Sunday

 I slept OK last night, pretty much, except for Ron asking for the wet wipes in the middle of the night.  He can get on the commode by himself these days which is a huge relief for me (means I can leave him for a few hours at a time), but the wipes had been moved a few inches, I had to get them for him.  I am FINE with that he is handling all that on his own, I just empty the pan.  It isn't the best thing in the world but I am OK with it.  

I have gotten used to it.  I went back to bed and slept OK.  I got up and gave him his medication, tried to to my God Time but had a big hairy Biscuit putting himself out there as GOD and wanting me to pray to HIM instead.  I let him get away with it, even Cleo got up on me.  My alarm went off at 8:50 for my groceries coming at 9, they ran off.  

Apparently they don't much like "Transformers" by Tedashii.  Their loss.  Groceries came on time, they made some substitutions but that was OK.  I got 3 1.25 liters of name brand Diet Coke instead of the generic 2 liter, that was fine.  I put it all away.  It is very easy for me to just put bags down in the house when I am depressed, and a few years back I resolved to put everything away the minute I brought it in the house.  It has worked well for me.  

They brought Ron's acid reducer.  Poor Ron, he is going the way of all seniors and getting more and more medications added to his list.  He is taking 2 seizure pills a day.  Necessary.  One blood pressure pill.  Absolutely necessary.  A multi vitamin.  Necessary considering his diet.  Antioxidants.  Ideal, I think.  Naproxen for his pain.  Necessary.  BUT primary doc said he needs to be on an acid reducer if he takes it long term, so I had to get that.  I found one with tiny little pills taken once a day.  He said the brand didn't matter as long as it was an acid reducer and this was one of the ones he named. It's a good thing Ron has a pills of the week organizer he needs it.  

I can't say enough about his willingness to take everything as directed.  It would be impossible for me if he didn't.  I am going to need to write all this down on a card.  But he will ask me when is his next dose, etc., which is good he is owning his health.  

I read something in my caregiver group the nurse wouldn't go in a home because they had cats.  WTF?  A dog I can understand but a cat will either stare at you, ignore you, or hide.  That is just STUPID.  I hope I don't have to deal with crap like this when I get Ron help.  

I mean, that's the logical progression, we will need to get some help now and then.  But I am pretty happy with him now especially on the seizure pills.  

I remember one time, about 8 years ago, I went out and he was drinking.  I came home and he was passed out on the floor next to his wheelchair, very disoriented.  At the time I chalked it up to the alcohol but I suspect he had a seizure.  These may have been going for a while and I was just missing them.  It is hard to say; but the medication is working great so I am very happy.  

I took a nap but woke up with a vicious headache.  I had to take some Excedrin.  But I did have Cleo with me during the nap.  Ron woke me up because he was cold and wanted me to turn up the thermostat.  I am giving him vitamins so hopefully that will help with the anemia.  I wasn't really annoyed because I did need to get up and take something for the headache anyway.  

When I get a headache I usually wake up to it; and I lie in bed trying to motivate myself to get up and take something.  It can take a little bit when I don't have an alarm.  

Of course these days I have pill time alarms on my cell phone for Ron.  That has been working pretty well.  The worst day so far I forgot to set an alarm but Ron woke me up and I got it anyway, on time.  But I just checked and all my alarms are good.  

Tomorrow I get to wash his hair.  I have some no-rinse shampoo I will try and see if that works.  Hopefully it will as there is no way I am getting Ron in the shower.  We have been doing the bed bath for a while so I am hoping we can just get him in the wheelchair and do his hair that way.  We will see.  Worst case I think the techs have a rubber cap they can put on his head.  

I am unclear whether he had an EEG after the accident, his family were very secretive and met with some of his doctors behind my back.  Like the time my sister in law told me she met with "The brain doctor, and he told me Ron's brain was spinning in his head, and every time the brain turned around it would press on the 'bad spot' and that's what's causing the [coma]."  I was horrified.  What must this poor man have thought of someone so ignorant?  I had no idea how to explain that is not how the brain works at all, but his family were sitting around talking about of course the brain spins around in our heads all day, everyone knows that.  OMG.  

I figured out, on my own, he had a shear injury which was really bad.  His brain actually twisted at the time of the accident, causing the coma, etc.  Instead of a few small areas of damage there was a large area.  But his family would have been even more determined to dump him had they understood this.  I was glad they didn't and I didn't tell them, either.  

Just like I told the nurse "Don't ever tell them he has had a stroke" so they would use terms like ICH.  They had no idea that meant "bleed stroke".  And the family wanted to seem more intelligent so they played like they understood.  

Yes, I had to do this.  But even knowing what they did they were hell bound to put him in a home.  They informed me I WOULD tell the professionals I was unable to take care of Ron, and then they would "have" to place him in a Medicaid home.  I refused to do that.  They went behind my back talking to Ron's doctors saying I was unsuitable.  They were laughed at, God love that doctor.  Then she was told I had "a bad back and could do no lifting" but the doctor told them she had seen me do just that and "Would do fine".  And I think overall he has done pretty well.  

He has harmed himself with drinking but other than that has a pretty good life.  He really enjoys laying in bed with the cats, listening to the radio.  

And I got sneaky.  He said he wanted wine instead of vodka so we did that.  He has to drink more liquid to get the same buzz so his urine actually looks normal now.  Thank God.  I was really worried about his kidneys.  He doesn't realize he has to go NPO (nothing by mouth, food or drink) tomorrow morning at 9.  I will let him know about 8, after I wash his hair.  

Yesterday I told him I was making a Walmart delivery (love them!) order.  He said he wanted "the meat in a cup".  I asked a few questions but couldn't nail it down.  I always try to have his favorites on hand, though, so I did order some Spaghettios with meatballs.  He loves those and wants some for dinner, tonight, actually.  Today, after they arrived, I realized that is what he had requested, but the file that stores names is damaged so he has trouble.  

He can remember the name of a girl he "played" with when he was 15 but doesn't know Spaghettios.  That's just the head injury.  I have to play guessing games sometimes but am pretty good at figuring out what he wants, most times, just because we do have almost 30 years together.  I am just glad we caught the high blood pressure - and that is such a God thing to allow 4 seizures to send us to the hospital where we find he has high blood pressure - before he had another stroke.  That would have been horrible and probably would have put him in a home. 

He is happy I just gave him a one ounce bag of generic brand BBQ potato chips.  He loves BBQ chips and I am not really a fan.  I got a variety pack for my hurricane kit but of course it went east, THANK YOU JESUS and we did not need it.  I ate most of the chips but not the BBQ.  

That's it for now. 

A little hard to pray

With Biscuit on my notebook!

Saturday night

 One thing my parents like to do it tell me to call at a certain time, half the time not available "can we talk tomorrow" always someone else coming first when they "explain".  Then they tell me I need to prioritize myself.   Today it was their oldest grandson, last couple times it was one or all of her sisters.  

I just wish they would pick a random day of the week and say at this time it is Heather's window and we won't let anything impact that unless it really is an emergency.  I would feel very valued.   I set time aside for them, I even make sure to check on Ron and verify he won't need me.  

It would be funny if it weren't so sad.  I didn't sleep well last night, got up, pill time. I was pretty depressed today.  Not fun.  I did decide to break out a bar of my "nice" soap I keep for occasions like this.  I'm not kidding, I really love a nice bar of soap and as I've told you I used to make my own.  

No way I could do that now with these cats.  Bubba didn't care about soap making but Biscuit would be all up in the business, him, Spotty, all of them.  So not safe.  Also it takes a while to use up one bar of nice soap, much less a couple pounds.  By that time I'm sick of it.  

If I didn't have the cats I would look for a soap exchange club where everyone sends me a bar and I send everyone a bar.  I am sure they have something like that.  Anyway I got a nice bar of lavender and used that.  It was very nice, especially as my previous bar had gone mushy and I hate mushy soap.  

One thing I always did when I made soap; add palm kernel oil to make a very nice, hard, bar with excellent lathering.  One time I was sent a bar of "homemade" 100% lard soap that was so awful, it didn't lather, it reeked - it smelled like a fried chicken place.  And it left a sticky residue I hated.  I was sent it in hopes I would order some, but I couldn't, even though I wanted to help the girl out.  I need my vegetable oils in my soap.  

So I had a good shower.  I have been taking care of Ron all day he hasn't needed much as these things go.  I did my God Time and thought about the latest message I have been getting from all my devotionals: to stop trying to carry "my" load and give it to God.  I have had to do this will my illness, and my marriage.  

I have to keep doing this because I was raised the "old world" "It's not that bad, come on, walk it off"  "We NEVER ask for help" etc.  I remember a good example.  My Dad always worked 80 hour weeks.  One day I was off school and I walked upstairs to find him in the hall, outside his bedroom.  I asked him what was wrong, because Dad home in the middle of the day was unheard of.  He told me he had the flu, had gone to work, but been sent home by the boss because they didn't want him sickening the other workers.  And I remember thinking "That is the only reason that makes sense" because Dad NEVER took care of himself.  

And he almost died in his 50's from heart disease as a result.  So I don't want to do that.  Then we have my stepmother bottled everything up and then took it out on me.  Don't want to do that.  Then we have my birth mother didn't take her meds or any care of herself, always looking to others for that.  I don't want to do that.  

