it!  Hopefully I will be able to buy a soda before work but if the lines are too long I have the water.  

I need to go get ready.  That is done he should be here any minute.  

Last night (on time) I had some spotting so not sure if that is the whole deal or just the start.  I prepared as if it were the whole deal.  

The cats are good, I'm going to give them a can of wet food when I get home tonight.  That's it for now.  

Thursday

 I didn't sleep well for a change but I am up and ready to go to work, that's all that matters.  I did all my Bible study, will pray later.  I will not be posting a blog tonight I have to go straight to bed.  

I have been thinking about #6.  He has a bad habit, him, his kids, his visitors, of trespassing on my property and the only reason I can think is "Because I have kids, you have a bigger yard for them to play, you never park in your driveway so my friends might as well" etc.  This paired with VERY loud parties that used to be quite upsetting to Ron.  

2019 we had the pipe break.  We had a lot of loud equipment going day and night for about a week, to dry out the house.  During that period he had one of his parties and I found cars in my driveway.  I believe they thought we were away at a hotel and wouldn't know.  I was not at 100% mentally so I did not confront them.  

When Ron died my aunt told the wife and nothing from the family.  Nothing from either side.  Just the #2  landlady coming by months later saying "I heard your husband died".  So I don't find them sympathetic.  A card would have been nice, or just knock on the door and say sorry he's gone can I give you a ride anywhere (I would have said no, but it would have been a nice gesture).  

So they may park in my driveway again.  If they ask I will say NO.  If they do it anyway I had considered calling a tow truck but have concluded that is kind of the nuclear option.  I don't want to go that route at this point.  I do have cats who could be harmed.  

I am still considering what to do with my hair.  I really don't want to dye it because then I have to keep it up.  And every woman I know dyes her hair.  I prefer to be natural if at all possible.  It is clean today at any rate.  I think my volume options are pretty limited if I'm just going to put it back in a ponytail.  When I was a teenager I would bend over, let my hair hang down, use mousse, and dry it upside down.  I got plenty of volume out of that!  But I sweat at the bus stop on hot days and that could be really messy.  

At any rate I did do my Bible study.  I am happy about that.  It's a longer day at work (an additional hour on top of what I normally do Thursdays so not extreme, also means an extra break).  Tomorrow is a full 9 hours I have already arranged a ride to and from.  That cuts 4 hours of travel time right there.  

And I need to go.  That's it for now.  

I generally don't want an exciting dinner.

 So I made up sandwiches for the next couple days (I plan to buy a double cheeseburger for dinner tomorrow), did up my sack lunches with granola bars, have cheese sticks ready in fridge.  Plan is I open fridge, grab cheese, grab sandwich and cold pack, throw in bag with other food.  

So I got all that done.  I was not hungry but I need to eat so I can take my medication.  I got some of my honey bbq chicken strips out of the freezer.  Side note: Ron used to do bbq fried chicken, he would fry the chicken, let it cool, pour bbq sauce on it and cook it in the oven.  It was delicious.  And he was doing that 25 years ago.  I heated up the chicken strips and had a bite.  Hm.  A little spicy.  I continued eating because I have to get some food on board, it continued to increase in heat.  All I can think the hot and spicy line must have been bagged into the honey bbq bags.  Because that was by no means mild.  I got them down but I don't think I will buy them again.  I wasn't hungry enough to eat the baked beans so I didn't open the can.  

And that's it, I need to go to bed pretty soon.  

Wednesday

 

This image is from about 10 years ago.  A couple of things of note: I am thin.  I have thick hair.  It is brown, not gray.  I would like to get back down to this weight which was about 170 if I recollect.  I don't know what about the hair.  I do take collagen.  I don't plan to dye it so stuck with gray.  It is really sad to see that stress did all that to me.  

If I were going to go the internet dating route it would be tempting to put up an earlier photo.  I didn't smile in my photo because I didn't feel like it.  It makes me sad to see who I was, how hard I tried and Ron still died.  Of course he was meant to die at that day, place, and time.  But it is still sad.  

If I did go the internet dating route, and I don't plan to (still have over 4 years on my plan), I would use an accurate photo because I think that is only fair.  The first photo does make me think I should cut my hair shorter, not all the way short but shorter, maybe... then I think back to a photo of me in a bob about 5 years ago and my hair still looked pretty thin.  So I will leave it long.  I don't know any older person with thick hair except maybe my Dad.  

Looks like I was wrong about the bob.  

I would be happy with that, but I need to think on it for a month or two before I start cutting.  Ron took psychology classes and "they" said not to make any major decisions the first year after a big event and I am still only at 9 months.  I am happy to hear comments on this.  

 All these happy photos are super depressing.  And that's the sad thing, most of the time Ron made me very happy.  Someone out there is gritting their teeth but I knew he loved me, would take a bullet for me.  Hell, he came back from the dead for me because he wanted to support me.  That's a big deal, come back in live in a broken down, decaying, body for 20 years so you can be there for me.  In severe chronic pain at that, no wonder he drank.  

Anyway I took a nap and feel a little better.  Cleo got in bed with me and laid by my foot, a big step for a former feral.  Later on Spotty got up in bed with me, curled up in my armpit, I wrapped my arm around him and he put his front paws on top of my arm.  It was precious.  He stayed that way for a good 15 minutes while I talked to him and Cleo.  They are really NICE cats.  I feel like I have the best cats around.  They love me.  

Does that mean I am doing the crazy old widow routine getting all my love from the cats?  I hope not, but in my day to day life I don't have a lot of people for affection.  My parents are out of town, my aunt and uncle have busy lives, I have co workers (some) who care about what happens to me but no one I can really go to (aside from aunt) and say "I could really use a hug, today is a bad day".  So that goes to the cats I guess.  

I talk a lot to Jesus even when I am not doing the intercessory prayer (praying for YOU and everyone else), just chatting at Him I think He likes that.  I haven't gotten a No on it at any rate.  What used to go to Ron (and we talked A LOT) goes to Him now.  I have gotten the impression God wants me to rely on him 100% for all the emotional needs and then let humans pick up the slack.  

The worst thing I could do, I feel, is talk to Ron now.  Ron is in Heaven, to put it bluntly Ron does not want to be bothered.  Ron is trusting God to take care of me, that's why Ron died.  So I need to have that same faith in God's provision.  So I don't talk to Ron anymore aside from rarely telling God to tell Ron I said Hi.  

I am just muddling along trying to figure it out.  I do know I did a lot of mourning before Ron died because he just had loss upon loss and then the mental decline, it was just years of hell for us both.  In a way his death came as a blessing to him.  Me?  To quote Ron, it dropped a nuclear bomb on my life, but God prevailed.  I have a house, I have a job, I got to keep the cats and my stuff.  I found out most of the blind vendors were not all that, only 2 stepped up for me.  And even the one stopped taking my calls back in August - I got the message and stopped calling.  I thought they were more of a community but they were not.  

