God as a psycho and Team Ron

I got a post - reply - referring to God as a "psycho".  Well, I can see how an unreached person can view things that way, but I haven't been angry at God in a long time. 

When I was lying in my crib, filthy and undernourished, neglected all day, every day, for months at a time, God was with me.  When my mother left, He was with me (that's pretty much what triggered my mental illness - I had my first hallucination around age 3, when she left).  When my Dad remarried, He was with me. 

I wasn't allowed to read (long story, but basically it was believed it would "make" me mentally ill if I read), but the Bible I was given at age 8 was a treasured possession.  That, I could read.  And I did.  I liked what I read.  God loved me.  He cared for me.  To quote a very wise little boy "When I cried, He cried with me".  God was with me when another family member developed bipolar disorder and decided to make me the target of his violence.  I didn't understand the big plan, but I knew there was one and I just had to hang in there a while yet. 

About that point, I did become angry at God.  Someone was mentally and physically torturing me, and being rewarded for it.  Unfair favoritism in chores.  I had no problem doing, hard, dirty, yard work, as long as the other "kids" did it too.  But they didn't.  Sometimes my yard work left me bleeding - we had one of those fancy, well-kept yards and one particular palm tree had thorns on it.  I was always cutting myself on the thorns (gloves?  For Heather?) until I figured out a way around it. 

Things were pretty untenable when Ron came into my life, I was on the edge - of what, I didn't know, but I was fraying fast.  Ron offered an out.  He was the first person to believe me about what was going on at home, and he was sure a good outlet for some of my manias, and that's all I'll say on that. 

Was it God's will to run off with Ron?  I don't know.  I doubt it was His will for me to live in sin with him for 11 years, but I sure learned my lesson about that. 

Ron wasn't ready to commit for a long time, as evinced by his behavior over the years.  I wanted to get close to God again, but there was that little "immoral" thing I was doing.  I knew getting right with God would mean leaving Ron. 

I knew if I asked Ron to marry me (even though he did propose and give me a ring), he would show me the door.  And I was pretty economically dependent on him - something that hasn't changed. 

So, fast forward to the accident.  The first thing I grabbed was my Bible.  On one particularly grim, lonely, night, I repented of my sin and told God I would try to make it right.  God carried me through those times when I had very few people on Team Ron. 

Team Ron - those who wanted what was best for Ron.  Me, his Dad, and my aunt.  And "Dad" was limited in what he could do.  He used to bring me quarters wrapped up in foil, for the vending machine, because he knew I liked drinking soda.  Sometimes he would bring me food, like the half-eaten box of chocolates.  I found it very sweet.  At last someone cared, thank you Jesus. 

But in the meantime Ron's care was squarely on me.  My aunt lived literally all the way across town, and had 4 sons.  She could help with some things, and let me know she had my back, but day to day I was on my own. 

Thank God I had my trusty Bible.  I dug back into my faith.  I won't lie, I wasn't chaste until Ron and I got legally married.  But we did get legally married and I finally had the weight of that sin off my back. 

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of other sins, but God guides me on that.  So I got back into my faith and I don't regret it.   I see God as a good guy, one who has my back during Hard Times. 

I get a little sad when I think about all I could have been doing over those 11 years I was living with Ron, in sin.  But then I remind myself Moses didn't start his work until he was 80. 

I am happy serving God, as I see it.  I believe it is His will for me to stay with Ron.  I do hold Ron accountable for bad behavior. 

Not that he's done any this morning, he's been very appreciative about "all I do for him".  Good to hear.  That, I'll take. 

I'll post later, after work.