Saturday night

 One thing my parents like to do it tell me to call at a certain time, half the time not available "can we talk tomorrow" always someone else coming first when they "explain".  Then they tell me I need to prioritize myself.   Today it was their oldest grandson, last couple times it was one or all of her sisters.  

I just wish they would pick a random day of the week and say at this time it is Heather's window and we won't let anything impact that unless it really is an emergency.  I would feel very valued.   I set time aside for them, I even make sure to check on Ron and verify he won't need me.  

It would be funny if it weren't so sad.  I didn't sleep well last night, got up, pill time. I was pretty depressed today.  Not fun.  I did decide to break out a bar of my "nice" soap I keep for occasions like this.  I'm not kidding, I really love a nice bar of soap and as I've told you I used to make my own.  

No way I could do that now with these cats.  Bubba didn't care about soap making but Biscuit would be all up in the business, him, Spotty, all of them.  So not safe.  Also it takes a while to use up one bar of nice soap, much less a couple pounds.  By that time I'm sick of it.  

If I didn't have the cats I would look for a soap exchange club where everyone sends me a bar and I send everyone a bar.  I am sure they have something like that.  Anyway I got a nice bar of lavender and used that.  It was very nice, especially as my previous bar had gone mushy and I hate mushy soap.  

One thing I always did when I made soap; add palm kernel oil to make a very nice, hard, bar with excellent lathering.  One time I was sent a bar of "homemade" 100% lard soap that was so awful, it didn't lather, it reeked - it smelled like a fried chicken place.  And it left a sticky residue I hated.  I was sent it in hopes I would order some, but I couldn't, even though I wanted to help the girl out.  I need my vegetable oils in my soap.  

So I had a good shower.  I have been taking care of Ron all day he hasn't needed much as these things go.  I did my God Time and thought about the latest message I have been getting from all my devotionals: to stop trying to carry "my" load and give it to God.  I have had to do this will my illness, and my marriage.  

I have to keep doing this because I was raised the "old world" "It's not that bad, come on, walk it off"  "We NEVER ask for help" etc.  I remember a good example.  My Dad always worked 80 hour weeks.  One day I was off school and I walked upstairs to find him in the hall, outside his bedroom.  I asked him what was wrong, because Dad home in the middle of the day was unheard of.  He told me he had the flu, had gone to work, but been sent home by the boss because they didn't want him sickening the other workers.  And I remember thinking "That is the only reason that makes sense" because Dad NEVER took care of himself.  

And he almost died in his 50's from heart disease as a result.  So I don't want to do that.  Then we have my stepmother bottled everything up and then took it out on me.  Don't want to do that.  Then we have my birth mother didn't take her meds or any care of herself, always looking to others for that.  I don't want to do that.  

I don't want to snap either because I tried to do it all myself.  I heard a good sermon once.  It was about the willow vs.the oak.  He said the willow hardly ever breaks, why, because it bends with the wind.  The oak resists until the branches snap.  He said we needed to bend with life's pressures and give it to God,and that is one thing I am hearing again and again these days.  

I hope I am smart enough to listen.  

So I took a nap, with Cleo, who was as always precious AND adorable.  She is very skittish, probably will always be, but was super cuddly for a cat, sleeping with me.  I had a good nap but woke up with an excruciating headache.   I took something for it, got up, felt a little better, and ordered some stuffed crust pizza.  That was good and I have plenty for tomorrow, too.  

Ron had his chicken bacon ranch sandwich yesterday and this morning, then some pizza with his medication.  

One thing I am seeing our diet is horrible.  I am writing everything down and it needs improvement.  We do take supplements in addition to our prescriptions, though, getting antioxidants and a multi at least in addition to our diet.  

I am having some digestive issues related to my medication and drinking some Gatorade as a result.  I have the powder which I like, it is very easy to store.  2 scoops in my half gallon cup and I am good to go.  Walmart grocery has several flavors.  I don't love the taste but I love staying out of the ER.  And it is easy to get dehydrated on lithium.  It works great for me but is pretty harsh.  

I also stripped Ron's bed and washed everything.  He basically lives in bed so it is better to just do it all 2x a week, which I read online, and lined up pretty much with what I was doing.  It's not like he is having accidents that often, but he sweats, eats, etc.  The cats get up there.  So a good idea to wash it.  He is good about waiting while I do that.  

I am very subtle with detergents as well.  He is happy; I'm happy.  I use the poly/cotton blend sheets for Ron.  In a perfect world I would use 100% cotton or bamboo but I need a quantity of cheap sheets.  I actually wish listed some.  

We may be getting a payout, if so Ron said he will give me some.  (It is coming to him).  If I do get some I will probably buy him this: Definitely on the list!