However my primary message board stepped up amazingly and raised a mind boggling amount of cash for me.  I didn't even ask, I just posted Ron was dead and the next thing they want my email so they can set up Go Fund Me payments.  God's amazing provision and I still have some of it.  

I have a decent little amount of savings for the property tax which will get paid next week.  I got $580 pay in my bank account this morning.  That may not seem like much but the house is paid, it's a job I can do, I feel management and coworkers are supportive.  And the job was literally handed to me "It's yours if you want it, just say yes" I had asked God to make it clear and boy did He!  So I work at Walmart and that's fine.  They take care of me, I am good to my customers.  I enjoy my employee discount card as well.  That's like a 10% raise right there.  

So God is really good; I don't doubt His plan.  At times I wonder why I have to have all this but if my life helps reach others it is all WORTH IT.  I want to live a productive life when it comes to salvation, people getting prayed for and saved, and hopefully my life has made me more sensitive to others.  I am having problems getting the candy I hand out but I will figure that out.  

Boy, even Amazon doesn't have anything.  I go through pounds of hard wrapped candy in a week.  That is conservative.  I can't spend $50 for a 4 pound box that will be gone by Thursday.  I used to get these huge bags of pinata mix from Sam's Club for $7, for 5 pounds.  Those are awesome and I still have a few.  I guess I need to go back to Sam's, but not until after the New Year because many Latinos are doing a pinata for their Christmas eve party, if the neighbors are any indicator.  No sense going if they don't have the candy.  I need to look again at work and see what we have.  I have a ride going home tomorrow - oh that was funny.  I went out to check the mail walking down the block and there's Jack and Jill in the car, driving by, stopped and chatted a minute, "See you Thursday" so that is all set up.  He doesn't read the blog so I can say I am giving him a small Christmas bonus.  Would like to do more but I only make $13 an hour.  He will understand.  I think he would rather have cash than a gift, he can put that in his gas tank, buy himself something, get something for his grandson, etc.  Same with the cab driver, I am using him twice on Christmas eve.  

I have to work late the night before (tomorrow night).  I will go to bed around 11 PM.  I have to start the next day at 10 AM.  I like to get there early so this way I can call "name" and get there at 9.  I will be able to sleep a couple extra hours which is worth it to me.  Then a long day (9 hours) at work on Christmas eve which will be taxing I am sure.  I don't think it will be "bad" but it will be busy.  I do not want to be riding the bus on Christmas eve night the freaks will be out, and I will be tired.  So I will pay for another ride home.  

I have always said I don't do my hair (hasn't been cut in years and I just use basic Walmart products), I don't do makeup or skincare (again with the basic skin products, but no makeup).  I don't do tattoos or nails.  I don't do fancy clothes.  I wear comfortable shoes but not really name brands.  But I WILL pay for a ride home now and then and consider it well spent.  

And I'm not sorry for that.  One of my coworkers said I need to get a boyfriend who can drive me around.  Dad made the point the man who could do that wouldn't be working himself.  I want a man who works.  I am not really interested in a retired man.  But we will see never say never.  I never would have dreamed I would marry a blind man, or a black one.  But I did and was happy for a long time.  

One of Ron's friends made some advances to me just a few weeks after Ron died, I don't even think he had been cremated yet.  I found it very inappropriate and the man was nearly my Dad's age.  There's an old saying "men are looking for a purse or a nurse" and he was looking for a nurse.  I am sure he was a nice enough man but not looking for that again.  AND Ron had told me some very personal, disgusting, things about the man that would have killed any interest I did have.  

I think I am going to go outside for a bit.   I did, and wasn't that exciting.  As you may know I have some sensory issues where I get crawling sensations.  It is a lot better on the medication but still around.  So I went out, had a nice time, came in.  I felt something crawling around on the crown of my head, in my hair.  I ignored it for a few minutes but it got more persistent, I reached up and felt - something- so I flicked it out of my hair.  And there's a huge black wasp on the floor which I smacked with a shoe.  Thank God it did not sting me!  That would be very unpleasant.  I looked around outside I don't see a nest of any sort.  

But it did put the kibosh on going out again.  I called my parents they are doing well, going out to dinner with friends and then look at Christmas lights.  They always liked doing that although we never really did a display that I recall.  They decorated the tree that was about it.  

It is about the time to go check the mail.   Got a property tax bill it looked very ominous but was just a "due by January 31" bill.  And not that much, really.  

All I need to do are make up some sandwiches for the week, and fix my dinner.  I plan to have honey bbq chicken strips with some baked beans.  

That is it for now.  

Tuesday night

 I got 2 deliveries in a 2 week period.  I find it telling, both companies made a big point of telling me to PUT IT AWAY when I got it.  I don't know what they thought I planned to do with it, but if I order perishables I always treat them right.  I have no desire to waste food or get food poisoning.  

One thing I got today were some lunch snacks.  I am OK eating walnuts so I ordered some of those and some dried mixed fruit, I plan to make a trail mix out of that.  I ate some walnuts (I keep typing Walmart instead of walnut) tonight to see if I have a headache or allergy issue and then have tomorrow to recover.  If it works out (here's hoping) I will have the walnut/fruit mix.  I also got Cracklin oat bran.  I like that a lot and eat it dry.  So I put some portions of that in bags.  So I have trail mix, or Cracklin oat bran, as my non perishable snacks.  In the fridge I have 2 kinds of individually wrapped cheese.  Then tomorrow I will make sandwiches and have them ready to go in the fridge, grab a sandwich, grab a cheese, grab a bag, good to go.  I want to make it easy to eat better.  I don't have a lot of money to buy meals, for one, I want to eat healthier items, for two; and I don't want to stand in line when I am not working.  So we will see how that goes.  

I need to figure out a way to incorporate more vegetables into my lunch kits.  I may buy some celery that is already prepped and use that.  And I am done talking about work for now.  

I did the laundry and did an experiment with my grooming.  My hair looked fine this morning so I did an experiment and did not wash it as I do normally.  It was fine for an hour or two but then got greasy and awful looking, so glad I was not out in public.  So I can't do that; it's official.  I hung up all the clothes so that is done.  I did meal prep and ordered groceries delivered, got them, and put them away.  I loved on the cats and got a short nap.  

I have been battling a moderate headache the last few days so I think my special time is near.  I was hoping to get the worst of it done with on my days off but looks unlikely now.  That is OK.  