I don't want to snap either because I tried to do it all myself.  I heard a good sermon once.  It was about the willow vs.the oak.  He said the willow hardly ever breaks, why, because it bends with the wind.  The oak resists until the branches snap.  He said we needed to bend with life's pressures and give it to God,and that is one thing I am hearing again and again these days.  

I hope I am smart enough to listen.  

So I took a nap, with Cleo, who was as always precious AND adorable.  She is very skittish, probably will always be, but was super cuddly for a cat, sleeping with me.  I had a good nap but woke up with an excruciating headache.   I took something for it, got up, felt a little better, and ordered some stuffed crust pizza.  That was good and I have plenty for tomorrow, too.  

Ron had his chicken bacon ranch sandwich yesterday and this morning, then some pizza with his medication.  

One thing I am seeing our diet is horrible.  I am writing everything down and it needs improvement.  We do take supplements in addition to our prescriptions, though, getting antioxidants and a multi at least in addition to our diet.  

I am having some digestive issues related to my medication and drinking some Gatorade as a result.  I have the powder which I like, it is very easy to store.  2 scoops in my half gallon cup and I am good to go.  Walmart grocery has several flavors.  I don't love the taste but I love staying out of the ER.  And it is easy to get dehydrated on lithium.  It works great for me but is pretty harsh.  

I also stripped Ron's bed and washed everything.  He basically lives in bed so it is better to just do it all 2x a week, which I read online, and lined up pretty much with what I was doing.  It's not like he is having accidents that often, but he sweats, eats, etc.  The cats get up there.  So a good idea to wash it.  He is good about waiting while I do that.  

I am very subtle with detergents as well.  He is happy; I'm happy.  I use the poly/cotton blend sheets for Ron.  In a perfect world I would use 100% cotton or bamboo but I need a quantity of cheap sheets.  I actually wish listed some.  

We may be getting a payout, if so Ron said he will give me some.  (It is coming to him).  If I do get some I will probably buy him this: Definitely on the list!

Heather, what will you buy yourself if you do get a little cash?  Not counting the blood test, taking the cats for vaccines, a few more home care things...I can't think of anything off hand.  That is a good place to be.  I'm not constantly wanting things.  

I might hunt around and get some of the really nice soap from Swanson.  I could easily spend some (to me, over $20 and less than $50) money there.  I have to get refills on Ron's vitamin C and my menopause herbs anyway.  I have powdered C I take for myself and then I give Ron a 500 mg capsule with his pills 2x a day.  He is fine doing that and it doesn't interact.  I checked.  

The great thing about fancy soap: I need it anyway, it is a way to get nice scents without aggravating Ron, and I use it up.  A collectible, for instance the coffee cups I used to collect,take up a huge amount of space. You buy one it is with you forever.  Soap is only there for a couple of weeks and then gone.  I like that.  

I really don't want to have that awful hoarded house.  Is my home going to be perfect?  No, but it is clean and organized (enough) for me.  I can find things quickly.  I like that.  

So I had my day and then my stepmother texted her grandson was swinging by and would talk to me tomorrow.  Things are always coming up with the rest of the family I am just baffled WHY they keep asking me to call on a day they are not often available?  Maybe they don't want to talk?  

And I felt like God was reminding me if I open an empty bottle it is going to be empty.  Don't look for water in an empty bottle you will not find it.  Only God has 100% NOT let me down, compared to humans.  

My great niece told me a while back she was pregnant but asked me to keep it quiet.  She just came out on Facebook, she has a nice little tummy already.  She will make a great Mom.  I am very happy for her.  She's a good kid and I wish her well.  

My mother would have adored her, the baby would have been her great-great grandchild.  

I ate my pizza, took my meds, and gave Ron his.  Sometimes I feel like all we are doing is taking medication but we are keeping you taxpayers solvent because it would be expensive to house us in an institution.  

I made a Walmart delivery order for tomorrow.  I don't have a nice list of fruits and vegetables but I did get some things like precooked frozen hamburgers, Ron had said he wanted a hamburger when I asked about groceries.  I love canned peas, why am I not eating them?  I couldn't tell you but I got a couple cans of them,too.  

I checked the mail and had a very nice surprise, a really cute card, an encouraging note, and some gift cards from my secret pal!  I was really happy to see it, God always seems to put it on her when I need a boost.  

And I am going to spend that Walmart card on something fun for me if it kills me!   I might get some Dr Bronners peppermint soap.  I will have to check my stash first and make sure I don't have any already (it is all kept in an opaque envelope).  

Biscuit is nearby being cute.  He actually cleaned his butt today.  Some days he just doesn't feel like it, I can relate.  Do I think he has depression?  No, but he is a big guy and it is not easy for him to get back there.  One reason the vet put him on a diet when I had him boarded.  I thought that was kind of mean, reducing his food when he was stressed out.  He was sure happy to go home to the food bowl!  He was pretty freaked about all the drywall holes at first but they got used to it.  

We had one hole in my bedroom (actually all around the perimeter as it was ground zero) between my bedroom and the bathroom wall, under the bathtub.  Of course all the cats had to go under there and Torbie really loved it under there.  I was so worried she was going to get bricked up under there like the Cask of Amontillado.  But happily they all fled outside whenever Carlos & company came and that worked out very well.  

In fact I could tell when he pulled up (the van was quiet) because Biscuit would growl loudly, run, and hide outside.  It was pretty funny for me.  And the cats were great about the paint, I think it helped we used the good paint so it dried fast and then we ran the heater (it was a little cool out) as well.  

I will have to talk to Ron about fixing up his room.  It is important to have an emergency fund and some basic supplies (more home care things, etc.) before we make any big purchases.  But it will look so nice when it's done up.  

That is really the nice thing about marriage to a blind man, I can decorate however I want.  I have a lot of bright colors.  I am glad I did the cream walls in the bedroom, in the unlikely event I get tired of the purple curtains I can just trade them out.  It works because I have them on both walls, the closet wall and the sliding glass door.  

Oh, a funny story.  Ron was asking me what room had the biggest window and most exposure to outside.  My room, I told him, because I have the sliding glass door.  He smirked.  But, I told him, HE had a huge oak tree about 60 feet from his bed in the house behind us' yard.  He stopped grinning!  Happily it didn't matter, the storm went elsewhere.  

And the washer is almost done which means I can go.  I always want a clean, dry, sheet for Ron's bed if it comes to it, one time I had to put one on his bed, it was still damp (hadn't dried all the way) and I felt really bad about it.  He didn't notice but I promised then I would not go to bed unless the sheet was in the dryer with at least 45 minutes on the timer.  

I try to cover all the details.  

Friday

 As far as I recall I slept OK last night.  I got up, took care of Ron (as much as he'd let me).  In some ways he is doing very well he does do what he can for himself in a safe way.  That is a relief and a load off me.  

He was very sweet most of the day but snapped at me just now.  He was hurting and generally is very good about apologizing.  He just doesn't understand you can't just shovel NSAIDS endlessly down your gullet.  His primary is worried about an ulcer, in fact.  I need to research an acid reducer for that but I know one of them caused kidney failure?  So gotta be careful.  

Anyway I got Ron done up, did my God Time, and went to work.  The bottled vendor was still working, praise God.  I stocked it, and everything else I could.  I took the money out of the machines.  I sorted change and put the quarters into the bill changer.  I left and called Jack.  

With Jack, I can run through a drive through, he doesn't mind.  I did that and got Ron a burger.  He actually answered when I called him this time, I was shocked, he was very cute/sweet on the phone.  So I got him what he wanted: a double cheeseburger, no pickles.  I got myself a fried chicken sandwich.  It was pretty good.  

I came home.  I got in the house OK and did some more Ron care, then I got dizzy all of a sudden.  I sat down and took my blood pressure, which was fine (110/64 I believe), so that wasn't it.  I had just eaten the sandwich so it wasn't my blood sugar (I didn't check).  I laid down for a while and that helped.  I do feel better but still a little "off".  Probably my medication.  I take some hard core stuff so I am not overly worried.  

I used to have - this - whatever it is, a lot when I first started on my cocktail (the 4 medications I take for my condition).  It would get pretty bad at times, one time I was walking with Ron (who could walk, at the time), I had to shove him into a parked car as I grabbed onto it for balance.  The paratransit driver didn't understand and thought I had "run" him into the car "on purpose".  I didn't bother to explain.  So I'm not overly worried.  Dizziness and lightheadness are common side effects with my meds, I have just been "lucky" lately.  

And we can't forget I am nearing the end of the road for fertility.  One thing I have learned from my group a lot of women have very extreme symptoms for quite some time before it all ends.  Others end up on hormones for decades to stave it off.  So whacky hormones (I should be ovulating about now) can play a factor too.  

Am I seeing it, whatever it is, as a big deal?  No.  But I do need to get that blood test.  But I am not worried as I have dealt with this in the past.  It comes, it goes.  

Ron did say I should get some Uber eats for dinner.  He had the burger today, he's good.  But I might.  I have cold protein shakes but bleh.  

He is back to his sweet self, did not apologize but that is OK.  

