He has a problem with alcohol

I know people will get angry reading this.  Angry at me. 

Well, some background.  I don't always recognize inappropriate and abusive behavior until it is well underway.  My situation up to the point I met Ron made me conclude it was better to take the abuse, while ignoring the abuser as much as possible, rather than stand up for myself and get beat up.  I learned I'd get penalized for standing up for myself.  I learned there really wasn't any justice regarding abusers.  I learned it was better to tolerate it and ignore them, than to set boundaries and "not take it anymore" - which resulted in, shall we say, extreme actions.  I have scars from that.  I also learned no one really cared as long as it didn't affect them directly. 

Due to all this, I've had a hard time setting boundaries.  I've had a hard time even recognizing "over the line" behavior until it's gotten vile.  I didn't even believe I had been abused until 1998, 6 years after I left that situation. 

Sometimes, I've gone to people for consolation and advice, a little boost to help stand up for my rights.  Quite often, I hear "Well, I wouldn't take it.  I'd just leave him."  Well, you're not me.  You have no concept what it's like in my head.  You're not doubly-disabled, on dumb-down medication, with an entire business riding on your back - literally so. 

Sure, I'll just leave him.  Now we are both homeless and unemployed.  Who wants to hire a crazy woman who can't drive? 

I'll also refer you back to my first paragraph.  So if you're like that you can leave.  I don't need it. 

I also have to respect my faith.  I don't believe God wants me to leave Ron. 

Anyway, today.  What is it with my days off of late?  They are a lot worse than working! 

We had an ice storm this morning.  It was very cold and raining.  The Ash trees were all bowed down under the ice, the growth tips a sad and mushy brown.  The rest of the leaves look OK. 

"It's so sad" I said "Everything leafed out last week and now this." 

Ron and I went to Walmart.  We found a kiddie cart and I cleaned the ice off as best I can.  While I was in haircare an employee acted like I had something in the cart that leaked all over the floor.  'It's ice," I told her, and it's melting.  You left all the carts out in the ice.  All of them will do this. 

She got an attitude and said I had something leaking in the cart.  I told her to look.  She hunted all over, then I pointed at a melting icicle.  "If you had put these under cover this wouldn't be happening.  I don't appreciate an attitude because Walmart screwed up."  She scuttled off after that. 

I looked at all the various shampoos.  When I'm depressed I need something easy and one-step.  I wanted something that smelled good without smelling like rotten fruit (fructis - gag!).  I didn't want to smell like some kind of laboratory, either. 

I saw a bottle of 2-in-1 children's shampoo, in cherry.  I love cherries.  I took a sniff, and liked it.  I ran it by Ron because smell is a big issue for him.  I don't want to smell revolting.  He said it was "fine". 

Good.  Like I said, I don't want to be repulsive.  There are plenty of vile men's products I wouldn't want Ron using.  Like aftershave.

All was well until he wanted beer.  I'd made a deal with him, I would buy him alcohol as long as he didn't have blackouts, only drank beer (he violated that a while back and has been drinking vodka again), and did not verbally abuse me.  He did not keep the latter end last week, walking around the house verbally abusing me with the smell of beer on his breath.

"Why didn't you tell me then?" he asked me later.  "Because you were not reasonable!"  Actually, I tried to and he yelled "Shut up, bitch!" 

I generally rolled the cart over to the vicicnity of the beer and directed Ron to pick it up and put it in the cart.  Note: Ron cannot reach over his head.  Guess where they put the beer? 

I got stuck putting it in the cart.  I said  "I'll get this as long as you don't act like a s**thead like you did last week." 

"What?"  I told him, he made the comment about me not telling him.

Then he decided to act like a victim.  (He does this) He was being unjustly persecuted.  He dropped his head into his hands dramatically as I shopped for food, trying to embarrass me and display his victimization to the world. 

Remember, all I said was "I'll get this, but don't break the agreement again".  But Ron doesn't go anywhere near rational thinking when it comes to alcohol. 

He told me he had never made that agreement.  He can't help the verbal abuse, it just "comes out".   It's all the fault of the head injury. 

Why was he like this before the accident, then? 

It was all my fault.  I was "ruining his day"

"Only if you let it." I replied. 

As we got toward the checkout Ron escalated, screaming obscenities at me.  He wished I were dead.  He didn't want me in his life.  He hated me in his life and wanted me gone. 

"Be careful" I told him "God has a way of answering that." 

"I don't care!  I hate you and I want you out of my life, bitch!" 

I looked at him, before alcohol, acting like this. 

I looked at the beer.  I took it out as Ron screamed in protest.  "You're cut off.  FOR GOOD.  Buy your own from now on!" 

Then he really lost it.  "It's war".  I can forget about any rides anywhere but work.  He's going to get me back! 

However, when we got over to the register he was back in victim mode, like flipping a switch.  A victim again of course, to you-know shame me (rolleyes). 

I wonder what the Walmart cashiers thought of all the drama.  Do I care?  No.  I hope it does get around.  The last time I cut him off, he'd come in and have an employee help him get the beer.  Some very nosy people interrogated me, trying to figure out "Why you won't help him". 

I thought it was obvious.  He has a problem with alcohol. 

I put his groceries in the cart because he couldn't see them, setting them carefully near, but not on, his talking book machine.  He had a flash drive in the USB port and he is always losing them. 

Sure enough, after I got him to the waiting area he started yelling he'd lost the flash drive.  I found it and gave it to him. 

He cursed at me for "putting the groceries in wrong and dislodging the flash drive".  I didn't, but I just walked away. 

I stood outside in 30 degree weather as he lectured the empty room for a while.  Our ride came and we went home. 

I told him, bitterly, he deserved to go to work today.  He would have been waiting in subzero windchills, twice.  He said no and cancelled the trips. 

When we got home, he ran change while playing his music loudly.  Stuff I hate.  I did not reciprocate. I just took a nap.  Once I take my meds I am pretty gone. 

He's avoiding me. Tomorrow should be interesting, we have to basically "work a double". 

And I'm sure I'll see the victim again.  Then the wheedling.  Then the verbal abuse again as he realizes I mean no.