And I am tired so I will be going to bed early tonight.  That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

 I have had some sick people around me lately at work, to be expected.  I worked retail at Target for some years back in the 90's.  Back when I had another name!  😂  So I was expecting it.  

I really feel adequate sleep is essential to proper immune functioning so I made sure to get a long night.  I feel pretty rested.  My baseline energy level (most of the time) is somewhat tired feeling from my depression and the medication I take for that.  But I feel good.  I took a nice shower with the tea tree soap so I feel extra clean.  I will take a shower when I get home from work on Friday night for sure.  Thursday night and Friday morning are a short turnaround for me.  But I don't want to think about work.  I will say I will make almost $200 combined those two days so not bad!  

Remember I was desperate enough to apply at a fried chicken place.   I remember that.  My Dad asked me if I thought Walmart needed a union and I said no, not from my perspective.  I get my breaks and lunches, I am generally treated with respect, hours are good, etc.  I feel like management will listen to me.  So that is good not inclined to look elsewhere.  

My aunt can't make it today so I will likely get a delivery tomorrow.  It is $20 each way to the store, and I can get a delivery for free from either Amazon or Walmart.  I don't want to do shopping at work right before Christmas (before I clock in like I normally do, or right after work like I did last week) so I will rely on a delivery for that.  Just have to figure out which delivery service.  

I went with Walmart, and, since I have put my employee discount number in their computer, I got my discount.  So that paid for the tip.  I even got more collagen.   The laundry is almost done which means I am really off now.  

I do need to do my God Time and prayer.  I will get to that.  

Oh I forgot to mention getting my delivery TODAY so impressed with that if it works.  I am actually closer to another store so I get my stuff from there, no one I know will be "picking" my order.  Not that I ordered it, but that would be nice if I were ordering sex products or tampons, stuff like that.  "Hey Heather how'd those condoms work out for you?"  😂

Did my God Time happy with that.  Had the "wings of Eagles" verse come up 2 times once read during my music playlist and while I was actually reading it in my Bible.  

but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31 NKJV

That's it for now.  

Video blog

 

OOps, I meant to post last night.  

I had a good sleep and enjoying my morning off.  Torbie makes an appearance in the blog.  

As advertised...

 Yesterday morning was pretty uneventful until I got on my last bus.  About 2 miles from my stop a manic guy got on.  He was bouncing all over the bus, pestering the driver, trying to talk to the passengers, blocking the exit straddling the aisle with both arms up above his head grabbing the safety bars "I need to stretch".  I got up as the bus came to a halt, barreling down the aisle me and my heavy tote bag, he got out of the way.  He was desperate for someone to listen to him.  Unstable.  I was dying to tell him to take his lithium, already.  I did not.  Praise God he did not follow me.  

Work was pretty uneventful yesterday and today but some people around me were sick, two had a nasty cough and a couple more with sniffles.  I am taking all my supplements.  

It is busy of course, Walmart at Christmas, I would be deeply worried if it wasn't busy.  It is nicely so, brisk but not overwhelming.  Not as yet at least.  

I have been thinking a little about the guy I consider forbidden fruit as I do see him at work.  He does not know.  I have been friendly when we talk but that is all and I haven't spoken to him in over a month.  My default with men is to think they are unsaved and treat them accordingly: OFF LIMITS.  Been that route and it is hell.  Not going back.  Besides I really do intend to work on my relationship with Jesus before I look to date.  

And I can always work on my time with Him.  I took a cab home today and glad I did.  I am doing laundry, I had a huge mountain in there (laundry room).  How does one person make so many clothes?  I don't remember this many when there were 2 of us!  I had 3 pair of jeans, for instance.  I don't remember the third pair.  At any rate I used 2 Gain packs and one Tide.  I figured they could compliment each other.  I need to check and make sure the dryer is empty, I hate opening the door with an armload of wet clothes and there's something in there.  

It is cold (to me) today so I am wearing wool socks.  My Mom told me a story her and a friend went to Walmart.  Her friend bought a pair of those cozy slipper socks with the rubber grip dots on the sole.  And took a header wearing them and broke her foot.  I now think of those socks as "Death socks".  I had a customer looking for them today (I did not call the socks death socks) and took her over to the department.  They didn't have much left.  I think everyone is getting socks for Christmas.  So I just wear regular wool socks and my fake crocs.  I have a nice collection of cozy wool socks.  And YES I wore a pair over my support socks, to work today.  It was cold at the bus stop but a lot of people riding anyway (must have been going to work like me).  I used to resent getting socks and underwear for Christmas but that would be great.  I have plenty of socks though, and I won't share my underwear size.  That's the last thing I need someone sending me lacy things.  I don't need the acne soap, though.  I always got that in my stocking.  Yes, I could use it but why not buy it for me other days?  I never got that.  

Anyway I have developed a little skin care routine.  I use acne wash or Cetaphil generic in the shower depending on the grease level.  Then I use a rose towelette before bed.  Last night I was lying awake in bed thinking I really should have done an allergy test on a part of my face before I wiped my whole face, neck, etc. down.  But I was OK.  

And VERY unhappy with my decaf coffee, which was not!  I drank a pot with 4 cups (24 ounces) of coffee and laid awake for over an hour after I went to bed.  It was not decaf!  I know caffeine's effect and that was it.  What?  That was a COLD blow.  And I needed that hour.  So a little bitter toward the coffee if you'll forgive the pun.  

Happy with my diet, I had a mandarin orange, and cups of salad.  My hot dog buns were whole wheat.  I took everything as directed.  I have about an hour before I have to go to bed.  That is the nice thing about taking a cab, I give myself 2 hours.

I may go to bed early, that is sounding good and I am actually tired unlike last night.  

I am OK

 Just busy with work I will do a long post tonight, likely.  

Friday

 Long-ass day.  Combined regular day out activity with a full night at work.  

More tomorrow.  

Thursday

 Work wasn't long but the commute was.  I had 2 homeless guys at my bus stop, begging, while I waited on my ride home and the one wanted to talk.  That wasn't fun.  When the bus came he almost passed me up (I may or may not have been told by multiple bus drivers they pass up the homeless riders as they never mask up, don't pay, attitude, etc.).  I think the driver recognized me and he did stop, shut the door immediately after I got on but the one guy came running up with his garbage bag banging on the door, so he had to let him on.  The guy got on, reluctantly put on a mask, and proceeded to put his trash bag in the seat!  YUCK!  This is why they make laundry sanitizer.  