Once I got up I did 2 things, I counted the money, and then I did a load of laundry.  The money had touched my clothes and I didn't want to wear it again as that, I consider, as "dirty".  I know some people bleaching their milk cartons from the grocery store but I don't do any of that.  I will wash my clothes after I count the money, though.  And my hands.  While I was at it I took a shower.  

I would have taken it, ideally, when I got home from work but I just didn't feel up to it.  Then I did the clothes.  They are agitating right now.  I do have a rule about washing clothes that touch money.  

For instance, one bill I counted today was covered in some sort of black stuff, marker on other bills.  That is apparently a tradition for some people, on their birthday they pin a dollar to their shoulder/chest and then everyone else comes along and adds money to it, taping it onto the bill before.  They often write well-wishes on the bill with a marker.  Which banks HATE.  They do accept the bill, they have to, but the put it in the "ruined" envelope.  I don't really care as long as the bank is taking the bill.  

I think the worst bill, and I've discussed this, was the ill tempered customer who soaked a bill in bacon grease and threatened to put it in our best selling vending machine (it would have ruined the bill acceptor) because "It's the only one I have and I want a drink" trying to strong arm me into giving her a free drink.  I took that horrible slimy thing from her (she wasn't expecting that) and sold her the drink.  She never did it again and I threw away the bill when no one was looking.  I would have been ashamed to take that to the bank.  I have also had bills with food/blood on them.  It sure LOOKED like blood.  I try not to look too closely but I assure you I wash my hands thoroughly after I handle the cash.  

Ick.  I'm getting the crawlies just writing about it.  And I am not Mrs. Clean.  The house is decent but not immaculate.  But I do draw the line at cash, it is dirty.  I remember times the ink would stain my fingers.  What else is coming off those bills?  

Anyway I got all that and just put the clothes in the dryer.  Let me tell you, that washer can sure agitate.  

I was really happy I got my God Time in before I went to work, sometimes I slack on that but not today.  I have a huge stack of study Bibles/devotionals if quantity = piety than I am devout!  But I just want to know I am in God's will and doing what pleases Him.  That is all.  I find it encouraging all my books/Bibles are showing signs of wear.  I have a near mint condition Bible given to my grandmother when she graduated high school, it is apparent she never read it.  I want a bunch of raggedy, falling apart Bibles.  In fact two of my Bibles have sections falling/fell out.  I would retire the one Bible (I did, the other) but I don't think they make it any more.  Let me look.  

They have it but only in a paperback.  That's not going to work for consistent (I hope) daily usage.... I will have to think about it.  They did have an imitation leather which I put on my wish list if I want, later.  It is just a little sad December 31 falls out every time I open the Bible.  But God would rather I read the Bible 'till it falls apart than have a nice pretty one like my grandmother's.  I mean, it meant enough to her she kept it all those years (70) but she never touched it and that is very sad.  

But I can understand why she was bitter, she had a hard life.  She lost her parents at a young age, and went to an orphanage with her younger sister, who was one of those bright, vivacious, children everyone loves.  An aunt was supposed to adopt my grandmother but took the little girl instead.  My grandmother moves on, graduates college (I believe), became a mathematician, met a nice young man in the military, got married, got pregnant, SAW HIM DIE before her eyes, his family screwed her out of the pension (he forgot to change the beneficiary), battled with his family for years, they refused to support her or their child (my mother), it was a horrible life, really.  And she had schizophrenia (diagnosed but not accepted) so that affected everything too.  

God could have helped if she had leaned on Him; that's all I will say.  I would hate to walk that road with only my bitterness but that is the life she chose for herself.  It is not surprising that, raised in that house, my mother ran off at age 12, got pregnant, and married her first husband.  She had 2 children before she turned 15, I am sure my grandmother was just thrilled about that!  

Which is one reason I do pray for family, I worry about my brother, he was badly burned by someone professing Jesus and is totally turned off now.  He did take a Bible after his accident when he was recovering.  So I have that at least to console me, he has that.  But I do pray for unsaved family and friends because I do worry about them, particularly my brother and his granddaughter, a very bright and sweet young lady.  I should let her (we are Facebook friends) know I am praying for her daily.  

So some of my Bibles are falling apart.  I did ask, a few years ago, and my Dad bought me a very nice hardback Chronological NKJV daily Bible.  The Bible is in chronological order so you might have a passage from 2 Kings and then Jeremiah.  My other daily Bible is a "canoniacal" one and it just goes in the standard order, I am in Job right now.  I always seem to be battling depression when I am in Job but the BEST passage for me today:  

Job 29:15 NKJV

I was eyes to the blind; 

I was feet to the lame.  

That is exactly my life!  I had a good laugh over that.  

But Ron does do what he can for himself.  Sometimes, though, for instance, I will feed him if it is a messy food because I don't want to clean him/everything else up.  But he should be good on food for today.  

I may see if I can take the Bible to a book binder and have them redo the binding.  They don't make it in a hardback anymore so it might be worth it.  I will have to pray on it.  Or I can put it "out there" I would like the imitation leather as a gift and someone get me that.  

I like to let people know what I want, that way I get something I want.  My sister had a bad habit of sending me all these little dustcatchers, they were cute but I don't have room for that in my house.  I would have rather gotten a couple of economy Bibles to hand out.  

Some, completely AWESOME people, would send me whole cases of Bibles.  Everyone in the world has my address because that's all it took "Let me send you a case of Bibles" and they always did.  One guy and I got into a discussion about kjv vs other translations and I said "If you want me to hand out KJV send me some" and I'll be damned but he did, I think 3 cases.  And I did hand them out.  I always loved finding those on the porch, that's a gift I'd get excited about.  

Lately God has me more at home but I will get those Bibles distributed.  I have about 5 cases.  

But, for some reason, family just HATED the idea of getting me Bibles to hand out.  My aunt got me a case of Gospels of John in Spanish but the rest of them wouldn't do it.  That was 250, it took me a while to hand them out but I did it.  I liked they were small and fit easily in my bag, so I could fill up the bag with English and still have room for the Spanish.  Because I want to serve everyone.  One time I was able to hand out a Vietnamese scripture booklet, that was so cool.  He didn't think I had anything for him (laughing).  But God had other plans!  I am glad I listened when He told me to put it in my bag that morning.  

But I am happy with what I have re: study materials.  I spend about half my time listening (reading the materials) and half my time talking (intercessory prayer for virtually everything you can imagine).  And, happy to say, have been doing this off and on for over 11 years.  I am glad I have been able to dig in and do this now.  It feels like a good use of my time, an investment in eternity.  

Now, as Golgotha (the place Jesus got crucified) shows, even a last minute gasp for help by a sinner gets you into heaven.  But I would like to carry a relationship with me when I do go.  

I need to go figure out dinner; I'm going to go.  

Thursday

 I slept pretty well considering a huge hurricane, a Cat 4 at that, was making landfall just a couple hundred miles away.  We did not have any weather out of it as far as I could tell and the ground was dry outside this morning.  

I got up, took care of Ron.  I find it encouraging he asks about his seizure pill, is it time?  Have I already had it?  Etc.  So many patients really fight the medication which is the worst thing you can do.  He is very compliant and even takes vitamins with it.  

I have him on: 

AM:Seizure pill, blood pressure med, multi with iron (his is low), 500 mg Vitamin C, Naproxen (prescription 500 mg)

PM: Seizure pill, Naproxen, Vitamin C, Vitamin E (400 mg).  That's it.  He is very good about taking it all and I feel good about it, I think that covers all the bases as well as I can on minimal doses.  

Just for fun I will tell you what I take, in case you were curious (you can always scroll).  

Morning: Ginger root capsule, 2 Wild Yam (herb) capsules, one Dong Quai, multivitamin, 150 mg Wellbutrin.  

Evening: Lithium, Depakote, Risperdal (bipolar meds), ginger root, Vitamin A (I get boils if I don't).  

That's it.  I donated one of my pills of the week organizers to Ron because he had enough meds going he needed them.  And God knows I do NOT want to screw this up with everyone watching, and you have to be, as far as I know, VERY careful with seizure meds dosing.  It wouldn't be a good idea to miss the blood pressure pill, either, or a pain pill for that matter.  

But Ron's pain is OK on this, I asked him today and he was fine.  I would like another pills of the week for me but it can wait.  I think he just (I am not an expert by any means) needs something for the breakthrough pain on Really Bad days.  But I am not an expert.  

So I got up and put everything back in the yard (3 trash cans, 2 chairs).  I had it in the garage with the door shut.  After I took care of Ron of course.  Pretty quiet morning.  

I am hoping I can find a ministry headed out to the damaged area, that would like some Bibles to distribute.  Sometimes people seek God in really bad times, and are more likely to take a Bible from someone actually helping them (food, storm cleanup).  And a lot of churches, happily, do that.  So if I can help that would rock.  

We will see, if God wants it to happen it will.  But I would like to get the Bibles into hands and off the shelf.  

Ron has slept most of the day, he was pretty distraught this morning hearing about the storm damage in Louisiana.  He has a very tender heart at times and was really broken up.  I told him I am trying to get some Bibles to them and that helped calm him down.  He just hates to hear about people suffering.  After that he has slept except for asking me if it was pill time.  

