Well you know it's bad when they cancel the bus and paratransit

 I slept OK last night.  Good thing as we have pretty high odds of getting a hurricane tomorrow.   

Oh, I don't like that map.  Let me be clear: I am about as well equipped as possible, considering my situation.  That I am not able to drive.  That Ron is effectively bed bound.  That I have 5 cats, live 9 inches in a flood plain, etc.  

But we are not going to starve or run out of medication.  I even set up a backup water bowl for the cats as the first one may die when we lose power.  And if it really is a Cat 3, nearby, we will.  So I've done what I can.  

But damn I'd like someone to say "Oh, Heather, you poor thing, this has been a terrible year for you.  Here's a hug, and I am going to run through a drive through and get you and Ron some lunch, what would you like?"  

Instead everyone is telling me how strong I am.  I'm not, I'm really not.  I am good at fronting.  Kind of grew up in the wild there, where showing weakness got me eaten, so I front.  And most of it is I trust God to take care of me and use common sense.  

I mean, who, living through this year, in Houston, is NOT a prepper?  Who doesn't have some extra soap, tampons, dish washing liquid?  Canned food and a case of water?  I think everyone is, and I ramped up a little from where I had been a year or two ago.  

I have a good amount of supplies, not to much, not too little.  So we are OK re: supplies.  And medication.  The only problem I had with medication Ron overate some pork rinds today and didn't want any dinner.  He did take the seizure pill but that's it, no pain pill which I would have really WANTED on board, but it's Ron's call.  I will keep it around.  

Anyway I have a month of the Naproxyn (pain pill for Ron, non narcotic and won't cause seizures like the Tramadol), and 3 months each of seizure and blood pressure medications.  I have about 3 months of all my stuff.  So that's good for medication.  

Water I have "plenty" for a few days if we lose it.  Ron hardly drinks 20 ounces a day (I am working on that) so we are fine.  Plenty for the cats, too, they drink about a quart a day all of them together.  

And litter, lots of that, I just cleaned the boxes today.  Tomorrow night I will close the cat door once I ensure they're all inside.  I plan to remove the panel and lock the sliding glass door.  We are going to have some wind for sure so that's a good idea.  It's not the most sturdy arrangement.  

So I am equipped but mentally?  Not where I would like to be.  I am worried about various trees around my home, 2 in my yard, 2 in other yards but large enough to affect me.  I am moderately worried about them.  I am not worried about flooding.  From what I understand the rainfall for us will be measured in meager inches, our flood control systems can handle that.  We have a huge flood control project in progress nearby.  

So it's still a big storm and can wreak a lot of havoc.  I have had work troubles, root canal, pipe break, Ron develop epilepsy, insurance claim, remodel/repair home, more work troubles, etc. just in the last year.  I feel worn out.  I am at THREAT LEVEL: RED all the time now it feels.  

And I am not the only one, I think pretty much everyone is at this point.  I am not going to say "Poor Baby Me I have it worse than everyone".  I have it harder than some and easier than others.  

One thing I keep reading in the caregiver group: abysmal treatment of loved ones in nursing homes.  So that is The Last Resort as far as I'm concerned, for Ron I might as well shoot him in the head - and that's how I felt back in 2003 when I volunteered to "take" him.  Ron is happy at home with his cats, his radio, etc.  He is clean, fed, medicated, loved.  I don't think any home can compete with that.   

I'm just tired of waiting for the next blow, I feel like I'm curled up with my arms over my head, bruised and bleeding, just waiting for the next strike or kick.  Will it be the cats?  Ron again?  I actually set up a 911 profile with Harris county, you can do that.  I put down all the information for me and Ron so if I have to call it pulls up automatically and I don't have to remember the name of the blood pressure pill or how much of it.  Or even what I take.  God knows what situation could be.  

I even picked out a spot in the yard when Torbie dies, to bury her because no one I know is going to want to transport a dead cat to the vet for disposal.  No one.  I suppose I could sneak her in a Uber with a duffel bag but I wouldn't do that to the driver, most of them have very nice rides... but I see her slowing down and I wonder.  

I wonder about my own health I am under a lot of stress.  I think: Ron could go about 11 hours without me.  Any longer than that we are in trouble.  That's a big load to carry.  I mean, think of it, something happens to me I have to tell the ER to get a social worker PRONTO.  And Ron would need an emergency placement.  They have people who do this thank God but still... The cats would be fine for a while, especially with the new water bowl.  

I worry about the house there are a million things that can go wrong there, and even more that can go wrong with vending machines!   Lots on my plate! 

And everyone is telling me how strong I am.  Really, I'm not, poor Jesus is carrying me on His back through all of this.  I'm just hanging on for dear life, trying not to pull His hair, screaming in His ear most likely...  

I wouldn't want to be Him for anything!