I am not sorry: I see every "homeless" person as a drug addicted (alcohol included), non compliant mentally ill individual.  They could get help but they won't accept the diagnosis or take medication (have been told by more than one homeless).  Most of them are chain smokers as well.  There are a million ways to get back on your feet in Houston if you are motivated.  So I don't feel sorry for them at all.  I have had a lot of up close encounters over the years, riding the bus.  San Francisco was particularly bad.  They all felt completely entitled to money I had spent all day earning.  That seems to apply in Houston as well, I have yet to meet someone I felt was a true victim.  That said I had no problem donating to the real homeless victims of the storm up in Kentucky.  

I got home eventually and relaxed a little, made a big salad with some tomatoes.  I did Italian dressing this time, it was good.  I also had a couple of cheese dogs because I was tired and did not want to mess with a big meal.  Then I took my medication and called my parents.  They are doing well I am encouraging them to go work out every day.  That can only build strength for them, cardio capacity, etc.  

I went to bed early and had a nice long sleep.  I am up now, somewhat depressed but will take my antidepressant in a minute.  No headache.  Cats are good.  I just need to take my collagen/antidepressant, take my shower, do my God Time.  I also put my PM pills in my little vial so I can take it to work, take that with lunch and then just have a salad when I get home.  I bought a pound of salad mix I am going to be a while eating it.  

Weight still down to 205 so I am happy about that.  One more pound and it is 40 pounds lost, and better than halfway to goal (170).  I want to lose while I still can, I hear it is a lot harder once you stop having periods.  I still do so I want to take advantage.  Speaking of I am due in about a week.  I will probably wear a pad today just to be safe.  

I'm going to go get that shower.  Done that and all ready to go to work.  I talked to Jack he will be there tonight.  I just need to put my lunch bag into my tote bag.  I like to buy a double cheeseburger at McDonald's and put that in the cold bag, then store for my lunch on the shelving.  The fridges at work are packed, especially now, and the doors often pop open anyway.  So I am better off with my little cold pack.  Tomorrow I am getting lunch with my aunt so I will probably just bring my PB&J if I get hungry for my lunch period.  

I am happy my size 18's I got at the thrift store fit great.  They are very comfortable to wear, one is a lavender/mauve color and the other is a slightly faded magenta.  It is obvious these were well loved jeans at one point.  I wonder if she gave them up because she gained weight, or lost it?  I won't know until Heaven.  

Ron used to , like a lot of really intelligent people, have a lot of questions for God.  I used to tell Ron God would download all the answers to him the minute he "graduated" - that's what we used to call death.  He used to get so mad when someone died and call them a lucky b@stard.  He couldn't wait to go back which is why I don't feel bad for him.  I feel sorry for myself stuck down here but him I am happy for.  

And I am thinking I am going to see if my cab driver friend can take me to work on New Years day.  I am certain I will be working.  If I am maybe I can catch him to work because they party pretty hard around here and will go until 1 AM, and I have to catch a 7 AM bus to work.  You can do the math on that.  First let's get through Christmas eve. 

First, let's get through today.  Sometimes the whole work thing feels overwhelming but I am fine once I get there and actually start working.  

That's it for now, may post later.   

 

Wednesday morning

 Not enough sleep (not long enough).  But I am up and functional.  Drinking my collagen in some chicory coffee.   Got my shower now drip drying some before I get dressed.  

The cats are good.  I know Torbie and Biscuit slept with me and I know Cleo was in the bed but not sure if she slept with me too or just visiting.  And I think I had Spotty which is all the cats "allowed" in my bed.  For some reason Baby Girl is not "allowed" in my bed by the other cats.  

I am OK just sad, and sometimes work seems overwhelming.  I have a long week ahead of me with a lot of public transit and that is discouraging.  But I will get through it.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday afternoon

 I am just SAD today.  I did have bright spots, the cats, nice wholesome food to eat (I can see why the one lady in the Blind Vendor program offered to bring me groceries - she, by the way, was the only one in the program to reach out aside from Ron's cohort at the Post Office), a call from my aunt.  She is doing well just winding down from a very busy week.  

But I miss him.  I could talk to him anytime, he loved me with his whole heart.  I miss that.  I know he still loves me but as Jesus said there is now a "great gulf" between us.  And no I am not going to play with psychics.  The Bible is really clear on that.  And a clever person could find out a lot and appear to have the word from Ron but just a good researcher.  And I have shared a lot online.  

I would love to say I can look ahead and see the rest of my life single.  But I can't.  And I need to get to that point before I even think of anyone.  And the #1 question on anyone I spend time with - men - is he saved?  Does he love Jesus with his whole heart?  Is our theology compatible?  Because it has to be.  

Can I look ahead and see another man in my life?  No, I can't.  So I am stuck in this odd place.  But I have this huge hole in my heart; I need to let God fill it.  God is not going to die (again) and leave me ever but I have a hard time trusting again.  And this is why I think a lot of widows don't remarry; it's a huge betrayal to walk in and find your heart dead on the floor (or in the bed).  It's a huge shock.  

And the wedding vows, both Ron and I said "Until death" and death has come, our marriage is over and that's hard to accept.  I could always count on Ron staying.  He might be drunk and falling out of his wheelchair but he wasn't going out the door, either.  Same here, I told him I would never leave him (in the hospital) and I meant it.  He had just woken up and was very scared, I told him I would never lie to him about his health, and I would never leave him as long as he treated me with respect.  And I meant it.  He had made a concerted effort to treat me better the last year or two even though he didn't treat himself very well.  We had our own system but that is all gone.  

And yes I could weep and wail about it for a long time but life goes on.  The other day at work I met a Postal Worker.  She recognized me even with the mask and asked how Ron was, didn't even know he was dead, didn't even notice he hadn't gone to work in nearly 2 years.  And it made me realize we are so quickly forgotten when we die.  You give, in Ron's case, his own blood, to the business and it is all forgotten now.  Drivers move on and forget as well.  It's just me and a few others.  One just gossips about him I am sure.  But he didn't have many who loved him and that is really sad.  I think he was pretty lovable.  He had a huge heart.  

So I am sad today.  And that is OK.  I will either get used to this just like I got used to my "periodic" depressions (wink) or it will get better.  My parents run a grief counseling group as volunteers and they say you don't get over grief you get through it.  Which is a rather depressing thought.  But I will learn to deal.  

I worry about things, I work very hard on managing that and letting God do the lifting.  I worried constantly about Ron, my big fear him falling out of bed and breaking a hip, then getting entangled in the system and not being able to come home to me.  Or him getting into something when I left like he did that one day I took Torbie to the vet - I came home and the front door was wide open, he had gotten out in the garage and couldn't give a good reason why.  Now I know: Alzheimer's.  Oh I would have worried about that.  But I never once worried about him dying.  I worried "something" would happen to him and a finger would point at me, but I do believe the ME appreciated my honesty even though it made me, and Ron, look bad.  No one would lie about the amount I told them Ron was drinking (10-12 shots a day), drinking straight from the bottle, drinking 3 gallons of hard stuff a month.  And knowing that he made the right cause of death as his heart but secondary being alcohol.  I asked, and trusted, God for accurate results on the autopsy and I feel I got that.  