He did tell me he didn't like me waking him up with food, so I tell him it is pill time and he wakes up, then I give him the food and medication.  He is very good about that; he doesn't want another seizure.  He really felt like crap after he had 4 in one night... I mean he didn't sleep and he thrashed around so hard he pulled most of his muscles.  Plus groggy the next day.  Not any fun for him at all.  

Not any fun for me, either. So I am reducing his alcohol intake, he is down to about half of what he was doing, which was still a lot.  No bottle next to the bed.  He gets portioned amounts.  It is not ideal but it's what we worked out.  

He accepts it, he isn't stupid, he knows any other option is going to dry him out entirely.  There is a line in the Bible about "wine for the perishing".  So I do think of that.  His life sucks pretty bad.  He's blind, he can't even use the toilet - he has to use the plastic one I put next to the bed, etc.  He needs help with virtually everything.  

Now, in a pinch, I think he could do for himself somewhat but I'm not going to put him to the test.  For instance, he has snacks next to his bed, and drinks.  He would be OK for days on those if he didn't have to worry about the seizure pills.  I am still trying to figure out a way for him to do the seizure pill if I can't make it home for some reason.  

He isn't having blackouts any more so it would be safe to put a couple tablets next to his bed somehow... I just need to figure that out.  But I keep going back to, if I am hurt, I will need the hospital social worker ASAP so they could do an emergency placement on Ron.  

The cats are good.  Do you know I never pick them up?  I bend over and pet them, they get on me when I'm sitting, or they get on me when I am laying in bed.  That is it.  And they get lots of petting.  I like it when they get on me in bed, that is my favorite, and Spotty and Cleo are very good about that.  I think it is better to put affection in their paws and not force it.  That's akin to rape in my book, and I don't want a struggling animal trying to get away anyway.  That's how I do it at any rate.  

Ron is in bed most of the time so they just climb up next to him and head-butt him for pats.  Torbie and Baby Girl mainly but Spotty and Biscuit do get up.  Cleo is scared of Ron's room, I suspect Baby Girl beat her up and chased her off.  

So the cats are good, that's nice.  Ron had said something about going to work tomorrow, and it would not be a long day for me anyway, so I made paratransit trips.  I will ask later tonight and if he doesn't want to go I can cancel and take a Uber.  

Since I am a Platinum level (laugh) they let me get extra points on any one route, so I picked work/home.  I do that a lot.  Jack can help some times but not always, he is an entrepreneur and always has a side hustle going - I admire that.  He is not a hustler but he is always looking.  

Oh, Spotty, using the litter box right next to my chair... pretty potent.  He was tested for infection and worms but his poop is just more potent than the other cats'.  That is fine he is still a sweet boy.  Half the time Biscuit does not clean his butt and I still love him, stinky poops are not a deal killer.  

The only problem I love scents and Ron can't stand them.  He was even agitated at the doctor's office when I washed my hands at their sink and the soap was very strongly scented.  So no plug in or spray for me.  Cats are very sensitive to smell and I wouldn't want plug ins anyway I would worry it was upsetting to them.  So I just let it dissipate and scoop frequently.  

I do still use nicely scented soaps, those are always fun.  I still have some of the Wildflower soap I was given for Christmas.  That's nice, and I have some other stuff too.  Walmart has the Dr Bronners peppermint or lavender soaps.  And Swanson Vitamin has some VERY nice soaps for very reasonable prices.  I am getting supplements anyway, it is very easy to throw a bar of something in the order.  

Between us I am really glad Ron is taking the multi and some extra C every day, especially as he goes out more. I feel much better about doing that, knowing I have done what I can for his immunity.  He NEVER eats sugar (he will rarely have a Coke or some pineapple juice) which is also awesome.  

That takes a load off, as he HAD been VERY resistant to taking any sort of supplement.  I would rather he drink a couple bottles of water every day, but I am mostly satisfied with his progress.  

I need to figure out dinner.  Ron has spaghettios he has been on a real kick (the rings, with meatballs).  So what am I having?  Don't know, battling some depression so I need brain food but what?  

If I did win the lotto I would hire a personal chef to deliver meals to me a few times a week.  A nice medium steak, a chef salad, you get the idea.  Also an organizer to help me.  Things are pretty reasonable in the house but I can always use help.  Get Ron's room "done up" he doesn't care he has holes in his drywall and a horrible carpet but I do, but we agree we are not spending the very last of our savings on a remodel when we may need it for expenses.  He can go in this room for years, no problem, and I will say it made things super easy for the plumber when he did the shower fixture.  He could work easily because it was already exposed.  Actually (laugh) he took a little MORE drywall but what's another square foot?  

Eventually though we will get it.  I am not looking forward to it because I will need to clear his room.  Ugh that will suck moving his bed.  I am trying not to put anything in the orange room because that's where I'll move him for the remodel, then put him back.  

I will paint the room a bright turquoise with white accents.  Same floors as I have in the other 2 rooms "Bourbon Barrel" room color "Fiji" by Behr (use the good paint in a semi gloss for easy cleaning).  Get him a little white dresser (3 drawer), and ideally some black or turquoise sheets.  The bookcase works for him so I would just keep it.  

I have it all in my head but I have to be careful with money.  Now, if someone wants to come in and do it, for free, great.  I would accept.  But that is not likely.  

I would be a little leery of having an amateur do the flooring, for instance.  Especially considering what I will pay for it!  I am pretty thrifty in most aspects.  

I think I will do macaroni and beef for dinner tonight, that sounds the most appetizing.  

Wednesday afternoon

 I don't believe in "luck".  Some people will likely say how "lucky" it was the storm is going east, but I don't believe that.  I believe God steered it away from Houston because we have 6 million here and it would have been chaos.  It didn't go to New Orleans, either.  

I do have a headache today.  I took something when I got up this morning, but after my nap it came back so I took more Excedrin (good luck sleeping tonight) and added my Gatorade powder (that is a good basic for anyone to have) to some icy cold tap water I keep in the fridge.  I don't have the "water in the door" I have a very basic fridge but it does the job: keeping things cold, very well.  

Ron had pretty severe knee pain in both knees.  He has arthritis and one doctor described his knees as "very crunchy".  He was pretty bad this morning but the naproxen and the topicals helped.  I got some cream for him, lidocaine cream, and generic Aspercreme.  They were about $4 each and he says they helped "some".  He is sleeping now and he wouldn't be able to if he had severe pain.  

It is just the pressure changes for both of us, they do get us on occasion.  Plus we are both under a lot of stress.  Ron was saying he was disappointed it was going to miss it.  I told him to shut up!  

He ate pretty good today so I was happy, took all his medication. I need to set the alarm for 8 PM.  Did that.  

Now, I have to tell you something adorable.  I never had fears of the dark, monsters under the bed, etc.  I always had very vivid nightmares.  But I do find it startling, every time I go into the bedroom Spotty comes out from under the bed, meowing, to say hello.  If I lie down in bed he joins me for petting.  But he only does it in the bedroom.  The rest of the time it's like I don't exist.  I think it's cute but he startles me every time.  

I did get a decent nap, caffeine intake is not what my doctor suggested but not too bad.  I need to figure out dinner so I can do pill time. 

That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

 Here is a link with the latest on the hurricane:  Weather channel link

Happily it looks to be passing "enough" east of us to avoid all the chaos.  I still had a nightmare about a tree falling on the house.  Ron was a little needy, he wanted juice in the middle of the night which I gave him (he doesn't get enough fluids), then he wanted a snack around 1 AM.  I was OK with that.  

I did almost oversleep Seizure Pill Time because I forgot to turn on my alarm.  Eeek!  I don't worry about the blood pressure or the naproxen you have a window of hours there but not with the seizure pill.  To my understanding, even a little late can precipitate a seizure.  

A friend of a friend had that happen, he was at a small restaurant he really enjoyed when the seizure hit, a grand mal, and the owner said it was "bad spirits" and banned him from the restaurant.  Some cultures really think it is a demon possession issue.  I do not think that is the case with Ron.  It is possible with others but for Ron he got a massive whack on the head.  

When I think about it I am amazed he did not have a skull fracture.  When I said "Temporal lobe damage" to the primary doctor he went "Ah!"  It is that common.  

So I live with it.  It is really not bad at all now, I am just diligent about that pill.  Happily 90% of the time I can go to work after I give Ron his medication.  

So I got him done up and the trash guys, God love 'em, came early and took it all away.  I put the cans in the garage (it is attached and enclosed), along with the yard chairs.  So I am as ready as I can be.  

It is pretty mild out, alternating sun and clouds right now.  None of my neighbors seem to be overly concerned but #8 did start putting on a new roof yesterday.  I don't know if that was previously planned or spur of the moment but cutting it close either way.  

There is a main street in my subdivision and a few weeks ago I noticed one of those "one guy with a truck" contractor guys re roofing someone's house, he took forever.  We had a storm front come through about a week ago and the next day he was out there again, likely fixing leaks.  So the moral of that is hire a decent roofing company.  We have one we used before we bought the house and that has been a good roof.  So would use them again.  It's your roof, you really don't want to mess with that.  Just like you don't want to mess with plumbing.  

I still don't get why ARS came out and told me I did not have a pipe leak when I clearly did, then turned my water ON again and made a point of telling me I would see more water and a bigger stain on the wall before "it got better".  Damned straight.  Roto rooter came right out and fixed it that day, within an hour.  Because of that they got the contract to repipe the house.  

