I hate you. I love you. Come close again.

It was a tough day today. 

I didn't sleep well - fireworks.  Ron woke me up at 7 (accidentally, when he was drinking), and I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up.  I had to kill a big, disgusting, roach in the bathtub.  Biscuit pointed it out to me.  Thank God I wasn't naked and helpless without my glasses. 

I had a nasty headache all day, which affected my appetite and desire to do anything.  I still took my shower and did my God Time.  I cleaned the litter boxes. 

The headache worsened.  Ron was in his room, sleeping.  I took some fake Excedrin and lay down for a while.  I couldn't sleep and the headache only partially dissipated.  But I was looking forward to a late lunch with Ron.  We were going out for Indian food. 

He woke up and complained bitterly about pain, said he was calling his doctor "for dope".  I told him they don't hand that stuff out anymore.  He would, at the very least, have to have an MRI before they gave him anything.  He cursed me out and started drinking. 

He threw a lot of invective at me, saying I was "forcing him" to go out, etc.  I told him to cancel if he didn't feel up to it.  He scoffed at me.  I said I would cancel if I had a migraine (is this feeling like a game yet?).  He kept drinking and swearing at me.  He finally cancelled. 

I sure didn't want to take a drunk, belligerent, angry man out to lunch.  I told him I guessed we just couldn't go out to lunch anymore.  Since it was too painful for him.  He got upset at me and cursed me out again, said that wasn't always the case. 

It went downhill from there, climaxed when he shouted "You don't do anything for me" and I responded by saying yes, I did, I was his caregiver AND I helped him with the business.  "And I hate you for that!" he shouted.  He said it again later, he hated it that I helped him, so slightly different phrasing. 

I'm helping him.  I get that he's upset he needs help but why take it out on me?  I told him verbal abuse could and would run me off one day, if he didn't watch it.  He went on for a while, running me down, and finally stopped, reversed, and did a 180.  He loved me so much.  He couldn't make it without me.  He just wanted to provide a better life for us.  I am sure he believes all of that, wholeheartedly. 

I don't know if I should be ashamed to say I tuned most of it out the way I did the abuse.  That's classic abuser technique: I hate you, I love you, come close again.  I hate you.  I love you, come close again.  Pretty soon I just put up a wall and shut him out altogether. 

It didn't help my headache much.  And I had to eat so I could take my pills, because I don't like to be "low" when I'm stressed out.  I pulled out my bag of greens. 

For now, it's not really feasible to do the salad AND the cooked greens every day.  So I am focusing on committing to one, or the other, every day.  They both have long sell by dates (the 12th).  Yesterday was a salad, today was cooked greens.  I stuffed my microwavable bowl full of greens and seasoned it.  Then I covered it with plastic wrap and nuked it for 2 minutes. 

I had to let them cool down a bit because they were really hot.  Then I ate them.  The other greens have been, well, green.  They are a mixture of different types of greens.  Today's batch had some mustard, kale, and collard that I recognized.  Awful!  Bitter!  I gagged them down anyway because I needed the nutrition but Ron's still going in the background.  Then I cooked a Hot Pocket.  I won't be buying it again.  My stomach rolled in a way that let me know I had better shove something else in there before I got sick - not enough food can be a big problem when taking lithium. 

I have, on a couple of occasions, gotten REALLY sick from taking lithium with a salad.  I was very queasy and had a lot of stomach pain.  That's the last thing I wanted today. 

And I hate getting queasy.  Ron is still going.  He loves me by now.  I had some cheesecake filling left so I ate that with a glass of milk, and that did the trick. 

Ron kept going for a while yet, went back to the bedroom, and went on a while longer.  Biscuit laid on my foot while I got on the computer.  He is a very reliable cat.  So cute. 

I wish he would have killed the roach in the tub but maybe he figured I needed to get some aggression out.  Maybe he knew my day would make me "aggro" and I would need an outlet.  I don't know. 

But he's cute, sweet, and cuddly.  I'm so glad he picked me, he ran right out of the woods and climbed me like a tree, meowing in my ear. 

I have had a pretty bad hand tremor today, it makes my hands shake, I slosh things, I have to pick up a drink with both hands.  My Dad has one, too, but it's not from medication.  I think I was already predisposed and the lithium flipped the switch.  At least I can work, and even more important, type! 

Although I know some people who have those talk to type programs, so worst case I would have something. 

I ran a load of laundry and it's in the dryer now.  All Ron's clean clothes can live on the back of his chair, now.  He prefers that to his dresser, or the closet. 

Which is fine, except a certain Baby Girl likes to sleep on the chair and get hair on the clothes, and I have to lint brush it. 

Tomorrow we work.  We're going in a little later so it should be interesting.