It all feels so raw.  It is better than it was, though.  But I am lonely and I miss him.  My house is a mess.  But I have some days off around Christmas so I can work on that.  

I am surprised I feel so full from just eating the salad and then some collagen in my coffee at breakfast.  I am going to remember this.  That will cut my calorie count way down.   I did just have some cheese on fake Triscuits.  That is always a good snack and pretty filling.  

And that's why I'm trying to do, eat more quality foods not just chips and garbage trash.  I have some soy nut butter (fake PB) out on the counter top warming up because I find it easier to spread at room temp, and it doesn't hurt it food safety wise.  That will be dinner: peanut butter and jelly because that's what I want.  I did up some vitamins in my pill box, and did another week of medication that I had taken.  That will cover anything I didn't get today, but I had collagen in coffee (decaf), a big salad (at least 3 cups greens) with some ranch dressing and a little bit of Italian cheese on top, some sharp cheddar cheese on Triscuits.  Then the sandwich for dinner and later on I will have one of the V8's I found in my pantry (and put in the fridge).  

I need to take care of myself.  I am really bad at that but am learning.  That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

 I got up, did my God Time.  Waited on my delivery.  Unlike Walmart I did not get text updates.  I just found the bags on my porch when I finished the whole God routine (pray, Bible study).  The salad mix was still fresh that was all I worried about.  Might be a problem in the summer though.  

That said I did get a nice little mix of stuff and it was all there and in good condition.  So Amazon grocery delivery gets 4 stars out of 5.  I have a NICE amount of salad mix and some tomatoes, which will really help my diet.  I want to eat healthy.  I got some dates, things like that, as well as some nice coffee.  So I have fruits, veggies, and coffee.  

I can eat it if I have it, I just need to figure out how I am doing my lunches the next couple weeks.  But I have the tools to do it now.  

One thing I see a lot in the breakroom are people eating the salad kits, with the cut up meat, greens, a pouch of salad dressing.  I see a lot of that.  Or people bringing their own lunch with a lot of rice and some meat on top, I see that a lot with the Filipino employees.  So I will figure something out.  For instance, I have cheese and hardboiled eggs.  That could be a good dinner.  I just need to pray I have the energy to figure out meals.  

It looks like (schedule) this week is pretty standard it is next week and the one after it gets interesting.  I will figure it out.  It is nice and sunny out I think I will grab some rays.   They are intermittent.  Oh, well.  

I am debating do I want a nap?  

Monday evening

 I got my shower and had a pretty good nap once my hair dried.  I want to like the Garnier sleek and shine leave in treatment but it just doesn't seem to DO anything for my hair.  I suspect a shampoo + conditioner pairing would work better for me.  I didn't throw it out, it may have some use in the summer, but I won't buy another.  

I had 3-4 cats in my bed during the nap which is a good nap.  Things I shouldn't have done today: check Nextdoor very depressing.  Check the mail with a begging letter from an agency asking for funds to buy groceries for people affected by COVID, complete with tragic detail of young starving pregnant lady.  Watch NCIS LA which is also depressing.  

I put on some Tea Rose perfume.  My grandmother wore it (not this bottle) and I bought mine about 20 years ago.  Ron made deprecating remarks about it so I didn't wear it much around him.  I can't wear it around my aunt as it is a trigger for memories.  I can wear it at home on my day off, but I need to get a pin and maybe some rubbing alcohol to clean out the spray head.  I like it a lot.  

The cats have been very affectionate today which is lovely.  They make life better every day.  I finished the laundry I was able to combine it all in one load which is great.  I need to figure out dinner in a bit.  I could try something new and see how that goes, if it causes a problem it will be on my day off.  Or I may go with something reliable.  I did have my collagen this morning so that's 20 grams of protein on board.  I try to get at least 50 grams of protein a day.  I think I'll have the pulled pork dinner, I got 2 and the first was OK but not memorable, and it clear up some room in the freezer.  I have a really tiny freezer space.  The fridge used to have an ice maker but that went some years ago.  Ron spent a lot of money trying to fix it only to find he couldn't.  But the apparatus is still there.  That said the thing is like 20 years old (fridge) and still ICY cold.  I am not inclined to replace that and I told Ron as much more than once.  

I am listening to praise and worship music, have, a lot, lately and I find that helpful to overall mood and perspective.  It was cold (for me) and gloomy today so I had to battle that.  I do like the tree, which you saw, and how I did Ron up.  I have a mauve silk scarf I am going to drape around the urn for Valentine's day.  I'm not going to venerate him or anything but I like doing up the urn.  It looks much more festive now and one thing that is CERTAIN Ron is very festive up in Heaven.  

My aunt and I are planning a road trip.  If you know my last name (bad OPSEC on my part) there is a town with the same name.  So we plan to visit.  Get some local cuisine and take some photos.  There is also a college football player who is excellent and also has my last name.  He is very black.  😂  I am not, but we are probably third or fourth cousins because it is not a common name.  I have toyed with the idea of getting a jersey but they are not cheap.  Maybe if he goes pro.  That would be cool.  If he does I will root for whatever team that is as the Texans are not doing much lately.  

My Dad taught me about football we used to watch.  Ron would listen to the game on talk radio they did very good narration for him.  So he would play the game aloud on the radio as I had the TV on mute.  It worked very well.  But we got out of that after the accident, I think he had trouble following the game.  I don't seek out football but they do have it on the TV at work often when I work certain days of the week, so I can't miss it.  Anyway I would root for "his" team not the Texans.  The Texans wouldn't miss me.  That said maybe he will go to the Texans.  

I do find it sad how they have all the information you need to gamble, I don't understand that stuff like point spreads and over under.  I don't think it is ethical for the broadcaster to do that, it's like telling someone how to shoot up.  People get easily ADDICTED to gambling just like they do sex (I believe that is real and may or may not have seen that with Ron), smoking, hard drugs, pain pills, etc.  Ron, love him to bits, but he had a classically addictive personality.  And with addiction you lose everything.  Ron's drinking cost him years off his life even the Medical Examiner said so.  I am at very high risk of addiction so I try to avoid all of it.  But I'm going into life knowing this so I think I have a leg up on others who don't.  

And Biscuit is hogging the entire couch.  