And do the water cleanup.  So it worked out really well for them.  And I gave them a sparkling review on Google.  I tore ARS a new one and I will NEVER call them again.  

Glad I have all new, reliable, plumbing.  

I really did not sleep well last night so I am going to take a nap.  More later.  

Well you know it's bad when they cancel the bus and paratransit

 I slept OK last night.  Good thing as we have pretty high odds of getting a hurricane tomorrow.   

Oh, I don't like that map.  Let me be clear: I am about as well equipped as possible, considering my situation.  That I am not able to drive.  That Ron is effectively bed bound.  That I have 5 cats, live 9 inches in a flood plain, etc.  

But we are not going to starve or run out of medication.  I even set up a backup water bowl for the cats as the first one may die when we lose power.  And if it really is a Cat 3, nearby, we will.  So I've done what I can.  

But damn I'd like someone to say "Oh, Heather, you poor thing, this has been a terrible year for you.  Here's a hug, and I am going to run through a drive through and get you and Ron some lunch, what would you like?"  

Instead everyone is telling me how strong I am.  I'm not, I'm really not.  I am good at fronting.  Kind of grew up in the wild there, where showing weakness got me eaten, so I front.  And most of it is I trust God to take care of me and use common sense.  

I mean, who, living through this year, in Houston, is NOT a prepper?  Who doesn't have some extra soap, tampons, dish washing liquid?  Canned food and a case of water?  I think everyone is, and I ramped up a little from where I had been a year or two ago.  

I have a good amount of supplies, not to much, not too little.  So we are OK re: supplies.  And medication.  The only problem I had with medication Ron overate some pork rinds today and didn't want any dinner.  He did take the seizure pill but that's it, no pain pill which I would have really WANTED on board, but it's Ron's call.  I will keep it around.  

Anyway I have a month of the Naproxyn (pain pill for Ron, non narcotic and won't cause seizures like the Tramadol), and 3 months each of seizure and blood pressure medications.  I have about 3 months of all my stuff.  So that's good for medication.  

Water I have "plenty" for a few days if we lose it.  Ron hardly drinks 20 ounces a day (I am working on that) so we are fine.  Plenty for the cats, too, they drink about a quart a day all of them together.  

And litter, lots of that, I just cleaned the boxes today.  Tomorrow night I will close the cat door once I ensure they're all inside.  I plan to remove the panel and lock the sliding glass door.  We are going to have some wind for sure so that's a good idea.  It's not the most sturdy arrangement.  

So I am equipped but mentally?  Not where I would like to be.  I am worried about various trees around my home, 2 in my yard, 2 in other yards but large enough to affect me.  I am moderately worried about them.  I am not worried about flooding.  From what I understand the rainfall for us will be measured in meager inches, our flood control systems can handle that.  We have a huge flood control project in progress nearby.  

So it's still a big storm and can wreak a lot of havoc.  I have had work troubles, root canal, pipe break, Ron develop epilepsy, insurance claim, remodel/repair home, more work troubles, etc. just in the last year.  I feel worn out.  I am at THREAT LEVEL: RED all the time now it feels.  

And I am not the only one, I think pretty much everyone is at this point.  I am not going to say "Poor Baby Me I have it worse than everyone".  I have it harder than some and easier than others.  

One thing I keep reading in the caregiver group: abysmal treatment of loved ones in nursing homes.  So that is The Last Resort as far as I'm concerned, for Ron I might as well shoot him in the head - and that's how I felt back in 2003 when I volunteered to "take" him.  Ron is happy at home with his cats, his radio, etc.  He is clean, fed, medicated, loved.  I don't think any home can compete with that.   

I'm just tired of waiting for the next blow, I feel like I'm curled up with my arms over my head, bruised and bleeding, just waiting for the next strike or kick.  Will it be the cats?  Ron again?  I actually set up a 911 profile with Harris county, you can do that.  I put down all the information for me and Ron so if I have to call it pulls up automatically and I don't have to remember the name of the blood pressure pill or how much of it.  Or even what I take.  God knows what situation could be.  

I even picked out a spot in the yard when Torbie dies, to bury her because no one I know is going to want to transport a dead cat to the vet for disposal.  No one.  I suppose I could sneak her in a Uber with a duffel bag but I wouldn't do that to the driver, most of them have very nice rides... but I see her slowing down and I wonder.  

I wonder about my own health I am under a lot of stress.  I think: Ron could go about 11 hours without me.  Any longer than that we are in trouble.  That's a big load to carry.  I mean, think of it, something happens to me I have to tell the ER to get a social worker PRONTO.  And Ron would need an emergency placement.  They have people who do this thank God but still... The cats would be fine for a while, especially with the new water bowl.  

I worry about the house there are a million things that can go wrong there, and even more that can go wrong with vending machines!   Lots on my plate! 

And everyone is telling me how strong I am.  Really, I'm not, poor Jesus is carrying me on His back through all of this.  I'm just hanging on for dear life, trying not to pull His hair, screaming in His ear most likely...  

I wouldn't want to be Him for anything!  

Monday

 Busy day.  Ron had a rough night and I overslept.  I took him to the doctor.  While in the waiting room he kept rubbing his left knee, which was swollen.  

Doc had a look at his numbers, wrote a 3 month for the Norvasc.  No one wants Ron off blood pressure pills and stroking out.  Most of all me.  

Then he had a look at Ron's knee.  It was pretty ugly, he didn't hit it, it just blew up.  It suffered damage in the accident (trauma) but has never had issues until today.  Ron was so desperate he asked for a shot, which he got.  He also got a prescription for Aleve in addition to the Norvasc, which has been great for him.  His blood pressure was higher today due to knee pain.  

Doc wrote orders for blood work, we will come back and do that.  

We came home, Ron went to bed.  The pharmacy sent me a text they had his medication, so I told Ron goodbye.  He begged me to buy him a heating pad?!  So I made him a sock with some rice in it, heated that up and put it on him, he liked that.  The old heating pad drowned during the flood and I hadn't gotten a new one.  

I had a little work finding a ride to Walmart but I did, got the medication ($40 for 3 months), and did some shopping.  I got various hurricane snacks and more soda.  I find I am more a salty snack person when stressed.  I got Ron 2 different kinds of pain relieving cream, they had plenty of that.  They didn't have any canned pasta or meat.  I checked out and came home.  

Ron was asleep which is good, he was in extreme pain earlier.  Oh, we got a referral to "ortho".  Ron heard about the injection they can do to plump up the cushion in joints, he said he would like that but does not want any kind of surgery.  I am with him, and to be honest, with high blood pressure, his age, and seizures they probably will never operate again unless it is life threatening.  My Dad does not have seizures but other issues and the doctors have basically told him he is not getting any operations.  

An example, my grandmother was in her 80's when her back went out, requiring surgery.  The surgery, basically, killed her.  

Although poor Dad is out of luck if he gets sick because there is no way I can visit.  He knows that.  

I may at some point get something going with social services so I can call for respite if I do need to travel.  I believe Medicare will pay for that, or if I am just so burnt out I am crispy and need a couple days on the beach.  Happily not at that point yet.  

I will check the mail in about an hour, I managed to get Ron's bed stripped so I could wash the bedding.  I am doing my "Soak in washing soda, baking soda, one detergent pak; then run a standard cycle with another pak" thing, that always results in fresh, clean, bedding for Ron.  My bed doesn't really get dirty unless I have a tampon leak, I run a box fan pointed at the bed at night with minimal covers so I am not overheated.  

That, and the herbs (dong quai and wild yam) have helped a lot with hot flash issues and even my skin is back to normal.  My skin has always been on the oily side, I get that from my Dad.  It got very dry for a while but is back to how it used to be.  

I haven't figured out my dinner, I was so busy thinking about the rest of the week, Ron's pain issues, non perishable food, etc.  But I am sure I have something tasty in the freezer.  I wish now I had got a couple hamburgers. But hindsight is 20/20.  Let me go look, worst case I have a cold protein shake.  

I have a lot of frozen, raw, ground meat.  The hard boiled eggs went out of code.  So it looks like protein shake for me.  That is fine.  The good news I do have plenty of snacks for both of us when the storms hit.  Presumably we will lose power and I won't want to be opening the fridge and freezer.  And I can't heat things up in the microwave if we don't have power... 

Boo-hoo.  Looks like a protein shake for dinner.  That is fine I am not super hungry anyway.  I will save my snacks for tomorrow, etc. during the actual storms.  Although I would hope I would not eat 18, one ounce, bags of chips in a week!  

Mailman is coming down the street, I will give him (?) some time and then go check it.  I am hoping Ron got his books.  I did charge his talking book machine (it has an internal battery) so he can read even if we don't have power.  I need to do my God Time and clean the litter boxes as well, finish the laundry.  I want the laundry in particular all done before the storm hits.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday

 I slept OK once I got to bed.  Ron has been OK about the alcohol regulation.  The bedpan came today while I was at work.  No one stole it (ha ha).  

I got up, took my shower, did my God Time.  When 10 rolled around I gave Ron his pills.  He tried taking them with lemonade and that did not work very well, so we are back to taking them with food.  He did get them down which is good as we don't have a lot of blood pressure pills.  

