They always say "don't put that in writing" so, some things, I don't. It wouldn't incriminate me. I will say that.
I hate to be vague but I can't share it. If it's in writing, it could come back and bite us in the butt.
So, a difficult day at work. All the machines were working but Ron was in a really bad mood. He was polite to the customers, though.
I didn't appreciate the verbal abuse, telling me I am no good at work. Who fixes all the machines? Who does the repairman trust with the "secret methods and modes" to use to correct naughty machines? Who cleans out the coin jams, does the inventory, BUYS the inventory. When I was taking the money out it was pretty apparent they really like what I'm doing in the snack machines. I didn't argue with him, though, that would validate it. I was hurt, though. I wish I had a switch and I could turn it off when he gets going, and not take anything he says, but I'm not wired that way. I guess I would have to completely harden my heart altogether and that would pretty much end the marriage.
And this on the heels of him actually coming out with me on a Bible Handout for the first time in over a year. I was so happy about that. Yeah, he had a lousy mood going to and from. But he had a good attitude during and the murder tattoo recipient really liked what he had to say. I think she's like me, been burned too many times by "loving" women so she trusts men more. But that's another blog.
At any rate, I was so thrilled and pleased to get "old Ron" back for a couple of hours. Then, he got home and started drinking again. He didn't let me sleep last night, either.
It's like bipolar in a lot of ways. The illness takes over and transforms the loved one into someone you basically hate. You would do anything to purge that part of them. Then they come back and they are the person you love, considerate, caring, and generous, and you would do anything to keep them. It's awful.
And I understand that Ron went through this for over a decade with me, before my diagnosis. But only a psychologist could tell me why Ron started binge drinking when I got better. I will never understand that, but the timing is very clear, right after I started on my medication, Ron accelerated the drinking. Now I am basically fine (clinically speaking, I still go up and down but nothing too wild), and he's anything but. It's AWFUL.
So we finished work and came home. Since I had been sleep deprived (but I had Torbie!) I took a nap. I woke up on my own at around 1, with a headache. I took something and got up, went to get a drink, and found Ron passed out on the kitchen floor.
[sigh] At least he was pretty quiet during my nap.
Here's the fun part, Eric is coming over. He is doing something computer related, and then we're going out to dinner. It may be the 2 of us, if Ron doesn't sober up. I have no problem going out if Ron is impaired and on the floor.
Going to be a big eye opener for Eric. He reads the blog and comments sometimes. You know all that in the blog? I wasn't kidding. [sigh] I would have rather had a more presentable husband, though. But Eric is coming in 2-3 hours and I don't think Ron will be ready by then.
Well, Al-anon says don't let the drunk (not their word) stop your life, so I won't. I cleaned the drains, working on a load of laundry, did my God Time. All while Ron's flat on the floor, moaning occasionally. Oh, snoring now. I just need to bag up some Driver Candy.
He has 53 minutes to make trips for tomorrow. Let me see if he did. Nope. No trips. I'm not going to wake him up. I'm not going to make the trips for him. Let him pay for cabs, and maybe he will learn. See, I don't enable. An enabler would be having vapors right about now.
I'm just sad. This isn't my husband. This is the lowest common denominator. But now and then I get an inspiring peek that the old Ron is in there.
4 comments:
Eric spent six years in the Navy and three years on a battleship. A passed-out drunk doesn't shock me. Disappoint me, yes; disgust me, sometimes. But they don't shock me.
Good, 'cause he's on the floor of the kitchen, snoring away. Don't worry, he's dressed. LOL
So you say Ron won't read the bible because it would convict him regarding his drinking. Yet he spent time at the bible handout witnessing to a woman about god. So to that bible nonsense I say BULL. Ron is a classic narcissist. The mask he presents to that woman and the world is a lie. He could read the bible 24/7 but it wouldn't matter because I think deep down he knows the promises in it are lies. Because he has witnessed first hand that praying to god about taking away physical pain does not matter. That the pain will still be there. He has a right if his religion teaches that god heals and god performs miracles to be angry that there were no miracles presented in his life through faith. Thus his interrupting your god time, etc.
Maybe you should ask Ron when he is sober and in a good mood and see what he says about why he started drinking more when you started getting medicated and help.
If you wont here is my opinion:
In a nutshell because when you were un-medicated and psycho it was ALL about him and all about that god really doesn't help people. ALL about poor Ron because Heather is this and Heather is that. When you started getting better he was miserable. He liked the fact that you were messed up. Because he had someone in his life that was worse than he was. Perhaps even an underpining of god helped Heather get better but he still hasn't helped me mindset. Of course we would have to really know everything to get a true and accurate reason. But from what I know about the two of you that is my conclusion.
The false belief that god helps humans on earth has destroyed a lot of people when they see that this just is not true. Some regardless still pretend and others go full out the other way and lash out.
"Ask him when he's sober". That would be when?
Ron has some serious sin issues. I haven't really talked about some of them but he is not living in God's will. There's a verse in Job about a man being chastened (taught) on a bed of pain. I have often thought that applies to him.
God doesn't promise to take away all our pain. He promises to be with us when we're hurting. But Ron pushes God away because of his sin issues (including treating me badly). God isn't a vending machine. We don't input a prayer and have what we want delivered. Some times God wants to make us stronger than we want to be - which I believe is happening in my case.
Now I have to go to work after about 3-4 hours of sleep and try to act in a way that honors God.
I wish I had gotten up earlier to do my God Time. A lot of that is intercessory prayer (praying for others) all over, reached, unreached, worldwide. I believe God honors those prayers. I also pray for my readers and the recipients.
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