I guess I am eating somewhere else for dinner.  A couple of things to note: extra cat food on hand.  Red binder has prayer notes.  Devotional on top of my tablet case (tablet has all Bible stuff on it).  Cat treats lower left.  I made the afghan 25 years ago.  Lots of junk on kitchen table.  I need to get out of that habit if I want to remarry because he will want to eat at the table like a normal man.  

That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 So: yesterday work was fine.  I was busy but did have some downtime which I appreciated.  I did my shopping after work and got some fruits/vegetables I will actually eat.  I like the mandarin oranges they are easy to peel.  

I came home in the cab and added an extra $5 on the tip because he helped with the groceries and was very nice about it.  He actually got everything in one trip.  It took me about 10 minutes to put everything away.  Then I took a nap.  Got up, called my parents, they are fine.  

I finally remembered I wanted to put some little tinsel trees near Ron's urn.  I kept thinking about it when I was away from the house but I remembered at home, went out in the garage.  I had bought these little trees and put them on top of the vending machines every Christmas.  When I left the new vendor didn't want them so I took them home.  I don't really have room for them in the house (except one I put in a window) so I just left them in the bag out in the garage.  But I wanted to do something with his urn.  

I finally remembered the trees, at home, and immediately went and got 2.  

I may exchange the gold one for a green and silver tree I think that might go better with the urn.  But you get the idea.  

I also got a photo of the tree.  

The Amazon thing on the floor is my Aunt's present.  The shoes I am going to donate 2 pair to a ministry.  

Speaking of ministry, I have been disappointed in the Salvation Army lately.  I always used to donate to them but they stopped taking good stuff, made me wait a month (when I get it ready to donate I want it out of the house) so I started donating to Purple Heart Veterans who would come in a day or two.  Also Texas Thrift has a ministry I think Acres of Hope they do good work as well so my next donation would be to them.  Then Salvation Army went woke and basically said I am a horrible human being because I was born white (presumably although I hear I have some Native blood).  That did it for me.  I don't need to fund woke social justice warriors.  I was married to a black man for 29 years.  I changed his diaper and I would do it again.  I love black people.  They are my neighbors, my drivers, my friends, my co workers, and my customers.  They provide me with a decent life and I appreciate it.  I would never devalue them.  I don't need someone pointing a finger at me.  

So they're out.  I heard about the horrible tornadoes up north (from Texas everything is "up north") and wanted to help.  I looked up Samaritan's purse they are still Biblical, doing evangelism while lending a helping hand which is exactly what I wanted so they got a little money.  They already have boots on the ground in the affected areas.  If you are looking for a good relief agency and are a Christian I think they're great.  They made the donation process easy as well. 

Ideally I would sponsor a child through Gospel for Asia, and do a monthly debit for Samaritan's purse in addition to what I am doing, but I am doing some already and I do have a budget.   God knows my heart.  Not to mention the amount of money I spend on the candy evangelism!   I did find 3 more bags of hard, wrapped, candy yesterday so I was happy.  

I did a load of laundry and went to bed early.  That was last night.  I had bought, and drunk, some plain eggnog (no alcohol) last night so that woke me up as my body has a thing about lactose.  I knew that which is why I did it on my day off.  That is fine.  I am actually down half a pound this morning.  I am pretty happy about that.  

I got some things like tuna pouches, crackers, yogurt raisins, etc. to put in my lunch as I will be having some longer days.  But today I am off.  

My aunt is out of town and having a good time helping her son and family move into a new house.  "It's a very nice house" she says.  A lot of her family all live up north now but she is in no hurry to move just yet so that's good for me.  

I do think I will keep up with buying the groceries after work on my "Friday" nights.  That will take some pressure off her and I am paying for the ride home anyway, so I'm only out whatever extra I tip for helping with the groceries.  

Today's plans: take a shower, finish the laundry, do my God time.  Relax.  Ron looks very festive now with the trees, I like it.  I think I will decorate his urn for the seasons.  Maybe with those round things you use for the centerpiece?  Then I can put it down over the top of the urn.  Just an idea.  

Spotty is a silly boy.  I fed them all wet food for breakfast but he doesn't like wet food, so I put down some dry for him which he is eating like it is the finest meal in Houston.  It is pretty cute.  He is pretty cute.  I think I will keep him.  😂

That's it for now.  

Sunday night

 I will talk more about today, tomorrow.  It was "fine".  I am well, so are the cats.  I am just really tired and going to bed early.  

Sunday morning

 Well they wrapped up the party around 9 which meant I got about 7 hours of sleep.  When I got to sleep I slept well.  No headache.  I'm just tired of course.  

I am ready to go for work, got my cell phone, keys, etc.  Ron used to have a routine he would ask me "Keys?  Badge?  Phone?" as we were leaving.  Nowadays I have different items but the bus pass, phone, house keys, etc are all a part of it.  The only real problem I experience, I carry some mints in my pocket.  They are individually wrapped and the wrapper pokes me though the fabric of my pocket.  That gets a little old.  

The cats are good to go I fed them.  The brown girls got treats.  I have to sneak Cleo treats when the other cats aren't around.  

I am as ready as I'll be.  I also did my Bible study.  That's it for now.  

Saturday night

The cold front arrived, with a lot of rain, right before I left the house but I managed to stay dry.  I caught the first bus, no problem.   The second bus was almost an hour late, I don't know what happened there and I didn't ask.  I caught the last bus OK and still got to work early.  

I clocked in on time and did my worker bee thing.  One thing I can say everyone wants the Christmas socks now.  We had those a couple weeks ago but they sold out.  I think the store was afraid of getting stuck with a bunch of surplus merchandise.  One guy asked me for "The bulbs that go on a tree" but when I took him to the Christmas lights he then explained he wanted (it took a minute to get a clear explanation) ornaments.  I set him up with the ornaments but again, a lot of the Christmas stuff is gone.  We have a lot of toys in there now but that's it.  

I decided I am going to do my weekly Walmart shop tomorrow after work.  My aunt may be able to help me later in the week but this way she doesn't have to worry about getting me to Walmart.  And, if it works out, I may do this ongoing.  I am paying for the ride home anyway.  I am out absolutely zero dollars doing this.  And my driver is fine with this, I will just call him when I am ready and wait.   

It will be pretty hectic shopping during the holiday but I don't want to put anyone out, and I don't want to blow an extra $40 on transportation because I wanted to go Monday morning.  

God love him, #6 is having some sort of party with a bounce house, yes, you got it, RIGHT outside the wall of my bedroom.  He fails to understand someone lives and sleeps there.  Someone who has to get up at 4 AM tomorrow.  But it is pretty cold out so I'm hoping that ends the party soon.  It does make me think yes they are going to have a big blowout like they used to, for Christmas.  I am always quiet, he is not.  But they are at least tolerant of the cats.  