It took me a while, charging Ron's cell phone, but I got that done and then off to work.  Jack couldn't help so I took a Uber.  First ride was good, he was covered in tats but I didn't care.  I told him "Normally I warn my drivers my drop is in a bad area but I think you can handle yourself".  I got to work, stocked what I could, saw the repairman again, hopefully got it fixed for good, called Jack (he was busy working on his sister in law's rental house), hailed another Uber, came home.  

It was a rather exciting ride, I could probably get the guy fired because he took his mask off and ate a taco while driving (driver was white), and ranting about the president.  Now, personally I like the president, but I understand he is an acquired taste.  I like his stance on the major issues.  There, I said it.  

But I NEVER discuss this, because, as I told Arturo, it just gets both parties upset (I didn't tell A. I was a Trump supporter but he has probably guessed).  However, I was very concerned at this guy.  

I probably should have given him a bad rating but he was an old man and how else is he going to earn a living?  And maybe he has blood sugar issues and just listened to a political diatribe on talk radio.  I started to ask God for help but then told him (quietly) I knew He had my back but could He please remind me?  And I felt better.  

I couldn't wait to get out of that car but that is very uncommon with Uber.  I don't blame the service.  

Ron was fine which made me feel better.  I feel better and better about leaving him.  That is really important that I am able to run out now and then.  

Now, last night I told Ron he needs to reduce the alcohol but I will not cut it off entirely.  He said he understood and accepted that.  He was almost out of vodka (he is terrible about inventory control when it comes to alcohol).  So, once I got settled - took off my badge and keys - and I have a huge key ring, I called Arturo.  

We went to the liquor store, he waited.  I got Ron's vodka (the last of it, always a big run on the liquor stores with a hurricane) and some small single size portion bottles.  It is a pain measuring out 1-2 servings and putting it in a bottle.  A lot easier to just hand him a small bottle.  I got an assortment and the big vanilla vodka.  Some young black men asked me if I was having a party.  I told them no it was for my husband, and made a joke it wouldn't last long.  They said "Man, brother is hardcore" and we all laughed.  I checked out.  

I had been battling a nasty headache since I found out the bottled vendor was acting up again.  I was finally hungry so I had Arturo go through a drive through and I got some quesadillas.  Arturo got a good tip for that.  I got home, ate, and took my pills.  I gave Ron his quesadilla and he ate half, pretty good for him.  

I put the leftovers in the fridge and tried to lie down, couldn't.  I got up because my parents want the weekly phone call at 6 PM my time every Saturday.  She texted me before and said they were busy, contact them tomorrow.  

If you have watched the news/weather for my area lately you have seen the TWO hurricanes and Houston in the "cone" (possible strike area) for both.  You might conclude I would be a little anxious about that, even though I put on a brave face when asked.  You might wonder how Ron's back will fare with a drop in barometric pressure as even a simple thunderstorm can have him writhing in pain.  You might.  And that is all I will say.  

When Hurricane Ike hit Houston dead on as a Cat 2.  It had been a Category 4 for a while...they were on vacation and I didn't hear from them for weeks after the storm.  I thought they might be worried so I actually contacted my abuser and had him forward a message as the phones and electricity were down.  She later mentioned she had "gotten an email but knew I was fine so it wasn't necessary".  I had things fly off my neighbor's houses and land in my yard, large branches fell all around me, neighbors lost their roofs, the fence came down, etc.  Yet she knew, sitting in Europe, I was "fine".  

Same thing here I don't know what I expected different.  One day I will learn to expect nothing.  Yes, I have issues.  Yes, I should cut them a break.  

I just have this belief in my soul that a child should be able to rely on her parents for emotional support at difficult times.  Even after everything I have been through.  

But let me tell you Who doesn't disappoint.  God, that's who.  Always there for me no matter what, can call on Him any time.  I never get pushed aside because He has something "more important" I am always TOP priority with Him.  He's going to help me with my preparations (I need to move some things into the garage and remove the cat door panel from the sliding glass door), take care of my cats, care for me, Ron, and my property.  Even if I have damage He set me up with a great insurance company.  He enabled us to make enough money this week I have a little spending money should we need it.  I do know we will need some for copays on Monday.  So God is reliable, faithful and true... I hang onto that.  I will say this to my parents without the comparison.  

So tomorrow I can basically loaf around and see where the hurricane decides to go, if it is coming here I will start moving things in the garage.  I have to be careful doing that as I need to be able to get Ron out of the garage on Monday to do the doctor's visit for more blood pressure pills.  

Tuesday the storm may hit, odds are we will see some of it.  There may be 2 storms.  I have no idea how Ron's back is going to handle it, he does have his back pills, advil, and kratom so between that hopefully we can get it at a reasonable level.  I have the things I would need it we lose power, a battery lantern, Ron has a battery radio, etc.  Plenty of cat food.  

If it does come to Houston I will get my backup water bowl going (it holds a couple gallons) for the cats as their water fountain runs on A/C power.  I have the blogger app on my cell phone so I will post if able.  Not sure where I will put it, I don't want it near the litter boxes but I have them in every room.  And I have plenty of litter.  

When they cleaned out my house they moved my long handled litter box scoop to the garage, I was pretty upset when I found out it was missing.  I knew they didn't steal it because who wants a used metal litter scoop?  And so happy when I did find it.  

The freezer is pretty packed so ought to be OK for a few days if it comes to that.  Fridge I don't have much but I am drinking the milk, glad I didn't buy any yogurt. 

That is it for now.  

Friday

 I slept OK last night.  I go to bed at my usual time, around 8, and set an alarm for 10.  I get up, feed Ron a snack and his pills, go back to bed.  Today I slept until 7.  

I got up and did some housework, swept the floor and mopped.  I also did my God Time.  Took care of Ron.  Finally got a shower around 10.  I didn't want to do the shower and get all sweaty from housework.  That defeats the purpose.  

So I did that, got his pills into him as well.  There is a tropical thing out in the gulf, could head to Houston.  REALLY glad I have a big honkin' bottle of seizure pills for Ron now.  I'm not as worried about the blood pressure pills, I have a couple weeks of them, but was worried about seizures...

It is VERY BAD to stop taking seizure pills suddenly, it can kill a person.  For real.  Of course it would probably kill me to go off my meds (literally) but I just got 3 month refills on everything myself.  It (the tropical thing) does not look too horrible just 60 mph right now.  I think that storm that felled #6's tree was worse than that.  And that tree is gone I don't have to worry about it anymore.  So moderately worried but not freaking.  

I am more worried about seizures.  

This morning Ron said maybe he would like a bedpan.  Not that clearly but said sometimes he might prefer an in bed option.  I said you will need a bedpan for that, do you want me to buy you one?  He said yes.  I checked back in a few hours later and the answer was still yes, so I got one.  

While shopping I found this image on Amazon and found it hysterical.  

It's in the grass!  The last place you would put a bedpan!   I found that hysterical.  

I got another model one that is heavier duty.  Ron is slim but I don't want a flimsy toilet for him.  We will see how that goes, it may be a good option for when I am at work.  We need to figure something out, he is less able to do things since he started on the seizure medication, BUT that is life saving and we cannot stop it just because Ron may need a bedpan.  Or whatever.  

I just wish I knew what to expect.  We all know there comes a time when I can't take care of him any more.  When that is, what I do after, God only knows.  Two people have mentioned various concerns.  Yes, I know.  I am aware I am under investigation by APS, as well as being viewed a "victim" by them. If anything that may help bolster what I have done for him.  But I may encounter someone who is not sympathetic.  

He is eating pork rinds right now, it is nice he can sometimes eat independently.  A nursing home is not likely to provide a ketogenic diet as I am doing.  I have to consider that.  I did read that keto can help with reducing alcohol cravings.  That would be nice if true.  I did get him a variety of pork rinds at Walmart so he has a choice.  Macs makes really good rinds, the salt and pepper ones are my favorite.  And I think it is safe to ask the other vendor to pick us up a case of the one ounce bags of BBQ.  He is working on one right now.  It's a nice portion control.  

But a nursing home can't do keto.  

I guess it really comes down to: CAN I LEAVE HIM ALONE?  While I work and run errands?  I have seen a pretty dramatic decline this year.  Could he get in the wheelchair and out of the house in an emergency (fire, etc.)?  Yes.  Other questions remain a question mark.  The good news, if I can find help I don't really have anything worth stealing.  

Apparently it is very common for movers to steal things like jewelry.  I never had a problem with Apache (we used them twice, some years ago) the guys were great both times and nothing gone.  The last guys I would never call.  But the jewelry is gone and I don't really have anything notable for a snoop, except maybe the reusable menstrual pads in the closet (I don't use them they are just a backup).  But I don't have any sex toys, porn, etc.  I have a password on my computer.  

Back to Ron I am going to start regulating his alcohol and see if that helps.  Hopefully it will.  I will be in for a difficult time in the short term but longer term I hope he will bounce back and get more independence.  

I never expected him to just give up and it feels like he has, this year.  I am still struggling on but I feel alone now.  He used to talk about "two horses pulling the wagon" together but now I feel more like a sled dog dragging him behind me now.  

