Obviously, today's a bad day for depression.
It was very embarrassing for me when Ron called someone and complained bitterly about my weight, going on and on about how he "could" have married a skinny woman (one is a chain smoker, by the way). He said, flatly, he didn't understand why I was upset.
I think he believes it was the weight issue that "made" me leave; when in actuality it was the whole context of the weight issue. He approached it in the worst way possible, name-calling, making judgments, and "mind raping" as they said in a book on psychology (telling me what I thought).
As of now, I've had no impetus to confront him. So, I'll wait until he asks, and if he does, I will say "When you are verbally abusive to me, and that means calling me names and cursing at me, then I will leave. That is why I left."
However, it's not all bad. Ron went to the liquor store, so I have the house to myself again. I'm playing my music, "loud" for me, but you can't hear it out of the house. I finally stripped the bed and got the bedding in the washer. I remade the bed with nice clean sheets; and gave the cat a can of his favorite smelly stuff (he is chasing the plate all over the floor).
I really enjoy watching him eat; he's 100% into his food. He just came up to say "Thank You". He's a sweet boy. He knows I'm upset.
God only knows what Ron is buying at the liquor store. He chose to call the "friend" who encourages him to buy large amounts of vodka, drink, and get involved with pornography. I'm sure the guy ate up every little bit of the juicy gossip.
I don't understand why, all of a sudden, my weight is a big issue. It has been 230 consistently for several months. I'm not gaining; what's the issue? My blood sugars are fine, so is my other bloodwork.
I'm at good medication levels, content, and I think I did a great job of handling the drama earlier. I didn't get upset; I just said "If you're going to talk to me like that, I'm leaving."
I have to think the devil is sowing dissatisfaction and resentment into Ron's head. Encouraging Ron to look at the things he doesn't have, instead of the things he does have. Ron is allowing this; he has the spiritual authority to rebuke the devil, but Ron doesn't believe he exists!
So, Ron's a perfect target really. What better way to upset me, than verbal abuse from my husband? That will take my eyes off God and consume me with my own negative emotions.
Consume me, if I allow that to happen; and I'm not. I feel sorry for Ron, more than anything. He's like a buoy, bobbing around, and he has no idea the waves are the devil driving him. Devil says "attack Heather" and he does. Devil says "Feel sorry for yourself and drink it away" Ron does it.
He has the power and authority to fight; but he doesn't. I can't even say what I've said thus far, to him. He completely shuts me down and refuses to hear it.
And the devil wins another round, for now. I'm still handing out Bibles and praying for everyone, though.
1 comment:
Same S...Different Month Heather. It seems Ron is fine and then snaps out of the blue. Then all is well again and the pattern repeats over and over. Classic abuser situation.
If Ron thinks he could find a thin woman who wasn't broken (as he likes to put it) who would do all the things you do he is seriously delusional.
Seriously only a woman who actually loves Ron would tolerate his garbage. He has no clue what agape love is nor is he capable of giving you that back. Heather you are truly long suffering in every sense of the word.
Of course as most human beings do you contradict yourself at times with how your relationship is setup for instance you won't get a job because Ron thinks that is against the Bible, etc.
If you stopped doing anything for him I still do not think he would get it. Perhaps if he was in a nursing home then maybe but I have a feeling once he came back home in a few months his behavior would start again (people have short memories, especially when they are self centered).
As for the attacks from the devil because of the Bible hand outs, one could look at it that way.
But I choose to look at it like this: Yes the devil exists. But with the sinful nature of people he does not have to work that hard to get people to do evil and rotten things.
If anything satans job is a heck of a lot easier than God's since it is in us to gravitate toward the sinful.
I wonder do you have to believe in the devil to consider yourself a Christian? Can God exist without the devil?
If Ron does not believe in the devil I wonder why he is so worried about people going to hell.
Can hell exist without satan and his demons?
I do think if you are consistent with Ron and follow through on what you will do when he behaves evilly that you can retrain him a bit. That is if you decide to stay with him.
Good Luck Heather.
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