First, a little back story. I am my Dad's only biological child. He was married to my mother, I was a planned pregnancy. And then she drank "a fifth", or the equivalent of seventeen shots a day, during the pregnancy. I was born disabled and tested "borderline" development at 6 months. I had no other early childhood intervention. Due to the neglect, I was way behind on my growth as well (I later caught up and am now 5'7). Plus the emotional trauma of the neglect and my mother/sister/pet leaving me when I was just 3. Pretty big mess.
My Dad met a woman who had 3 kids. A 10 year old girl (who I will discuss), an 8 year old boy, and a 2 year old boy. The two year old would later grow up to become my primary abuser. I never had much problem with the other 2.
He married her and essentially adopted the kids as his own. He put them on his insurance, he had them on his taxes, he paid for anything they wanted, music lessons, sports, etc. He has always seen them as "his" kids since probably before the marriage.
The kids responded to his overtures by treating him badly, calling him by his first name, etc. The older two were used to their "fun" (alcoholic, bipolar) father and didn't like all Dad's rules. They had a lot of conflict right up until the time Dad paid for their college.
I clung to my "new" mother like a leech. She was a lot more consistent than the last one, and, looking back, I think she did her best. Her youngest would later prove to be bipolar and raising 2 bipolar kids back when no one ever saw it in a child, must have been horrible. Especially when he hit puberty and started coming after me.
At any rate, this post isn't about her, directly. Dad always did what he could for the other kids and I don't think they realized what all he had done until they became adults. They started treating him a lot better, still calling him by his first name, but still a distance.
They have completely written off their birth father, all of them.
You might think I would be envious of what he did for them. I'm not. That's how Dad operates: they are "his" now, so he will take care of them. That has meant doing a lot. But when Dad makes a commitment, he keeps it. I admire him for that.
That is probably one of the factors in my staying with Ron.
They started having kids, got married, more kids. Good. Now I don't have to worry about pressure to have children. Dad sees them as "his" grandkids. They call him grandpa. Good. The weight is off me.
Dad adores these kids and loves to spend time with them. He gets a pretty good amount of time with most of them, even though 3 are grown or almost, and one lives a couple thousand miles away. Good times.
To make it really odd, we are all Facebook friends. My stepsister got us into it, about 10 years ago. Even my primary abuser. It is like watching a wreck in slow motion, with him.
So I can see their posts to each other. She (the oldest) wrote something to my Dad on his wall. He responded by referring to her as "my daughter" in a very loving way.
I really hope she values that. Dad doesn't give his love easily and I would hate to see him bruised. I remember countless incidents from childhood where she screamed he wasn't her father. Dad never responded by saying her own father ran off and abandoned them. Never.
I don't see them in real life, I am thousands of miles away in Houston, but I am certain they have a pretty good relationship now. I just hope the other kids can acknowledge him as their dad and tell him they love him, before he dies. That would be really sad.
I was feeling very proud of myself, evolved, "healed", etc. Then I took a nap, and I was in a room with my family of origin. All 3 kids and my parents. I had Torbie there, in a carrier. We were traveling. It basically came about one of them offered to transport Torbie but I said I didn't trust any of them with her. And I don't.
I can forgive without trusting.
7 comments:
Sending lots of love and support to one of the most insightful bloggers I know OOOXXX
I wonder why your dad didn't STOP your mother from drinking while she was pregnant with you. Was he that oblivious or just the type of person to bury their head in the sand. I also wonder if you were treated as well as the step kids were treated.
Adding...same with the way he turns a blind eye to the treatment of his grandson (the one with bipolar who was your primary abuser). The man is not medicated and you know he has to be treating that kid pretty badly because of it. The comment you made about the kid seeming sad hit home for me.
It is not love to pretend a child is not being hurt by a parent. It is not love to not do anything because you don't want to make waves or get the abuser in trouble. I wonder why in our society the victims are often the ones treated badly and the abusers are protected.
I can say this, having my own alcoholic, if they really want to drink nothing is going to stop them. Nothing. I believe he tried to stop her, he told a story once about congratulating her about not drinking for a while, then he found a bunch of empty vanilla extract bottles in the cupboard.
My sister and he have wildly differing accounts of my early years but she did say she tried to stop her drinking when pregnant, said it was "bad", etc. I believe her.
But, like I've seen, if they really want to drink you can't stop them without holding them prisoner. In fact, in some cases they have actually done that with pregnant alcoholics, literally locked them up for some time to prevent prenatal harm. Not sure if it was ruled constitutional or not. They had a Law & Order, SVU about it that I felt handled it pretty well.
I feel the other kids were favored, just because they were "hers" and there were more of them. It was definitely an us against her mentality. I could also cite some instances with my primary abuser attacking me, in one case leaving me with permanent scars, and me being punished for it. I was actually called a "faker" after that incident. The one that left me with a permanent scar the size of a nickel, on my chest.
About my "nephew" - from what I have heard, his mother is no treat either. That kid has a pretty rough road. He does visit my parents every year and seems much happier during those visits. I can attest a good visit with a grandparent (I had some as I hit puberty) can really do wonders to help a struggling child. And that's about all they can do. It's not like they can raise him - he was born in their late 60's.
Point is he knew about the drinking and did NOTHING. Was the man so blind that he could not see the neglect in his own home? Why are those who have done harm given excuses? These bad relationships with your mother and your father set you up to be a victim and the primary reason you are in the relationship you are in.
As for your nephew a once a year visit doesn't make up for the 51 weeks of mistreatment. Sorry but that boy will be damaged too. Now in what ways will it manifest? Drinking, drugs, self harm, criminal behavior or will he pick a spouse who is abusive and unstable? Only time will tell.
Your comment about thats's all they can do is chilling. Because this is how it is in a majority of families. People turning a blind eye and doing nothing to help. What a shame. That is why I rage at the religious because obviously faith changes nothing it is a persons actions that change things. Thus giving god credit is just pointless.
I can't publish the last comment. Yes, it is all sad - I think we can agree on that. Can I, as a person, do anything to stop certain situations? No. I can pray for them and that's about it.
I think the neglect had more to do with making me who I am. Not necessarily the drinking. She basically just drank in her room and ignored me. But the neglect was more profound. I believe it is one reason I have eating difficulties - I never knew how long 'till my next meal, so I ate a lot. It's another reason I have trouble bonding.
But I managed in spite of it, and, most days, I would say I have a pretty good life. People can overcome a lot.
Adding, what can a family do in this situation? Unstable mother and father but still able to legally care for him? Food on the plate, water, and electricity? Legally, nothing. They can't take the boy (not that they could raise him anyway) from his parents who "want" him. His uncle and aunt might be able to raise him if his parents died (but the mother has a lot of family, apparently, who would probably fight for him), but in the meantime he is stuck.
I am told he is a good kid when he visits so there's that. But me, personally, I can do nothing for him except pray. Unfortunately I don't think his parents are raising him with any sort of faith life. That's the real tragedy.
Post a Comment