It was pretty hard to get my nap, though, all the screaming and the dog barking.  Oh, and the fire department came though on their trucks, lights and siren, towing a flatbed with Santa.  I waved at the big truck and he honked at me, I don't think many residents came out to wave.  I bet they are still talking about my taxidermy bear the day Ron died.  I was glad they could see my cheerful Santa door wrap so they know (if they remember the house) I am doing OK after losing Ron.  

I had a protein shake for dinner.  That is pretty filling and will get the old protein requirements.  A couple of co workers have been sniffly/coughing and I don't want the virus, whatever it is.  Only one way to do that, adequate sleep (I'm trying!) and proper nutrition.  So while it may be tempting to eat crap when I get home (not that I have much in the house), I need to get some protein on board so I can make white blood cells.  So I am doing that.  

Tomorrow is my Friday I am hanging on to that.  The nice thing, if I get the shopping done with tomorrow I don't have to worry about doing that Monday or Tuesday.  

Anyway that's it for now.  (((Hugs))) 

Saturday morning

 Work went OK last night.  The powers that be, about a week ago, did something that makes my life easier so I am enjoying that.   

I was walking around the store yesterday before work and had a thought.  I see this deodorant advertised on Facebook.  They say you can use it on your feet, pits, etc.  I even watched part of a little spoof movie they made mocking those holiday romance movies.  I was doing OK until they got to the "derived from Almonds" part.  I am allergic to almonds.  So that's out even if I could afford it.  But the store had an Arm and Hammer "natural" deodorant I have used before.  

My feet get a little whiffy if I wear shoes with added insoles.  I don't want that, so I can apply the deodorant on the soles of my feet and be covered that way.  I tested it out last night on my feet.  I didn't have a reaction, so I can use it.  And I plan to.  I like the scent and it did work before.  

I prefer a hardcore underarm deodorant with about 20% aluminum for work, I want to make sure I am covered.  So I have stuff for that this will be my foot deodorant.  It should last a good while, too.  

The cold front finally came through bringing a lot of rain, but it is past so I can go to work and be relatively dry now.  I do plan to wear my waterproof shoes though because I am sure the ground is saturated.   

Almost time to go.  I did sleep last just not as long as I would have liked, but that is Friday night for me.  I got the schedule for the week between Christmas and New Years they have me working a really long day a couple of days.  But that is good it means they like having me.  Still not over 30 hours so not qualifying as full time, but I am OK with that.  

It is still fairly dark so I will have to wear my reflective vest.  That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 My electric company recently did a big change up new account numbers for everyone.  As a result the bill pay at my Walmart has had a lot of difficulty processing payments.  Including yesterday.  

However I was able to pay the bill online just now I was very happy about that.  I thought I might have to switch to another company and that is sad because I am sure the company wanted to make it better for the end user.   I had the money to pay, it's only $55.  So that's covered and a load off.  

That also means I don't have to leave early today like I did yesterday.  Also nice.  I got my shower, I noticed my ends are really dry so I did some conditioner today and not just the 2-in-1 shampoo.  We'll see how my hair looks when it dries.  I never paid much attention to shampoo other than: does it get my hair clean?  Is it cheap?  So probably not the highest quality stuff there.  I have very oily hair so I wash every day, especially as I am outside in the weather for a couple hours a day when I work.  

And I already lined up my ride home tonight.  So that's good.  One associate in my area called in sick last night, I suspect she had a reaction to the shingles vax.  Everyone I know who had the shot was really sick for a couple of days afterward.  It doesn't seem worth it to me, but it's an individual choice.  I may feel different 10-20 years from now.  I did the COVID vax to appease my very worried family, I intend to get a tetanus booster when I get medical coverage again, but that's it.  But if vaccines keep getting you sick (she has had problems with everything) why keep getting them?  You are doing the thing you're trying to avoid: getting sick.  

We had a big power outage just now, for some time.  I concluded the traffic light I normally use would be out so I opted for a ride to work.  I can do it, my utility bills were about half what I budget.  I don't have a lot of wiggle room but I can squeeze that out.  And Jack was happy to come at 1.  

I could have ridden the bus down to the other light some distance away and crossed there but I just didn't want to do that.  I have a basic policy on rides to work: if a cold front storm is imminent, or actively raining when I need to leave I will take a ride to work.  Same with the traffic light, if I know it's out it is just easier to grab a ride.  I think Ron would be happy with how I'm handling my money.  

Oh, and I figured out an answer to the lotion problem.  If I use a lotion when depressed I associate it with depression?  I have some hemp oil coconut lotion I bought last year.  I will just use that when depressed as coconut has no strong influence on me.  And the hemp oil lotion has some good stuff in it.  

I don't know what to do with myself, I got up at 7 and I'm not leaving the house until 1.  I may watch some TV.  I don't even know what's on at this hour on Fridays.  

I did my God Time so I may hit the prayer notebook I could stand to do that.  Anyway, that's it for now.  Not likely to do an evening post as I will have to go straight to bed when I get home.  

Thursday morning

 I slept OK but woke up with a headache.  I also woke up with 3 💖 cats in my bed, Cleo, Biscuit, and Torbie right by my head.  Pretty cute!  I took something (Excedrin) for the headache and it is mostly gone.  

I saw my basket as I sat down by the computer.  Long story on the basket.  Ron and I were at the Walmart in Galveston on our honeymoon and needed a few things.  I would push Ron in the wheelchair and he would hold a basket in his lap, when we shopped, back then.  They didn't have the blue plastic shopping baskets with the handles so I picked up a woven basket with handles, we used that and Ron said "I like this, let's buy it too" when we got to checkout.  So I kept it.  When he painstakingly cut out all the little cardboard squares for me a few years later I put them in the basket.  When he died I put all the cards on top of the squares, in the basket.  So it is very sentimental for me.  The movers almost threw out the squares when they were packing, I freaked and snatched it away and yelled "Not this!".  And Ron was still alive...

Anyway I am functional now, the headache is almost gone, but my hands are shaking.  A little hard to complete my health assessment at work.  Times like that I do wish I had someone else around who could do it for me.  

But one statistic I read:  If you don't remarry within 10 years of losing a spouse you are not going to remarry.  According to the research.  I still plan to hold tight to my 5 year plan of not dating and getting my head together.  I would like to think I would be OK being single, like the other ladies in my family, but I do miss having a companion.  I don't want a room-mate not to mention I would have to put them in Ron's room and share a toilet and shower which would be a little ick.  What if they have hepatitis?  What if they secretly hate cats and hurt mine when I am not around?  So on that count I would rather live alone.  Not to mention it can be really hard to evict someone if they prove to be a problem.  

