At age 18, I was told I qualified for disability. I fought bitterly, refusing to believe my disability rendered me unable to support myself. I held a series of jobs, never making more than $25,000 a year.
Today, at work, I did something "stupid" - I forget what (short term memory). Ron and I laughed over it, whatever it was. I told him "Now I accept that I would need a disability check." I don't believe, now, that I could support myself.
Really, I don't need to worry about it. God's taking care of me, and He always has. I trust Him completely, if I didn't I would have been dead by my own actions 20 years ago.
I do notice a "fog" and a "loss of IQ" when I'm properly medicated. How many times have I typed out "Worth it!"? How many times have I said, compared to what I HAD, THIS is nothing! I accept!
My short-term memory is not what it used to be, and even then I don't think it was great to begin with. I can't change that - I can only accept it as graciously as possible and not be a whiner.
I did have a very uncomfortable sensation the last couple nights. I kept feeling, as I sat in bed reading my romance novels, that something was watching me. I'd look out the window, nothing, go back to my book. I'd get the sensation again. I'd get angry at myself and try to "stuff" the sensation.
I have a lot of practice battling hallucinations and all. I recently smelled bananas in the stockroom for no reason at all. I asked Ron if he smelled them, he said no. The other vendor didn't smell them either. Hallucination.
I teased Ron one day, telling him he could really mess with my head if he wanted. He said he'd never do that, I believe him.
So, I relentlessly told myself NOT THERE NOT THERE NOT THERE, even as I heard strange rustlings outside my window. Night after night, I heard them. NOT THERE.
Last night, I kept hearing the noises. I glanced over and saw something JUMP. I went over and inspected. A fat toad was sitting outside the window, looking in at me. He rustled as he adjusted his position. The light in my window had attracted gnats, and he was feasting.
YES. I was being watched - by a toad. Yes, I had heard the TOAD moving around. I pointed a finger at him and said "It's YOU!'
Then I turned off my light and went to bed.
4 comments:
Hi Heather!
I "smell things" before I get migraines..did you ever notice that you did that before your headaches? The scents are either sweet or awful did you get a migraine after your mystery bananas? if so this is common with migrainers
speaking of smells ..I look foward to reading about how your garden is doing ..did your patchoulli and scented geraniums make it?
take good care ..glad it was just a toad looking at you!
PS I am glad you put the quote from Zer in your blog may she rest in peace what a sweet lady
No, but I get the "loss of peripheral vision" thing. I am battling a a not-yet-migraine today and don't have a lot of peripheral vision in my right eye.
I read once (a book by Kay Redfield Jamison) that a bipolar "episode" is very similar to a seizure. Parts of the brain firing up that shouldn't - and parts that should be active and aren't. That makes a lot of sense to me - when I smell something that isn't there I tell myself it is just a short in my brain.
Heather ~ For some reason I could not find your blog and thought maybe you deleted yourself from the internet somehow and I was worried about you!! I posted a message on one of the threads you started there to let you know I was looking for you in case you still read on LC at all! I had 3 very nice people send me a private message and give me your blog address so I could find you!! Now you know why I haven't been here!! LOL
Anyhow, hope all is well with you!! {{{HUGS}}}
Have to go cut the grass since DH is working out of town all week. (again) I'll catch up with you later on!!
Heather ~ Hope all is well with you! Just wanted to let you know I'm missing you!! {{{HUGS}}}
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