In public, I am toning it down

 Some digging on this one.  

My aunt called and we talked about finances (grim) so I will have to make Some Big Cuts.  I can do that, though.  I have been partial to my work snack but I will adjust.  I can bring something from home.  

She also wanted to know about work which was also anxiety provoking and depressing.  I like to think I do a good job but does the boss think that?  It is hard to say.  

All 3 cats were in the bed so I thought I could have a nice nap with them, only to have them flee like I farted when I laid down with them.  I did rest for about an hour but it's not the same without a cat :(.  

I have also been thinking about pride, stupid mistakes I think I am making, and my faith.  It has been my practice to tell everyone in my circle about the Bible Handouts and share my faith but I am starting to believe that is a mistake.  It seems like every time my faith comes up at work the boss gets very nasty for some period after.  I believe she had a bad experience with hypocrites and when I talk, it comes up.  I don't talk about any of this to her but I believe things are getting BACK to her.  

So I have concluded, after some thought, that I won't be talking about the Bible Handouts at work or sharing any material from now on.  I am also seriously considering not saying anything on Facebook at all, just sending my one sponsor a link to the blog with an after action report.  Because work people are on the Facebook.  

I am not saying I'm persecuted; just that life is a lot harder when I am shining my faith brightly into all the dark corners, and I am worried about losing my job.  I intend to keep up with the candy distribution and the Bible Handouts, praying for everyone daily.  

But I feel, at least online, sharing my faith on Facebook is just beating my head into a wall.  An example: years ago a Postal Worker friended me on Facebook.  Now and then I would put up a post about the Bible Handouts and I would talk about them, at work, to anyone who would listen.  

Some of you are probably rubbing your forehead with a pained expression.  Let's just chalk this up to the brain damage.  

I knew she had an older teen daughter.  One day she approached me and said she and her daughter would like to do a Bible Handout with me.  I did not query her as to salvation status or the motives she had.  She just said "they wanted to help".  

So I arranged a Bible Handout in a better area in the early evening after work.  They didn't listen to things I said about blocking traffic, touching cars, and taking money but we did not get caught.  We handed everything out and they dropped us at home.  

About an hour later Dee gets online talking about how she had "This great experience with her daughter doing a Bible Handout" and what a great college essay it would make.  

I was LIVID.  

She did get into the college of her choice, though.  But, overall, my Facebook experience with my faith has been distressing.  

I did pick up a couple of sponsors and shared some good information with other evangelists but that's about it.  Some people think I put up the reports for an "Atta girl".  I don't, I want people praying for the recipients and I don't feel it's happening.  When I put up a report people, if they say anything, are just saying "Oh Heather you are so great" which feeds the pride but nothing else.  

So I need, I think, to put a cork in it.  One of my devotionals this morning was about letting my words be few which I think applies to this.  

A good example was the other day at work, my "other" boss, the one who asks a million personal questions, was asking me what I had planned for my day off.  I told her I might do a Bible Handout, where, and why.  Her attitude "If people are getting shot there you need to stay away" with a complete lack of understanding why I feel compelled to go to hurting souls currently bound for hell, was distressing.  And I realized no one at work is going to understand this.  I just need to stop talking about it, go out and do it, come home, and say "Oh I finally got around to mopping the floor this weekend".  

I love to share and I am very passionate about my faith but I'm realizing there is literally no place for it at work, and sharing it is harming me.  

It's not as simple as I prayed over my lunch and my boss wrote me up for something small.  It's more ambiguous, but I think I need to do this at least for a while, and basically act more like a persecuted Christian who gets In Big Trouble if they are found out.  

I will of course be me, here.  But that's what I've concluded so far.