Heather, what will you buy yourself if you do get a little cash?  Not counting the blood test, taking the cats for vaccines, a few more home care things...I can't think of anything off hand.  That is a good place to be.  I'm not constantly wanting things.  

I might hunt around and get some of the really nice soap from Swanson.  I could easily spend some (to me, over $20 and less than $50) money there.  I have to get refills on Ron's vitamin C and my menopause herbs anyway.  I have powdered C I take for myself and then I give Ron a 500 mg capsule with his pills 2x a day.  He is fine doing that and it doesn't interact.  I checked.  

The great thing about fancy soap: I need it anyway, it is a way to get nice scents without aggravating Ron, and I use it up.  A collectible, for instance the coffee cups I used to collect,take up a huge amount of space. You buy one it is with you forever.  Soap is only there for a couple of weeks and then gone.  I like that.  

I really don't want to have that awful hoarded house.  Is my home going to be perfect?  No, but it is clean and organized (enough) for me.  I can find things quickly.  I like that.  

So I had my day and then my stepmother texted her grandson was swinging by and would talk to me tomorrow.  Things are always coming up with the rest of the family I am just baffled WHY they keep asking me to call on a day they are not often available?  Maybe they don't want to talk?  

And I felt like God was reminding me if I open an empty bottle it is going to be empty.  Don't look for water in an empty bottle you will not find it.  Only God has 100% NOT let me down, compared to humans.  

My great niece told me a while back she was pregnant but asked me to keep it quiet.  She just came out on Facebook, she has a nice little tummy already.  She will make a great Mom.  I am very happy for her.  She's a good kid and I wish her well.  

My mother would have adored her, the baby would have been her great-great grandchild.  

I ate my pizza, took my meds, and gave Ron his.  Sometimes I feel like all we are doing is taking medication but we are keeping you taxpayers solvent because it would be expensive to house us in an institution.  

I made a Walmart delivery order for tomorrow.  I don't have a nice list of fruits and vegetables but I did get some things like precooked frozen hamburgers, Ron had said he wanted a hamburger when I asked about groceries.  I love canned peas, why am I not eating them?  I couldn't tell you but I got a couple cans of them,too.  

I checked the mail and had a very nice surprise, a really cute card, an encouraging note, and some gift cards from my secret pal!  I was really happy to see it, God always seems to put it on her when I need a boost.  

And I am going to spend that Walmart card on something fun for me if it kills me!   I might get some Dr Bronners peppermint soap.  I will have to check my stash first and make sure I don't have any already (it is all kept in an opaque envelope).  

Biscuit is nearby being cute.  He actually cleaned his butt today.  Some days he just doesn't feel like it, I can relate.  Do I think he has depression?  No, but he is a big guy and it is not easy for him to get back there.  One reason the vet put him on a diet when I had him boarded.  I thought that was kind of mean, reducing his food when he was stressed out.  He was sure happy to go home to the food bowl!  He was pretty freaked about all the drywall holes at first but they got used to it.  

We had one hole in my bedroom (actually all around the perimeter as it was ground zero) between my bedroom and the bathroom wall, under the bathtub.  Of course all the cats had to go under there and Torbie really loved it under there.  I was so worried she was going to get bricked up under there like the Cask of Amontillado.  But happily they all fled outside whenever Carlos & company came and that worked out very well.  

In fact I could tell when he pulled up (the van was quiet) because Biscuit would growl loudly, run, and hide outside.  It was pretty funny for me.  And the cats were great about the paint, I think it helped we used the good paint so it dried fast and then we ran the heater (it was a little cool out) as well.  

I will have to talk to Ron about fixing up his room.  It is important to have an emergency fund and some basic supplies (more home care things, etc.) before we make any big purchases.  But it will look so nice when it's done up.  

That is really the nice thing about marriage to a blind man, I can decorate however I want.  I have a lot of bright colors.  I am glad I did the cream walls in the bedroom, in the unlikely event I get tired of the purple curtains I can just trade them out.  It works because I have them on both walls, the closet wall and the sliding glass door.  

Oh, a funny story.  Ron was asking me what room had the biggest window and most exposure to outside.  My room, I told him, because I have the sliding glass door.  He smirked.  But, I told him, HE had a huge oak tree about 60 feet from his bed in the house behind us' yard.  He stopped grinning!  Happily it didn't matter, the storm went elsewhere.  

And the washer is almost done which means I can go.  I always want a clean, dry, sheet for Ron's bed if it comes to it, one time I had to put one on his bed, it was still damp (hadn't dried all the way) and I felt really bad about it.  He didn't notice but I promised then I would not go to bed unless the sheet was in the dryer with at least 45 minutes on the timer.  

I try to cover all the details.