Mystery number

Today, while at church, I got whacked with depression.  It was surreal.

I stood there, asking God to help me, as everyone sang around me.  I have a little depersonalization, so I felt a little "outside of me" for a few minutes.  Eventually it improved enough that I felt like myself again.

I do love my church.  They are all loving, caring people.  I get hugged a lot.  I'm a hugger - so I love that.  I have, probably, the best emotional support in my life.  That's why the depression was so weird.

In part, the pastor preached on our readiness to do God's will.  I had a vision of myself, standing on the median last week.  I like to think I'll do whatever God tells me to do!  

In fact, I teased the pastor later and said I wasn't going to do anything crazy, like a Bible handout, even if God told me to.  I was laughing at the time.  He's very supportive.

I can't tell you, how many "good" Christians just freaked when I told them about the Bible Handouts.  Even my own family!  

Church, they're like, oh, awesome.  How can I help?

I love, love, love, them to death.  They are out of the service area, so we have to ride as far as we can, then exit the vehicle and wait for someone to pick us up.  Someone always does, and they're happy to do it.

Don't you hate it when someone "helps" you, and has such an attitude you think "I am never asking you for help, again.  It costs too much."?   Not them.  In fact, one guy showed off his new car.  They really are, happy, to help.

Of course, a church is a lot more than people being nice.  The people who attend should be getting taught, Biblically.  Sin should be fought.  Jesus should be the head, and the pastor a teacher/counselor.

I went to one church where everyone was very nice - but it wasn't a Biblical church.  Another church everyone was very rude, and the pastor didn't believe in the rapture.  That's a big problem for me.

Here, I get wonderful people, and wonderful teaching.  I'm happy.  Ron's happy too.

The only problem Ron has - he has to use his hearing aid during the sermon, and they start singing right afterward.  He always forgets to remove his hearing aid during the prayer and frantically yanks at his ear as they start the electric guitars!

Ron and I both like the music, too.  I don't know all the songs yet, and I'm pretty tone deaf, but the other people, and God, don't mind.  They really are very Biblical.

I used to dream of finding a church like this.  I didn't think it existed!  I'd have to say, at this point and time, I probably have the best support structure I've had.

So, yeah, depression sucks.  It always will.  I will continue to battle spiritually every time I do something for God.  I accept that.  I'm OK with it.  I don't know how many people got started to Heaven because they interacted with me, and frankly, I'd rather not.  Pride is a stumbling block for me. If it was a big number, I'd get arrogant and useless.  If it was zero, I'd get very discouraged and give up.  But, it's a mystery number.  That's fine with me.

I like surprises.