So anyway I took away his alcohol.  He has not moderated his intake as promised.  I told him I will give him a small portion now and then but not when we are going somewhere or when I have to leave him.  I will slowly begin reduction.  We will see how that goes.  Hopefully I will see some mental/physical improvement.  

I didn't tell him about the reduction but I did explain things would be different.  "What gives me the right?"  The fact that I am his only caregiver.  I explained he is welcome to move out and find someone else to take care of him and give him alcohol, but no one would, including a nursing home, due to the legal implications.  That I was at least willing to help him with some alcohol.  

I am also not stupid and cutting him off completely would result in DT's,  really severe seizures, and could possibly kill him especially at the rate he is going.  At any rate the conversation went Ron shouting at me, me shouting NO many times, him cajoling, and me explaining, him accepting.  And he's arguing again.  

This is going to be a long road.  I explained it is either me and severely limited alcohol intake; [because he PROMISED he would "cut way back" on the vodka when he started medication, but did not, in fact seeming to INCREASE his intake, turning into an insensate vegetable - I at least need to TRY cut the alcohol back and see if that helps.] or assisted living of some sort, with no alcohol permitted at all.    

Because, as I explained, I am not going to be liable if he drinks himself to death.  I am done, metaphorically handing him big bottles of vodka to swill at every opportunity.  I don't want to come in here and find you dead - I told him - not like that.  

I also did a good job of explaining how he has burned any credibility he had regarding his alcohol use.  I explained, I believe he will drink as much as he can get, and even if he promised me he would stop I wouldn't believe him, as I have a good 20 years of broken promises.  He couldn't argue with that.  

I also explained how sad it was to me the one time he passed out in the kitchen on the floor, and his cat went over and sniffed at him very sadly, looking up at me with pitiful brown eyes.  And all I could say was "I know".  He's even hurting his cat (emotionally).  

I don't know about you but I will do a lot for my cats.  So he has a lot to think about.  

The take away for Ron: I am going to regulate the alcohol intake (and, between us, reduce it).  Or he can find somewhere else to live that will not allow him any alcohol at all.  He is NEVER going to get an unlimited supply of alcohol, again.  

 A good example, a couple months ago Ron said he wanted some little bottles of alcohol, so I bought him a party bucket.  It had a couple dozen tiny bottles in various flavors.  He asked for it right as I was leaving for work so I shoved the whole thing at him.  When I got home he was passed out and had drunk 8 shots' worth.  This was before he started on any medication.  

That sort of said it all.  

A trip to the doctor

 I had a hard time getting Ron ready but eventually got his clean self in the wheelchair.  Our ride came at 9:30, I told the paratransit company I wanted to be there by 10:45, the appointment was 11.  

The driver said we didn't have a lot of other trips, which was good to hear.  We went to an apartment complex.  

There is a client who rides the service who is just a terrible person, very abusive to me, etc.  She used to live there.  The client had not given the proper access number when she made the trip.  

In Houston, all apartment complexes are surrounded by a metal fence with a gate.  You have to enter an access code before the gate will open.  The thinking is that it will prevent shenanigans.  It is just a huge hassle when we go to pick up someone in an apartment.  

Someone else finally let us in and we found the client.  She had a massive attitude.  Turns out she did not charge her wheelchair the night before so it was run down.  She had played games with her first ride and they finally left her, this was her second ride of the day.  Once they got her settled she turned to me and demanded I give her a snack.  She was not mentally limited, just supremely entitled.  I had a large tote bag for our needs and she must have assumed I had snacks I would give her.  

She just left her apartment.  That is the time to get yourself a snack.  I said no.   

The driver apologized and had to pick up another passenger.  The other client had a hissy fit and said she had to be across town in 20 minutes for her appointment.  Good luck.  She made several phone calls and had several major tantrums but they told her when the other ride left you lost your appointment time, you are lucky they came back at all, and if you don't like it they will take you home after dropping (us) off.  She didn't like it one bit but several people all told her the same thing.  

She kept saying we were going to "pass" her drop location in order to make the other stops, not true and that really upset the driver, who got very stern.  Then the client wanted to complain to me about her "unjust" treatment but I wasn't having any of it.  

We finally got to the doctor's office right at 10:45.  I called as requested and we went up, filled out paperwork, gave them the discharge papers from the hospital, and were seen by the doctor.  The doctor was very competent, nice, professional, very likable.  I really liked we could get in to see him so quickly.  He told us to call him anytime if Ron has another seizure, since the medication is working so well to keep that up, I asked for a 3 month refill and he said absolutely.  Excellent.  

He had some questions about the medical history so we gave it, in passing I mentioned Ron used to mow the yard after the accident, until his back went out on him, Doc was very impressed and I showed him the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEIRw1mwPg0&t=65s, which he loved, he was chuckling watching the whole thing.  

Ron did pretty well but his back locked up, and he had a lot of trouble getting in Arturo's cab.  We barely got him out and I got him into bed with difficulty.  I don't think Ron is going to be riding with Arturo any time soon.  Ron fell asleep pretty much immediately when we got home.  

I did tell Ron,as we waited to go home, that my doc and the neuro have a lot in common because a good half the visit was doc lecturing us on the importance of taking medication consistently, not skipping days, etc.  That sounds very like my doc.  I will have to tell mine about that.  I understand probably better than most due to my own medications.  

Epilepsy treatment and bipolar treatment are very similar, in that medication has to be taken consistently every day until you're dead.  You screw up, you will have BIG PROBLEMS.  Some of the paper work I signed stated I would ask for refills well before I needed them so Ron wouldn't risk running out.  Which I will absolutely do.  I am pretty paranoid about running out anyway.  

I mean, seeing Ron seize is like one of the worst things ever.  I would rather see him commit adultery, it was that bad.  I pray I never see that again it was unspeakably awful.  But I like the doc, he is nearby, and very helpful.   He is requesting Ron's scans and has also sent us to the scheduling department at the hospital, for an EEG (non invasive brain wave study).  

I was glad I split the doctor appointments so he sees the other doc Monday, AND his blood pressure was very good today 108/80 today.  So he can keep taking the Norvasc for that.  No side effects, effective, and very cheap.  ALSO something he will need long term.  

He is snoring away, he is pretty wiped out.  I tried to take a nap but couldn't.  

In some ways I am very blessed.  A small example, I have a nice amount of bedding 3-4 nice fitted sheets for my bed, plenty of pillows, pillow cases, etc.  I could use more fitted sheets for Ron's bed as I am always changing it.  He eats in bed, etc. so I change it about twice a week.  I also have 2 nice handwoven bedspreads from Ikea, a nice quilt I have had for 20 years, etc. for my bed.

But this is about the bedspread.  I have one in rose it is woven by hand, I like the texture.  That one is fine but it is a little heavy for summer time and menopausal ladies.  I would never get rid of it, though.  The other one is natural unbleached cotton, hand woven, nice and light.  I recently took it out of storage and used it but it has a horrible stale odor.  I have it in the washer on soak (OK to launder) with some baking soda and a Tide POD.  When it's done I will hang it up on the shower curtain rod.  I had Greg mount it to the wall so it will be fine.  

Then I will do Ron's bedding.  I always keep one extra sheet for Ron which has worked pretty well.  But I can always use a few more.  

My aunt may have some for me, if so, I will take them.  If you want to send some standard twin fitted, I will take them.  NOT too proud.  

So I felt like today went well.  I may run to Walmart later and turn in the prescription.  Like I said, I'd rather have it in my possession.  

Most of Wednesday

 I have some questions for the neurologist tomorrow, namely is it OK to give medication early/late and how big a window.  I am endeavoring to do every 12 hours exactly which meant last night I went to bed, set an alarm, got up, dosed him, went back to sleep.  Then things ran late at work doing the repair so he got it a little late.  He seems OK but I need to figure that out.  

Anyway, I got about 5 hours of sleep last night.  Thank God I had already done my shower.  Ron wanted sausage when I got up so I did that.  I got dressed and did my Bible study.  

Off to work, I had a Deaf driver he was very nice.  I got dropped off OK (3 driveways at work and they all look like the right one).  Went in and waited on my delivery.  It came, but an hour late.  I put it immediately into the vending machines but the sodas were HOT which was icky, holding a hot can of soda in my hands.  Not warm, HOT like they had been boiled.  Yuck.  I didn't envy the compressors trying to chill that down!  

And he was able to fix the bottled vendor, we hope, for now.  Jack gave me a ride home, he is HAPPY to take me anywhere, and a lot cheaper than Uber.  He even said he will take the trip to work on Wednesday morning at 5 AM.  Damn.  OK.  He lives right around the corner so it works out for everyone.  

His wife likes me which I think is important, I send her a little gift now and then.  They have been married about as long as Ron and me. 

So I came home, Ron was OK, stuffed that medication into him.  I bought some one ounce bags of pork rinds from the other vendor and gave him some with his pills.  I explained I am trying to get him to eat lower carbs and he understood.  Once he was settled I went straight to bed for a nap.  

I slept pretty well for about 3 hours, got up.  Ron had turned himself around in bed and wanted to stay that way for a while, then, later, called me to help fix him.  I did that.  I made our trips for tomorrow on paratransit.  

I don't know what he wants for dinner, I have roast chicken or split peas, and various other items.  I need to freeze the chicken by tomorrow night if he doesn't eat more.  Figures he doesn't want much the time I buy the large chicken!  BUT he is good about eating it after I freeze it and it is not hard to warm up.  But he doesn't need to eat for hours.  