I have been reading a lot of stories of people who didn't pay their rent during the lockdown, got rent assistance to stave off eviction, but when their lease expired the landlord said "Get out".  I can understand the landlord's viewpoint, you have already proven you are unreliable.  Not to mention the one lady I was reading about was very ugly to management during phone calls about repairs, admitted it.  No one likes to be talked to like they just *(&! on the rug.  Happily Walmart does not do that.  But the tenant feels like it was OK not to pay the rent and that could happen again.  I wouldn't want a tenant like that I have to pay taxes, insurance, utilities, and upkeep on the place and you are in the other room doing selfies all day.  That's a problem.  

I mean I was able to go out and find a job in the worst of it.  I went to interviews, applied online, honed my resume and cover letter, etc.  And I don't think I'm anything special, I just sat down and did the job stuff before I went on my message boards, blogged, etc.  I almost missed orientation at Walmart because they sent me an email and I don't have email on my phone!  Happily my aunt rode to the rescue.  So if I ever job hunt again I will have to get better at checking my email (I currently do it once in the morning and that's it).  

Checked my email $605 in my account from Walmart Associates Payroll (my name).  I will take it, I sure earned it.  I think I missed out on a bonus because I called out one day with a migraine, but there's no way I could have gone to work that day.  Maybe next time.  

My hair looks conditioned today from the hair stuff but not necessarily smoother, but I did just get out of bed.  Chances are it's going to rain today so after my shower I plan to put a little of the stuff on my ends, and part, and leave it at that.  I don't plan to use a lot like I did yesterday that was a little slimy.  

So, off to my shower.   Did that... was naked with hair brushed out (now there's a visual) before I remembered the litter box, so I cleaned them first then took the shower.  Nice fresh litter in there.  Good shower, I like that citrus mint soap.  I got a little more than I planned when I did a squirt of the hair stuff, so I put a moderate amount on my part (it gets very frizzy) and then some on the ends, then I put an old tshirt on until it soaks into my hair so it won't get slime all over me right after my shower.  

I am pretty clueless about beauty routines; when I was a teenager I spent most of my time suicidal and barely got into the shower to wash my hair and apply deodorant.  The rest of the time I was putting on blue mascara and too much blush.  When I met Ron I stopped wearing makeup because he couldn't see it.  He just asked me to take care of myself and be presentable he didn't care about lipstick or whatever.  So I just got out of the habit.  I was always clean but that's about it, I didn't fancy myself up.  

Lately I have been feeling a little push to use the whitening toothpaste, get some hair products, and a new skincare item (generic Cetaphil I think it was, the face wash).  I want to look "nice" not just "presentable" but still don't plan to wear makeup or style my hair.  I'll use the leave in conditioner but that's about as far as I plan to go.  Not to mention the intensive beauty routines cost a lot of money.  Still doing the ponytail, I just put it up in a clip for work.  Recently someone was working near me with some strapping tape and I had my hair down, I couldn't help but think what if she got my hair?  I would have to cut it off.  Happily it did not happen but it confirms me putting my hair up when I work.  Besides I am fairly active working.  

A lot of baying next door in #6's yard, I think Cleo is teasing the dog.  I didn't know what it was, at first.  But I'm up been up for a while so that works.  

I actually like getting up hours early, then I have time to just sit around, do my God Time, hang out with the cats, etc.  Then go to work.  But that's me, I think most of the people work that swing shift at work like to stay up until 4 AM.  I go to bed around 11 PM.  

I am moderately depressed today but nothing like last night.  I am happy for that.  I did sleep OK.  I had a weird dream but I don't remember it.  

I am going to go check on Dad's package.  It's in Oregon, that's encouraging.  He is in CA.  He has 2 packages but I figure I can just check the one.  Shipping was a lot but like my aunt said it is Christmas.  I could have just gotten him a Walmart Gift card or even a Starbucks, he did say he liked Starbucks, but 1.  They support some things I don't and 2.  I wanted to be original.  So hopefully he will like the gifts.  

And I just figured out the perfect present for my aunt, it will arrive on Saturday likely.  It is not necessarily a Christmas gift but it is something she wants.  And that's all that matters.  

For instance, I would be thrilled if someone brought me a case of litter for Christmas.  I can't eat chocolate, I have plenty of coffee (although could always use decaf), but I can always use cat litter.  Just a for instance.  

I did my God Time and bagged up some candy.  I am having troubles getting the hard, individually wrapped candy.  I make do with what I can get but would like a "better" mix.  However the candy is just a vehicle for the Scripture booklet so I don't worry about it.  I am just glad I have something to hand out.  But that's another thing I could use, hard individually wrapped candy.  I need to ask my aunt to keep an eye out the next time she goes to her Walmart.  Mine is pretty bare but hers may have more.  

I am glad I figured out her gift.  I was going to get one item but she has mentioned the other more than once so I feel confident.  I know she will like it, you don't always get that confidence in gift giving.  

Still moderately depressed but I will make it.  Just thinking about the day Ron died; those were some awful phone calls, first to my aunt "I found Ron (unresponsive) I called 911 he doesn't have a heart rate and isn't breathing".  Then my Dad I called him right after they pronounced Ron "Ron just died, I need to go talk to the Medical Examiner's investigator and will call you later".  Needless to say my aunt booked it over here.  And by then he had been pronounced.  

I will give the responders credit, they sure tried.  CPR so vigorous they broke 2 ribs.  They used a lot of epi, I heard them talking about that everytime they gave him a dose.  They shocked him, had him on a vent, intubated him, did everything they could but God had taken him.  

Now Ron faced a hellish decline into madness and dependence I am certain he was more than happy to go, and I'm sure God told him (and will) He would take care of me.  Once he heard that I am sure Ron was happy to go especially when God let him know he had Alzheimer's.  Who wants to stick around for that?  And Ron had a thing about "being a burden" he would not have wanted that.  

But his heart just gave out.  I used to laugh because, every time a medical person saw Ron's chest with the scars from the open heart surgery, they always got out the stethoscope and had a listen to his heart.  I thought it was "silly, his heart is fine".  It was NOT but I am glad I didn't know.  I would have worried endlessly and wouldn't have left him.  And really what could I do?  If God calls you, you are going and nothing a human can do is going to stop death.  And at the end of it I am glad Ron died when I was out of the house.  It might have been bad to hear.  

And now I need to go see about my ride home tonight.  I don't like to call him too early.  And he can do it.  

I am almost ready to go.  One thing I need to think about, do I want to get on the "affordable" health care plan?  I should get my own heart checked out, I am overweight and have a family history of trouble.  I do fine running for the bus and all but you never know.  And I don't want to put my loved ones through losing me.  I will think about it.  

That's it for now; may post tonight after work.