"You Scare People"

I always knew something was wrong, but no one could find a name for it.  I lived over three decades before I got a name "bipolar disorder".

That was pretty much it, I had an emergency room diagnosis, the word "manic" was used, and I was told to find a doctor and get medication.  I did a lot of research as I looked.

It was hard; because my illness became very severe.  Bipolar type one, psychotic features  If you read the link, I also have "mixed" episodes, which put me at a very high risk of suicide (up to 40% risk).   I have rapid cycling, which is also bad.  I generally cycle manic, and depressed, every month.

So, I found out, I have pretty much the worst form of bipolar illness on the books!  Awful!

I also found out we had wonderful medications available.  I found a good doctor and I know take a wonderful cocktail of medication that does a very good job of managing my symptoms and making sure I have a good life.

Yes, I pay in side effects, mainly fatigue these days.  I also have a lot of dry mouth, which is minor.  I had horrible nausea for years.

I'm a success story, happily married, running a business, living on my own, no intervention needed.  No hospitals, no therapy even.  Praise God.

However, there are a lot of people out there who aren't doing so well.  I think there may be a few reasons:

1.  They don't know they are sick.  They know something is wrong, but don't know, or admit, it could be mental illness.

2.  They know they are sick, but don't want to take medication.  Trust me, I get it.  You know, I have to sit down when I put my pants on?  I'll fall over otherwise.  I battled horrible brain fog, horrendous nausea.  I have vomited.  I've had horrible migraines nearly every week.  I get it.  To them, the benefit of medication is not worth the side effects.  Maybe they need to get sicker before they will appreciate it.  I was so sick, I didn't care.  I was just happy I had something to take.

3.  They know they are sick, they take medication, sometimes.  After all, why take medication when you feel fine?  Oh, I'm getting sad.  Time to take my meds.  Feeling better, put them away.  They tend to end up needing more hospitalizations and intervention.  Pretend it is heart medication, and take it as directed, every day.  Sometimes they will take it infrequently and then complain that it doesn't work.  It would, if they gave it a chance.

4.  They take medication, but develop problems and have to switch.  Lithium causes birth defects, for instance.  If I got pregnant I would have to change it.  Years ago, I developed a horrible, overnight, allergy to an antidepressant and I have to avoid a whole category now.  Happily, I found a new one in a different family.   They can get frustrated and feel like nothing will work.

Wrong.

5.  People like me.  Our medication works and we take it faithfully.  People have a hard time believing we are even sick.

It's unfortunate.  People in groups 1-4 give the rest of us, the 5's, a bad reputation.

They scare people.  Let's be honest, "crazy" scares everyone.

I just wish people understood that "crazy" spans a very wide spectrum.  Some of us manage it, very well I might add, and others don't.

Some of us like awake in bed, tormented by invisible bugs.  Some of us look up at the ceiling of the walmart, wondering if anyone else hears people walking around on the roof.  Some of us have to cook extra food to get us through the depression times.  Others have to hide the credit card when mania strikes, or keep a very low balance in the debit card account to prevent overspending.

With God's grace, we do it, and I hope we make it look easy.

My husband says "You (crazy people) scare people".  Yes, we do, and we should.  We can have horrible thought processes even on medication, but we manage.

Don't judge us all by one bad apple.