That can be a problem with my husband. As a blogger, I want him to look good, but sometimes he isn't. He is prone to depression, resentment, and anger at God. He is tired of living in this world and wants to be raptured, but God's not ready for that - so Ron gets annoyed at God. As a result, he can be pretty moody. I would say at least 75% of the time he is a "downer".
More than once I have been tempted to slip him a Wellbutrin. That's illegal, though. I think he has Dysthemia, but he isn't a danger to himself, or me. He doesn't want help, so he doesn't get it.
When I'm manic, I could care less. He can hit me with all he's got and it just bounces off. When my mood is mixed (both manic and depressed), or depressed, it's a different story. Much as I hate it, I do tend to "absorb" it and reflect it inward.
I hate even typing that.
But he's sick. I know he has brain damage, which also causes depression. God knows I know what - I had to look at him in the coma every day for weeks on end.
I wouldn't want someone screaming at me when I'm depressed. Or leaving me. So I try to deflect the negativity as much as possible without "soaking" it. I get mixed results when I ask him to tone it down. He either gets very angry at me for "trying to control him" or he actually complies.
Where am I going?
I probably could have had better timing today. Ron woke up, he hated the book he read last night. It was "stupid" and had "a terrible ending". He was clearly down.
I thought he'd like to hear I'm starting the [and now the heater isn't working, oh boy]
I thought he'd like to hear I'm restarting a better eating plan. Ah, no. For some odd reason, he took out his scale and challenged me to get on it. I did. He had estimated my weight as lower than his scale showed. He was pretty disgusted, freaked out, etc.
He doesn't have to be ugly about it, but he is. I don't think he knows how to act otherwise.
Last year, as I lost weight, he was derisive and insulting "Is that all? You won't keep it off." When I called him on it he said he was "Motivating me". I told him he wasn't. He said I couldn't tell him what to think or say.
Does he really want me confiding all this in other people? It looks that way. He should be my #1 confidante.
He takes my weight as a personal insult. He says I don't think he deserves better. He believes he can get me to comply with his wishes if he just derides and insults me enough. He doesn't want to "settle for the fat woman". I remind him of his mother and he doesn't want to live with his mother. Etc. The kind of talk that is guaranteed to drive away someone who loves you. Ron won't receive any correction on this, though. My weight is a personal insult. I got this way, not by taking toxic mood stabilizers and bad eating, but solely through sloth and gluttony.
I choose to shame him with my obesity.
"You lost it before" he exclaims angrily. "Do the same thing." Hey, bub. The first time I lost the weight I wasn't taking any medication. I was so manic I worked out for 2 hours a day. You'll notice that weight loss didn't last very long, either. I was also in my 20's. I lost about 60 pounds at my peak.
The second time I lost weight, it wasn't as dramatic. I lost about 40 pounds. I was on low doses of mood stabilizers and not taking 3 of the medications I am now. I was still manic enough to do the 2 hours working out every day, most days. In fact I had some mild injuries from working out. I was in my early 30's, and plenty of energy to cook things from scratch and the mania to work out.
"Why don't you just go and do it?" he asks. "You've got equipment right there in the garage."
For a guy who spends all day in bed, he doesn't understand the concept of "no energy". "Why don't you go out on the bus and walk around all over, like you used to?" Because I don't have the energy. Not to mention I got tired of being hassled.
I don't have the energy. I am taking toxic medication. Fatigue: the price I pay for sanity. When I eat in a little while, it's going to be canned pasta eaten out of the can. That's about all I can do these days. I do what I can.
I'm working, taking care of Ron, and the cats. I don't have a lot of energy for "Heather". While doing laundry this weekend, I found a stiff and wadded up bunch of un-dried dried clothes in the drier laundry. I had to rewash everything. Of course they were my clothes.
So yeah, give me a sec and I'll run out there for my 2 hour workout.
Let's look at my medications - although I shouldn't have to justify any of this:
Lithium: Drowsiness, dizziness, tiredness, increased thirst, increased frequency of urination, weight gain, and mildly shaking hands (fine tremor) may occur. [I have all of these, and taking a higher than average dose for an adult]
Depakote: So many side effects I couldn't list them all. I went with "most common" More common
- Acid or sour stomach
- belching
- body aches or pain
- change in vision
- congestion
- continuing ringing or buzzing or other unexplained noise in the ears
- hair loss or thinning of the hair
- hearing loss
- heartburn
- impaired vision
- lack or loss of strength
- loss of memory
- problems with memory
- rash
- seeing double
- tender, swollen glands in the neck
- trouble with swallowing
- uncontrolled eye movements
- voice changes
- weight gain
Less serious side effects may include:
- headache or migraine, dizziness, tremors (shaking);
- sleep problems (insomnia), loss of interest in sex;
- nausea, vomiting, constipation, dry mouth;
- appetite changes, weight loss or gain; or
- mild itching or skin rash, increased sweating.
Lastly, the Haldol: Common side effects of Haldol are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, dry mouth, nervousness, spontaneous eye movements, mood changes, breast enlargement, difficulty urinating, and occasional movement disorders.
I do get a little twitchy now and then, but at last we find the one drug that doesn't cause weight gain. It is also the smallest dose.
I think Ron needs to look at things realistically. I won't get down to his idea of goal (his weight, 140, I'd look cancerous), even if I could. I won't have the energy to work out 2 hours a day, but I have some ideas on how I could incorporate some extra exercise at work.
I may not experience any kind of dramatic weight loss, but I plan to keep off whatever it is I do lose. I've realized, I can stick to an extreme diet and exercise program for a year or two, but not for the long term.
I think it's a lot more reasonable to say: "I'm going to stick to a moderate weight loss and exercise when I can program" and see how it goes. I can do that for the long term and develop workarounds for my fatigue.
At least I won't get fatter. I do care about my health.
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