I will also ask the neuro about lower carb.  I read good things about it and seizures, though.  

I just plan to take it easy the rest of the day, I may not even check the mail.  

It is frustrating

Canned soda inventory : ALL I have is Dr Pepper.  I have notes on all machines stating this.  Customer walks up, inserts money, I TELL her, only Dr Pepper, she pushes every button but that and gets an attitude.  

CAN THEY READ??

That was a lot more difficult than it had to be.

So, when Ron was discharged they gave me the names of a couple of doctors and a very stern warning I had to do follow up.  I have APS crawling up my ass, OF COURSE I have to do a follow up (I did not say that).  

So I called the number of the first doctor and was sent to a telemarketer trying to sell me a fall alert system, very aggressive.  That was the only number I had, so I looked the guy up on Google and the same number.  So much for that.  

Then I called the number given for the neuro, who was across town.  I went to voicemail, left a polite message, and still have not heard back.  What if I had a question?  That did not bode well.  

So I said, "Screw it I am going to go to my doctors".  Ron needs to see A primary, and A neurologist.  It doesn't matter who.  I called a local neuro.  We saw him years ago and he was very nice.  They worked us in Thursday.  Very nice, taking it seriously, not freaking over the word "seizure".  I did explain the hospital had given us a prescription.  So I am happy with neuro.  Also this guy is not far, Ron doesn't travel well so that is a bonus.  And from what I remember the co pay was not unreasonable.  

Ron has a guy he wants to be his primary, it didn't work out to see him last week so, on a whim, I called to see if we could see him.  Monday.  Very good.  I also filled out a bunch of online forms as well.  This will be the "high blood pressure" visit.  I have been told 135/95 (today's reading I found the meter) is "not great" so they may up the dose on the blood pressure pill.  

So I have appointments for both doctors in just a few days. I am very pleased.  We cannot run out of Ron's medication that would be VERY BAD especially the seizure pills.  

Ron is OK with this.  He is a little moody but these are trying times and he has to accept two diagnoses - high blood pressure, and seizures.  That is a lot.  

I did a lot of other things I won't detail but did catch up on housework, laundry, etc.  I need to do the litter boxes at some point.  I also have a pot of split pea soup going for Ron.  

Everything I am reading on both conditions (seizures/high blood pressure) say that low carb is indicated .  He eats pretty low carb now it will not be hard to make a few modifications.  Like, don't put rice in the split pea soup.  That is easily done.  I am going to try to get him eating pork rinds as salty snacks are a point for him.  He doesn't eat a lot of carbs day to day but when he does it is almost always a salty snack.  

After bills, I have THIRTY dollars in my account and $10 of that will go for fees so really $20.  Not complaining, the bills are paid.  But I will have to wait on buying him some of those gourmet pork rinds.  The other vendor sells "Macs" BBQ pork rind and I will buy a couple one ounce bags from them tomorrow and see if they take.  That would be great I could just order some from the other vendor now and then.  

So I need to reduce his carbs.  He did have some V8 with lunch so that's good, I will keep buying that.  One of my longtime friends told me tomato products are horrible for people with inflammation but EIGHT vegetables, he never eats veggies...and he doesn't consume a lot.  

And yes I know it has sodium and sodium does not get along with blood pressure in people of black descent.  Which he is.  There is a lot I have to address, in his diet.  

I wanted to be a dietitian for a while, I am getting my chance: a low sodium, high protein, low carb diet for a very picky eater.  I will have my hands full; if I tell him "this is restricted" he will buck and if I tell him "You need to eat this" he won't.  It should be interesting.  

Tonight I will offer him a choice of pizza (thanks again!), split pea soup, or roast chicken.  He can tell me what he wants and I will give it to him.  

I don't know if he wants to work tomorrow or even if he should.  I will let him look at the trips and decide.  To be honest, between us, it will be a lot easier if he stays home.  

But mentally I think he needs to get out and see people.  

I am pretty sure I have identified my stalker

 If I am correct, she followed me here from a message board.  She has sent me messages on the board, and one on FB which I ignored because I am terrible about checking my FB messages.  In the FB message there was a long tirade about why I can't wear black socks.  

I have never really been tempted to share my anti psychotics until that point.  Today another message on the board, this time quoting a random blog post from a few months ago when Walmart mis delivered my groceries.  I believe there have been a few more messages I ignored.  

So I figured that was a sign.  Everything within me said "Block in all ways" so I did.  Blocked on the message board.  Blocked on Facebook.  Can't make comments here as everyone is blocked (good guys I am sorry about that).  

Sad but I can't take chances.  

Someone told Ron once "You don't have friends you have a collection" because he had some odd friends.  In fact, he once copied a voicemail I left him saying "You have some strange friends" and used it as his greeting.  And he wonders why no one calls him these days.  

Me, I have had various people in my life.  John was damaged.  Eric L had a cleft lip but it never mattered to me.  Eric I had severe CP and difficulty walking.  I tried to teach him to ride a bike - that didn't work too well!  Kristine had an abusive father.  That was just high school.  

Living on my own was a little rough.  Ron had sex with the one friend I brought home.  They got drunk together in the living room after I went to bed.  So it was a long time before I trusted a woman again, much less Ron.  

Then I did find a nice lady at work, older, I thought that would be safer.  We went out for the day, shopping, we stopped for lunch at a pizza place, she ordered a pitcher of beer and drank the whole thing, looked me in the eyes, and said "At one point all friendships become sexual".  Ron thought that was a GREAT idea, I did NOT!  

So, some difficulty trusting women!  And men can be tricky!  

For instance, Jack, I consider him a dear friend but he is married, so am I.  Absolutely NO sexual interest on either part.  I think he views me as a little sister.  But that has been rare; Chuck, for instance not only made advances he lied to me.  He said he would stop bringing alcohol if I had a problem with it.  I told him I had a problem, not only did he keep bringing it he stepped up his attentions towards me.  

So: have to be careful with men, too.  

I am looking forward to Heaven when I don't have all these details.  

Tomorrow has got to be better

 So Ron kept me up half the night moaning.  I am giving him pain pills before I go to bed tonight.  

We had a cold front come through and a heavy thunderstorm.  That woke me up, too.  

I got up, took care of Ron, and headed off to work.  When I got there I was accosted by a very RUDE man who said I owed him a dollar.  He explained he had put two, 50 cent, pieces into the vending machine and "it didn't work".  He also said something about "not being able to get them back" which I later realized meant he was the one who had destroyed the vending machine.  

The oversized coins caused a coin jam, which meant everyone after this guy lost their money as well because the overly large coins were blocking the entrance to the coin mechanism.  Someone (likely him as he said he "tried to get it back") beat the machine and pried on it with tools which broke internal, plastic, parts.  I doubt the machine can be salvaged.  They seem to destroy a snack machine every 5 years or so.  So now I am down a vending machine when I really don't have any to spare.  

I was, as you can expect, FURIOUS about this and am considering reporting it to the postal inspectors, to me vandalism causing thousands of dollars of damage is worth reporting.  But it may be too late this happened Saturday according to the complainer.  I don't think they keep the video footage that long.  

I did what I could, did the inventory, etc. took money out and counted it.  I called Jack (who had given me a ride to work) and we went to the bank, which was closed.  We went to another branch Google had as "open" (Google had the first one listed as "open" as well).  It was closed to walk ins and I could not do my transactions via drive through.  

We went to a third facility.  I had to make the deposits and get my pay so I can pay my Dad back and other debts.  I waited a very long time in line, only to be told the "system is down" and would not be up again that day.  I went out to the truck, told Jack, and said "Let's just go to Walmart".  

I had to pay the electric bill at least as it is due today.  We saw another branch for this bank near the Walmart.  This is a bank you know.  It seemed busy.  

Jack encouraged me to go in and "try".  I did and managed to finally complete my transactions.  I then went to MY bank and made my deposit so I can cover my expenses.  So 5 banks total today.  Then Walmart.  

Jack, God love him forever, said he would wait.  So I ran in there and did my business quickly.  I did not see a blood pressure cuff I liked for Ron, Ron had specifically requested one for the wrist and the wrist ones were overpriced.  I will buy one off Amazon.  I have enough to cover it.  

I came home, Ron was asleep.  He woke up after a while and ate some chicken, asked for more, ate that.  He went back to sleep.  That's good as he didn't get any sleep last night.  

I laid down for a nap and had 3 cats in the bed with me, that was very nice.  They could tell I had a tough day and were very loving.  

Tomorrow has got to be better; we will see.  I plan to stay home and order some pizza with my gift card.  

I meet the repairman Wednesday when I get the soda delivery and then he can tell me if we can save the machine.  I don't think we can as an internal part, that's plastic, is split in half.  They don't make the parts for this any more as it is a "very" (as vending machines go) old machine.  

That means I have to file for a new machine from the state and swap out the destroyed machine for a new one.  That will be a matter of weeks of me not making any money because some MORON stuck a 50 cent piece in my machine.  And then decided he had enough "grievances" in his life to destroy a perfectly good machine because he was too lazy/stupid to call the number on the machine for a refund.  

Ugh.