Not exactly cheerful

I got into 2 stupid discussions about birth control this week. 

The latest is upset because she felt I implied people with disabilities shouldn't have kids, if the parent has a congenital condition.  Well, she's right.  I think it is very selfish.  It is my right to say so. 

If you want a disabled child, adopt one.  There are plenty of disabled kids in the system.  Look at "The Little Couple".  They have dwarfism.  They chose to adopt 2 children with dwarfism.  The kids have a home, the parents have kids, everyone's happy. 

I know 4 people, born with disabilies to mothers who knew it was a possiblity.  All 4 wish their mothers had not had them.  All 4 find life difficult and get angry at their mothers/parents for choosing to have them "anyway". 

"But Heather" someone told me "Life is a gift and every life brings joy" (or some such).  I didn't agree.  I was pretty clear on the high price I pay with my problems, how I wish I hadn't been born, and how I won't fight (I won't) if I face something terminal. 

Maybe it is easier to be sunny when you don't have a mood disorder.  When you have one disability instead of two.  When you aren't even totally disabled from the disability. 

I don't know.  I just find it vexing when people tell me my life is full of joy and hope and I'm like "I didn't hurt myself or others.  I took a shower and went to work.  It's a good day."  Some days, kids, that is my day.  I have horrid impulses which I am ALWAYS fighting.  I battle tremendous anxiety, bad thoughts, dark depressions, and outright psychosis. 

My life is a burden.  I'm manic, and I'm saying that. 

I live because God wants me to live, my death would hurt people who love me, I do serve a purpose (more than one), and I have responsibilties (like a certain obese, elderly, rescue cat).  Do I love it?  Hell no. 

So, onto my horrible night.  Apparently I didn't drink enough.  My urethra kept burning horribly.  I got up and drank about 2 quarts of water, sat on the toilet, and read about 40 pages in a romance novel (inspirational).  When I was peeing OK I went to bed. 

I kept thinking I heard something, either industrial noises from the complex (about a quarter mile away), or music.  I did hear music around midnight when someone played 2 Mexican party favorites at full blast, then turned it off.  I imagine the other people in the house were pretty upset about that. 

Torbie wanted to sleep on my legs, so it was difficult to get comfortable.  Remove her?  Never. 

Every time I've lost a cat I lamented I hadn't gotten more cuddles.  I'm not going to throw those cuddles away. 

Not a good night's sleep.  I had taken a nap yesterday so I'm thinking that was a factor.  I'm thinking: no more naps for a while. 

I didn't get one today (more on that in a minute).  I got up around 5 AM, got my shower (not enough time for God, sorry, Lord).  We went to the warehouse and got snack supplies.  Then off to work.  I left Ron up front while I did snacks. 

I did get him so he could do his canned soda inventory.  Then we left and went to the warehouse (all this with Ron in the wheelchair).  We got the canned soda.  We went back to work.  Ron stocked. 

We went home, finally.  I was exhausted, but like I said, no nap.  I ate a couple of hot dogs and a leftover piece of flatbread.  I took my pills (always).  I did some laundry, the yard looks good, cleaned up the front room a bit, and called Mom and Dad. 

I've been coughing a lot with allergies, which precluded a video blog. 

Ron and I have something fun planned for tomorrow.  That will be nice. 

A long day.  But I get tomorrow off.